Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Sue Me

divorce2.jpg

(Sue Me by Frank Loesser — Guys and Dolls)

Call a lawyer and sue me,
Sue me
What can you do me,
I love you.
Give a holler and hate me
Hate me
Go ahead, hate me!
I LOVE YOU

The best years of my life, I was a fool to give you you

Alright, already, I’m just a no-goodnick!
Alright, already, it’s true.
So new.
So sue me, sue me
What can you do me?
I love you.

Every few weeks, Sophia or I bring up "divorce." 

"Isn’t it time already to do it?" one of us will ask.

We both are procrastinators, making things worse.   We still haven’t handed in last year’s taxes.   Or maybe it’s love?  Do we still love each other so much that we forget all the fights we had during our marriage?  Where am I going to find a woman who’s as beautiful, smart, and funny as Sophia?  A woman who is so way over my head?   A woman whose biggest fault is that she votes Republican?   I know for many of you, that alone is grounds for divorce.

Divorce seems so final, so drastic.

After the coolest wedding ceremony imaginable (we had a swing band, a klezmer band, and a belly dancer), we went on our honeymoon to Spain.  That’s where our troubles began.   My trip was that of a sightseer — Madrid, Cordoba, Grenada, Toledo.  Sophia was already a world traveller.  She liked to sit at cafes and drink coffee. 

Me:  The Prado opens at nine.  I really want to see the Goyas.

Sophia:  Relax.  Enjoy your coffee.  We’ll get there.  (to waiter bringing pastries)  Gracias, Senor. 

We were married a week and we were already seeing that we weren’t exactly compatible.

Our hotel in Madrid was pretty bad.  I asked for a "matrimonial" bed.  We got two single beds, each bolted to the floor.  We looked over Plaza de Mayor.   We didn’t realize that the Spanish don’t even start partying in the streets until 2AM. 

But we made it through seven years, even though I was less than the ideal husband.  

Today, Sophia asked me to to deliver some translation paperwork to the main court downtown for her job.  

Me:  Is that where you get divorce papers? 

Sophia:  I don’t know.

Me:  Should I get them? 

Sophia:  I don’t know.

Me:  I’ll look on Google if that’s where you get them.

Sophia:  Fine.  If that’s what you want.

Sophia has gone on a couple of dates.   I haven’t dated in years.   Is this what I really want?  Do I really want to be a loser like the rest of you, going on all these crappy online dates?

I have to admit, meeting a new woman sounds very exciting to me.  Can my readers please stop complaining about your miserable dating lives?   You’re making it difficult for me to make any decisions. 

Isn’t it fun meeting all types of new people?

I watched this new reality show "Hooking Up" last week for educational purposes — so I’ll learn modern dating techniques.  The one thing that really stuck out for me is that when each couple met for the first time, they kissed each other on the cheek.   All the couples kissed when they first met.

I never kiss a woman when I first meet her.   I always shake her hand.   Is this going to spell trouble for me?  Will the woman think I’m a cold fish?  Will the woman dismiss me immediately, thinking I’m probably bad in bed?

Sophia already knows I’m bad in bed — and still kept me around for several years.  Do I really want to get a divorce and start this all over again?
 

23 Comments

  1. I have no idea. E-spouse and I just celebrated eight years of marriage–mostly good times–although, like most people, I occasionally fantasize about dating again. If you want to read a lovely story about two divorcees who met via their blogs, check out http://www.threekidcircus.com/skiptomylu/.

  2. Heavy stuff there- what kind of answer are you looking for, serious of whimsical?

  3. Do I really want to be a loser like the rest of you, going on all these crappy online dates?

    Going to let that one slide… you are obivously torn right now.

  4. Sophia, I know you’re reading this. I’m sure you’re going to want to write a comment refuting that “bad in bed” comment. Sophia…? I mean, I’ve heard of women even faking orgasms just to get it over with. Those guys must be total losers. Ha ha. Sophia… any comments you want to write? Sophia…? Sophia…?

  5. You know what the best part about being single is…

    sleeping diagonal.

    Even if I get re-married, I would go the Ricky and Lucy route with 2 double beds, maybe even seperate rooms, better yet seperate apartments.

  6. Damn, and I thought I was having a bad day.

  7. Maybe I have to read through the archives, and maybe this is insensitive to ask but why are you not with Sophia, anyway (besides the previous statement about not being compatible).

    I think compatibility is over-rated. My husband and I are on opposite ends of everything. Many wonder what I’m doing with him, but I think it’s the incompatibility that keeps things interesting. I can never figure him out, or understand why he does certain things. This is why, after 7 years together, it still feels like I’m just barely getting to know him.

  8. cont’d

    Not to say incompatibility is the way to go, just sayin’ things don’t have to mesh perfectly all the time.

  9. First off, umm, did you just call me a loser?

    Secondly, my friends and I always give cheek kisses as well. And, I kiss most of my first dates hello. (On the cheek of course.)

    Finally, online dating will definitely provide you with good blogging material. Trust me, I know.

  10. If you get to the point where you’d like to date, my vote is to stear clear of ANY handshaking. That always seems so formal. Kinda like a job interview.

  11. That’s what I love so much about blogging — all the great advice you get from my readers. So a handshake is totally wrong. Check!

    I’m going on a dinner date tonight. The minute I meet her, I’ll kiss her on the cheek — like you all suggested. I don’t want her to think that I’m too formal or boring. I need to let her know that I’m a man who can take charge — at dinner and in the bedroom.

    During the entree, I might as well take this informality a bit further. I’ll go for some tongue action. That will be a “subtle hint” of what will come if she continues to date me.

    During dessert, I’ll grab her breasts. I’ll say something witty like, “These two beautiful things are all I really want for dessert.” From what I hear from women bloggers, a man with a good sense of humor really turns a woman on.

    We’ll be in the backseat of my broken down Honda Civic in no time — that is if I don’t ask her to drive!

    Thanks! I’ll report back later on how the date went!

  12. LOL, Neil, you need more sleep.

    …and thank you.

  13. Now how come the guy I’m dating doesn’t sweep me off my feet like that during dessert?!

    Good luck with the date!

  14. Neil, You’re so witty. I think that you’d charm just about anyone off of her feet. But I am glad that you and Sophia are good friends. My great-grandma pulled a Liz Taylor and remarried a man she divorced. It worked out the second time around…

    Just a bit of advice…

  15. LOL! Now THAT would be a blog-worthy date, Neil!

  16. Neil, I’m so glad you’ve found my website. If you scan the date-related posts you’ll find all my opinions about dating/relationships/marriage. I prefer NO kiss on the first date, handshake ONLY. Online dating sucks and we are all losers. I hate being a spinster, but I fear marriage more…

  17. Thanks, Regina. If we lived in the same city, I’d come over and give you a handshake.

  18. You really crack me up Neil!!!! And Sophia sounds amazing and you’re right to not want to let go of her – you are nothing without her – there are spiritual roots to explain all these things – a man and woman form a vessel together for drawing the light – I know this sounds like science fiction but it’s true. A man without a woman is like a sailboat without wind.

    Our generation is reaching a point where we will not find any satisfaction in anything external to ourselves – you can replace Sophia a million times but it won’t give you any genuine sense of fulfillment – just like your friends aren’t finding any genuine fulfillment in online dating.

    Everything was planned this way so that this generation would stop and contemplate what we’re doing here – why we were put here in the first place – what the purpose of everything is.

    You are such a classic example of this phenomenon – you have a woman you’re crazy about and obviously drawn to but you can’t get any lasting satisfaction from the relationship.

    Look around you Neil – do you know anyone nowadays that’s genuinely satisfied and happy with their life? We keep searching for all kinds of things to fill us but there is only one kind of filling that’s really going to do the trick.

    Everything in this world – sex, food, shopping, movies – they’re all just there to distract us from the real thing – kabbalah gives us millions of times more filling than any of the above because it connects us to eternity.

    The only thing you’re going to take with you when you leave this world is your spiritual advancement – not the beautiful women in your life, your money, your cars, your bank accounts, your wardrobe, or your vacation photos.

    Sophia if you’re reading this – it’s the woman who usually draws her mate to discovering the meaning of life. So c’mon girl … what are you waiting for?

    Sorry for the long post but I just want to say one more thing – true love is not this romantic thing we have going on in this world – it’s about achieving similarity of form with the Creator.

  19. does Charlize Theron have a Blog, I’m looking to have a fling

  20. You hear that, Sophia, I’m a sailboat!

    Did I hear you say, “I’d rather find a yacht”?

    (and by the way, my “date” was just a joke, so I didn’t get lucky at all. Next time, I’ll put quotation marks around something I say that’s tongue-in-cheek.)

  21. This post was so honest, especially in the ambiguity. I need to backread, but how long have you two been separated? I’m certainly no expert on love (I’m single and never been married), but to me, if you two wanted to get a divorce, wouldn’t you have done so already? Obviously something is keeping you hanging on, and it doesn’t sound simply like desperation. But then again, who am I to say.

  22. I guess it depends on how well you know the person. But if it’s someone I don’t already have a solid friendship with trying to kiss me on the first date – he had better be aiming his lips at my ass… I’d much prefer the handshake!

  23. I think you should practice bowing. Handshakes, kisses..so anti-sanitary, and in such weather, too!

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