After four long years, Tad and Dixie Martin finally encountered each other on yesterday’s episode of "All My Children." Tad could not believe his eyes. He thought that Dixie was dead. Was she really Dixie? Or an imposter? Perhaps she was some actress given plastic surgery by Tad’s nemesis, world-renowned cardiologist (but immoral) Doctor David Hayward?
"I am Dixie. I know things only we could know." said Dixie.
"You could have been fed that information from David Hayward."
"But would he know this…?"
She mentioned some obscure reference to "Ozzie and Harriet" that only the two of them would know — from an episode twenty years ago, way before the actors had all their real-life plastic surgery.
Tad instantly knew this was the real Dixie.
I turned to Sophia, who was sitting on the couch with me, eating leftover matzoh.
"Make believe I disappeared for five years…"
"Where are you going to go?"
"It doesn’t matter. I go to find myself… in Tibet. By climbing the mountains."
"Yeah right. You in the mountains."
"Just imagine it."
"You’d be calling me within two days, saying you lost your backpack and you need me to send you bagels."
"OK, let’s imagine you leave for five years to go climbing in Tibet. And then you come back. And I don’t know if you’re an imposter or not."
"Why would an imposter bother coming to you?"
"Just imagine it! Now, what are you going to say to me to prove that it is really you?"
"I’m confused. Who am I? Me or the imposter?"
"You’re you. Sophia. And I want you to prove that assertion."
"I don’t know."
"C’mon, something only we would know. Like with Tad and Dixie — and "Ozzie and Harriet."
"How about "bouqerones?"" (anchovies we ate during our honeymoon in Spain)
"I actually wrote about them in some comments to Ashbloem. How do I know you just didn’t read that on her blog during your research?"
"Excuse me. How the hell am I supposed to know you wrote about bouquerones on someone else’s blog? How about if I just say, "Neilochka?""
"Neilochka? Are you serious? That’s my yahoo email address. You could have just read the blog. There are people in other countries that know the story behind Neilochka. That wouldn’t prove you’re not an imposter"
"I can’t think right now. Let’s just finish the soap."
"So, are you saying that after all this time together, you can’t come up with one thing that can prove that it is you and not an imposter when you come back after five years in Tibet?"
"Maybe if you would stop writing about everything on your blog, I would have something to say when I come back from Tibet?"
"I don’t write about everything. C’mon, think. Prove to me that you are who you say you are."
"I’m pretty sure that you’re never going to write on your blog about the time you xxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxxxxx."
"Holy shit, I forgot about that. Welcome home, Sophia?!"
"Can we go back to watching TV now?"