I’ve created my own Frankenstein monster here. Because I’ve spent so much time flirting with female bloggers, my male readers are abandoning me faster than the Israelites left Egypt. At 9PM tonight, my last post, which was addressed mostly to my female readers, had 49 comments. I love getting comments, and I appreciate it. But that was 42 comments from women and only 7 comments from my own gender.
This had got to stop.
We all know the type. He comes to the bar with a buddy. Then he meets a cute bunch of girls. They want to go out with him — just him. So, he goes to his friend and says:
"You don’t mind going home by yourself, do you? I think I just might get lucky!"
I hate those guys. And I am turning into him.
This is as old a problem as Adam and Eve. Women are beautiful, seductive, and smell good. But who is really there for you when a woman drops you like a hot potato so she can screw around with that Beverly Hills attorney she met in her yoga class?
It’s your male friends. Your male buddies.
I love you guys. I love my male readers. I love blogs written by males. Sure, I don’t visit you as often as the women. That’s because I know you will always be there for me. You won’t ever take me off your blogroll because I made a joke about "your tits" in an email! You have a healthy sense of humor.
My female readers are overly demanding and high maintenance. They always want posts that are "funny." If they don’t like your post one day, off they go to another male blogger like Brando or Pauly D.
Female commenters require a lot of work on my part. I don’t just read your comments. I also visualize you naked. Sometimes, the two of us are in compromising positions based on the Kama Sutra book that I bought, but never used.
Now imagine having to do this 42 times a day! That’s 42 voracious female bloggers I have to satisfy every day, even if it is just in my mind!
By the end of the day, my eyes are blurry from looking at the monitor all day — and I can hardly walk. God help me if this blog ever gets really popular and I have to work my way through 100 female comments.
I can just imagine it: "Tonight on Eyewitness News — LA Blogger Dies in Chair After Reading too Many Comments from Attractive Women Bloggers."
No, the madness must stop now.
In order to wean myself off of my addiction to women bloggers, I must go cold turkey.
So — from now through Saturday Night, I will not read ANY BLOG written by a female blogger. This will give me time to bond with my fellow male bloggers.
I will read only blogs written by MEN. I will learn more about their manly dreams and aspirations. I will learn what makes other men tick. I will comment about things such as work, sports, politics, women, fatherhood, and other things that MEN are interested in.
I will IGNORE all comments written by WOMEN. I will answer only those comments written by MEN.
I love you guy bloggers, all of you. Really. Come on, let’s all have a manly group hug. Let’s yell MANLY things together! Let’s show the women that "personal" blogging isn’t just for women and wimpy "artistes." Blogging is as MANLY as football and NASCAR!
I’m sorry, women. I know I am disappointing you.
But it’s NOT YOU. It’s ME.
Thank you for all your wonderful comments today. I can honestly say I fantasized about having sex with each and every one of you today — sometimes more than once. You were all amazing. And I think I gave you a pretty good time as well.
But now, you are DEAD TO ME.
At least until Sunday, when I’ll come back to your blogs. I’m not worried too much about you still being upset at me. I know women are suckers for us men:
You always take the guy back.
