It used to be that women had all the insecurities. They worried that they were too fat, too talkative, too this, too that. Now men are as insecure. We feel bad if we don’t have flat abs, thick wavy hair, or look like the model in some underwear ad. Let’s not even talk about money, or some other personal issues that I would just have to delete from this blog later tonight.
As a connoisseur of “male insecurity” I’ve been fascinated by the amount of spam I get for increasing the size of my penis. Is this really what men are worrying about? Obviously most of these men are NOT married. Believe me, after marriage, that concern falls way down on the list. WAY down. I don’t care if you have the smallest penis in the world, I just can’t imagine a woman telling her husband that she wants a divorce because his “penis is too small.”
Back to the email spam. It’s always been unclear to me how these pills actually work. Do these pills increase your penis by 3″ just once, or can you consistently increase it by 3″, like Pinocchio’s nose, or a tax-free CD at the bank which you can rollover at the end of the year for more interest? And why is it always 3″? If I took the pills for say, three months, would the results be an increase of 3″ (cubed), or a 9″ increase. And at what point are you supposed to STOP taking the pills? At a 3″ increase? A 6″ increase? A 9″ increase? If you take only 1/2 of a pill, which I sometimes did when I was trying Prozac, for instance, will you only get a 1.5″ increase of your penis size?
I think it would actually cool to have a 12″ penis because then you would always have a handy ruler. Forget about looking for a dirty ruler in your “junk” drawer when you want to measure the size of your penis. Your penis IS the ruler! Think how much fun it would be for a young couple building their first IKEA-bought entertainment center:
Girl: “The directions say the shelf needs to be exactly 7″ from the edge of wood piece #D.”
Boy: “No problem. Let me just get my “ruler” out.”
Girl: “I’ll help!”
Part of getting older is learning there are things you should feel insecure about which you didn’t even know you were SUPPOSED to be insecure about. Remember that whole tighty-whitey debacle on my blog a year ago, where you told me that white Fruit of the Loom briefs were for mama boys living in their mother’s apartment in New York?
Obsession with penis size is nothing new. I was not surprised by the selling of miracle pills in my email spam. Penis size has been a male obsession since Cain and Abel had their famous duel. But lately, I have been getting some penis-related email spam that just confuses me, which is unusual for a self-proclaimed “penis” expert like myself.
Look at my junk mail box today.
What is it with this recent onslaught of spam extolling ways of “increasing the volume” of my ejaculation. And by 500%!? Huh? Is this some new standard that modern women hold us to — volume?
Girl One: “How was your date with Bob?”
Girl Two: “He was amazing in bed!”
Girl One: Oh? How “big” was he?”
Girl Two: “Nine Quarts!”
How much volume of ejaculate is a man supposed to have? Is this supposed to impress a woman, like the more volume, the more a man’s virility, as if “When I impregnate you, you will give birth to quintuplets!”
I already can hear the banter in male locker rooms across America as this type of email spam becomes the norm:
Guy 1: “Oh, man. Did I f**k Angela good last night. The condom became the size of a beach ball with all the volume of my ejaculate!”
Guy2: “Yeah, big deal. I was f**king Susie this morning and when I came, it was like Katrina hit the bedroom. We almost had to row out on the bed.”
Guy 3: “I once ejaculated so much, I create a hole in my girlfriend’s ceiling and killed a bird flying over head.”
Guy 4: “Big shit. By federal regulations, I’m not even allowed to have sex anywhere near a major airport in case the volume and velocity of my ejaculate shoots up and knocks down a 747.”
As for me, I’m waiting for the pill that causes my penis to play Mozart during orgasm. That would be impressive.
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