Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Everybody Loves a Baby

baby2.jpg

This week’s Poetry Thursday assignment was to read your poem out loud. I read my poem to a few women in my neighborhood, and they all hated it. For some reason, it made me like it even more.

Everybody Loves a Baby

Everybody loves a baby
That’s the title of this piece
I heard this conversation (maybe)
While visiting my niece:

“Look at my little Beatrice
Isn’t she a gem?
She’s really quite angelic
She’ll surely voting Dem.

Her hair’s just like the hubby’s,
So fiery and red.
And don’t you love the Yankees cap
That’s sitting on her head?”

Now, as I watched this drama
I bit my lower lip.
I prayed for the overpriced stroller
To hit a rock and flip.

You see: I hate all babies,
And I mean every single tot!
All they’re really good for
Is dripping yucky snot.

That Beatrice, she looked stupid
I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.
And in that NY Yankees cap
She was ugly as Babe Ruth.

Babies are like homeless
They beg and beg for more
They don’t pay any taxes
They puke all over the floor.

I know I sound grouchy
With this tantrum, with my snit.
But my mother gave me formula
And this little brat gets tit.

62 Comments

  1. Are you sure that you wrote this and not your penis?

  2. Are you sure that’s how you spell “yucchy”? Cuz Google’s “define:” feature has it as “yucky”.

    Delightful. A poem within a poem, no less.

  3. Thanks, Jackt. I always wondered why we don’t tell each other when we see spelling or grammar mistakes. I’m changing it right now!

  4. Ah yes, I’m part of that whole sad generation RUINED by formula. That’s why it took 13 years of marriage for me to decide to have kids. See, Neil, the problem wasn’t that I didn’t like KIDS, it’s just that I didn’t like OTHER people’s kids.

    Great post.

  5. lol! What Jackt said! I love the bit about taxes then they puke all over the floor! lol!

    Who is Babe Ruth?

    Fitèna

  6. Fitena — Your Babe Ruth question gave me the biggest laugh. Of course you wouldn’t know who Babe Ruth is — why would you? He’s a famous American baseball player who played for the Yankees. You’ll have to Google him to learn more.

  7. Neil – you are a comic genius! Brilliant!

  8. From the picture, I figured you were going to be upset that she’s not being brought up a Met fan. But I see it comes down to the tit.

    Men.

  9. Funny.
    I have a couple of close male friends who weren’t breast fed either (however to rub salt into the wounds their siblings were!)
    They’re either in therapy or generally pissed off.(not tied to the proverbial apron strings, however).

  10. The fact that you don’t like kids
    Is very clear to see
    Try changing a baby’s diaper
    That’s full of sh** and pee.

    Then there’ll be more to write about
    When you list what you don’t like
    Soon Beatrice’s mom will be after you
    Calling you a “crazy kike!”

  11. i used to say “i don’t especially like dogs.” and people would answer “oh, you haven’t met MY dog.”

    that’s like saying that lesbians just haven’t met the RIGHT man.

    but not liking kids? that is completely different. you just haven’t met MY kid!

  12. Nipple envy, eh Neil? It’s a sad state to be in, I’m sure! At least your outlet is creative 🙂

  13. I like it. If that doesn’t get published then nothing should.

  14. Oh, you make me laugh.

  15. That’s great. My sentiments exactly…except I was breastfed.

    Reminds me of a Canterbury Tales project I had to do in 11th grade, using people I knew as the subjects. I should try doing an updated version one of these days.

  16. You just compared the poor kid to Babe Ruth. She’ll be scarred for life. And she doesn’t even know it yet.

  17. Babe Ruth?

    The Boy Wonder looked like Don Zimmer. I tried to reform his little face into Billy Martin, but it didn’t work.

  18. HA!
    I’m having an issue with the little tots in that my biological clock has stopped. Run out of batteries…the fucker’s broken.

    I can’t get into the baby mode, all of my friends are doing it, and now I’m getting the pressure…SHIT! It’s like highschool all over again.

    I hate it.

  19. oh, neil…you should submit this to the yale review. i am pretty sure they hate babies also.

  20. Love it! You’re the next Dr. Suess 🙂

  21. Funny and imaginative…
    You have lots of creative juices flowing man!

  22. finally, a true statement about babies.

  23. None of the women liked it? My gawd, have they no soul?? 😀

  24. Fantastic! You are a true wordsmith, Neil.

  25. Once you have them, you realize that–yes, most of this world really, truly does hate babies. Then, you think–wow, did I really just have three of them and NOW they say, “HA, we got you!”??? Well, you got me. But, I’ve got mine–and I’m grateful anyway. I loved your poem…

  26. I can’t believe you don’t like babies. Who wouldn’t enjoy a yogurt covered, sneezing little angel taking a plastic hammer to your computer’s delicate keyboard. Only a monster like you!

  27. I hate babies. Liked the poem though.

  28. LMAO! LOVE the poem Neil! (And I had three of them) Loving and taking care of these little creatures, when you look at the facts, (Like every oriface leaking some form of body fluid, and loud constant screams for this and that) really does defy logic.
    LOL. Beautifully, brutally honest.

    3T
    PS. None of mine were breast fed either. Which is WHY I still have breasts. Have never regretted it for a minute.

  29. I could tell when I started read this
    It was going to be one of your rants
    By the time I got to the end
    I thought I would pee in my pants

  30. I love you, in a bloggy sort of way. The first thing I thought was “oh God that fucking kid is wearing a Yankees hat.” Then I thought, please don’t tell me that’s his kid and he’s gonna start a fucking mommy blog. Then I read the poem and was in utter and I was right there with you. Kids = Dogs Same fucking thing.

  31. Non-Highlighted Heather

    June 1, 2006 at 10:25 am

    Well, I know that some people go through “re-birthing” therapy to overcome emotional detachment issues, etc. Maybe you could do something similar with nursing. I nursed my last baby for 18 months. Now, I don’t know if I’d really want to nurse you for a whole eighteen months, and it would require a big ass blanket to keep it discreet in public places, but I’d be willing to offer myself up as a part time wet nurse.

  32. Love babies… enjoyed the poem

  33. PS omigod that is the cutest kid ever.

  34. looks like your penis helped set the general tone with this one.

  35. I am constantly amazed at how multifaceted your talent is.

  36. Thank you for this…I needed a laugh today! 🙂

  37. I love babies; I hate mommies. I try not to hold it against babies that their mommies act as if they are the first women ever to give birth and that the very act is monumental. Or that strollers automatically deserve the right of way. Or that their yowling brats really aren’t bothering anyone in the restaurant. *My* children, of course, were perfect in every way. (Not really–I just didn’t take them out until they were.) Oh, and Neil–I spell it “yucky” as well. With a slangy, onomatopoetic term like that,I think you can pretty much improvise!

  38. LOL, I guess that last line explains everything.

  39. Do you live near the Stepford Wives or something? They didn’t like this? Whew! Glad that’s not my planet, because I laughed so hard at this. Can’t count how many peeople I’ve disturbed by telling them that all newborns– my own included — look as ugly as E.T. Ah, but nothing is sweeter than a SLEEPING baby. It’s when they’re quiet! And you get over the cute crap as soon as they wake up!

  40. Unless it’s a Bernard, and not Beatrice, I have one word for those parents:

    Perverts.

  41. I don’t what your neighbors were thinking – everyone loves a baby-hater.

  42. I’m sussing you out the more I read of your blog and I have to say one thing:-
    TIT ENVY! Am I right and can you make it the subject of your next post please?
    Thank you for your comments on my babblings
    Rachh

  43. You wrote that? And you hate poetry? I love this poem.

  44. Excellente! I can’t write poetry either..I love babies more than mommies!

  45. MrsMogul — Oops, of course your new baby is absolutely adorable. Really.

  46. Neil I can top you, not only was I not breastfed but my eight (count them–eight!) siblings were. Don’t get me started.

    Sorry, I loved my babies and they were ADORABLE!!! But, so is your poem.

  47. I could tell where this was going from the start.

  48. LMAO…Excellent job! You made my day 🙂

  49. I’ve been shy about posting a comment until now. You seem to be one of those rock-star bloggers who always get tons and tons of comments, so I figure mine will be lost in the shuffle.

    But at any rate, this has been eating away at me…is there any particular reason that the title says “Everyone” but the first line of the poem says “Everybody”?

  50. Thanks, Teahouse. I fixed the error. And please don’t be shy here. We can be rock stars together, like Hall and Oates.

  51. Thanks for the enlightnment about Baby Ruth! lol! I really was picturing an ugly snotty baby! lol!

    Fitèna

  52. Non-Highlighted Heather

    June 2, 2006 at 7:12 am

    Rock star bloggers??? Dear god, I think I just heard Neil’s head go kaboom.

  53. You’re right, everyone does love a baby. Suckas, all of us!

    ps. Chag Sameach!

  54. I love it! I almost left this blog when the first thing I saw was a baby in Yankees gear, but I’m glad I gave it a chance anyway.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  55. First old people having sex, now you’re slamming babies. I think you might want to consider some therapy. And drugs. Lots of drugs.

  56. The best thing about babies, is that they grow into surly teenagers…Oh wait. That’s the worst thing about babies. The best thing about babies, is that other people are having them.

    I’ll have to think harder about what might be the best thing about surly teenagers. Maybe later, when I have more perspective.

  57. The mix of photo and poem works beautifully. And gives me more reasons to not have kids.

  58. I feel so much better about not giving birth. Thank you, Neil. Thank you.

  59. Excellent stuff that man. You’re a genius squire.

  60. And you told me you didn’t pray.
    I prayed for the overpriced stroller
    To hit a rock and flip.

    Hey thanks for stopping by my blog, all my friends are asking “who is this neil?”

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