Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Author: Neil Kramer (Page 113 of 187)

The Blogosphere’s 2007 Class Photos

June 3, 2007 / / 29 Comments

It’s that time again, when many in the blogosphere get together with their “blogging groups” for the annual class photos and the signing of the yearbooks.   Will everyone continue blogging through September, or will they be lost to a “summer love?”

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2007 Class Photo of the Mommybloggers

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2007 Class Photo of the Dating Bloggers

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2007 Class Photo of the “How to Monetize Your Blog” Bloggers

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2007 Class Photo of the Knitting Bloggers

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2007 Class Photo of the Shopping Bloggers

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2007 Class Photo of the Sex Bloggers

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2007 Class Photo of the Celebrity Bloggers

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2007 Class Photo of the Readers of “Citizen of the Month”

We Are Devo

June 3, 2007 / / 26 Comments

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I never intended for my blog to be about “All Sophia, All the Time,” but lately SHE has been my life.  If you ever get the chance to date or marry someone who grew up in another country, you should go for it.  It is a great experience, and you learn so much.  I’ve always found other cultures fascinating, and I’m especially turned on by exotic accents.  It’s not like Sophia walks around dressed like a Russian babushka.   She left Russia at an early age.   It’s just that her eyes grow sleepy when I try to get her enthusiastic about something that is so familiar to me, like… baseball.

In times of stress, you sometimes want the comfort of the familiar, which is usually associated with your childhood — and frankly, our cultural references don’t easily match up.  A week ago, I had a dream about the TV show “Happy Days.”  I used to watch “Happy Days” after school.  Sophia has never seen the show once.  Sometimes, I get a little lonely to chat with someone who actually cares that it is the 30th Anniversary of “Star Wars” or even likes the movie (I showed it to her once and she barely watched it).  Luckily, I have so many low-brow blogging-friends who enjoy pop culture crap from the past.

Today, I was downloading some music.

“What are you downloading?” she  asked.

“Devo.”

“I didn’t know you like them?”

“I once saw them when I was a kid.”

“I didn’t realize they’ve been around so long.”

“They’ve been around forever.”

“I don’t get it.  Were they children singers when you saw them?”

“Children singers?  No.  What are you talking about?”

“Didn’t you say you saw Il Divo?”

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A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Spain is Cleaner than Portugal

Top Chef

June 1, 2007 / / 23 Comments

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I chose Ms. Syl’s dish as my first post-surgery dinner for one simple reason — she used the phrase “easiest recipe ever.”  Lizardek, I love you as a blogger, but any recipe using creme fraiche is a real turn-off for a beginning chef.

Here is the recipe for Ms. Syl’s Sexy Mango Salmon:

Easiest recipe ever and it looks fancy. You need only four ingredients, and you don’t have to measure anything, and even a GUY can make it (ha ha):

1) Salmon fillet (buy it FRESH, Neil)
2) Jar of mango Chutney (usually called “major gray’s”)–you’ll find it in a jar at your local supermarket either in the condiments or international food aisles
3) Seasoned bread crumbs (you can buy this already made and seasoned)
4) Pam Olive Oil cooking Spray (or substitute real olive oil if you can manage it)

Directions:

–preheat oven to 350

–Wash and pat dry salmon

–lay it skin side down in a pan sprayed with Pam (or greased with olive oil)

–take a few spoonfuls of chutney and smear it over the top of the salmon until all parts of it are covered

–Then sprinkle the bread crumbs in on top of the chutney layer (there should be just enough so that you can’t see the chutney anymore)

–spray breadcrumbs with pam olive oil spray (or, drizzle olive oil over bread crumbs)

–place in oven

–bake for 10-15 minutes, or until salmon flakes easily in the thickest part of the fish.

–if the bread crumbs haven’t gotten crunchy by the end, you can turn on the broiler and keep it there for a second so that the bread crumbs brown SLIGHTLY. watch it carefully so it doesn’t burn.

Easy peasy.

I won’t lie and say everything went perfectly.  It took me a half hour to find chutney at Ralph’s Supermarket.  It wasn’t in the “Asian” department.  Who would guess that it was next to the salsa?   When I came back home, I couldn’t lay the salmon “skin side down” because I thought a “salmon fillet” means it is skinless, so that’s how I bought it.  I also asked Sophia so many questions that she ended up helping me out (although she said I could tell you I made it totally by myself, but like I said, I won’t lie).

I think it came out pretty well, although I’m not sure how “fancy” it looks.  The breadcrumbs could have been more “crunchier” and my snap peas were overcooked and watery. 

Hold on.  It’s the phone.    Clotilde Dusoulier’s (Chocolate and Zucchini) book publisher is on the line…

“A what?  You want me to write a cookbook?   Oh, I’m sorry.  I have to turn you down.   I’m already busy writing “Citizen of the Month.”  Although I make no money doing it, I couldn’t disappoint my loyal readers.  How much?  Really?  Sure, f**k them!”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   Everyone Loves a Baby

Coherent Post Later

June 1, 2007 / / 60 Comments

1)  Sophia went into surgery with her usual good humor, making the staff laugh, and giving them the stickers that she had received from Eileen in Australia.

2)  Sophia patched things up with her surgeon, who explained that the “error” during the last surgery wasn’t really an error at all!  Sometimes, the tissue comes out in a twisted strand that doesn’t allow for orientation.  This still doesn’t explain why the other doctor told us this while the surgeon was on vacation.  Do doctors communicate with each other?  Was all that emotional stress for nothing?  Is the emotional well-being of the patient an afterthought?

3)  The surgery took about an hour.  The surgeon came out into the waiting room (finally!  He never did after the other surgery) and told me that the procedure went well.

4)  After Sophia woke up from the anaesthesia, she was crying so much that her pain got really bad and her blood pressure went extremely high.  The nurse had to give her some morphine.  The nurse told me that sometimes “the sub-conscious” speaks after waking up from surgery.

5)  As the nurse took Sophia’s temperature, I stood in front of the bed and massaged Sophia’s right foot.  I was surprised when Sophia, drunk from the powerful morphine, used her left foot to rub my groin up and down.  It felt good, but a little inappropriate in the recovery room.  Sophia insists this episode never occurred, but I have the nurse as an eyewitness, even though she was very polite about not mentioning the result.

6)  Sophia is exhausted and in terrible pain.  She took a vicodin, and it didn’t help at all, so she took another one, despite my protests.  The bottle says – only one every 4 hours.

7)  I slept on the bedroom floor last night — to be close to Sophia, but to also give her some room.  I’m glad I vacuumed the carpet on Wednesday.  I’m going to go back to sleep now.

8)  Despite her pain, I know that everything will be great in a few days.  Sophia will be healed and healthy.

9)  Thank you for all your support.  I’m sorry if I haven’t thanked you personally for your card or email.   (Nics in Belfast — Thanks for the beautiful flowers!)

10)  The Cedars-Sinai Breast Cancer clinic was packed yesterday.  Is Thursday free mammogram day?

Good Humor

May 30, 2007 / / 58 Comments

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If you’re reading this on Thursday, we’re probably already on our way to Cedars-Sinai, where Sophia is having a second surgery for the DCIS they found in her breast.  

We heard that laughter is good for healing, so tonight, we went to the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach to see Jay Leno perform.  I found the comedian much more entertaining — and real — in person than he seems on the Tonight Show.

Two weeks ago, before Sophia’s last surgery, the surgeon at Cedars-Sinai asked Sophia to write the word “Yes” on the right side of her chest, so everyone would be on the same page (or boob) during the surgery, and so no one would get sued.  

During the comedy show, Sophia had an idea.  When we first entered the club, the bouncer had stamped the back of our hands to show that we paid.   On the way out, Sophia asked him to stamp her again, but this time — in a very special place.   The bouncer seemed quite bewildered by the request, but Sophia was charmingly persistent, and so he went back to the office to retrieve the stamp.  I think the staff at Cedars should get a kick out of it.   

 At least they won’t forget which boob to work on.

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Wish Sophia good luck… and quick healing…

Food Blogger for the Day

May 29, 2007 / / 60 Comments

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It was about a year ago that I told the lie. A food blogger, most probably Delicious or Smitten, had written a post about an interesting dish she had made.

I wrote a comment saying that “I should try to make this dish.”

The blogger wrote back, asking, “Neil, you cook?”

I replied, “Of course.”

Now, I’m not stupid. I know that women love men who can cook, even more than men who are funny. So when a pretty food blogger asks if you can cook, you say, “Of course.”

Of course, I was lying. I’m not much of a cook. I can make a decent salad, a mushroom omellette, a tuna fish salad, and spaghetti and meatballs. That’s about it.

With Sophia in surgery mode, it has been on my shoulders to produce dinner lately — which means take-out. Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Lebanese, Italian. Frankly, it’s getting expensive. A large hot and sour soup + one chicken and broccoli = at least fifteen dollars.

That’s why, I’ve decided to do a little cooking next week. Sophia’s next second surgery is tomorrow, and she’ll probably be out of it for a few days. Wouldn’t it be nice for her to have some home-cooked meals?

This is where YOU come in. I need a few SIMPLE recipes. Remember, Sophia is not a Campbell’s Soup type of gal. The meals have to be simple enough for a moron to cook, but still tasty for a picky eater. Think of this as a public service for men who can’t cook.

And thank you, Whoorl and Marisa from Apartment 2024, who have already given me suggestions on Twitter. (Whoorl: The All-New Ultimate Southern Living Cookbook (is she nuts?)) (Marisa at Apartment 2024: Her terrific ForkYou.TV!)

Mommybloggers, I need you. If anyone knows how to whip up a simple meal, it is you. Now, I know a few of you are still upset at me for insulting you on this blog, mocking you, and drawing Stalin-era mustaches on the photos of your precious children. But let us now make peace. Tell me your secret — for how long do you cook rice?

And please. No macaroni and cheese. She won’t eat it.

And nothing with bacon.

And Delicious/Smitten/whoever it was — I’m sorry I lied.

One more question, before I do this cooking gig, do you think I should ask Sophia if she WANTS me to do this?

Meditative Monday

May 28, 2007 / / 28 Comments

1.

See Sophia.   She is stressed.   Sophia wants to de-stress. 

Sophia downloads “meditation MP3s” from the internet.   Sophia puts on her headset and de-stresses with the sounds of the waves.

2.

See Neil.  Neil is stressed.  Neil wants to de-stress.  Neil wants to go online and fantasize about half-naked female bloggers. 

Neil notices that Sophia has downloaded her “meditation MP3” from a mysterious “Russian site” that has infected the computer with various “worms.” 

Neil is now VERY STRESSED.

3.

See Sophia.  Sophia lies in bed with her eyes closed, visualizing the ocean.  She is unstressing.

Relax, Sophia, Relax!

4.

See Neil.  Neil sits in front of a computer monitor for five hours, waiting the “progress bars” of  virus-scanners and “hijack stoppers” slowly moving millimeter by millimeter.   Oddly enough, the blue-tinted “progress bars” are hypnotic.  After Neil’s eyes become blurry, the progress bars appear as bluebirds flying across the landscape of a Costa Rican beach.

Relax, Neil, Relax!

Overheard at Trader Joe’s

May 27, 2007 / / 39 Comments

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Mother to Mother:  “I will only give Danielle the organic Kashi cereal now.   I’m not supporting the Frosted Flakes-Cocoa Puffs industry anymore.    It’s time we were heard!”

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You have been heard.  Greedy sugary cereal producer of Frosted Flakes and Cocoa Puffs, Kellogg’s, OWNS Kashi (but you’ll never see it mentioned anywhere on the box or website).

Update:  From last year’s New York Times:

Conventional cereal makers have been looking for ways to jump-start sales in a category that has been flat since 1995. In 2003 total cereal sales, excluding Wal-Mart, were $6.99 billion. In 2005 they were $6.89 billion but alternative cereal companies continue to expand. In 2005, sales of alternative cereals (excluding sales at Wal-Mart) were $361 million, up from $273.5 million in 2003, a 32 percent increase, according to Spins research.

Many of the alternative cereal brands are owned by larger companies, including Kellogg and General Mills. “Cereals, like milk, are one of the primary entrance points for use of organics,” said Ms. Christenson of Spins, “which is pretty closely tied to children – health concerns, keeping pesticides, especially antibiotics, out of the diets of children. These large firms wanted to get a foothold in the natural and organic marketplace. Because of the mindset of consumers, branding of these products has to be very different than traditional cereals.”

These corporate connections are often kept quiet.

“There is frequently a backlash when a big cereal package goods company buys a natural or organic company,” Ms. Christenson said. “I don’t want to say it’s manipulative, but consumers are led to believe these brands are pure, natural or organic brands. It’s very purposely done.”

General Mills owns Cascadian Farm, and the name behind Kashi is Kellogg. Barbara’s Bakery is owned by Weetabix, the leading British cereal company, which is owned by a private investment firm there. Mother’s makes clear that it is owned by Quaker Oats (which is owned by PepsiCo). Health Valley and Arrowhead Mills are owned by a natural food company traded on the Nasdaq, Hain Celestial Group; H. J. Heinz owns 16 percent of that company.

The cereals sold under the Peace label are owned by Golden Temple, a for-profit company owned by a nonprofit group founded by the late Yogi Bhajan, who made his fortune from Yogi Tea, Kettle Chips and a company that provides security services.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  The Poetry Reading

Yes, I am Jim

May 25, 2007 / / 17 Comments

Note:  This is the third time I am re-publishing this so-so post.  I’m not this anal in real life.   The problem with the post, as you will see, is that the joke is based on me getting an email from HOLLY Newberry, when in reality, I received an email from a reader named HOLLIE Newberry.  Time for new glasses.

OK, here is the earlier post:

Once upon a time, people said I looked like John Lennon. Later, I was mistaken for Bill Gates. (you can read my depressingly awful first attempt at a “poem” about this subject here)

Last year, in IHOP, I was thought to be the actor who played Kirk from “The Gilmore Girls.” (I know the show just ended. What happened to Kirk anyway?)

Today I received an email:

Neil,

I’m a (somewhat) loyal reader of Citizen of the Month. Being the brave man you are, you post pictures of your self for all the world to see. While watching a mini-marathon of Shear Genius, and drinking vodka after 4 shots of novocaine and some happy gas at the dentist, I noticed that you look like the long lost brother of one of the contestants. I can’t remember his name, but I know he left the show early for his doing of horrible hair. Here he is:

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Did I tell you or what?

Sincerely,

Hollie Newberry

I scratched my head for a few minutes, wondering if this was a legitimate email. Other than us both wearing glasses, I don’t think I look anything like him. His name is “Jim” and he was eliminated from Bravo’s hair-styling reality show, Sheer Genius.

How do I know that information? Because I looked it up on Google.

I also Googled the email author, Hollie Newberry, and came up with this:

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(Men, if you do a search, you will find much much better photos of Hollie, who is apparently a famous British cheerleader)

Now, the emailer might not be THIS “Hollie,” but if she is, “Yes, I am Jim of Shear Genius.”

Note:  So, bascially, the whole post was based on a spelling error.  The email was from HOLLIE, not HOLLY, and I’m sure Hollie now hates me and will never read my blog again.  There was some more stuff to this post, but I deleted it.   Can I now move on to something new?

Have a great weekend!

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