Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

I’ll Pick You Up at Seven, Lucky Winner

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Beautiful people are lucky. I remember seeing a Dateline episode a few months ago where they did an experiment to show how “beauty” enhances a person’s worth. They had two women, one plain and one beautiful, drop a notebook of papers on a city street. People just stepped over the plain woman, while everyone, even the handicapped, rushed over to help the beautiful one.

I try not to get suckered into responding to those who use their beauty and sex appeal to draw me into their blog. Have you ever seen 25 Peeps, where bloggers try to get more traffic to their site by showing themselves in their underwear?

I try not to judge any blogger by how they look, only by what they write. But, I am human, and sometimes I am tempted.

Today, my plan was to make Karl my “Blog Crush of the Day.” I read his blog on a daily basis, and he was even nice enough to put my name up for a possible Bloggie Award nomination.

As I was going through my blogroll, I came to EEK’s site. She is an excellent writer, but I don’t read her as consistently as Karl because she doesn’t write as frequently. But today’s post was a collection of photos from her New Year’s Party. It was the first time I had ever seen her photo.

“Jeez, she’s hot!” said a voice from beyond. “You should make her the Blog Crush of the Day!”

And I almost did. I almost compromised everything I believed in… for a pretty face.

But I didn’t. You’ll notice that I kept true to Karl, the Karl who would look awful wearing the same dress as EEK.

So, why am I telling you this inconsequential story? Because soon, it will be YOUR turn to do the right thing.

Serena (notMiranda of No Sex and the City) bamboozled me into volunteering for a online bachelor charity auction. I know… I know… I’m married, but this is Hollywood where we don’t worry about little details like that. The event will be happening in the middle of January. That means that bloggers will actually bid to go on a date with ME! Can you believe that? Of course, women who don’t know me very well will be judging me solely on my photo. Ugh. I’ve heard how tough everyone is on those Match.com sites.

What do you think — is it a bad photo? Notice how I kept my mouth closed so I didn’t have to whiten my teeth with Photoshop. I also need to come up with a blurb to win the women over… like “I enjoy long walks, but never at the beach.” Has anyone been successful in writing online dating blurbs? (NOTE: If you only get crazy, drooling, people answering your personal ads, please do not offer me any of your loser advice — no offense of course).

But look at that face? Can that mug really compete with the other men, most who will be gorgeous male model types with strong chest muscles and biceps? Brooke, will you bid on me?

When the auction begins, I want you to remember how I chose Karl over EEK, the regular guy over the beauty queen.
Will YOU do the right thing when you are given the choice of bidding on– ?

1) A dorky, separated, poor blogger.

OR

2) A handsome single attorney with six-pack abs.

And if you do win me as a date, I promise you that I will give you the best night out that any two-for-one coupon can buy!

Update:  Thanks for the honest comments telling me that my photo is bad… and giving me photographic tricks to look glamorous.  Do you really spend so much time on YOUR PHOTOS before you put them online?  And what happens once the person actually meets you and you look different?!

45 Comments

  1. Am I first in line? Lucky me 😉

  2. I also nominated you for a Bloggie.

    And I thought you were an attorney.

  3. I tried that 25peeps site using an “artsy” picture. It lasted 1 day. So in for the sake of experimentation I used a different picture and got over 100 hits a day from that pic alone. I’m not above using my looks to get what I want but then again I have no morals, values or standards to speak of.

  4. I saw EEK’s pictures. It’s true. She is quite beautiful. I’ve just started reading her blog a few months ago, and I hope to get more posts. To be honest, the picture post was not as interesting as the stuff she writes about.

    I’ve never posted a picture of myself, and I don’t know if I plan to. I like being anonymous.

  5. The picture’s fine, but why not smile? I bet you have a cute smile! I’d bid on you.

  6. I’ll bid on you Neil, and it’s not just because my therapist says “no more attorneys” and I have that recuring fantasy about you… but if there auctioning EEK, all bets are off!

  7. What does it mean if I always post pictures of myself and my traffice hasn’t increased? Wait. Don’t answer that.

    I would totally bid on you Neil! If I weren’t betrothed to Evan that is 🙂

  8. I’d bid on you except I live on the other side of the contintent from you so it wouldn’t make for a real interesting date. But I’d bid on you. That has to count.

  9. i’m actually QUITE good at writing on line personal ads. i’ve even been enlisted by friends to write theirs. my services are here for you.

    the thing with looks is- how long is just looking at a person going to satisfy? if they don’t have anything to back it up in their brain, it’ll dullsvill pretty quick.

  10. I’d take you over the handsome attorney any day, hot stuff.

  11. Could we skip the Olive Garden and just have fish tacos on the beach?

  12. I have a feeling you will do just fine!

  13. Why I Deserve Some Blog Award by Neil Kramer

    I deserve a blog award not because of the quality of my writing, but because I tossed and turned half the night worrying that this blog post is a piece of crap. I woke up this morning to delete it, but horror, the winds last night seem to have knocked out our internet service. So, I left a sleeping sick Sophia in bed and drove to my nearby coffee shop. There’s a number of reasons why this post is awful:

    1) It is too blog-oriented.
    2) I’m never going to win any blog award with such stupid posts. Contrast this with the loving letter Dooce is writing to her daughter today.
    3) It sucks up to my fellow bloggers.
    4) It insults Karl.
    5) It makes it look like I use my Blog Crush of the Day to get into the pants of female bloggers.
    6) It insinuates that I think that I am “dorky” when it isn’t true. I’m probably more “geeky” than “dorky.”
    7) It insinuates that EEK is not a talented writer, but a harlot (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

    If two people tell me to, I’ll will delete this post. Laurie should have never said that my New Year’s Post was my “best post ever.” Now I have performance anxiety.

     

     

  14. DO NOT DELETE THIS POST!!! (all caps so I count like many people)

  15. If you find there’s a market for dorky bloggers, let me know. Maybe I’ll put myself out on eBay and raise money for a trip home.

  16. And your comment to your post insinuates that you cannot count. Is that the sign of a geek?
    😉

  17. Is that your way of saying that you’re not #2? I’m so outta here.

    😉

  18. six pack abs aren’t everything, Neil. You’re super smart and funny. That will get you far. If I lived in California, I’d bid on you. (But I’d invite Sophia on the ‘date’–because I’d want to meet her too!)

  19. I would bid on you. As long as I could bring Loki. I’m sure the two of you could talk the night away being so similar and all. 🙂

  20. You’re adorable and you’re funny and smart. Who would trade that for an attourney with six-pack abs?

    All I can say is, you’re lucky Eek isn’t up for auction, because everyone else would lose.

  21. Yikes, Neil! THAT photo does NOT do you justice. You are so much more attractive than THAT PHOTO! You’ve pushed up your cheeks, so they look jowly, the light is that greenish-yellow fluorescent icky color, bleah. My husband, Mr. Larry, is a professional photographer and the one thing I’ve learned in our 15 years of marriage is how to pose for photos!!! PULEEZE, take a photo in outdoor light where you’re not squinting into the sun. Relax, smile, make sure the camera is slightly higher than your face (this eliminates any double chin action). If you need to “photoshop” anything, just add a little brightness. The bright lights eliminate any wrinkles or shadows on your face. Have you noticed how great Barbara Walters looks in-studio vs. in a street photo? Lighting is everything!!! Good luck!

  22. Better photo, Neil. There was one you posted like a year ago that was cuter.

    But, of course, there must be a bidding war. And I if I win, we’ll do a double date with E-spouse and Sophia. In fact, we might be in LA for a long weekend in April!

    I think you need to let your penis write the dating copy for you…

  23. Ellen has the TRUTH, my friend. I always have someone stand on a chair to photograph me. You think I’m kidding… I’m not. hee hee.

  24. p.s. Art dorks will appreciate this: I have an aesthetic viewing distance of about… oh, twenty feet.

  25. bid on you? I got you for free last time, and you even drove.

    re: photo – you wide-angled yourself into distortion, my friend. I offer photo services on request…

  26. If I win you I plan to immediately pawn you and use the money to buy a quart of Thunderbird or some malt liquor at the nearest 7-11. No offense but you can’t compete with getting drunk on the curb in front of a 7-11.

  27. I have thought long and hard about the wording of your singles ad and here is it. “Hello (nice strong begining), I’m Karl (always open with the truth) I’m rich and and I would love to spend it on a dinner date with you.”
    ta-na – whaddyathink?

  28. Agree on the photo suggestions…hands shoving cheeks making them look like jowls not good. I totally understand though…I am not very good at taking pictures…so I am taking all the suggestions to heart myself (for future postings on online dating sites).
    p.s. do you still have that photo of my from Halloween a couple years ago? Can you email it to me…I thought I should start with that one? 🙂

  29. Will get Sophia to take another photo this weekend. Will use vaseline on lens for softer effect.

  30. Oh, and Sara Lee — here it is.

    The way we met, by me stealing your photo is classic!

  31. Okay, so 3 years ago I stepped off the curb at CSUN wrong, rolled my ankle, resulting in a break. I was carrying 6 large books on Shakespeare for a paper I was writing…they went flying at the same time that I grasped in pain. No one helped me…I must really be plain looking.

  32. i’d bid on you! though i keep reading the last sentence about your penis and going out the back – it’s has me a little worried and yes, everything does turn to smut in my mind…

  33. I think that last penis line will be gone by the end of the day.

    And Darci, I would have helped you.   The very fact that you were carrying SIX books on Shakespeare makes you very sexy.

  34. I know…thanks the stars for Ashbloem!

  35. Borrow someone’s dog and pose for a photo with the dog. I think women like men who like animals. Just a theory.

  36. Neil, I think you look adorable. You have beautiful eyes. I agree with Ellen though. Do a better photo. Outdoor photos make everyone look better. The beach is great for that! The sky will complement your eyes.

  37. when does the voting start? you donated money to my walk for a cure, so i, of course will reciprocate in kind :0)

    sophia can come, too, cause i would hate for my glorious beauty to lure anyone away from their marriage. do they make 3 for 1 coupons?

  38. I say you throw a penis photo in there. That’ll hook the ladies in.

  39. McKay, are you crazy? I haven’t gone on a date in years — and you want me to bring Sophia along? What kind of date is that? And what happens if you two hit it off and start talking about shoes and I’m stuck there watching CNN on the overhead TV, nodding my head and going “Yeah, yeah” every once in a while like men usually do in situations like that.

  40. well, then i’d need sophia’s blessing, since it’s for charity (the auction, not you).

  41. I’d bid on you, but I wouldn’t open-mouth kiss you or let you feel me up on the date. I’m married, after all. And my husband could kick your ass. We wouldn’t want that, now, would we.

  42. Dana, I don’t do “second base” on a first date. Except if you really bid a lot.

  43. Drat! I got behind in reading and I missed being Blog Crush of the Day?! Ack!

    Thanks, bud. And I’m sure you’re gonna be bid upon by many a lady for this auction. Be interesting to hear about this adventure.

  44. If I get to be blog crush of the day, I’ll put up bikini pix.

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