Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tis the Season for More Male Insecurity

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It used to be that women had all the insecurities. They worried that they were too fat, too talkative, too this, too that. Now men are as insecure. We feel bad if we don’t have flat abs, thick wavy hair, or look like the model in some underwear ad. Let’s not even talk about money, or some other personal issues that I would just have to delete from this blog later tonight.

As a connoisseur of “male insecurity” I’ve been fascinated by the amount of spam I get for increasing the size of my penis. Is this really what men are worrying about? Obviously most of these men are NOT married. Believe me, after marriage, that concern falls way down on the list. WAY down. I don’t care if you have the smallest penis in the world, I just can’t imagine a woman telling her husband that she wants a divorce because his “penis is too small.”

Back to the email spam. It’s always been unclear to me how these pills actually work. Do these pills increase your penis by 3″ just once, or can you consistently increase it by 3″, like Pinocchio’s nose, or a tax-free CD at the bank which you can rollover at the end of the year for more interest?  And why is it always 3″?  If I took the pills for say, three months, would the results be an increase of 3″ (cubed), or a 9″ increase.  And at what point are you supposed to STOP taking the pills?  At a 3″ increase?  A 6″ increase? A 9″ increase?  If you take only 1/2 of a pill, which I sometimes did when I was trying Prozac, for instance, will you only get a 1.5″ increase of your penis size?

I think it would actually cool to have a 12″ penis because then you would always have a handy ruler. Forget about looking for a dirty ruler in your “junk” drawer when you want to measure the size of your penis. Your penis IS the ruler! Think how much fun it would be for a young couple building their first IKEA-bought entertainment center:

Girl: “The directions say the shelf needs to be exactly 7″ from the edge of wood piece #D.”

Boy: “No problem. Let me just get my “ruler” out.”

Girl: “I’ll help!”

Part of getting older is learning there are things you should feel insecure about which you didn’t even know you were SUPPOSED to be insecure about. Remember that whole tighty-whitey debacle on my blog a year ago, where you told me that white Fruit of the Loom briefs were for mama boys living in their mother’s apartment in New York?

Obsession with penis size is nothing new. I was not surprised by the selling of miracle pills in my email spam. Penis size has been a male obsession since Cain and Abel had their famous duel. But lately, I have been getting some penis-related email spam that just confuses me, which is unusual for a self-proclaimed “penis” expert like myself.

Look at my junk mail box today.

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What is it with this recent onslaught of spam extolling ways of “increasing the volume” of my ejaculation. And by 500%!? Huh? Is this some new standard that modern women hold us to — volume?

Girl One: “How was your date with Bob?”

Girl Two: “He was amazing in bed!”

Girl One: Oh? How “big” was he?”

Girl Two: “Nine Quarts!”

How much volume of ejaculate is a man supposed to have? Is this supposed to impress a woman, like the more volume, the more a man’s virility, as if “When I impregnate you, you will give birth to quintuplets!”

I already can hear the banter in male locker rooms across America as this type of email spam becomes the norm:

Guy 1: “Oh, man. Did I f**k Angela good last night. The condom became the size of a beach ball with all the volume of my ejaculate!”

Guy2: “Yeah, big deal. I was f**king Susie this morning and when I came, it was like Katrina hit the bedroom. We almost had to row out on the bed.”

Guy 3: “I once ejaculated so much, I create a hole in my girlfriend’s ceiling and killed a bird flying over head.”

Guy 4: “Big shit. By federal regulations, I’m not even allowed to have sex anywhere near a major airport in case the volume and velocity of my ejaculate shoots up and knocks down a 747.”

As for me, I’m waiting for the pill that causes my penis to play Mozart during orgasm. That would be impressive.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: The Truth About Olive Garden

45 Comments

  1. Neil – very funny. Increasing ejaculate volume by 500%? That number is hard to swallow.

  2. My belly button is an outie but my penis is an innie.

  3. Oh my Jules! LOL

    On a personal note: I prefer Bach to Mozart.

  4. Oh my ! I am crying tears of laughter !

    What about Shubert, wouldn’t you like Shubert ? Woman’s point of view, uh.

  5. “Just let me get my ‘ruler’ out!”

    “I’ll help!”

    Laughter ensued.

  6. I personally prefer Beethoven.

  7. Oh Neil! Or is that, Oh! Neil!

    Are ya’ll sure it wouldn’t be Rachmaninov?

  8. I prefer there to be no musical score during ejaculation. Just get off me and get the towel. If you can get your penis to get the towel, I’m sold.

  9. Fantastic news for all those poor Indian men who have now been shamed in admitting that they are too small for the international standards of a condom. All they have to do is to make it up in volume and not length.

  10. You’ve got to submit this post somewhere- a men’s magazine? once again I am laughing at your posts! BTW, can you email me your address? I want to send you and Sophia a holiday card-even though I don’t “know” you guys I have enjoyed your posts so much this year and want to send you a card. I always include large cash gifts too.

  11. Do you think those companies actually make money spamming e-mails?

    I also like the ones from hot, Russian, eighteen year old girls who want to marry me. You know there’s some fat, 65 year old guy somewhere pretending to be Irina.

    Your penis already talks, so maybe you could teach him to hum a few bars of classical music during your orgasm.

  12. When it comes to composers and sex, I like a guy to spell Rimsky-Korsakov on my clitoris with his tongue. In Cyrillic letters.

    When will these companies figure out that it’s not the length of a penis that matters, it’s how much water it displaces?

  13. Why is it all I can think of is the movie Ghostbusters?

    “I’ve been slimed!”

    If a chick has to wear a diaper after sex, it’s not sexy.

  14. “I think it would actually cool to have a 12″ penis…”

    Because then it would be a foot!

    (rimshot heard in background)

    Yeah, cheesy, but I couldn’t resist…

  15. What an early morning boost! I echo one of the comments above. Welcome back! I laughed out loud so hard that I woke the man. Once he is *really* awake (he still needs a couple of cups of coffee and am running to pour it) I will read this out loud to him. Thank you!

  16. I just realized I forgot to add technorati “tags” to this post. But do I really want to?

  17. Insecurity. We all have it and would like to give it away. Anyone want mine?

  18. the range of topics you manage to cover is unbelievable!

  19. “Your penis IS the ruler!” Oh gosh. lol.

    * And men do actually do obsess about their penis size. Once, my ex asked me if I’d love him more if he had a larger penis. How does a girl respond to that?
    Yes hun, I measure my love for you by the measure of your c..k.

    And, nice touch with the picture in the beginning. It fell perfectly into place when you began to explore the possibilities of an increased ejaculation volume. Gave me the shivers. Don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. lol.

  20. Since I’ve totally never had sex before, I cannot comment either way, but V-grrrl sounds about right. Ew. Not sexy at all.

  21. this was classic neil. loved it! i almost spit out my morning tea reading it. :0

  22. See, I vote for smooth jazz. This way afterwards you wouldn’t have to snuggle. Your partner could just be lulled to sleep by the Rippingtons!

  23. You READ your SPAM email?!? Now I *am* getting concerned. Just stop that…because if I have to think about quarts of emission, I may have to throw up. Ewwww

  24. Does your penis take requests?

  25. I have no idea why I am supposed to be impressed by a 500 percent larger ejaculation. *shakes head*

    And a musical penis would be great, as long as it doesn’t play something like “Don’t Come Around Here No More.”

  26. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, I presume.

  27. or The Magic Flute, of course.

  28. More??? No. There’s enough to clean up as it is, but thanks. I’ve always been a big Vivaldi fan…

  29. This was very very funny. I do love dropping by. I would have to say that the answer to this question probably has something to do with America’s porn obsession. Just like men want their girlfriends to look like gaunt supermodels, they also want to have a legendary cum shot–or at least believe that their girlfriends want them to? Blame media.

  30. Feh. Who wants to have an even *bigger* wet spot to contend with for the rest of the night? Fuggedaboutit.

  31. all i can really say is thank you for the guffaws!

  32. I wonder, what is the going price of sperm vs. the price of the pills? I may have found the perfect job for my teenage son.

  33. Did you discuss all this with your penis?

  34. One can never be too rich, too think or have a too copious ejaculation.

  35. Brooke is right, you really need to let your penis comment on this post. Yuck, I’ve never seen those “increase your ejacuate” emails, why would anyone want to do that?

    While the size of my penis is that only thing that I’m NOT insecure about, I beg to differ with your conclusion. I CAN imagine some women wanting a divorce because their husband’s penises are too small. On the other hand, that’s something they should have figured out long before they walked down any aisle.

  36. A penis rule. That’s effing genius!

  37. Neil, I believe you have a winner!

  38. a penis ruler…..that is brilliant, especially because you would be so useful!

  39. This one will go down as a blog classic.

  40. LOL …. I am gone for a couple of months & look what I find, Yippy!

    Smooch,
    The Tart
    ; *

  41. Oh, what to say, what to say. I’m speechless. The Ikea scenario is very funny!

  42. Melvin Trunkwhiler

    February 15, 2007 at 10:57 am

    Mozart!!!!! That was hilarious. :0)

  43. I can understand wanting a bigger penis, but more cum??? What on earth for, to get Nectar points? My ex had a smallie, but I loved him to bits. But he kept wishing it was bigger so I could be happier. I’M HAPPY, the sex is great as it is! Why cant guys believe that?

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