How can there be hate in this world when there is music, hot babes in elevators, and cool unshaven singers walking the streets in music videos?

Sucaria — Sexy song by Israeli Pop Star Roni “Superstar” Duani

Algerian Rocker Rachid Taha singing “Rock the Casbah” in Arabic

(for Secret Agent Josephine)

“Where Do You Go to Go Away” by Gale Garnett

Ever since I was a teenager, I listened to music when I was feeling down.  Remember my obsession with ABBA a few months ago?   Sometimes, I’m in the mood for some hard rock to lift me out of the doldrums, and sometimes I just look for the most depressing song possible in order to feel MORE miserable.  Once you hit bottom, you can laugh, and start your way up the ladder again.

Do any of you have any really depressing songs that you just LOVE?  Songs about broken hearts, suicides, and cars going off the edges of mountains? 

For my money, this old song (Blue Magic’s Side Show (1974)) is one of the saddest love songs I’ve ever heard.  It also makes me think about how we post about our lives on blogs for others to read — like a sideshow.   Read the downer lyrics!  

Hurry, hurry, step right up
See the side show in town for only fifty cents

So let the sideshow begin (hurry, hurry)
Hurry, hurry, step right on in
Can’t afford to pass it by
Guaranteed to make you cry

Fortunately, after I listened to the song a few times, it made me laugh hysterically.  Who the hell sits down and writes such a depressing song?! 

Remember to vote for me for “The Best Humor Blog” in the Blogger Awards!

Merry Christmas!

Neilochka: Help me, I’m Jewish! Why am I on this weird guy’s lap?

Santa Claus: Now listen very carefully, young Jewish Neilochka. One day, you will have a “blog.” I know you don’t know what that means right now. But you will. Right before Christmas, you should have a Holiday Concert right ON THE BLOG. Take my word for it. Chicks REALLY dig guys who throw Holiday concerts!

Have a wonderful day filled with love and joy. No Christmas is complete with music. So, if you haven’t checked it out yet, why not listen (or listen again) to some of your blogging friends creating some special Holiday memories?!

The 2007 Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert

Have a wonderful Christmas day. Good health and happiness to your families. See you at the movies, fellow Jews!

Logo Design by Vanessa of the Butterfly Blog (get an array of concert buttons for your site at her blog)

THE CONCERT PROGRAM

Were You There on Christmas Night?
sung by Lizardek (”the Swedish Celine Dion”) with Sharon Johns

Sleigh Ride
sung by Heather (”Broadway Baby”) of OMSH

Mele Kalikimaka
sung by Kerflop (”The Virtual Hawaiian Honey”)

Have Yourself a Very Merry Little Christmas
sung by the — Greeblemonkey and Ms. Sizzle (”the Simon and Garfunkel of Christmas”)

The Man with the Bag
by Vanessa “the Fourth Andrews Sister” of the Butterfly Blog (not her real talking voice!… she wants you to know)

Silent Night
by Erin (”Vivacious Voice”) Villanovababy (and hubby Tim Cooper on guitar)

Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah
sung by Sophia, (”Hot and Spicy Songstress”)

Coventry Carol
sung by NFH “The Minnesota Mantovani” from This Journey

Everyboy Got Pissed At the Party (a little adult)
sung by Whit “Rapper Whiteboy” of Honea Express

I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm
sung by “Ukelele Pam” of Nerd’s Eye View

Vermont Snow (an original song)
sung by MapleMama “Green Mountain Diva”

The Christmas Song
sung by Bec (”The British Barbra”) of Out of My Tree

Light Up (Himmelman/Broza)
by Psychotoddler (”Jewish Doctor Feelgood”)

INTERMISSION

Carol of the Bells
by Merry Mishaps (”They Call Me Merry”)

Mi Yimalel
sung by Danny (”Wilco’s Secret Band Member”) of Jew Eat Yet

Ner Li (Hanukkah)
by Otir (”the Female Jacques Brel”) of Un Jour a La Fois

I’m Dreamin’ of a White Trash Christmas
by AKA Monty (”Let’s Make a Deal”) of The Daily Bitch

O Little Town of Bethlehem
sung by Hilly (”The Hills Are Alive”) of Snackie’s World

Mon Beau Sapin (Christmas)
by Otir (”the Female Jacques Brel”) of Un Jour a La Fois

Baby, it’s Cold Outside
sung by Ms. Sizzle (”Ms. Claus”) and her special Santa

Te Harinui (a New Zealand Christmas song)
by Dee (”The Diana Ross of Down Under”) of Singular Scene

Hanukiah Li Yesh
sung by Tamar ( “the Philly Sound”) of Mining Nuggets

Christmastime is Here
sung by Angela “Jazz Hands” of Fluidpudding

“Light Up”
with Psychotoddler in a live concert version

Love
from Kyran Pittman (”The Poetess of Song”) from Notes to Self

I’ll Be Home for Christmas
sung by Saviabella (”the Sweetheart of Saskatchewan”)

… and a special performance by Sophia (”Hot and Spicy Songstress”), who sings…

Flicker Wicker,
a new Hanukkah song she wrote especially for this concert, done to the tune of ABBA’s Super Trouper. (You know how much I love ABBA.)

Sophia

Christmas photo by Whit

Christmas photo by Greeblemonkey and Ms. Sizzle

Christmas photo by Erin and Tim

Winter Wonderland photo by Vanessa

Christmas photo by Mckay

Christmas photo by Dutch Blitz

Hanukkah photo by Tamara Eden

Christmas photo by Whoorl

Christmas photo by Jennifer of Open Book

Christmas photo by Laurel

Hanukkah photo by Letter B

Creative Advent Calendar photo by Kerflop

Christmas photo by Assertagirl

Christmas photo by Cici.

Christmas photo by Alissa and Evan

Christmas photo by Gorilllabuns

Christmas photo by Jill of GlossyVeneer

Holiday photos by Shash

Happy Holidays! The Christmahanukwanzaakah Holiday concert will be re-broadcast on Christmas Day, so feel free to send me any new material if you missed today’s deadline, whether it be audio, video or Holiday photos.

Relive the memories! — The 2006 Christmahanukwanzaakah Holiday Concert

If you love music, you should play hooky from work tomorrow and come listen to bloggers sing and play Holiday songs. 

I can’t believe how talented some of you are!   Why are you wasting your time BLOGGING?

“Sing a Christmahanukwanzaakah Song,” recorded by Neilochka (mp3)

Sing, sing a song
Sing out loud
Sing out strong
Sing of dreidels and snow
Sing of Santa and mistletoe

Sing, sing a song
If you’re a blogger
You definitely belong
Don’t worry that you don’t know the words
To Frosty the Snowman well

Just sing
Sing a song

La la la la la… it’s Christmahanukwanzaakah!

It is now time to raise our voices in song again in this new holiday tradition. Hanukkah songs about miracles. Christmas songs about faith. Winter songs about the beauty of the season. Kwanzaa songs about new traditions. It is the 2007 Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert, right here on Citizen of the Month on Monday, December 10th (with a re-broadcast on Christmas Day). The concert is for YOU and by YOU — and this year will be bigger and better than last year.

If you want to participate, just say so in the comments or email me ASAP. Please try to tell me what song you want to sing, so we don’t have five people all performing “The Little Drummer Boy.”

1) You can send me either an audio file or a video.

2) You can host it on your own site or send the recording to me directly. If you host it yourself, just send me the URL.

3) A blogger must participate in the performance, not just your kid dressed as a snow angel. It must be YOU and your kid singing together, or YOU playing the guitar as backup.

4) I must receive the final song by December 9 for the concert on December 10th. This gives you two weeks to record it.

5) If you have any question on how to record a song, just email me. It is very easy to do using your computer.

6) Have fun! You don’t need to sing perfectly!

7) If you are too much of a wimp to sing, send in a photo of your Christmas tree, Hannukah menorah, snowmen, or your family all dressed up in their Holiday best — we’ll use it to decorate “the set.”

And remember, on November 30 - December 2, the weekend before the concert, there will be the Blogger Holiday Online Arts and Crafts Fair , also hosted here. Come and find some cool Holiday gift ideas, made by bloggers themselves. If you sell your artwork or crafts, and you want to participate as a “vendor,” email me at neilochka at yahoo dot com.

I enjoy Beethoven, Mozart, and Bartok, but there is some classical music that knocks me out faster than a twelve pack of codeine. Like Schubert. I wasn’t pleased to go the Philharmonic this weekend and see his infamous name in the program: Mr. Sandman himself, Franz Peter Schubert.

“Well, no problem,” I said to myself as we entered the symphony hall. “Since I’m such a cheapskate, I got tickets in Row X of the orchestra, so no one will even notice when I’m snoring and drooling all over the button-down shirt Sophia bought me at Ross Dress-for-Less.”

Unfortunately, Sophia had plans of her own. Yes, I’ve mentioned this several hundred times on this very blog: Sophia does not like sitting in the crappy seats I buy.

“It’s going to be half empty,” she said. “Let’s wait in the back until five minutes before the performance, and then take some empty seats near the front.”

“But it’s Schubert!” I protested. Why didn’t you tell me they were playing Schubert?!”

“Don’t worry. I’ll kick you in the shin if you snore.”

We had ten minutes to kill before the concert. An attractive blond stood next to us in the back of the auditorium. She had the same idea as we did — to wait for better seats. Sophia struck up a conversation with her, seeing that they were soulmates. The woman turned out to be the newly-married wife of one of the symphony’s cellists, and her seat was at the end of row S, giving her a mere glimpse of her beloved husband’s back.  She wanted to see the expression on his face as he played.  How romantic.

When Sophia noticed the ushers closing the doors, we picked out two center seats with our eyes, then grabbed them greedily.  Finders Keepers.  I’m much better at switching seats than I was when I first met Sophia. I used to be terribly anxious about doing this, fearful that the real ticket-holders will come in late and make an angry scene, the performance would end abruptly, the conductor would walk out in protest, a spotlight would shine on me, and then the disgusted mob would belt me with opera glasses.  However, after ten years of the “real” ticket-holders NEVER showing up, I’ve grown into a hardened criminal.  I’m only anxious for the first five minutes of our stealing the seats, rather than the rest of the week.

Today my anxiety was not about the seats.  It would come from another source.  You see, there wasn’t just two open seats in this row. There were THREE.  As I settled in my seat, the cellist’s wife slid right next to me. The cellist’s wife!

“Oh no,” I thought. “How can I fall asleep during Schubert when one of the orchestra member’s WIVES was sitting next to me.  It would be as if I’m insulting his musical talent!”

“This is his first performance with the orchestra,” she told Sophia.

Ugh.  Sophia kicked me… and I wasn’t even sleeping yet.

I don’t remember who the first piece was by, but it was sufficiently bombastic to keep me awake.  I never have problems with musical pieces about cannon fire, like the 1812 Overture.

Then, there was a hush over the land.  The condutor lifted his baton, and the orchestra started to play Schubert, the early 18th Century’s equivalent of John Tesh.  I could feel my eyes start to close.

(sidenote - I promised myself that I wasn’t going to write about sex this week, since I went a little overboard last week, but I’m going to break that promise.  You’ll see where I’m going in a second)

Men, remember when you were first starting have sex? And just seeing a bra strap was enough to send you over the edge, and the girl would be all disappointed because you lasted about three seconds? And your friend who knew everything from reading his father’s Penthouse magazines told you to think about something boring, like Geometry, while you were with a girl, so then you can last three hours, like the guys do in those sex movies that you used to try to watch, even though they were scrambled on your parents’ cable?

I thought about the good ol’ days while I was sitting there listening to Schubert. It was so boring and my eyes were closing. I just didn’t want to hurt this woman’s feeling.  Disappointing a woman in sex is one thing, but to make her feel bad about her husband’s cello playing — that’s just cruel.  I would distract myself like I had done so many times before, not to keep the love going, but to keep myself awake!  I tried to remember some Geometry.  I stepped on my own foot.  I tried writing a blog post in my head.  I pushed my thumbnail into my arm.  I bit my tongue.  I even thought of poking myself in the eyes. When the Schubert was over, I patted myself on the back, proud of my restraint and accomplishment.

It was then when Sophia woke me up, shaking her head in embarrassment, telling me that it was time for intermission. I  noticed that the cellist’s wife had just darted off, not saying good-bye.  Apparently, my head was bobbing up and down during the whole piece, the snoring only beginning during the cello solos.

The cellist’s wife sat elsewhere for the rest of the concert.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: “If I Did It,” by John Wilkes Booth

Dear Michael,

Last night, on Dancing with the Stars, the final dance was a ridiculous group number to the classic song, Rockin’ Robin.   This song has been around forever, and has been released by several different artists, but without a doubt, my favorite version is yours, back from the early days. It captures your youthful energy, years before you became the King of Pop.   You were a star, even as a child.   And what an amazing child you were!   What talent.   I actually remember the days of the Jacksons, and those white spacesuits you would wear in your TV specials.

After “Dancing with the Stars,” I thought about you.   I watched a couple of your old videos on YouTube.   I love the Afro from the seventies! Everyone knew you were a brilliant singer and dancer back then, but no one expected your fame to shoot through the roof in the eighties.   I can’t think of any musical career like yours.   Is there anyone anywhere in the world who has never danced to a song on “Thriller?” (My favorite album is still “Off the Wall”)

I remember once being in Thailand, being driven in a tuk-tuk by a driver playing “Billie Jean” on the radio.

You were a role model to me, a symbol of a what could happen when you are talented.   You took your childhood talent and ran with it, eventually reaching the pinnacle of fame. You were the King of Pop!

And then you just went bonkers.   You seemed miserable.   You became the butt of jokes.   All my life, I was under the illusion that artistic success, fame, and fortune were the goals of life — and this would bring happiness to the one who attains it.   What went wrong with you?   Why were you fooling around with your face so much?   Who cares if you are gay/straight?   Didn’t anyone tell you that your obsession with young boys was unhealthy?   If I can find a good therapist in Los Angeles, couldn’t you?   It should have been as easy for you as… like your own song goes… ABC.

I hope you get your act together.   Maybe one day, you can go on tour again, maybe a couple of weeks in Las Vegas.   It would be a sellout.   I would go, unless it is really really expensive.   If so, I would just watch it on HBO a few months later.

If you don’t want to heal yourself for yourself, do it for me.   It makes me feel sad to think that you’re miserable.   If the King of Pop can’t be happy with everything he has, what hope is there for any of us?!

Have a fun weekend!

Secret Agent Josephine’s dog goes on the wall next to the artwork by Margaret and Stepping Over Junk, and others — and the photos by Finn and Ms. Mamma. Thanks, Paris Parfait, for that cool old French postcard! Sophia and I loved it.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Mommy Bloggest