the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Good Advice


Thank you for telling me that I should use a better photo for selling myself on that blogger auction.   I love to hear the truth.   I should learn to be as honest as you guys. 

Ellen of LA is My Beat was the first —

Yikes, Neil! THAT photo does NOT do you justice. You are so much more attractive than THAT PHOTO! You’ve pushed up your cheeks, so they look jowly, the light is that greenish-yellow fluorescent icky color, bleah. My husband, Mr. Larry, is a professional photographer and the one thing I’ve learned in our 15 years of marriage is how to pose for photos!!! PULEEZE, take a photo in outdoor light where you’re not squinting into the sun. Relax, smile, make sure the camera is slightly higher than your face (this eliminates any double chin action). If you need to “photoshop” anything, just add a little brightness. The bright lights eliminate any wrinkles or shadows on your face. Have you noticed how great Barbara Walters looks in-studio vs. in a street photo? Lighting is everything!!! Good luck!

Laurie of Crazy Aunt Purl also had some good advice —

Ellen has the TRUTH, my friend. I always have someone stand on a chair to photograph me.

Tonight, I dragged Sophia out of her sick bed to take some photos of me, using some of the special techniques I learned from you today.  I told Sophia that Ellen and Laurie were very bright people, and Sophia stood on a chair and responded, “Anything to make your female readers happy, Neilochka.”


A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Just a Little Trim


  1. V-Grrrl

    Middle-aged guy WITH hair. Yum, yum.

    (I’m easy, babe, I’m easy).

  2. deezee

    You nailed it. Now get out there and start dating!

  3. LisaBinDaCity

    I’m not a fan of dating separated guys. Too much unfinished business…

  4. Megan

    I think I have crush on Sophia…

  5. Dating Dummy

    I think it worked Neil! The lighting is much better. And you can’t even see the chin anymore.

  6. Neil

    V-grrrl – MIDDLE-AGED guy with hair. Jeez, maybe I should start coloring that hair.

    Lisa B – I think dating a separated man is good. For example, when he calls out another woman’s name during sex, at least you know who that woman is.

    Dating Dummy – The smart thing would be to use YOUR photo.  How are those abs?  Thank god you are taken by Modigli so I don’t have to compete with you.

  7. V-Grrrl

    And Neil, so what’s wrong with MIDDLE-AGED? Hmmm? HMMMMM? Just WONDERING you know.

    Nice readers, by the way. Yum, yum.

  8. chloe

    Neil, my personal favourite photo of yours is the one on your flickr id. You look smashing.

  9. Non-Highlighted Heather

    You might want to think about ditching the pink shirt, nancy boy.

  10. Alison

    Oh my God. You crack me up.

  11. Neil

    It’s burgundy and it is my favorite shirt! I’ve had it for 15 years.

  12. Bice

    As was mentioned in a previous comment a middle-aged man with a full head of hair is a strong selling point. It leaves the ladies thinking, “If his hair is holding up maybe the rest of him is as well.” There may be hope for Neil’s penis yet in this deal.

  13. wendy

    How old are you Neil?….I don’t think you have ever revealed that juicy tid bit….

    Have Sopia get a little closer..the back round is distracting…The angles depend on your angles…have her try lots of different ones…Try closing your eyes, thinking..Pleasing thoughts, then open them as if they are right there in front of you. Tell yourself a dry little inside joke…think a wicked thought…

  14. Sophia

    Um, Bice, according to medical research, the man with the most testosterone will lose his hair the fastest, so I always advise my female friends to look for the bald guy.

  15. ElizaF

    So what happened next, did the rodent in the first photo bite you cos it looks like it is eyeing you up to take a bit flesh coloured lump out of your digits…..

  16. Jurgen Nation


    I have to investigate what you’re doing this for, but I love the picture. I especially love that you appear to be contorting your lips in some sort of animalistic growl. (RAWR! Or something like that.)

  17. Jurgen Nation

    Also? I notice you don’t have dandruff. Nicely played, my friend.

  18. Tatyana

    It’s PINK, my friend.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  19. Ellen Bloom

    Ha! Excellent job, Sophia! See? Don’t you look attractive when the camera is above you? Do you streak your hair, Neil? It looks quite glamorous. Best of luck with the auction!

  20. teahouseblossom

    Yes, nice full head of hair!! You are hottttt!!

  21. Neil

    Jurgen — I so wish that was an animalistic growl, but it is the collar of my burgundy shirt.

  22. Neil

    Also, since you mention dandruff — have you notice in commercials they now say “flakes and itch” instead of dandruff, as if dandruff is a dirty work and “flakes and itch” doesn’t sound even more unappealing.

  23. Danny

    THANK YOU, Sophia, for your excellent response to all the bashing of bald bloggers that Neil has unleashed, especially the “if the hair is holding up, maybe the rest of him is as well.” I lost my hair in my early 20s–it’s a heriditary condition and does not indicate that the rest of me has gone to hell (even though it sorta has). I guess I’m a little sensitive–when I saw Neil’s new picture, my first thought was “he just wants to show off that full head of hair, damn him!”

  24. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Pink shirt.

  25. Killer

    I agree that you should just take a real picture. You don’t want any false expectaions when the ladies come a calling.

  26. kapgar

    Well, at least you are able to show a photo of your dome. Me? My head glares too brightly in a flash.

  27. Two Roads

    Neil, like the lighter hair color. I don’t really care what color the shirt is. The fact that you state you’ve had it for 15 years is horrifying. Between that and the coat you wore in NYC that was from the 50’s means you are in desparate need of a 21st century makeover. Anyone out there in LA that will volunteer to take Neil shopping and help him select new clothes – please call him ASAP! (I would volunteer but I live in Georgia – so it’s a long commute.)

  28. Aspen

    And I was simply surprised your penis didn’t make a cameo appearance, just because he could. 😉

  29. Churlita

    I’m normally attracted to bald men. I’m not sure if that’s because of the whole implied testosterone thing, or me learning to be okay with what I’m gonna get if I want to date guys my age. But that picture of you, Neil? Makes me rethink things a little.

  30. plain jane

    Two Roads: Maybe you should nominate Neil for “What Not to Wear”

  31. Neil

    Two Roads — Believe me, Sophia has tried her best FOR YEARS.

  32. n

    pink t shirt, neil. and the way lighting has been done – the color reflects on your face and makes it (the face) look very pink too. and on top of it all – blonde hair.
    what a beauty – that picture! 😉

  33. ms. sizzle

    maybe hilary and i need to come over and show you how to do the “heeeyyyy” self-portrait. works every time!

  34. mckay

    if i win neil at the auction i could take him shopping for a makeover.

    i totally get holding on to a favorite shirt for 15 years. my dad had one dress shirt (pink) that he wore for over 20 years when he got dressed up for weddings, funerals and such. i think we buried him in that shirt.

  35. steppingoverthejunk

    You are too funny!!!my favorite picture of myself is kind of from behind my left ear

  36. Bre

    I like how daring you are with color 🙂 Work it!

  37. Laini

    Very funny, Neil! Funny, recently I tried to get someone to take pictures of my shoes and new-skirt, strictly waist-down photos, which they did with a slight overshot, instead of kneeling down. I thought this forshortened my legs and made them look stubby, so. . . I’m admitting this here. . . I stretched my legs in Photoshop. Yes I did. I elongated myself. I cheated! And I’d do it again, too.

  38. sandra

    Sophia should be a photographer…and you, her muse.

  39. Bice

    I’m not bashing bald men Danny. I love me some bald men. I love em so much I’ve got arrested for it in several Southern states.

    Shaving my full head of beautiful, thick hair now as a show of solidarity.

    (p.s., I actually ridicule everything… it’s my blogging mandate)

  40. Celina

    Good Luck on your bidding! I think anyone who reads your blog regularly would LOVE to win you! 🙂 Of course, some of us have hubbies who aren’t as “open” as Sophia…

  41. Mist 1

    I always sell myself to the highest bidder. It’s called dating.

  42. EEK

    Very traditional…it gives the viewer a real sense of what you look like.

  43. margaret

    Is that Sophia’s nightie you’re clutching? Nothing say’s date-me like a picture of a married man’s obscured face, holding his wife’s gown.

  44. Danny

    Oy, I just reread my comment about bald-bashing and Bice’s response and now I worry that I’m sounding as humorless as a Huffington Post commenter. Sorry, I guess I’m just seething with envy at Neil’s mop of thick middle-aged hair! And I like the shirt, too, which doesn’t look like pink to me (but I also envy any man that is confident enough to wear a pink shirt).

  45. deannie

    Loved this photo. You and Sophie kill me! Laurie, is there ANY way you can go over there and HELP them?!? *giggle* best laugh of my weekend. Thank you!

  46. Neil

    Oh, man, Danny that was one cheap trick to mention that you write stuff for the Huffington Post. I would give all my hair to attend one of Arianna’s fancy parties.

  47. Dagny

    Ummm. The shirt may have been burgandy at one point but now it’s pink.

    As for the hair, I have always been a strong supporter of the shaved head. One word. Sexy.

  48. Neil

    How did this post become about bald-headed men?

  49. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Arianna Huffington is actually quite lovely in person, but get a couple of cosmopolitans in her and the accent gets so thick you can hardly understand her.

  50. Karl

    There ya go! Rockin’ hair, dude. How could any woman resist?

  51. Ellen Bloom

    Ha! Love it. Sophia gets the award for photographer of the year! By the way, Neil, are those blonde streaks in your hair? Yum, surfer boy.

  52. mckay


  53. Pants

    I am keeping this in mind for when I decide to give internet dating another try.

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