Sophia, my mother, and I are sitting on the porch in Cheshire, MA, looking at the lake and the “geese” on the lawn.
Sophia: “You know, Neil, you might need to write a retraction on your blog. You told them all that you chased away these geese, but, um, I think they are ducks.”
Neil: “Ducks? You think so?”
Mom: “What’s the difference?”
Sophia: “Geese and ducks are as different as wolves and dogs.”
Mom: “Yeah, but wolves eat dogs. Geese don’t eat ducks.”
Sophia: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Mom: “I don’t know, but it’s true.”
Neil: “What do ducks eat anyway?”
Sophia: “I think they eat fish.”
Neil: “So, why are they always here on the lawn, looking for food?”
Sophia: “They must also eat grass.”
Mom: “Maybe these ducks are vegetarian.”
Neil: “I thought the reason ducks came out of the water was to clean themselves off.”
Sophia: “What do you think, ducks are like cats?”
Mom: “Wouldn’t it make more sense if they just cleaned themselves off while they swim? They’re in the water already, for God’s sake!”
Neil: “I wonder if ducks and geese even get along?”
In other news, my relationship with Emily Dickinson has spiraled out of control. After our one night stand at her New England home, she’s called me on my phone ten times. When I stopped answering, she sent me a text message saying that she’s thinking about me constantly . She even wrote a poem about me for this week’s Poetry Thursday.
Wild nights! Wild nights! by Emily Dickinson
Wild Nights! Wild Nights!
Were I with thee,
Wild Nights should be
Futile the winds
To a heart in port,
Done with the compass,
Done with the chart!
Rowing in Eden!
Ah! the sea!
Might I but moor
To-night in Thee!
I send her an IM telling her that I’m really not in a position to start a serious relationship.
She IM-ed back:
“And what exactly did you think we WERE HAVING when you pushed me against the Italianate style armoire in my drawing room and took pleasure in the ‘rhythm of delight’?”
“Huh? I answered.
“We f***ed, you asshole!” she wrote back.
I immediately blocked this crazy Emily chick and made myself “invisible” on Yahoo messenger.
This morning, I woke up early hoping to look at the lake outside my window. Instead, I found a dead, bloody duck (or was it a goose?) hanging from my window sill, “Fatal Attraction”-style. Attached was a handwritten note from Emily Dickinson:
“Nathaniel Hawthorne was a better lay.”
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Marketers, Over Here!