Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: charity auction

“But Are We Compatible?”

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I know how much you’ve enjoyed me turning my blog into a promotional tool. Unfortunately, this is the last day of the bidding, so next week I will back writing about the usual important issues that I normally blog about.

Many people have emailed me saying that they’d love to give money to V-Day, since it is such a worthy cause, but they are on the fence about going on a date with me. So many of you have been burned by going on bad dates with men who were completely WRONG for you. How can I assure you that our date with be fun? Who wants to BID good money to go on a crappy date? If only there was a way to SCIENTIFICALLY learn if you and I were compatible for this charity date.

Now, there is!

Thanks to the kind hearts of those at E-Harmoni, I have been licensed to use their official 5-point compatibility quiz. Take the quiz, then compare it to my answers. If we are compatible, you owe it YOURSELF to bid on me! Don’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet your soulmate!

E-HARMONI “FIVE POINT COMPATIBLILITY QUIZ”

Question 1: Do you enjoy eating food? Yes or No?

Question 2: Do you consider breathing a “necessity?” Yes or No?

Question 3: Would you rather make love on the beach or be tortured by Jack Bauer from the television show “24?”

Question 4: Does the sun set in the West? Yes or No.

Question 5: Which birthday gift would you prefer: A new widescreen TV or a piece of celery?

Neil’s answers: Yes, Yes, love on the beach, Yes, widescreen TV.

Thanks, E-Harmoni!

So, are we compatible? If at least 4 of your answers are the same as mine — you know what you must do!

Last Night’s Prayer

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Dear Lord,

Thank you, Lord, for my health and the health of my family and friends.  Thank you for the Earth and its abundance.  Thank you for creating the blogosphere and the bloggers who have bid in the charity auction, especially the generous person who pledged $105 dollars in order to be wined and dined by me, even when I admitted I haven’t been on a normal date in years.  

Of course, V-day is a worthy cause, Lord, because it is all about women and without women, men would still be stuck in the Garden of Eden picking their noses and belching.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Lord, but I’m not totally satisfied with the $105 dollar bid.  I have two very expensive university degrees and have actually read James Joyce’s Ullysses from beginning to end.  I took a semester of Latin in college (well, it was mostly because some girl I liked was in the class, but at least I attended some of the classes).  I know a few card tricks and I am well-known for my fine retelling of “knock-knock” jokes.  That alone should be worth another ten bucks. 

Is $115 dollars too much to ask?

Your friend, Neil

Update from Neil — This just in:   An actual testimony to my character from an unbiased individual:

“Neil is extremely charming.   He is the perfect dinner companion.  I would recommend him to anyone!” — Elaine Kramer, Flushing, NY

I’ll Pick You Up at Seven, Lucky Winner

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Beautiful people are lucky. I remember seeing a Dateline episode a few months ago where they did an experiment to show how “beauty” enhances a person’s worth. They had two women, one plain and one beautiful, drop a notebook of papers on a city street. People just stepped over the plain woman, while everyone, even the handicapped, rushed over to help the beautiful one.

I try not to get suckered into responding to those who use their beauty and sex appeal to draw me into their blog. Have you ever seen 25 Peeps, where bloggers try to get more traffic to their site by showing themselves in their underwear?

I try not to judge any blogger by how they look, only by what they write. But, I am human, and sometimes I am tempted.

Today, my plan was to make Karl my “Blog Crush of the Day.” I read his blog on a daily basis, and he was even nice enough to put my name up for a possible Bloggie Award nomination.

As I was going through my blogroll, I came to EEK’s site. She is an excellent writer, but I don’t read her as consistently as Karl because she doesn’t write as frequently. But today’s post was a collection of photos from her New Year’s Party. It was the first time I had ever seen her photo.

“Jeez, she’s hot!” said a voice from beyond. “You should make her the Blog Crush of the Day!”

And I almost did. I almost compromised everything I believed in… for a pretty face.

But I didn’t. You’ll notice that I kept true to Karl, the Karl who would look awful wearing the same dress as EEK.

So, why am I telling you this inconsequential story? Because soon, it will be YOUR turn to do the right thing.

Serena (notMiranda of No Sex and the City) bamboozled me into volunteering for a online bachelor charity auction. I know… I know… I’m married, but this is Hollywood where we don’t worry about little details like that. The event will be happening in the middle of January. That means that bloggers will actually bid to go on a date with ME! Can you believe that? Of course, women who don’t know me very well will be judging me solely on my photo. Ugh. I’ve heard how tough everyone is on those Match.com sites.

What do you think — is it a bad photo? Notice how I kept my mouth closed so I didn’t have to whiten my teeth with Photoshop. I also need to come up with a blurb to win the women over… like “I enjoy long walks, but never at the beach.” Has anyone been successful in writing online dating blurbs? (NOTE: If you only get crazy, drooling, people answering your personal ads, please do not offer me any of your loser advice — no offense of course).

But look at that face? Can that mug really compete with the other men, most who will be gorgeous male model types with strong chest muscles and biceps? Brooke, will you bid on me?

When the auction begins, I want you to remember how I chose Karl over EEK, the regular guy over the beauty queen.
Will YOU do the right thing when you are given the choice of bidding on– ?

1) A dorky, separated, poor blogger.

OR

2) A handsome single attorney with six-pack abs.

And if you do win me as a date, I promise you that I will give you the best night out that any two-for-one coupon can buy!

Update:  Thanks for the honest comments telling me that my photo is bad… and giving me photographic tricks to look glamorous.  Do you really spend so much time on YOUR PHOTOS before you put them online?  And what happens once the person actually meets you and you look different?!

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