the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Life with Sophia (Page 21 of 27)

Yes, I am Wearing Women’s Panties!

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Rachel Kramer Bussel writes a popular sex column for the Village Voice called “Lusty Lady.”  A couple of weeks ago, she wrote an article titled “F***ing and Feminism”.   In the article, Ms. Bussel criticized feminists for their ideological views on sex, one which pooh-poohs women doing anything “submissive” to men, such as giving them oral sex, getting bikini waxes, or enjoying being “spanked.”

“I may like to get spanked until I scream, but I still deserve to be treated as an intelligent human being. Submitting sexually doesn’t equal becoming a doormat outside the bedroom.”

I agree.  If a woman wants to be spanked, why not?  That doesn’t mean she can’t be a nuclear scientist or get equal pay for equal work.   Of course, if ALL she wanted to do all night was get spanked, I might wonder about some of her “personal issues,” but I would still recommend her to friends if she was a good neurologist.

What I found most interesting about the article was when Ms. Bussel talked about men’s sexuality:

“Men are also unfairly judged—as brutish horndogs selfishly out to get as much sex as they can. The truth is, they’re confused and constrained by the “macho” role too.”

She went on to talk about the desires of men that “aren’t sanctioned by popular culture,” such as wearing women’s panties, getting tied up, and other kinky stuff.  These men are frustrated, because they are afraid of opening up to their women.  What if their girlfriends/wives laugh at them?

The great irony to it all was — as I was reading this — I was wearing women’s panties.

Yes, I did just say that.   I was wearing women’s panties.

You expect complete candor and honesty when you come to Citizen of the Month, and damn it — you’re going to get it!  If you want to take me off your blogroll right now, let it be so.  I will not hide behind this facade anymore.

I will come “out” as a panty-wearing man as a public service to all men who want to express themselves in new and exciting ways.

This might come as a surprise to you, since I  normally seem pretty white bread.

“Neilochka, why WERE you wearing women’s panties?” you might ask.

Well, there is actually a story behind it.

Saturday night, Sophia and I went to a wedding.  It was a nice ceremony and romantic to see a couple so much in love.  During the ceremony, Sophia and I had a little discussion.  We decided that if we ever divorce and remarry, we’ll be each others’ best man/maid of honor.  Isn’t that cute?

The wedding had an “Italian” theme and the programs were all shaped like wine bottles.  The only glitch in the wedding was that the specialty wedding cake was decorated to look exactly like a large wheel of Italian cheese.  Unfortunately, people started slicing it up when they walked in, thinking it was an appetizer of real cheese.

Sophia and I danced for a large part of the evening.  It was a lot of fun.  We even re-danced the “first dance” from our own wedding — a swing dance to the Andrew Sisters’ Bir Mir Bis Du Shein.  Later that evening, we met a single woman who was by herself, so we invited her to dance with us.  Let me tell you — dancing with two women — that was as close to a threesome as I’m probably ever going to get!

The next day, I got up early because the radio station was calling me at 7:45 AM for my radio “interview” with Washington Post radio about Mel Gibson.  After the interview, I was wired.  I suggested to Sophia that we go have some breakfast..   She agreed.

Now, remember — Sophia and I are separated and live in two different homes.   As I started to get dressed to go out, I realized I only had my underwear from last night.  After all my dancing, I was all sweaty, and I certainly didn’t want to put on the same pair of underwear.

“Sophia, do you have any of my underwear around?”  I yelled.

“No, I think you took them all to New York.”

This was the trip we took to New York and the Berkshires several weeks back.  Which meant that most of my underwear were still in my luggage, sitting in my living room at the other apartment.

“I have no underwear!” I sobbed.

Now, in our past discussions on underwear, I learned that many of you like to go “commando,” which is an expression I had never encountered until I started blogging.   Let me just say, in the strongest terms possible, that I find going “commando” completely uncomfortable and unsafe.  God would not have created underwear if he meant man to be freely flopping all around like that — especially when there are dangerous zippers nearby, ready to snare their prey.

No, I would not go “commando.”

Instead, I went into Sophia’s underwear drawer.  I pushed aside the thongs (how do women wear those things?) and the granny underwear (hey, I’m fashionable!), and tried to find something that was as close to a male brief as possible.  My closest choice was a cotton yellow brief with red trim, and “I Love Curious George” written across the ass.  It didn’t fit perfectly; it looked like a small Speedo with Curious George’s face in front, but it would do until later.

And yes, I am still at Sophia’s right now  — and I am still wearing her panties!

I hope you realize how brave I am for telling you all this.  I hope this enables men all over the blogosphere to explore their own sexuality and not be afraid to experiment.   Men love to tell stories about getting into the panties of some woman.  But how many are confident enough to tell a story about getting into the panties of some woman — and I mean literally wearing them?!

The Sidewalk of Love

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Whenever friends come to visit me in Los Angeles for the first time, they always want to see Hollywood’s Walk of Fame.  In all honesty, this collection of Hollywood “stars” is completely cheesy, but I guess stepping on Humphrey Bogart’s “star” is about as close as most of us are ever going to get to shaking his actual hand.  After all, we go to cemeteries and interact with the tombstones as if they were the actual person, so why not relate to a piece of the sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard?

One can laugh at the corniness of the Walk of Fame, but the concept has been imitated countless times over.  In my travels, I’ve seen a Cowboy Walk of Fame, an Astronaut Walk of Fame, a Yiddish Theater Actors Walk of Fame, a Surfer’s Walk of Fame, and even a Physicist’s Walk of Fame at Caltech.  I will not be surprised if someone already has the url: bloggerswalkoffame.com

I’ve seen this “walkway” idea morph into other concepts that move away from the “fame” idea.  Before I moved back into Los Angeles, I lived a few miles south in the beach community of Redondo Beach, where Sophia still lives.  The next town over is Hermosa Beach.   

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In 2000, the town created a “Millennium Walkway” at a local park.  Local residents could purchase bricks to be etched with their names.  But unlike the theme being famed Hollywood actors or astronauts, the theme was a simple one —  “Love.”   Each brick would bear the name of a loving couple, mostly those who were happily married.

It was a beautiful, romantic idea. 

It was also incredibly stupid.  

Because a stone symbolizing a couple’s love “forever” is more of a crap shoot than a Hollywood star immortalizing Judd Nelson’s acting career.  What could be more fleeting, more ephemeral –  than love?

Six years after the Millennium, several of the marriages celebrated “forever” have already gone kaput.    In fact, three divorced couples are in a battle now with the city of Hermosa Beach to rip out their names.   Two of the requests have come from new wives of two men whose names remain etched in brick with those of their ex-wives.

Hermosa Beach Community Resources Director Lisa Lynn reluctantly acknowledged receiving the requests by telephone.

“One wife was going for a romantic stroll with her new husband and low and behold, she saw his ex-wife’s named etched in brick,” Lynn said. The one ex-husband who contacted the city said his new love would not marry him as long as his ex-wife’s brick haunts her millennial footsteps.

Lynn responded to the requests by saying the city has no plans to remove any of the walkway’s 738 bricks, she said.

Do I hear lawsuit?

I always hear of lovers who get a tattoo of their beau’s name. Does it ever come off?  Or are you forever scarred with a remembrance of that relationship gone bad?

On the day that Sophia and I moved into our place in Redondo Beach, the City was doing some work repaving the sidewalk right outside our garage.   After they left, we took a tree branch and engraved our initials into the cement.  It is still there.  I look at it every time I visit.  But rather than it being a negative memory, it reminds me why I keep coming back.

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A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  The Fourteen Millionth Most Popular Blog

Los Angeles: The Glamorous Life

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A friend of mine once tried to start a magazine.   He explained to me how magazines became successful.  You take some niche topic (Golf, Fishing, Teenage Girls’ Fashion, Investing,  New York City Upscale Mothers) and you write articles which make your readers feel insecure.  This way, they’ll continue to read your magazine and buy your advertiser’s products, hoping that ONE DAY they could be as successful as the person on the cover.

I pretty much use the same technique here at Citizen of the Month.   I know that for many of you living in god-forsaken places such as Montana, Pittsburgh, and Staten Island, I must be the single most glamorous person you’ve ever encountered.   After all, I live in the star-studded entertainment capital of the world — Los Angeles.   I open my shades every morning and hear the birds singing, smell the ocean air, and see Lindsay Lohan walk her dog.  My life is all about glamour.  Sometimes, I think of quitting blogging.  But then I remember all the “little people” — people like you — the ones who depend on a little elegance and sophistication to add meaning to their small-town lives.    You can easily compare me to a Fred Astaire movie of the 1930’s — top hats, champagne, and Cole Porter — letting the sad, Depression-era audiences have a little bit of taste of “The Good Life.”

My Sunday began like many others in the beautiful City of Angels.  As I awoke, a beautiful Hollywood actress walked out of my shower.  I admired her perfect naked body.  She was exotic, with a sexy foreign accent. 

“Remember to watch Windfall on NBC this Thursday,” she said, reminding me about her upcoming appearance on TV.

“Of course, Sophia.”  I said.

Los Angeles.  City of Dreams.  The sun.  The beach.  Famous actresses. 

I was living my dream.  

“How about we go have some brunch?’  I asked her, as she combed back her hair, her highlights shimmering like the crown of a goddess.

“Sure.  Where?”

Those of you who live in boring places like Washington D.C., Atlanta, and Paris probably don’t understand that this is a complex question.  Los Angeles is filled with some of the most fabulous and cutting-edge restaurants in the country.  I know that for most of my readers, going “out” means shlepping over to “Mr. Pizza” at the mall with the kids.  But for someone like me, going out means choosing from one of the hippest and trendiest eateries in town.  For us Angelenos, eating out is important.  Like clubbing and shopping on Rodeo Drive.  You need to be part of the scene.  “See and be seen” is our motto.

“How would you like to check out ‘Chicago for Ribs’?” I asked my naked actress friend.

“Is it any good?”

“I have no idea.  But I received a two-for-one coupon in the mail.”

“Cheapskate, as usual”

Although I don’t mind using a coupon (Men: only use a coupon ONCE you’re married), I’m always embarrassed giving it to the waiter.  What to do?  Make you wife do it.

“Here’s the coupon.”  I said, as we entered Chicago for Ribs, trying to shove the coupon into Sophia’s hand.

“Be a man for once in your life.  You give him the coupon!”

I sighed.  Sophia was right.  How difficult can it be to give someone a stupid coupon?

We were greeted by Frank, the maitre d’ (can you call the guy who takes you to your booth in Chicago for Ribs a maitre d’?) .  He was a sourpussed man in his forties who looked like he took a summer job at Chicago for Ribs in 1980 and never left.

“You should give him the coupon NOW,” said Sophia, as we went to our table.  “They like to get it before you order.”

I hemmed and hawed.

“Give it to him now,” she repeated.

As we sat, I showed the coupon to Frank.

“I received this coupon in the mail.  Is it OK to use it today for lunch?”

“Yes.  I’ll take it. ” The stone-faced maitre d’ replied, not really giving a shit.

Our waiter approached.

“Hi, I’m Jamal!” he said with a smile.  Finally — someone friendly!

Sophia ordered beef ribs, with side dishes of corn and coleslaw.  I ordered chicken, with side dishes of baked potato and beans.   Originally I was just going to order a sandwich, but since Sophia ordered something for $12.95, it was mathematically important that I order something for the same price — or the whole point of a two-for-one coupon is lost.

The meal was both decent and mediocre.  Real BBQ lovers would have probably thrown the “Chicago-style ribs” from the top of the Sears Tower.  But Jamal was a nice guy, who kept on refilling our iced tea.  Jamal also had great teeth. 

We received the bill.  It was $35 dollars, with drinks.  There was no discount for our two-for-one coupon.  I looked over at Sophia.

“No way!  You handle it, once in your life.” she said.

I waited for Jamal to return.

“Um…  We wanted to use a coupon with this.”  I told him.

“Sure.  Just give it to me and I’ll take care of it.”

“Um…  Actually, we already gave the coupon to the other guy when we first walked in.”

“Who?  Frank?”

“I think so.” 

“OK, I’ll ask him for it.”

A few minutes later, Jamal returns, shaking his head.

“Frank said you never gave him a coupon.”

“Isn’t Frank the guy at the door?”

“Yes.”

“I’m positive I gave it to Frank when we sat down.”

Sophia was getting impatient with my method of “taking care of things.”

“Could you bring Frank over here, please?!” she asked.

Jamal returned with Frank.   This was the same sourpuss who I gave the coupon.

“You didn’t give me any coupon.” he said.

“Of course he did!” said Sophia.

“I told you I got it in the mail,” I added sheepishly, hoping he’d remember our conversation.  “I asked you if we could use it at lunch…”

“And I told you ‘yes.'” Frank said.  “But I never took the coupon.”

I quickly went through all my pockets, emptying everything onto the table.

“I’m POSITIVE I gave you the coupon.”

“I SAW him give it to you,” said Sophia.

“I don’t have it.”  said Frank.  “And I really need that coupon for accounting purposes.   Let me check in the back one more time.  Although I certainly don’t remember you giving me any coupon…”

Sophia and I were left there with Jamal.  Sophia was getting pissed.

“What is the big deal with this goddamn coupon?  Do we look like we would sneak in here, couponless, and FAKE having a coupon?” 

Jamal smiled.

“Don’t worry.  I’ll just take it off.   Frank loses everything ALL THE TIME.  The only reason he works here is that cousin is the owner.  Frank’s a moron.”

Jamal took $12.95 off of the menu and we went on our merry way.  

The rest of the day was equally as fabulous.  We went to E-Z Lube and got an oil change.  At night, I played in a high-stakes Texas Hold-em tournament with five women.  At the end, I beat an eighty-two year old grandmother in heads-up action.  I won the $100 pot.   The grandmother deserved to lose.  She was a card shark.

I do LIVE the LIFE!   Don’t hate me because I’m glamorous.

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Learning from Barbra Streisand

A Croc of a Post

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My blog editor burst into my office, fear on her face.

“Are you trying to destroy your blog?” screamed Sophia. “The blog we’ve been working so hard to build into an empire?!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Look at your last couple of posts.  First you encouraged women to write pornographic comments on your posts.”

“Big deal. So we lost a couple of prudes.”

“Then you practically called all your French-born readers a bunch of anti-Semites.”

“Yeah, they can stick some Freedom Fries up their ***!”

“You need to start writing some positive feel-good material.”

“I wrote yesterday about how wonderful you were in your gig on NBC’s “Windfall.”

“And look what happened? Your site crashed for half the day. No one read the post for twelve hours!”

“I’m sure those who missed it are going to go back and read it today.”

“Whom are you kidding? NO ONE ever goes back and reads a day-old post.”

As a former amateur child magician, I am always prepared with a trick.

“Uh… say… uh… hey… how about we go buy you some new shoes?” I said with a smile.

“Shoes?”

“Yes. Some Crocs.”

“Crocs?”

“Yes, I hear that they are the most comfortable shoes around. All the women are talking about it.”

“Since when do you know about women’s shoes?”

“Come on, let’s go buy a pair!”

“OK…”

(And they say you never learn anything by reading blogs)

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At the pool. (via giddygoon)
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At her wedding. (via ashlover)
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On male soldier in Afghanistan (via violinsoldier)

 

A Year Ago On Citizen of the Month: Sue Me

A Very Brief Windfall

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Last Thursday Sophia appeared in her first of two episodes of NBC’s “Windfall,” playing a Russian interpreter. I was all excited about the big day. I invited some friends over for a screening party.

After snacking on some wine, cheese, and dessert, we sat down to watch the show. Everyone clapped as the show started. During the opening credits, the group talked about how old Luke Perry got and tried to remember if Jason Gedrick once dated Julia Roberts.

Sophia’s scene came within the first ten minutes of the show. Without going into too many details, there is a Russian lowlife who is accused of killing one of the winners of the Windfall lottery. Sophia plays his court interpreter. The scene began. A few seconds later, the scene ended.

“That’s it?” asked Sophia. “They cut my two and a half page scene to fifteen seconds!”

We told Sophia she was very good. She actually was very good, stealing the spotlight in her brief moment on screen. But Sophia’s mind was still focused elsewhere.

“And there was something else I think I noticed…” she said.

Sophia used her DVR to rewind back to the scene.

“My god, look at that, for half the scene, my face is covered by the NBC logo! Maybe it’s just as well.”

We couldn’t help but laugh. The life of a Hollywood actress!

We reminded Sophia that she is in an upcoming episode, hopefully one with more lines left uncut. Actually, Sophia didn’t want me to tell my readers in advance about her TV appearance because she was upset about the way they made her look for the part. They had dressed her in a dowdy outfit with bad makeup and hair, as if she just got off the boat from Siberia. Sophia hated the fact that they thought being a foreigner or someone over size 4 meant you walk around wearing a potato sack.

“I know a part is a part, and I don’t mind at all being made ugly if it’s necessary, but here?” she asked. Don’t they know?… Court interpreters are always the sharpest looking people in the courtroom!”

Despite it all, we ate and drank and celebrated. Even if you’re on a network show for a few seconds, it’s a big thing. Sophia started relaxing — that is until her mother called.

Sophia’s Mom: “They certainly didn’t do you any favors by how they made you look. And you were only on a few seconds?! Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?”

Sophia: “What’s the difference?”

Sophia’s Mom: “Then I wouldn’t have told all my friends to watch it!”

I’m not sure what is worse for a woman — working in Hollywood or talking with her mother!

A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month: Five is a Crowd

Mile High Games

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In my single days, I loved flying cross-country.  Long flights allowed me to read entire novels in one sitting.  My airplane-reading days ended once I started flying with Sophia.

1)  She is afraid of flying.  She actually grabs my hand as we take off and asks me to pray with her.  I usually play along until she gets pissed at me for ‘rolling my eyes.’

2)  She cannot sit still for five minutes.  She hates being trapped in an airplane, especially when the person in front of her leans his seat back, giving her exactly three inches to move about.   It’s not long before she’s cranky and telling me stories about how she USED to travel in FIRST CLASS with some old boyfriend.

Why does American Airlines book the worst possible movies?  The minute I take out a book to read, I hear Sophia:

“How about we play some cards?” or “How about we do the crossword?” or “How about we take out the American Airlines magazine and circle how many states we’ve visited?”

During our recent flight from NY to LA, Sophia overheard two female flight attendants having a brief exchange as they passed by our seats, preparing to sell us our lunch.

“Are you going to play in the game tonight?” said one.

“You bet!” replied the other.

Sophia turned to me, somewhat excited.

“Did you hear that?”

“What?”

“They’re playing some game when they get into LA.  Maybe it’s Texas Hold-em?”

“So what?”

(Note:  If you’re new here, Sophia’s latest obsession is watching Texas Hold-em tournaments on TV)

“Maybe I can get into these games.” she said.

“You’ve got to be kidding?!”

She wasn’t.  She rang for one of the flight attendants.  Mindy, a brunette flight attendant from Orange County, came over.

“Can I help you?” asked Mindy.

“Excuse me, ” said Sophia.  “This may sound like a weird question.  But I overheard that you girls play in some game in LA?  Would it be Texas Hold-em?”

“The game?!  Oh no!” she laughed.   “It’s defintiely not poker.  It’s a game we play here right on the flight.”

“Really?”  Sophia asked, her eyes light up.  “What is it?”

Mindy kneeled down next to her.

“I really shouldn’t be telling you this…” said Mindy, glancing over at me, suspiciously. 

Sophia told me to look the other way and cover my ears.   I cheated and listened in as Mindy “spilled the beans.”

“The game is something we girls play on long flights.  We imagine that we are stranded on an deserted island and have to pick just one passenger from the plane to procreate with.”

“Wow,” announced Sophia.  “What a great game!”

After the seat belt sign went off, Sophia jumped up, released from the prison of her seat, and strolled up and down the aisles.  Eventually, she returned, all smiles.

“So, is it me?”  I asked cockily.

Sophia didn’t answer.  Mindy stopped by.

“17C” said Sophia.

“Exactly.” agreed Mindy.

I looked at my seat number.  It read 25D.

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Sophia vs. Lavalife

The Berkshires – A Wrap-Up

The Berkshires Have History —

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Sophia, my mother, and I rented a house in Cheshire, MA for the week. It overlooked a lake with ducks and geese. We had a rowboat. In the middle of Cheshire is a monument to the town’s fame: The Cheshire Cheese Press.

In the 18th Century, a town had to have a Congregationalist church, in order to be officially incorporated in Massachusetts. Cheshire was founded by Baptists, so it had a problem becoming a town. Thomas Jefferson, the President at the time, was a strong advocate of religious liberty. The town of Cheshire honored Jefferson by creating an enormous wheel of cheese and shipping it off to the White House. The cheese was four feet in diameter, thirteen feet around, seventeen inches high, and weighed in at 1,235 pounds. Jefferson was quite pleased. Coincidentally, Wooly Mammoths had just been discovered, so the cheese was nicknamed, “The Mammoth Cheese,” popularizing the word “mammoth” as meaning “extra-large.”

Soon after receiving the cheese, Jefferson made his first mention of the term “separation of church and state,” in a letter, partly inspired by Cheshire’s problem as a town.

So on July 4th, remember the town of Cheshire and eat some American cheese!

The Berkshires Have Interesting Residents —

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Sophia and I had the opportunity to meet the engaging blogger, Claire, who lived nearby. Keeping in the tradition of meeting in a blogger-appropriate spot, we met her in an unpretentious, but cool coffee shop on Main Street, North Adams. The three of us talked for nearly two hours about the beauty of Massachusetts and life in general. It was amusing that Sophia and I thought we were in “the country” while Claire felt we were still in a fairly “urban” environment.

As we left the coffee shop, Sophia hugged Claire goodbye. Suddenly, we heard some crazy old guy calling out, “And what about me? Can I get a hug, too?” Sophia, being Sophia, was happy to oblige, she went over and hugged the crazy guy. After saying that Sophia was just as nice and cute as his great-granddaughter, and how the hug made him all excited, he proudly showed us this framed photo of a little girl and a dolphin that he just bought at Goodwill for ninety-nine cents. He then proceeded to tell Sophia and Claire both dirty jokes and jokes about the Pope, such as, “The Pope has bird flu. He got it from the Cardinal.”

The owner of our vacation house ended up being a well-known professor of ethics. On our first day at the house, the place was pretty filthy from the last guests. We called Donald the “handyman in charge” who came by (a little drunk) to clean up. He fiddled around a bit, never letting go of the Pabst Blue Ribbon he was holding in his hand. He then proceeded to bad-mouth the owner, telling us that she hardly pays him anything for all the “work” he does. Not wanting professors everywhere to look bad, Sophia gave him a ten dollar “tip.”

The next day, Sophia, my mother, and I are relaxing on the back porch when, out of the shadows, Donald the handyman appears (another Pabst in his hand)! After we catch our breath, he asks us if he can help us in any way.

Could he show us how to fish? Would we like to know where to get good pizza?

Even after we said no, he stood around for a while, telling us how the ten dollar tip came in handy yesterday. Donald said that he didn’t really need the money or this job, but most of his finances was tied up in the stock market. When we didn’t give him another tip, we never saw him again.

The Berkshires are a Cultural Mecca —

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Not only did we enjoy the beautiful scenery (when it wasn’t pouring), but we took in a tremendous amount of the Arts. We saw great exhibits at the Clark Museum in Williamstown and the Mass MOCA in North Adams. We heard music at Tanglewood in Lenox. We saw theater at the Barrington Stage Company in Pittsfield. We saw an amazing dance performance at the gorgeous Jacob’s Pillow in Becket.

All this culture produced a surge of creativity in my soul. One night, as I sat on the back porch looking at the lake, a lightbulb lit up above my head. I had come up with the perfect creative solution for getting Sophia alone, away from mother.

It was as the Muses were whispering right into my ear, “Take Sophia out into the middle of the lake with the rowboat. Play some romantic music. She’ll be so excited seeing you rowing, that before you know it, she’ll be riding you in the boat until she screams out in pleasure like a wild loon.”

The next day, I set the plan in motion. I took the rowboat and rowed Sophia out into the middle of the lake. I fed her the strawberries we picked ourselves that morning on a farm.

“How about some music?” I asked.

“Music? How are we going to get music?”

“Modern technology.”

I took out my Sprint cellphone that I got through the Sprint Ambassador Program and clicked on “Music Download – Search.”

“How about if we download something appropriate — some music with ‘Lake’ in it?”

The first piece of music that popped up was an excerpt from “Swan Lake.”

“Sounds good. Classy and romantic,” I thought. “Perfect for sex in a rowboat.”

Five minutes passed. Downloading… Downloading… Downloading…

Sophia was getting bored.

“Forget about it,” she said.

“No, we need some mood music.”

“What for? Can’t we just listen to the quiet of the lake?”

It was time to tell her about my special plans for the afternoon. But I also had something else on my mind, because I’m a man who believes in protection before sex. I pulled out a lifejacket from under my seat.

“Sophia, I want you to wear this.”

“I’m not wearing that thing. It’s ugly and dirty.”

“I’ll wear one, too. Besides, my mother says it’s the law.”

“I thought only kids wear that.”

“No, everyone should wear one. Especially you. You’re not much of a swimmer. What if the boat shakes and tips over?”

“Why would the boat shake? The lake is so calm.”

“Just wear it.”

“No, it’s gonna make me hot.”

“I was hoping you were going to get “hot” about something else.”

“What are you talking about?”

‘Swan Lake’ started chirping on my cellphone.

“Romantic, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Holy shit, Neil. Did you really think we were going to have sex on a rowboat in the middle of a lake?”

“No good?”

“There are houses on the lake. People can see us”

“We’ll be doing them a favor. What else is there to do in Cheshire?”

“Neil, we’re separated. Even if no one could see us, I don’t think we should confuse things. Let’s just row around the beautiful lake and relax.”

I rowed, rowed, rowed the boat, completely frustrated. Suddenly the clouds darkened and it started to drizzle.

“We better get out of here now,” I said, as I turned the boat around and started to row faster.

“It’s only a tiny drizzle,” protested Sophia. “It’s still so nice out here.”

“We should go.”

“I actually like the rain. It’s romantic.” Sophia said, smiling. “And it makes it much more difficult for anyone to see us.”

“What are you saying?”

“You know what I’m saying.” she purred seductively.

Sophia looked over at me with a mischievious grin. I knew the look.

“Now?!” I cried. “NOW you want to do it?!”

It thundered, which freaked the hell out of me.

“What if lightning hits us?” I continued. “We’re sitting ducks in here. We’re in the middle of water, in a metal contraption. We can be dead!”

“I thought lightning just hits the trees.”

“No. With my luck, it’s gonna hit us! ”

Lightning brightened the dark sky. Sophia looked up in awe.

“Wow, it’s like we’re seeing Mother Nature at work. It’s so beautiful…”

Sophia reached over to touch me.

“Are you crazy, Sophia?! We have to get out of the water NOW.”

I started rowing back at record speed.

“So, are you saying “no” to me now?” she asked.

“I’m saying NO to being in the middle of a lake in the middle of a thunderstorm!”

“This is just like you. Always such a scaredy-cat. You and your lifejackets. .”

“There’s lightning going on!”

“It’s 10 miles away. You’re always so overly cautious.”

“Everyone leaves the water when it rains!”

“How do you know?”

“Wanna bet? I bet you that every local here leaves the water when it starts to rain and thunder.”

“You have yourself a bet!”

Later, after we safely made it back to the house, I spoke to Claire and she agreed with me about leaving the water.

“Ha Ha. Claire said I was right!” I said to Sophia, mocking her. “I won the bet!”

That night, I slept in the third bedroom, with only my Penis as company.

“You’re such a schmuck,” my Penis said to me.

A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month: Flushing, Queens

Advice to Other Male Bloggers

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When making summer vacation plans, traveling with wife or girlfriend AND your mother is not the ideal arrangement, despite what you may think. 

“Why, I would think it is the perfect arrangement!” YOU — the male blogger — might say to yourself. “After all, aren’t these the two most important women in my life?”

That’s exactly what I thought.  But for some strange reason that men cannot understand, women and their mother-in-laws have a strange relationship.   Conflicts may arise over the most miniscule issues, such as whether or not to use low-fat mayonnaise in a tuna fish salad.  

And for the record, the fresh country air does wonders for a male’s sexuality.  However, ironically, the presence of a mother-in-law seems to have the completely opposite effect on the female species.

The Boy Who Cried Goose

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Sophia, my mother, and I are sitting on the porch in Cheshire, MA, looking at the lake and the “geese” on the lawn.

Sophia: “You know, Neil, you might need to write a retraction on your blog. You told them all that you chased away these geese, but, um, I think they are ducks.”

Neil: “Ducks? You think so?”

Mom: “What’s the difference?”

Sophia: “Geese and ducks are as different as wolves and dogs.”

Mom: “Yeah, but wolves eat dogs. Geese don’t eat ducks.”

Sophia: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Mom: “I don’t know, but it’s true.”

Neil: “What do ducks eat anyway?”

Sophia: “I think they eat fish.”

Neil: “So, why are they always here on the lawn, looking for food?”

Sophia: “They must also eat grass.”

Mom: “Maybe these ducks are vegetarian.”

Neil: “I thought the reason ducks came out of the water was to clean themselves off.”

Sophia: “What do you think, ducks are like cats?”

Mom: “Wouldn’t it make more sense if they just cleaned themselves off while they swim? They’re in the water already, for God’s sake!”

Neil: “I wonder if ducks and geese even get along?”

In other news, my relationship with Emily Dickinson has spiraled out of control. After our one night stand at her New England home, she’s called me on my phone ten times. When I stopped answering, she sent me a text message saying that she’s thinking about me constantly . She even wrote a poem about me for this week’s Poetry Thursday.

Wild nights! Wild nights! by Emily Dickinson

Wild Nights! Wild Nights!
Were I with thee,
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile the winds
To a heart in port,
Done with the compass,
Done with the chart!

Rowing in Eden!
Ah! the sea!
Might I but moor
To-night in Thee!

I send her an IM telling her that I’m really not in a position to start a serious relationship.

She IM-ed back:

“And what exactly did you think we WERE HAVING when you pushed me against the Italianate style armoire in my drawing room and took pleasure in the ‘rhythm of delight’?”

“Huh? I answered.

“We f***ed, you asshole!” she wrote back.

I immediately blocked this crazy Emily chick and made myself “invisible” on Yahoo messenger.

This morning, I woke up early hoping to look at the lake outside my window. Instead, I found a dead, bloody duck (or was it a goose?) hanging from my window sill, “Fatal Attraction”-style. Attached was a handwritten note from Emily Dickinson:

“Nathaniel Hawthorne was a better lay.”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Marketers, Over Here!

Movin’ On Up

Yesterday, Chac commented on an old post about relationships and astrology:

Aquarius woman here…  OK – I think you may want to look at the ascendant signs (your outward masks) and your moon signs (emotional behaviors) before totally giving up. Your sun sign is how you see yourself – your ego, if you will. So, here is my point: My ego is Aquarius. My outward appearance is Libra. My moon is Scorpio. Lots of sex, inner-conflict and intellectual sparring. Basically, a female version of Bronte’s Heathcliff. My poor, poor boyfriend… I’ll bet you are just a bit more curious about Sophia’s other signs now – you should be 🙂

Do I understand what she wrote?  Not at all.  But maybe the stars are the best explanation for the tiff I had yesterday with… uh, Sandy.  (I promised… uh, Sandy, that I wouldn’t talk about her without her permission, so for now, I will be using the name… uh, Sandy, as a stand-in for… uh, Sandy).

Please point me to a book or blog where a writer does a good job in capturing in words a marital tiff.   I’ve mentioned this before.  I am hopeless.  I have no skill in describing those irritating little marital tiffs.  Just writing the dialogue wouldn’t make any sense.  It wasn’t an all out fight.  In fact, we had a nice day at a friend’s “Memorial Weekend” BBQ.  When we got home, Sandy asked me to pick up some saucepan that I had washed earlier (and put it on the floor to air-dry).  I got upset, raised my voice, said something sarcastic and it all went downhill from that.

So, the fun ended and back I went to my “bachelor” apartment. 

I don’t particularly like my apartment.  It’s one of those separated man’s limbo-land apartments. All the really nice stuff is back at Sandy’s.   My couch has crumbs under the pillows.  My computer table is a bridge table.   After living in a home with a “woman’s touch,” this apartment just seems drab.  So… utilitarian.  Women seem to know where to put everything so it looks nice.  Like flowers.

Sometimes Sandy and I joke about starting an online “home-shopping” website for separated men.  With one click of the button, they can order everything they need for their new “bachelor pad” — a couch, a bed, a TV, a lamp, a vacuum, and a toaster — and they’ll be all ready to live their new miserable lives.

But I don’t sit and wallow, especially on a holiday weekend.  If my apartment looks bad, it’s my own fault.  I’m creative.  I can change things.  So, today, I undertook the process of Bachelor Pad Home Makeover.  Today, in a few hours, I’ve already turned my apartment from a depressing dump into a place where I can bring a classy one night stand who says to me, “What a nice apartment.  Which way to the bedroom?”

I took some architectural photographs to show the process of my one day home re-design:

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The first step was to kick out my roommates.  While they can be a fun bunch who like to party, I’m getting too old for this “dorm living.”

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I’m also noticing that many of the more “high maintenance” Los Angeles women (you know the type)  refuse to f**k when there are other men, women, and children looking on in the bedroom.   Talk about prudes!   So, adios, roomies!  Remember to take your stuff from the fridge!

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Once my roommates were kicked out, it was time to paint.

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I’m a firm believer that the exterior of a home says as much about you as the interior.

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Always have a plan… whether it is in home renovation or life itself!

The results:

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Who’s living it up now… uh, Sandy?

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