the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

To Sleep, Perchance to Blog


Nothing bugs me more than blogging “experts” pontificating on what a blog should or shouldn’t be about.  Sure, it might help them write a book on blogging or speak at a conference, but what does anyone know more than YOU about your own personal stuff?

In October, I complained about a blogging book with the title “No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog.”  As a member of the LBADL (Lunch Bloggers Anti-Defamation League), I immediately wrote a post describing what I had for lunch.

Yesterday, I  read a post saying that bloggers should spend more time on their posts, in the hope of creating well-written essays like David Sedaris and selling themselves to magazine editors.   First of all, there already is a David Sedaris, so it seems hopeless to become another one.  Second of all, he is gay, and it is not worth becoming gay just to get published.  And honestly, the chances of your blog doing anything for your writing career are so slim, you might as well just have fun and experiment.

To prove my point, I’m attempted a live blogging experiment.  I went to sleep in the living room and put the alarm on for 3AM.  My goal was to ramble on about my dream, not giving a crap about whether it was interesting or not.

It is now 3AM.  The only problem is that the minute the alarm jarred me out of my gentle slumber, I immediately forgot what I was dreaming about.  This is pretty typical.  I never remember my dreams.  I’ve even tried keeping a pencil and pad by my bed, but by the time I reach for the pencil, the entire dream has disappeared like… well, like a dream.

Even though this blogging dream experiment was a complete failure, I’m glad I did it.  I could have wimped out.  I could have been afraid that some of you would say, “Oh my God, Neil’s post today was a complete mess that he wrote at 3AM.  I’m never reading this blog again!”

If anything, waking up at 3AM has inspired me to write a little bit about SLEEP itself.  

Did you ever notice that we love to write about food and sex, but hardly ever about sleep?   I don’t know about you, but sometimes, there is nothing better than a good night’s sleep.   Between Sophia and the whole car accident scare, and my mother in town, bugging me about getting a haircut, I’ve actually looked forward to just going to sleep the last couple of days.    

I did have a haircut today.  But not because of my mother.

“You look homeless,” my mother has told me over and over again for the last few days.   But I ignored her. 

Today I was in Ralph’s Supermarket, when a woman , around 30, started waving at me.  She was very attractive, but there was something odd about her.  Maybe it was all the chopsticks sticking in her hair.

“How are you?” she asked.

“Fine.”  I said meekly, unsure who she was.  She sensed that I was uncomfortable.

“I know you, right?”

“I don’t think so.  Maybe you mistake me for someone else.”

“Don’t you lecture at the Krishna Center?”

“I’m sorry.  You DO mistake me for someone else.”

I immediately left the supermarket and went for a haircut.

Jeez?  How did I get to talking about my haircut.  Wasn’t I just talking about SLEEP?  I think my mind is starting to play tricks on me, like those college students involved in sleep deprivation tests.

Boy, am I sleepy.  Why am I up at 3AM writing this stupid blog post?  To be honest, if I had the choice RIGHT NOW of being served a five course meal from the finest restaurant in New York, of having Kate Winslet walking in naked, climbing on top of me, and f**king until morning, or just going back to sleep — I would choose SLEEP. 

Now tell me sleep is NOT a worthy subject to write about.

Neil’s Penis:  I strongly disagree with the last statement of Neilochka’s ridiculous post, especially the Kate Winslet part.  I will now punish him by making it hard for him to go back to sleep.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  The Argument


  1. Pearl

    Sweet dreams, Neil.

  2. ms. sizzle

    For once, I agree with your penis.

  3. s@bd

    I’m a (straight) girl and I’m not sure I would choose sleep …

    (also? who wants to read essays? gah.)

  4. trouble

    I find it funny how you can make anything funny. And if you can’t, your penis can.

  5. Brooke

    And the penis wins again!

    I once wrote about things I have had for breakfast over the years. It’s even on my “best of” list. I guess nobody will ever discover me and offer me a book deal.

    Unless I become a lesbian…..hmmm….

  6. Megan

    I don’t think I could turn Kate down either. You must really be tired.

    You know what? I don’t particularly find David Sedaris that interesting. It’s not about WHAT you write about, it’s HOW you write it.

    Gah! Those books and the ones that tell you how to write your novel should be banned from the universe.

  7. Bice

    If I slept I’d have nothing to write about, no delirium tremors to motivate me.

    On a side note, when I do sleep I sleep just like the dog in your photo, loins exposed.

  8. tiff

    “Make it hard for him to back to sleep.” Ha!

    That moment of getting into bed and snuggling in is WONDEFUL….mmm, sleep.

  9. question girl

    i think i have to side w/ the penis on this one (and i’m straigt too)

  10. cruisin-mom

    kate winslett wouldn’t be my first choice. (I’m glad Pearl is your blog crush of the day)

  11. A

    You can’t tell us about a haircut and not post a picture of it. Geez…

  12. Heather B.

    and to think, I never thought there’d be a day when I would agree with a penis…

  13. margaret

    mmm, to sleep, perchance to dream…. about my breast being covered in fur and trying desperately to rip it out… sleeps not going so well for me lately, but I’d love to see before and after pictures of your hair

  14. Edgy Mama

    What I want to know is how the hell does one become a blogging expert? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

  15. Churlita

    The reason no one writes about sleeping, is because you can’t eat or have sex while you’re asleep.

  16. deannie

    I have often loved my pillow more than anything else in the world because it allows me to get comfortable in just the right way to sleep.

    Sleep has cured many ills for me over the years. Sleep Neil, Sleep.

  17. sandra

    Your penis gets crabby in the middle of the night.

  18. Alissa

    I dreamt about Algebra last night. So sleep is on my shit list right now.

  19. laurie

    Oh, but wouldn’t it be funny if you did show up at the Krishna center and lectured? I would totally attend that event!!

  20. The Cynical Girl

    I understand why Lucy and Ricky had separate beds. Sometimes I make up excuses to travel for work — just to get a good night’s sleep in a hotel room. No husband + no animals in my bed = the only way I can get any rest.

  21. Dagny

    And here I was thinking, “I’ve just returned from a trip. Will Neil have anything interesting to say?” And then lo and behold, Neil’s Penis pops up at the end of the post. Thanks for the laugh.

  22. EEK

    I can hardly ever remember my dreams either, and the occasional one that does slip through to my consciousness makes me wonder if my sub-conscious is even trying anymore.

    The last dream I recall having was of Madonna coming and working at my company in my department (as an internal auditor). I thought I’d hate her because of her fake British accent and snooty, smug demeanor, but I ended up liking her. She was a hard worker.

  23. Lynnster

    I’m with Margaret – before and after pics of the hair would have been awesome!

  24. It's Me... Maven

    See, and I’m one of those bloggers who feels that bloggers should get out there into the real world and live their lives to the fullest AND THEN blog about THAT, rather than worry primarily about the craft. But hey, that’s just my perspective…

  25. V-Grrrl

    I’ve written about sleep many times–definitely more often than food or sex. I have my priorities straight. When I talk about “wanting to do it all night,” you can bet I’m talking about sleeping . And when I describe my bedroom fantasies as involving a “threesome,” that means me and TWO pillows.

    I am one interesting Grrrl.

  26. schmutzie

    I must say, I do like your middle-of-the-night rambling style of blogging. Delightful!

  27. joeth

    Fall asleep quickly and easily. Dermasleep’s property formula incorporates all natural and non-habit forming ingredients. Melatonin is known to induce drowsiness and deepen sleep. L-Theanine and 5-HTP are known to create a state of relaxation optimal for sleeping. Visit the site for more detail about the product.

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