Last week, I bought a toaster. On the box, it sold itself as "ideal" for toasting bagels. But then when I tried to used it, I had to literally stuff my bagel halves into the slots because they wouldn’t fit.
I hate false advertising.
I bring this up because a few nights ago, I was IM-ing with a female blogger about WordPress when she started flirting with me. I found this a little strange because I didn’t do anything to instigate this flirting. But then I realized what was going on — she had read my archives and got the impression of me as a flirtatious playboy, and a kinky one to boot.
It got me thinking — am I involved in false advertising myself?
OK, let me be honest. I haven’t been shy about flirting with my female readers. I have at one time or another visualized most of you, both married and single, as being naked in my bed. But before you call me a sicko — at least give me credit for being one of the few male bloggers who will actually admit this publicly.
Ladies — you have to understand how exciting it is for a man to have dozens of sexy, beautiful, and witty women coming to HIS blog because they are interested in something HE has to say! This never happens to most of us men in REAL LIFE!
In fact, this is as close as it gets to that fantastical heaven that those crazy male Muslim fanatics believe in — where dozens of virginal women surround them wearing nothing but lingerie. Except in my case, I press "Publish" rather than blow things up, my female readers probably wear torn sweatpants rather than lingerie while they read my blog, and considering my readers’ lascivious interests, my female blogging buddies haven’t been virgins for a very LONG time.
Now, so far, most of my flirting hasn’t gone beyond the written word. But who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll be meeting up with a female blogger, we’ll get a little drunk on Chianti, and before you know it — we’re naked in the bedroom.
Not only would that be an amazing sexual experience — imagine the great post I would have for the next day! I already can visualize the 100 comments!
But, like I said, I do not believe in false advertising. I would hate to disappoint anyone in bed. So, let me dispel three myths about me that you might have gotten from reading my blog. Let me help you better know the real Neilochka, not the blog Neilochka. This way, if we ever really do end up in the bed together, you won’t accuse me of sex under "false pretenses."
THREE MYTHS ABOUT ME
UNVEILING THE REAL NEILOCHKA
MYTH 1) Neil is an exciting guy.
The truth is — Neil is boring. Think about it. I love to blog. And what is blogging? Blogging is sitting around your apartment and typing on the computer. Is there anything more boring than that?
Every once in a while, Sophia will drag me out, and while I’m there, I’ll say, "This will make a great blog story." I’ll start writing the blog post on the back of a napkin. This drives Sophia up a wall. She has told me that I have become infinitely MORE BORING since I’ve started to blog. And she thought I was boring before blogging.
Sometimes, while driving in the car, I’ll turn to Sophia:
"I have this great idea for a blog post tonight."
"Will you shut up about your stupid blog. Enough already! I don’t want to hear anymore about your blog!"
"Anyway, here’s my blog idea…"
So, ladies, write this down. Neilochka = boring.
MYTH 2) Neil talks dirty in the bedroom and is kinky.
OK, Sophia, stop laughing.
Now, it is true that I frequently use words like "cock," "pussy," and "fuck" in my posts. But I am the complete opposite of the shy girl who turns into an wild animal in the bedroom, screaming "Fuck me! Fuck me with your big cock!"
The truth is I never curse in real life. Not even when driving in traffic. I never put up my middle finger. I never use any dirty words, including the ones mentioned above. Why do you think my mother can read those posts and find them amusing? She knows how she raised me. She knows that in real life, the word "cock" has never ONCE been part of my vocabulary.
Sophia has a dirty mouth. She can curse like a sailor. For years, she has tried to get me to curse, or at least not to be offended by her cursing, but I just can’t. I am totally pathetic. I am totally vanilla, which happens to be my favorite ice cream flavor.
Many of you would be bored with me in the bedroom. I only know a few "positions." I recently saw a book of Kama Sutra sex positions — and I didn’t know 3/4 of them even existed. Who can do all that stuff, with the woman hanging upside down? I have never had sex in an airplane, a car, an elevator, a library, the kitchen, the garage, my parents’ home, the state of New Mexico, and countless other interesting places.
If, for some reason, we are making out in some hotel, and we are about to make love, I strongly advise you to call Sophia on her cellphone beforehand — just to learn more about what I can and cannot do. Please be advised that just because I am an amazing stud in a post doesn’t guarantee a repeat performance in the REAL WORLD.
Also, remember this important piece of information:
Objects in the Blog may appear bigger than their actual size.
MYTH 3) Neil has a great smile.
So far, the only photo of myself that I have published is this one.
After I published it, someone emailed me and wrote, "What a nice smile you have."
In reality, I am self-conscious about how I look. When I was about to publish the photo, I thought my teeth looked too dark. So, if you zoom in, you can see that I used my expert Photoshop skills to whiten my teeth. Months later, Sophia still makes fun of me about that.
Now I can sleep better, knowing you know the truth.