I’ve given a lot of thought about masculinity and femininity in the last few days, since I first mentioned this idea for “Write Like the Opposite Sex” Day.Â Â This week — my blog, my therapy, my marriage, and my sex life all converged at a point somewhere in my brain.Â
I’ve come to a definite decision about something.Â I am a man.Â I’m a man despite being pegged as a “female writer” by the Gender Genie (thanks Schmutzie).Â That’s right.Â I’m a man and I’m proud.Â Â Even when I watch “All My Children,” I watch it like a man.Â Sophia and I watch it completely differently.Â I pay attention to the ridiculous plot.Â Sophia notices that “Kendall is anorexic.”Â
I’m honored that so many women choose to read this blog, but I’m not really sure I would ever want to be one of you.Â Sure, it would be nice to be allowed to speak at BlogHer, but who the hell needs it?!Â
I like being a man.
Men, we’re the lucky ones!Â Sure, the womenÂ can have babies and be all “nurturing,”Â but WE haveÂ our penises, and they can’t take that away from us.Â I guess they can try to take them away, either physically or emotionally, but when I say penises, I don’t just mean our large and strong c*cks.Â I mean the penises in our hearts.Â The ones that makes us MEN.Â You know what I’m talking about.Â Â The womanÂ NEVER will.
That said, I would make one helluva woman.Â Just like the Michael Dorsey character in Tootsie.Â If you are a male reader, do you think you would be a good woman?
If I were a woman, I have no doubt that every male reading this right now would be killingÂ himself to get to know me.Â You would totally want me.Â I would be such a sexy woman.Â I would show cleavage, but not too much.Â I would know exactly when you are looking at my ass.Â I would surprise you with my off-the-cuff remarks.Â I would be funnier than you are.Â You would say to yourself, “I have never met such a f**king amazing woman in all my entire life.Â She’s as cool as a MAN, but he’s a woman!”
Sure, I know I sound like the ideal woman to you.Â ButÂ don’t waste your time thinking about it.Â Â If I were a woman, I would not go out with any losers like you!Â Â Bloggers – heh.Â A waste of my feminine time.Â A woman like me deserves better.Â I expect better.Â I mean, Â I can hang out and bullshit, and be one of the guys, but I also want to be treated like a princess.
And don’t try to use any two-for-one dinner coupons at the Olive Garden with me, you cheap assholes.
The planÂ isÂ still the same for FridayÂ — Write as the Opposite Sex Day.