the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Masculin, Féminin


(how I visualize myself as a woman)

I’ve given a lot of thought about masculinity and femininity in the last few days, since I first mentioned this idea for “Write Like the Opposite Sex” Day.  This week — my blog, my therapy, my marriage, and my sex life all converged at a point somewhere in my brain. 

I’ve come to a definite decision about something.  I am a man.  I’m a man despite being pegged as a “female writer” by the Gender Genie (thanks Schmutzie).  That’s right.  I’m a man and I’m proud.   Even when I watch “All My Children,” I watch it like a man.  Sophia and I watch it completely differently.  I pay attention to the ridiculous plot.  Sophia notices that “Kendall is anorexic.” 

I’m honored that so many women choose to read this blog, but I’m not really sure I would ever want to be one of you.  Sure, it would be nice to be allowed to speak at BlogHer, but who the hell needs it?! 

I like being a man.

Men, we’re the lucky ones!  Sure, the women can have babies and be all “nurturing,”  but WE have our penises, and they can’t take that away from us.  I guess they can try to take them away, either physically or emotionally, but when I say penises, I don’t just mean our large and strong c*cks.  I mean the penises in our hearts.  The ones that makes us MEN.  You know what I’m talking about.   The woman NEVER will.

That said, I would make one helluva woman.  Just like the Michael Dorsey character in Tootsie.  If you are a male reader, do you think you would be a good woman?

If I were a woman, I have no doubt that every male reading this right now would be killing himself to get to know me.  You would totally want me.  I would be such a sexy woman.  I would show cleavage, but not too much.  I would know exactly when you are looking at my ass.  I would surprise you with my off-the-cuff remarks.  I would be funnier than you are.  You would say to yourself, “I have never met such a f**king amazing woman in all my entire life.  She’s as cool as a MAN, but he’s a woman!”

Sure, I know I sound like the ideal woman to you.  But don’t waste your time thinking about it.   If I were a woman, I would not go out with any losers like you!   Bloggers – heh.  A waste of my feminine time.  A woman like me deserves better.  I expect better.  I mean,  I can hang out and bullshit, and be one of the guys, but I also want to be treated like a princess.

And don’t try to use any two-for-one dinner coupons at the Olive Garden with me, you cheap assholes.

The plan is still the same for Friday — Write as the Opposite Sex Day.

28 Comments

  1. Backpacking Dad

    I would make an awesome woman. I’m already pretty.

  2. Dagny

    Men became the lucky ones by pure brute strength after they became jealous over women’s ability to give birth. How else does one explain the matriarchal societies around the globe? (And the last time I checked, Judaism is matriarchal. Meaning while the men think that they are in charge, it is really the women who are so. And now that I have finished over-simplifying stuff, I will move on.)

    That opposite gender thing? I think I would be Brad Pitt. As his co-star from the Ocean’s movies, Bernie Mac, said, “Brad is just too pretty for words.” Or it was something like that. So I would be the pretty boy fighting for certain benefits to all. Didn’t you notice my last trip to New Orleans? You didn’t? Oh. You were too busy looking at Angelina’s boobs.

  3. Kathy

    Re: The Gender Genie
    I’m a man 4 out of 5 blog posts. (I must have been PMS’ing during that 5th post.) I didn’t try it with fiction, but I always thought I wrote like a bad Nick Hornby impersonator.

  4. better safe than sorry

    nice boots!

  5. V-Grrrl

    I love your boots, hot stuff.

    If I were a man, I’d want to be Bruce Springsteen but I’d probably turn out more like John Mayer…

  6. brettdl

    I could never be a woman because it would involve shaving my legs, arms, chest and face twice a day.

  7. brettdl

    Oh, and my back, too.

  8. teahouseblossom

    I don’t think I’d make a good man. I’d always be too obsessed with maintaining my girlish figure.

  9. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

    I think I’d be a better man. Sure I’m nurturing and I cry a lot, but I like football and beer. I think farts are funny. I watch ESPN for fun. I don’t understand the appeal of “Sex and the City”. I say lots of bad words. IF I had to choose between shopping and a hockey game I’d go to the game.

    Also – I loathe periods. I’ve been getting mine for 23 years and I am still grossed out every month.

  10. People in the Sun

    Oh no, you’re a man? So what am I doing here wasting my time? I usually just read female bloggers, partly because I suffer from ovary-envy, and partly because I’m a perv. I’ve wasted my life away on this blog!!!

  11. iamthediva

    Oh Neil, the woman you described is me! I didn’t know you wanted to be me, but i’m totally flattered. YEEAOOW!!

  12. turnbaby

    “””I would be such a sexy woman. I would show cleavage, but not too much. I would know exactly when you are looking at my ass. I would surprise you with my off-the-cuff remarks. I would be funnier than you are. You would say to yourself, “I have never met such a f**king amazing woman in all my entire life. She’s as cool as a MAN, but he’s a woman!”””

    So you would be me, sugar;-)

  13. Brandon

    If I were a woman, I’d never leave the house. I’d just stay at home and play with myself all day long.

    Wait, that’s not that far off from what I do now as a man.

  14. Neil

    Backpacking — Said just like a man. Being an awesome woman is more than being pretty. It is the attitude.

    Dagny — Would you really want to be Brad Pitt? Is he that interesting?

    Better Safe/V-grrrl – Thanks. You won’t believe this, but I got the boots at Payless.

    Kathy/Sarah — Since you both make such good men, I think we should date in our next lives when we are all different genders.

    Brett — That is the downside to being a woman. The maintenance.

    Teahouse — You would be a gay man.

    People in the Sun — I see we have similar blog reading formulas — “just read the hot chicks.”

    Turnbaby — You do seem very sexy. But I know someone like you would never stoop so low to go out with a measly blogger.

    Brandon — Woman are not like men. They do not just sit at home all day and play with themselves. They split their days into thirds. 1/3 — play with themselves. 1/3 — eat ice cream because they are depressed. 1/3 — feel guilty about eating the ice cream and worry about getting fat, so the play with themselves again (while watching Gossip Girl) so they can feel better.

  15. Finn

    If you were a chick, I’d consider bisexuality.

  16. churlita

    So, what you’re saying is, if you were a woman, you wouldn’t date yourself as a man?

  17. Linsey

    Maybe you should try something akin to the plot in Robert Heinlin’s novel I Will Fear No Evil. This could solve all your problems.

  18. Sarah

    That was hilarious! That Gender Genie is pretty interesting. I had to try it, and was not at all surprised when it said I was a male writer. I put in a post of just over 800 words.
    I’m the man women say they want, but pass by for the asshole with the big shoulders. 😉

  19. John

    A sophisticated, yet kinky looking, hooker, huh? I think I like that. And just how much cleavage do you have to show? Do you have tits Neil? That’s the real issue here.

  20. sizzle

    I once had a therapist who said I thought like a man. I was like, WHA?! But when it comes to relationships, sometimes I am more guy than girl. What’s with all this “talking” and “processing”? Can’t we just have sex?

  21. Non-Highlighted Heather

    I’ve always been far more comfortable in the company of men than women. My best friends have typically be men. On the inside, I feel more like man and I know I talk a lot more like a man than a woman. Maybe that’s part of being chick whose door swings both ways, my psyche can’t decide what I am. I like watching porn, but I also like talking about where the relationship is going. My idea of conflict resolution is putting you in a half nelson and then forgetting about it, but I also cry at lame, sappy commercials.

    And I confess that I’ve always had some level of penis envy. But I guess that’s why God invented strap ons.

  22. HeyJoe

    I’d fuck you six ways to Sunday and then wipe my dick on your curtains. And you’d STILL get up and make me breakfast.

    I’m sorry honey, I didn’t mean that. Want to cuddle?

  23. Neil

    Finn — For some reason, thinking about girl on girl action, with me being one of the girls is very hot.

    Churlita — Hell no! I would never date me.

    Linsey — That really sounds like a good book. Have you read it?

    Sarah — If I were a woman, I would totally go for you as the man.

    John — I don’t have big tits. But I have very nice nipples.

    Sizzle — No offense, but I don’t see you as a man. I think all that testosterone would make you a womanizer.

    Heather — Sorry. The strap-on will never be the same. You will never feel the joy of peeing from a distance.

    HeyJoe — Yeah right. If I were your woman, you would be so pussywhipped, you’d be making me breakfast and sewing me curtains.

  24. Avitable

    Apparently I’m a woman, too, according to that Gender Genie.

  25. Ginormous Boobs

    Hey, you are a pretty hot friggin lady. Wear the glasses if you ever decide to go that route.

  26. gorillabuns

    I’m aggressive like a man and at times, it’s a pain in the ass to my husband.

  27. HeyJoe

    you’re right.

    see you at Blogher?

  28. Jane

    If you were a woman, you’d make a good lesbian.

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