the writing and photography of Neil Kramer


(Typography pin-up girl by Taylor Lane)

Queen of Spain wrote a provocative piece today dispensing tips to women on giving oral sex to their men.  This is probably one of the most important issues in the world today, because I feel that if there was more oral sex in the world, there would be world peace.

As a prominent male blogger, I thought it was important to take a page from Erin’s book, and give my MALE readers important tips on pleasing a woman orally. 

Men have the harder job.  Women are built differently.  They are more complex.  The interesting stuff isn’t just hanging there, in full view.  That’s why, if a man can learn to please his woman orally, she will do ANYTHING FOR YOU.  The trouble is that most men do not have a clue on how to bring their woman to the point of no return, exclusively through oral technique.  Not every man has the experience and patience that I do in making his woman scream for more.

Neilochka’s Three Rules for Pleasing Her Orally

1)  Take a Shower

2)  Brush your Teeth

3)  Take her to the Cheesecake Factory and let her order the White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake.  It’s a whole less time-consuming pleasing her orally this way than spending all night with your face between her thighs   This way, it’s a guaranteed success!   Women absolutely love cake!  They appreciate it more when it is your suggestion to order the cake because it tells the woman that she looks perfect the way she is, and that you are not worried about her gaining weight.  That is a major turn-on.  You might even get a blow-job on the way home, and then you can just spend the rest of the night watching reruns of the Simpsons on TV.  Well, not me.  But maybe you.  

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  I Don’t Understand Women  (Nothing has changed!)


  1. sizzle

    great! now i really want some cheesecake.

  2. Violet the Verbose


  3. Melissavina

    Wow, that Sophia is one lucky lady.
    You really do have some insight that most men do not. You suggest the dessert?? Holla!! That would get me ready for lovin’ for sure.

  4. Bre

    I hate to argue, really, but sometimes it takes cake and oral.

  5. Queen of Spain

    Yeah. I want the cake AND oral. God, we women are soooo demanding.

  6. MammaLoves

    It’s a good thing more guys don’t know understand the finer points of providing oral sex. We would seriously go back to being your slaves.

  7. Karen Rani

    Fuck the cake! I want my pussy licked!

  8. nabbalicious

    Cake or oral…put your hands together! I think that would pretty much be the best day ever.

  9. Ash

    Oh Neil, you have what I’ve been missing. Cheesecake! 😉

  10. lizardek

    You mean we can’t have our cake and be eaten, too?

  11. OMSH

    First, am I the only one that has noticed the cake looks very … um … much like … a man who has just been pleasured orally?

    I’m just sayin’.

    Oh, and cheesecake does not even come close. NOT.EVEN.

  12. butterfly

    LOL! What about sploshing? Bringing the 2 activities together?? There may not be a big “O” in the end, but I bet you’ll laugh a lot!

  13. Inarticulate Fumblings

    Maybe I’m mistaken (and there is a good chance that this gay boy has no idea what he’s talking about when it comes to women)… but let me just hazard a guess that it is going to take a whole lot more effort (thinking about your tongue here) from your mouth than just using it to order cheesecake in order to satisfy a woman… just a thought.

  14. Jack

    Chocolate offers all sorts of interesting possibilities.

  15. mrsmogul

    NUMBER three cracked me up. I will tell you this. This summer when my in-laws came to visit we took them to Cheesecake Factory and no one got blow jobs or oral sex or anything sexual after our cake meals because the cakes there were disappointing. We gained calories and grumpiness no orgasms! SOB!!

  16. better safe than sorry

    if you want to please me orally it is going to involve chocolate and caramel, that’s my winning combination. and why are there bananas in that pic and not raspberries? are bananas more suggestive than raspberries? i do agree with one thing, you still don’t understand women.

  17. gorillabuns

    if i eat cheesecake, i’m too bloated to want anything afterwards.

  18. Not Fainthearted

    count me in the with the crowd who wants it all.

    And to talk and cuddle afterwards {evil grin}

  19. plain jane


  20. V-Grrrl

    Lizardek, you rock the comments section with the line: “You mean we can’t have our cake and be eaten too?”

    And Neil, this is one of your best. YOu’ve got such a sexy brain. : )

  21. di

    We almost died laughing here … thank you.

  22. ren.kat

    . . . and they say women are good at distraction. Sex after cheesecake? You all must have mice metabolisms. Cheesecake is the fairy dust that puts me out for a day.

  23. Fitèna

    I CANT STOp LAUGHING!!!! lol!!!! Soooo Sexy!!!!!


  24. ashbloem

    How wise you are in the ways of woman!

  25. Jen

    Cake will work for me!! But I want a bit of the other oral stimulation as well if I may.

  26. churlita

    I guess men are right, women really do always want more. What’s so wrong with that, though?

  27. melanie

    without bananas. I am all over this idea. and yea… reciprocation is key. 😉

  28. GraceD

    Clit, not cake. That’s what I say.

  29. wendy

    I found a bakery in Berkeley that I adored..and BROGHT HOME A WHOLE DAMNED CAKE. Thats right I’m insatiable…Yummy!

  30. Nance

    I hate to be picky, but that is SO not the White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. This is.

  31. laura

    well played, Neil….

    somehow i doubt if b-rad said to me: “how about a nice blow-jay” and i presented him with cheesecake it would go over very well, which is what would happen to him for the rest of his life if he ever presented ME with cheesecake instead of Mr. B-rad’s Wild Mustache Ride.

  32. Liz

    Interesting post and I admire your technique – of course, I can whip up a wicked cheesecake!

  33. Neil

    Nance — I was looking for that photo!

  34. teahouseblossom

    Yeah, I have a friend who never eats cheesecake because it gives her gas.

    Not a good prelude for having her date go down there, I guess.

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