the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Make Me Insecure Friday

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In the tradition of Poetry Tuesday and Sunday Scribblings, I’d like to welcome you to the hottest blogging craze — Make Me Insecure Friday!

Yes, it’s Friday.  You’ve worked hard all week.  But before you go home and have a relaxing weekend, why not sit back while I tell you what a loser you are.

Today’s topic is:  Numbers.

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Numbers. 

Is there anything that makes us more insecure than numbers? 

The Top 10.  The Big 5.   The Technorati 100.  Hah Hah, I’m sure you’re not ANY OF THOSE!  

Have you looked at your blog stats today?  The numbers are down… way down!

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By the way, what exactly is your net income?  Is that ALL you make for doing that?

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Ooh, is that the Infiniti M35 you’re driving?   Nice, but NOT as nice as my Infiniti M45!

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Are you really a man who is under six feet tall?  What woman is going to date you other than Linda Hunt?

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Jeez, are you a woman with only an 32A cup?   Is your father Flat Stanley?

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And you’re over 35 and still not married?  Crazy woman, crazy woman!

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You’re not partner yet?  What kind of man are you?  You should be making twice as much as your father!

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My friend Trish is a size 4 and laughs at the big women who are size 6 and 8.   I have news for you, Trish, the laughter is over.  Nicole Miller is coming out with sizes that are LESS THAN ZERO.    That’s right — NEGATIVE ZERO clothes.

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Let’s make believe you’re a condom manufacturer in Japan.  You’re coming out with a new brand made specifically for men who want a condom that is, uh, of average length and narrower than others.  What would be a good name for this condom?  Let’s see… how about Beyond Seven

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Imagine the happy woman who sees you take out your Beyond Seven condom, and then…

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This is Jiro Okamoto, President of Okamato Industries, maker of Beyond Seven Condoms.  He sure looks funny, doesn’t he? 

I also bet you he makes 100x money than you will in a lifetime.

I hope you’ve enjoyed Make Me Insecure Friday.  Make sure you come back next week for another installment!  

Have a great weekend!  I’ll be cleaning up the house, and being insecure.

67 Comments

  1. plain jane

    Hilarious. So that is what happens to women who don’t marry by 35!

  2. Neil

    What kind of loser publishes a post for Friday on Thursday? That’s like being the first one at a party (which I always am).

  3. brettdl

    You should see how obsessed traders are with numbers.

  4. Tim

    I laughed out loud at the flat stanley line.

    Also, I’m feeling very insecure now. And I still have 1 more hour of Thursday to go. Tomorrow should be hell. Thanks Neil!

  5. steppingoverthejunk

    and the funny thing about Nicole Miller, in case you didnt know this about designer clothes, is that last Christmas I bought a Nicole Miller gown…I specifically wear and pre and post babies, have always worn, a 6-8 in all clothes. I had to buy a 4 and have it taken in. Designers lower the number, they arent true sizes…how’s that for ego boosts, ladies???

  6. Leesa

    Oh sure.. bum us out before Friday even gets here 😉

  7. Swishy

    Great. Not only does Trish think I’m fat (at size 8), but Nicole Miller thinks I’m morbidly obese. Screw the elliptical, I’m eating truffles and watching Ugly Betty instead.

  8. s@bd

    How did you know my blog stats are down?
    dammit.

  9. CrankMama

    love it.. insecure friday.. i’m sick of all the g*d* blogger love-fests anyway. this is FAR more amusing…

  10. Erleichda!

    Funny how, according to Nicole Miller, women should be striving for smaller numbers, yet according to salary figures and Mr. Okamoto, men should be striving for bigger ones …

    Say, would you mind if I linked to this from my blog? The condom package is inspiring me. (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type …)

  11. Neil

    Sure, Erleichda, I think it’s great to have you link to this post.

    (what an unoriginal hack!)

    Sorry, just trying to make you feel insecure! It’s done with love.

  12. The Zero Boss

    Maybe it’s just me, but what woman wants an “aloe-enriched” condom in her pussy? That’d be the one place I would figure that aloe NEVER belonged.

  13. teahouseblossom

    Those breasts…euwww..

    And if the smaller-women trend and the larger-men trend collide, one day a woman will actually be killed while having sex. It’s inevitable.

    And a way to feel really large is to buy Kimono condoms. They’re made smaller, so you can buy the “extra large” size and feel very adequate, indeed.

  14. justrun

    You ought to be an optimist and keep reading fortune cookies instead.

  15. Fitena

    Hahaha! Where do you buy it, that sens of humour of yours? lol!
    Hummm… you’ll get me on the stats only! I checked yesterday and technorati says a not among the 100,000! How day spoiling is that?! Am glad I got over it pretty quick!

    Fitèna

    PS: Sophia, welcome back!

  16. Churlita

    I would say you are very late to my party. I’ve been insecure for years. It’s one of best traits. I can’t imagine what you could say to change that.

    Oh, I got it – you could actually make me do math. Those kind of numbers make me really insecure.

  17. lizardek

    Insecure, schminsecure.

  18. V-Grrrl

    Thanks Neil, I now feel 50 percent less secure overall, 25 percent more depressed by my breast size, 30 percent more depressed by my weight, 27 percent more insecure about my age, 18 percent less happy about my income, and wondering whether engine size really matters.

    However, I’m happy to report that I’m 100 percent satisfied with my blog and my blog buddies.

    P.S. Call the therapist. Have you got the NUMBER?

  19. Mist 1

    32A. Size 00. Hate me now.

    Anorexia’s a bitch.

  20. Felicity

    I was all set to try really hard to come up with something clever about the negative zero sizes but Mist 1’s comment stopped me dead in my tracks. So, uh, have a good weekend, Neil.

  21. treespotter

    you do worry me sometimes. are we gonna have a recipe Tuesday next?

  22. NSC

    I sort of froze at the Big Book of Breasts photo.

  23. MARGARET

    It took me a momement to firgure out what those breast were… mine must be really abnormal. I made an appointment with my shrink for Monday.

  24. Megan

    I hate numbers. Now I know why.

    My big, fat size 6 ass wishes you a happy weekend. And my inadequate 36Bs have vowed never to come out of hiding. Thanks. 😉

  25. Dagny

    The black cat looks like Natasha but that other one looks nothing like Boris.

  26. Tony Peaker

    Blog stats going down? I’d be happy if I even had stats.

    But I do feel insecure about the size of my breasts now 🙂

  27. kristen

    That’s 32AA mister and you wonder why I’m insecure about my nudie body?

    Sincerely,
    a pirates dream

  28. Jessica

    I woke up this morning feeling suicidal, Neil…this post may very well be what puts me over the edge.

    Hope you can live with yourself.

  29. Abigail

    It’s okay, I lose weight vicariously through my dog. People gush over how skinny he is now (thanks to the new HappyTrails! non-active dog food) and I totally don’t even care about any other numbers.

  30. Two Roads

    I am clearly happy with my 5’9″, 150lb, size 10, 34A (wonderfully perky), girly, curvy body. Numbers don’t bother me.

  31. ms. sizzle

    this post depressed me neil. and you KNOW why Jiro looks like that…he probably has to use the new condoms.

    less than zero sized clothing!? they probably wouldn’t fit my right breast.

  32. danielle

    um, excuse me while i hide under my desk…

  33. CGHill

    How bad am I supposed to feel? I drive an Infiniti I30.

  34. cruisin-mom

    Neil, I’m worried about you…narrowing yourself like this to “special blog days”. Please stop this trend…NOW.

  35. laurie

    There is nothing in that list that a good cabernet, applied liberally, will not fix.

  36. laurie

    Look, Neil, you have knitter fans!

  37. psychomom

    Do you think you could smack me around too?

  38. M.A.

    Less than zero? she says while eating potato chips and laughing.

  39. 2nd Pearl Past the Post

    This isn a great idea. I think from now on I’ll save up and confine all my insecurities til Friday. Think of the time saving M-Th. 🙂

    I saw this generator and thought of you: http://www.blogthings.com/penisnamegenerator/

  40. 2nd Pearl Past the Post

    http://www.pretzelfont.com/render.aspx
    well, this one made me think of you too, but…

  41. mmariem3

    I feel better.

  42. othurme

    Thanks, Neil, for the link to the condoms. Oops…did I say that out loud?

  43. Melissa

    Not at all bothered by your list of insecurities. 34 and no husband on the horizon, giant boobs, big butt, no cats, no kids, no way overpriced car…

    And that happy family up top? The dad is cheating on the mom, the mom is popping zoloft like pez, the baby has colick, the little girl still wets the bed and the little boy keeps asking other little boys to see there little-boy wangs.

  44. Neil

    Uh, 2nd Pearl, those things made you think of ME? Do you think I just mull over my penis all day while eating pretzels? I do like pretzels, though. How did you know?

    Melissa — yeah, you keep on telling yourself that… I hear that couple has even more sex and is more loving since having their beautiful children…

  45. Richard

    Neil, you know that ugly blotch on the back of your neck, the one your friends and family are too polite to tell you about, the one you can’t see in the mirror no matter how hard you crick your neck? The one we all laugh about when you’re not in the room? It’s been looking a lot worse lately.

  46. Neil

    Thanks for joining in the fun, Richard. Uh, yeah…

  47. K.Leigh

    I just spent an hour waiting in line to buy rubber snakes at the Party City on Los Feliz. This post was exactly what I needed.

  48. Hootch

    I love how every condom slogan is more or less “for when safety and sensitivity cant be compromised”

    why cant there be a condom whose slogan is “Beyond 7 Ultra Thick – for when you’re banging a ho”

    I think this may be an untapped demographic.

  49. Violet

    What a clever way to get women commenters to tell you their respective bra sizes.

    American sizing is so stupid. In NZ even the slimmest of women can only fit into a size 8 – 6 if they’re anorexic or have worms – and it’s not because we’re a fat nation.

  50. Neil

    Ha Ha, I already know most of their bra sizes from previous posts. I figured it was time to get the data on new readers.

  51. Nance

    Our blog stats are probably down because you shifted your blogroll to a whole ‘nother page.

    No pressure…

  52. paintergirl

    not today, not today. Tuesday yes, friday no. I have just recycled my life.

    The aloe condoms though are kind of creepy. Cheers Neil!

  53. Roberta

    Is that Gary Oldman as Dracula next to Linda Hunt?

  54. Tatyana

    Re: bra sizes and their contents.
    Neil, you’re so behind corporate imagination!
    See the contest’s results that the Corbina Telecom (telecommunications Co in Russia) published on their site.
    All participants are Co’s employees, “older 18ye, sent their pics voluntarily and if didn’t have the pic to send, used the photo-op at the Co’s headquarters”.

  55. Neil

    Holy crap, Tatyana. Now there’s another reason to hate Time-Warner Cable!

    Sophia, we’re moving to Moscow!

    (excuse me while I stop cleaning the house for a bit so I can improve my Russian language skills on this interesting site)

  56. Jennifer

    Given his smug appearance, I’d bet money he’s never had the need for one of his own products.

    Negative ZERO? I thought fat was the new thin?

  57. anne arkham

    Narrower than others? Ewwww. Pencil dick is not cool.

  58. wendy

    why do I feel like I’m being played a little here, Neil..Something tells me you are not the insecure type…..

  59. Neil

    That’s right, Wendy. I’m not. And that should make YOU insecure.

    (sorry… just staying in character until tomorrow. you understand…)

  60. wendy

    anything you can do…I can do better…

  61. better safe than sorry

    i’m not insecure about most of what you mentioned, however, for some reason, i forgot to do a post on friday. maybe i’m not as secure as i thought.

  62. patry

    The one that makes me insecure is number of words written. The other day I heard about another writer who’d gotten 80 pages of a new novel done in a week–all with a 2 year old underfoot. I was so exhausted for her I had to take a nap.

  63. Scarlet

    Hmmm, thanks, Neil.

  64. Erleichda!

    Took me a couple of days to get my idea posted, and it’s just a small one (by no means “beyond seven”) but it’s there 😉

  65. marcail

    Outrageously funny. Deuces Babe.

  66. Annie D.

    This post deserves a “10.”

    And now I feel even more insecure.

    Thanks.

  67. Jill

    My dad, Flat Stanley, is SO going to kick your ass. And my size nine through thirteen (who can tell?) ass is going to kick Trish’s when he’s done.

    I’ll be here, looking at my tiny bras…

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