the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Ladies Who Lunch

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Dear Megan,

As you know, Sophia and I had tentative plans to meet you — my long-time blogging pal — for lunch today as we passed through Riverside on the way back from Sophia’s interpreting job in San Bernardino.  I apologize for getting a cold this morning and not being able to make it out of apartment.  But even with my sore throat and my Dayquil-induced stupor, I had a bigger concern on my mind — it seems that you and Sophia STILL AGREED to meet for lunch.

WITHOUT ME.  

And you even showed her YOUR HOME.  

And from what I hear, you both GOT ALONG GREAT.  

Now, I am not a jealous person.  This is not the first time that someone has met Sophia and LIKED HER MORE THAN ME.   But this is a special case and it MUST STOP NOW. 

You and Sophia must NOT befriend each other.  If you do, it will be a disaster, not only for me, but for the ENTIRE BLOGOSPHERE.

Let’s put this in perspective.  You and I are BOTH bloggers, so I know you’ll understand of what I speak.  When I write a blog post about my relationship with Sophia, it is always told from my point of view.  This means I am always the innocent victim and Sophia is always the villain.  I’m the cute, lovable one, the guy every female blogger dreams about at night.  Readers from as far away as Malaysia have asked me, "What is wrong with that crazy wife of yours?  Can’t she see that you are the best thing since Hostess Sno-Balls?  If I were there, I would be "taking you" right now on top of the Hollywood sign!"

Can’t you see?  Blogging is the best thing to happen to me since… since… well, the introduction of Hostess Sno-Balls.

Luckily, Sophia does not have a blog to present her side of the story.  Thank God.

But you have a blog.  And we have many of the same readers.   Now imagine Sophia and you become buddy-buddy.  And I write something disparaging about Sophia in some angry blog post.   You read this post, because you never miss a post in your favorite blog, Citizen of the Month, since it is the best thing you’ve ever read since the label of a Hostess… well, you get the point…

But today, you are not happy with my post.  In fact, it outrages you, especially since you just happened to talk to Sophia about this "private issue" during one of your "Sex in the City" type lunches with the girls.  You know, one of those get-together where women reveal EVERY SINGLE THING to each other, something MEN WOULD NEVER DO.

So, now you’re upset and want to protect your "sister" because you feel obligated after taking that "feminism" class in college.   Slowly, I become your enemy.  You start writing gossipy stuff on your blog about me, at first in a subtle way like "I hear from a certain separated wife that a certain citizen’s little "soldier" is having trouble "saluting the troops."  Then, as your sisterhood strengthens, it’s "Good-bye Subtlety!"  All of a sudden, it’s "Newsflash:  Neil at Citizen of the Month Rejected from another Job.  Wife says,"Still Can’t Get it Up!"

Can you imagine the damage that would do to my credibility?  Readers would start doubting everything I write.  And like a set of dominos falling over on a kitchen table, bloggers everywhere would become skeptical of every single blog in the world.   No one would believe what anyone said.  The most frequent blog comments would become "That’s bullshit," "Prove it," and "Let’s hear what the wife has to say!"

Bloggers will stop blogging in fear of ridicule.  Readers will stop lurking in disgust.  The Technorati 100 will drop to the Technorati 1, with only Blogebrity left blogging about itself.  The internet economy will crash… again.  China will invade America and since our ports will be then run by China, the Chinese government will quickly take over our country.   We will all be forced to listen to the awful Chinese disco music they play at that Chinese-owned donut shop on Olympic Boulevard.  The world as we know it will cease to exist…

And this would all be BECAUSE of YOU, MEGAN!

Stop this DISASTER before it becomes a REALITY!

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43 Comments

  1. dietchilicheesefries

    you’re absolutely right neal!

    and i’d like some kung pao shrimp with my jelly donut please…

  2. The Girl

    Yup, well said.

    And add into the equation, shagging another blogger and you have my world in one.

    Oops.

  3. Won't Tell

    Your credibility is safe, Neil. It’s the credulity of your readers that may be in danger as they flock to that “other” blog.

  4. schuey

    Neil
    you have my entire support on this, except maybe china invading the US : imagine all these lovely chinese girls invading (the) us?

  5. MA

    I’m still a envious that you got to meet Megan. I am also envious that she got to meet you and Sophia.

    I have no comment about the ramifications of their burgeoning friendship.

    🙂

  6. Kevin

    Neil, you must stand up for your blogger rights now before it’s too late! As they say “the buck stops here!” Make it end before it becomes a blogdemic. Where’s the petition? I’ll sign it!

  7. China Law Blog

    You have it all wrong. Disco is dead, even in China.

  8. Edgy Mama

    Hmmmm, maybe I should go check out Megan’s blog?

    No, no, no, my loyalty is to you, Neilochka. And only you.

    E-spouse has tried to do the same thing by attending our Blogasheville nights. At the last one, he got upset with me for flirting so much–but I had to, right? Otherwise, the blogosphere could crash and burn and it would all be because my blogger buddy like E-spouse more than me. Thanks for explaining, so clearly, Neil, my vague fears and corresponding need to show my tits to all male bloggers I meet in person.

  9. Wendy

    If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you known him ceases to exist – WORLDS ARE COLLIDING!!!!!

    A Neil divided against itself CANNOT STAND!

  10. cruisin-mom

    Megan’s blog says you showed her your boxer briefs…I suppose Danny got to see those too, huh?

  11. Michael

    Funny. I once had this conversation w/a gf and a good female friend who hung out w/o me. That was the end of independent Mike.

    And your last post too. Hysterical! Man o Manechewitz.

  12. Megan

    Oh Neil, I’m dealing with such performance anxiety in trying to respond to this post. This must be how you feel in other situations, eh?

  13. The Retropolitan

    This is the same reaction Robin had when Batman first teamed up with Superman.

  14. Brooke

    Hey Megan! Wanna meet for coffee sometime?

  15. Brooke

    Oh, and happy belated birthday Neil. What a lousy friend I am for being in the hospital with my mom instead of here for you. Can you ever forgive me?

  16. chantel

    Is it possible that you were one of the script writers for War of the Worlds? I see similarities here!

  17. cruisin-mom

    Hey Sophia, want to meet for coffee, lunch, dinner?…you choose.
    Love, all of Neil’s commentors

  18. akaky

    Oh no, not disco! Where’s the shotgun, let me do a Hemingway before the disco returns. I can live with a Chinese invasion, but not disco!

  19. Danny

    It’s your own fault, Neil, for making the character of Sophia so charismatic on your blog. And far from making her the villain, she always seems like the one who’s in control, even though you’re writing the posts. Having now met her in person, I can only assure your readers that she lives up to her advance press. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of love out there for both of you!

  20. DawnKelly

    You silly silly boy….

    Okay, are you in town the evening of 21 April?

  21. kate

    I AM SO TOTALLY JEALOUS THAT MEG AND SOPHIA GOT TOGETHER WITHOUT ME!!! SO NOT FAIR THAT I DON’T LIVE IN SOCAL.

  22. Neil

    Schuey — you’re right! Chinese girls, please invade us!

    Chinese Law — Maybe in China, but not in this donut shop.

    Edgy — happy b-day!

    Retro — Absolutely. Did you notice how Robin started disappearing from the picture after that — he was stuck home helping Alfred shine Bruce Wayne’s shoes.

    Brooke — I will forgive you if you do one thing for me —

    Danny — You’re not upset because I didn’t show you my underwear also, are you?

    DawnKelly — Are you asking me or Sophia?

  23. Pearl

    Great pic, Neil.

    Only a couple things missing from it:
    YOU & CELL PHONES!

  24. claven

    Dude, I’d offer to say something mean about Megan having met her and all. But you removed me from your blogroll just because I “stopped” writing. Whatever man.

  25. ChickyBabe

    “Prove it!” 😛

  26. ms. sizzle

    why’d you have to go and get sick?! your little head cold could be setting off a blogosphere domino effect!

    aaahhhh!

    🙂 sizzle

  27. mariemm3

    Laughing hard.
    Megan great site. 🙂

  28. better safe than sorry

    how come no one ever invites me out to lunch? maybe sophia and megan should meet me for drinks, make me feel better.

  29. claire

    You’ve just gotta stay well, Neil. Hope you’re feeling better.

  30. Dagny

    Obviously I need to start reading Megan’s blog.

  31. anne arkham

    A George divided upon itself cannot stand.

  32. Fitèna

    Yup. Yup. Yup. Exclusivity and all. Well said!

    Fitèna

  33. Jay

    Yes, I see the problem. Doomsday commeth. Head for the hills.

  34. Serena

    I’m typically such a jealous ho that I’ll just say I’m guessing I know exactly how you feel ; )

  35. sara lee

    Be afraid Neil be very afraid…;)

    We all want to meet Sophia!

  36. Leesa

    This kind of reminds me of the Seinfeld where George was worried that if his girlfriend became friends with his single friends, it would “ruin” independent George.

  37. AWE

    I thought you always wanted to be “tag-teamed”?

  38. Neil

    Jeez, that was three of you that mentioned an old Seinfeld episode, saying that they already did the same gag. Did Sophia put you up to this?

  39. Tanya

    I can’t get past the donuts.

  40. Megan

    Is it evil of me that I’m thrilled some of these wonderful folks have taken the side of Sophia and I? Who wouldn’t want to meet Sophia?! I can tell everyone that she’s even more awesome in person than the way she’s represented here on this blog.

    If any of you are in SoCal, we can ALL meet up!

  41. LisaBinDaCity

    Neil that whole situation of them getting together without you is just all kinds of wrong. Just keep telling yourself that 😉

  42. psychotoddler

    I also liked Sophia better.

  43. Jill

    I’m so jealous! I want to hang out with Megan and Sophia, too! And MA and Claven! And Brooke and ChickyBabe! And all your readers I haven’t virtually met yet!

    And… uh… you too, Neil.

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