I’ve created my own Frankenstein monster here. Because I’ve spent so much time flirting with female bloggers, my male readers are abandoning me faster than the Israelites left Egypt. At 9PM tonight, my last post, which was addressed mostly to my female readers, had 49 comments. I love getting comments, and I appreciate it. But that was 42 comments from women and only 7 comments from my own gender.
This had got to stop.
We all know the type. He comes to the bar with a buddy. Then he meets a cute bunch of girls. They want to go out with him — just him. So, he goes to his friend and says:
"You don’t mind going home by yourself, do you? I think I just might get lucky!"
I hate those guys. And I am turning into him.
This is as old a problem as Adam and Eve. Women are beautiful, seductive, and smell good. But who is really there for you when a woman drops you like a hot potato so she can screw around with that Beverly Hills attorney she met in her yoga class?
It’s your male friends. Your male buddies.
I love you guys. I love my male readers. I love blogs written by males. Sure, I don’t visit you as often as the women. That’s because I know you will always be there for me. You won’t ever take me off your blogroll because I made a joke about "your tits" in an email! You have a healthy sense of humor.
My female readers are overly demanding and high maintenance. They always want posts that are "funny." If they don’t like your post one day, off they go to another male blogger like Brando or Pauly D.
Female commenters require a lot of work on my part. I don’t just read your comments. I also visualize you naked. Sometimes, the two of us are in compromising positions based on the Kama Sutra book that I bought, but never used.
Now imagine having to do this 42 times a day! That’s 42 voracious female bloggers I have to satisfy every day, even if it is just in my mind!
By the end of the day, my eyes are blurry from looking at the monitor all day — and I can hardly walk. God help me if this blog ever gets really popular and I have to work my way through 100 female comments.
I can just imagine it: "Tonight on Eyewitness News — LA Blogger Dies in Chair After Reading too Many Comments from Attractive Women Bloggers."
No, the madness must stop now.
In order to wean myself off of my addiction to women bloggers, I must go cold turkey.
So — from now through Saturday Night, I will not read ANY BLOG written by a female blogger. This will give me time to bond with my fellow male bloggers.
I will read only blogs written by MEN. I will learn more about their manly dreams and aspirations. I will learn what makes other men tick. I will comment about things such as work, sports, politics, women, fatherhood, and other things that MEN are interested in.
I will IGNORE all comments written by WOMEN. I will answer only those comments written by MEN.
I love you guy bloggers, all of you. Really. Come on, let’s all have a manly group hug. Let’s yell MANLY things together! Let’s show the women that "personal" blogging isn’t just for women and wimpy "artistes." Blogging is as MANLY as football and NASCAR!
I’m sorry, women. I know I am disappointing you.
But it’s NOT YOU. It’s ME.
Thank you for all your wonderful comments today. I can honestly say I fantasized about having sex with each and every one of you today — sometimes more than once. You were all amazing. And I think I gave you a pretty good time as well.
But now, you are DEAD TO ME.
At least until Sunday, when I’ll come back to your blogs. I’m not worried too much about you still being upset at me. I know women are suckers for us men:
You always take the guy back.
women… naked… seductive… must resist… long legs… luscious lips… breasts that speak my name: “Neilochka…Neilochka”… must resist… must go HERE for manly inspiration to remind me of my promise not to read female bloggers today:
http://magnum.tv-website.com/
Finally! We’re encouraged to look at other male bloggers, at last!
Brando: always happy to read your posts with Alex in it (I could totally picture myself in her…shoes)
Akaky: here’s the only place I’d allow myself to address you, Sir: after all, the Great Toilet War haven’t come to armistice. Mustache’s tale did make me cry, if only for the sad fate of Gogol turning in his grave and most definitely cursing himself for ever putting the “Nose” on paper for future [strike]plagiarists[unstrike]followers to get inspired.
Neil: oh there is so much I wanted to tell you! But it’s Sunday night, and I’m tired after my wild 2-days naked-at-the-screen-partying; besides, I don’t remember who you are anymore (sorry, short attention span). Gotta tell you this though: be advised when imagining me engaged in Kama Sutra acrobatics with you that after raking leaves in my yard all weekend MY BACK HURTS, you hear me?
Dude! Brewskies at my place, pronto! The Seven ride tonight on channel 54. Hey, bring some dip. And some of those female bloggers that are always hanging all over you.
Stumble blind!
That’s great Neil. THE DAY AFTER I get my sex change operation, just so you will ACKNOWLEDGE me, you have “Guy’s Day.” I had my penis removed for you, Neil! (Hold on, I can make it more awkward . . . Nope, actually I can’t.)
I did not “plagiarize”, ma’am; Stalin’s mustache is an hommage to the unbounded genius of Nikolai Vasilevich, whom, obviously, I follow in all things.
So I decided to start baking early…still naked…and shoot I seem to have dropped some rich, dark chocolate on my…well…you know the first things that something would hit as it falls down a woman…shoot my hands are full..can you help me Neil?
HEHEHE Just seeing if I can make you respond!
Fine!!! I’ll only visit the girls’ blogs while the guys do “guy things”… and then we’ll probably have a Wild Lingerie Pillowfight and webcast it… sorry you’ll miss it!
Have fun with the boys!
Just for the record, I would never drop someone for making a joke about my tits.
I make enough jokes about my own tits that I figure it’s kind of hypocritical to object when other people start chiming in.
Could you see the [strikes] there? Angle brackets are annoying aesthetically. And the word discussed to death @ Corner anyway …
Hey, if you are getting 60 comments, even if they are all gals, I wouldn’t complain. I could post the cure for cellulite and STILL not get more than two or three women to comment. Of course I am not a suave guy like you, so that makes sense, but I also can’t get more than two or three guys to comment either. And sending out those penis enlargement ad emails didn’t get me any more of them either.
Sigh
You are a very silly man.
Let me know when you can master the position of the wife of Indra… we’ll talk after that.
JJ – The Seven ride tonight on channel 54? Huh? Is that some sort of gay reference? Maybe you’re misinterpreting this “guy” thing.
That’s a fine collection of male bonding pics you found on the internet.
This wasn’t funny enough. I’m off to Brando and Pauly D.
It’s official, you are now Crush of the Week at the Daily Minute. No, there’s no prize or recognition or even a cookie, but your work is fun and interesting, so thanks!
Et tu, Neil?
This has to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. No women blogs. Only men. How many “Bush was right” and “Microsoft suck” blogs do I have to read?
feel the love in here today… wow. besides you’ll come back eventually, I’m not worried at all. remember, I have naked pictures at my site too.
Now, I’m worried. I think JJ’s reference to “The Seven ride tonight …” might refer to baldie Yul and his Magnificent posse (and a movie with a fabulous theme). How do I know that when I watched “Love Actually” tonight?
Well, whatever … I think you should keep blogging as you always have. Danny pretty much outted your male audience. We really don’t give a monkey’s bum about you, we’re here for Sophia and your female blogger audience. Nothing personal – you’re a heck of a guy. But we don’t want to sleep with you.
Neil – I am taking you off my blogroll because you DID NOT send me an inappropriate email about my tits. Shame on you.
Bill – thanks. Now it all makes much more sense to me. They are a bunch of hotties, aren’t they? And as an added bonus, they’re good spellers!
I’m new to your blog, and I just had to post, even though I am a woman. But don’t worry — I won’t make you “work” to visualize me naked. I already am naked. Oh, and as far as having to satisfy me, I can take care of that part myself.
Fucking A, dude. Fucking A.
HAHAHAHA
all i have to say is “ditto” to lynn’s comment.
you are funny.
thanks for the chuckle