the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

My First Attempt at Targeted Advertising

visa2.jpg 

For the upcoming Poetry Thursday
demographic:  hot Yoga chicks

I’ve mastered my emotions
Through tantric practices
Through careful meditation
I’m a Ayurvedic wiz
I know my Bhakti Yoga
I’ve sat with Liz Elayne
I’ve read my Upanishads
While posing in the rain
To reach my inner chakras
is actually quite hard
That’s why I feel my oneness
With the Enlightenment Visa Card

You know how several times a year, you get offers for credit cards from every organization you’ve ever been connected with:  the AAA, your college alumni, Amazon.com.  Do you have any doubt that if my penis would apply for a Mastercard, that he would be approved for one?

I just happened to find the idea of an Enlightenment Visa card amusing.   From their website:

Finally, a credit card for people like us

Some people say money is evil…

We say “how” money is used determines the effect.

The Enlightenment Card was founded on the idea that money is energy and if used with positive and integrative intention, can have the power to affect change in our lives and the world. Everyone uses a credit card, so why not have one where people can earn points towards positive products and services that enhances their overall “Conscious” life path? Some of the categories of rewards you can earn points toward are yoga classes, organic products, retreats + workshops, travel, books + DVD’s, personal care, spa treatments, and more…And, members can even redeem their points to make donations to charities such as Trees for the Future.

Is collecting 154,000 Reward Points for a Thai Yoga Massage at a fancy resort really that much better than American Airlines Frequent Flier Miles?

There are eight different cards you can choose from, including “Truth,” “Love,” and “Peace,” each with a different “spiritual” picture on it.

I LOVE the Enlightenment Card’s slogan:  “Changing your world with every point you earn.” 

38 Comments

  1. LisaBinDaCity

    *Rolls eyes heavenward*

    Yuppie guilt, aint it grand?

    Love the poem!

  2. Kevin

    When will I be able to order my Citizen of the Month no-limit credit card?

  3. Edgy Mama

    Only in California.

  4. mojotek

    …founded on the idea that money is energy and if used with positive and integrative intention, can have the power to affect change in our lives and the world.

    Holy crap… I’m glad they told me that. I would have gone on believing that money is the root of all evil. Thank you VISA!

  5. wendy

    I went the site to see if this was a joke…I guess not. One of the guys you can “save up for” (perks) looks a little to much like Charles Manson for me thanks…As for only in CA…Isn’t it a chicago based card..Poor CA..not every weird crunchy thing comes from CA.. and as for yoga chicks… It’s all in the sustained pose..isn’t it…You have to bend to impress….Dooce, really Neil, you Break my heart.

  6. Roberta

    Have you ever had a Thai Yoga Massage? I can’t believe you’d receive rewards on top of one of those… pure heaven.

  7. Non-Highlighted Heather

    And I’m assuming the requirements in order to get this card have changed. Instead of good credit, one must be able to hold Utthita Vikasitakamalasana
    for ten minutes.

  8. Blitz Krieg

    In a time of financial transition from military life to civilian, the influx of credit card mailings nearly drove my family to bankruptcy. We began a series of balance transfers and new accounts in an attempt to stay ahead of the collectors who came calling when we underestimated the cost to enter the real world. All the fancy colors, photos and point programs are nothing more than a way to pauperize the financially uneducated (like we were)to line the big bank’s pockets. I really like the poem though.

  9. marcail

    Excellent. What type of points is your penis interested in collecting?

  10. orieyenta

    Just when you thought you’ve seen it all…so which one did your penis apply for?

  11. V-Grrrl

    Neil,

    I can see my comment last week made a difference!

    Finally, the planets have aligned, your chakras are unblocked, your chi is flowing, and your feet are firmly placed on the Lotus Way.

    All you need to do to reach enlightenment is charge a trip to Tibet and a wardrobe from Christy Turlington.

  12. Neil

    Wendy — It is my final attempt with Dooce. If she doesn’t comment on my blog now, she’s never going to.

  13. Bre

    I must admit, I never wanted a credit card until I realized you could get one in a fashionable design. Now I have an ungodly amount. Sigh.

  14. Neil

    Blitz — I know that this credit card debt can be serious problems with a lot of families. I don’t know if they still do it, but when I was in college, they would set up stands on campus practically giving away Visa cards to students — starting you on your life of credit.

  15. fringes

    …starting you on your life of credit ruin.

  16. Neil

    NOT FOR BLOGLAUGHS EYES:

    Someone just wrote on the same topic and is much funnier than I am. Damn it!

    http://jordansmuse.blogspot.com/

  17. othurme

    Now I have to pay 19% interest on my “energy”?

  18. deezee

    In the spirit of not placing all eggs in one basket, keep the AA frequent flier card and add the enlightenment offering. Get your miles and fly off to spa treatment. Meditate on your debt and find bliss.

    And for the record, I stand in full defense of California. Without us, who would everyone mock…other than, uh, gee, the White House??? (c’mon, admit it. we come up with all the good progressive ideas…)

  19. The Cynical Girl

    Frankly I use my AA miles for evil. If I can’t get a credit card that destroys mankind and has a good interest rate, I don’t want one.

  20. Jordan

    I’m loving this blog…and impressed by the sheer numbers of people who seem to read it.

    I’m waiting for the porn credit card, personally.

  21. Neil

    Jordan, that’s because most of them are in debt to me with using my platinum credit card.

    Remember when people actually tried to impress you with their Gold card? Now that my mother has a gold card, everyone got a platinum card. Soon, people will need to walk around with a block of gold that they chip off to impress people. Really cool would be if the credit card was inplanted in your cornea so you would just have to look at the check to pay it. And women would know whether to date you or not by looking at the credit limit printed in your eyeball.

    I’m actually looking through my collection of credit cards and I can’t believe how many I have that I never even use. I once got an Amazon.com Visa because you could get 15% off of books ONCE if you ordered it. I even have a Sears Mastercard — how I got it, I don’t even know… I think it was for a discount on a washing machine…

    How many credit cards do you think the typical person has? Ten?

    I really should get my credit report.

  22. Jordan

    Oh, I see, so you’re a fairweather credit card holder. If it gets you a one-time discount you’ll just sign up for any old trashy account.

    I hate credit because it panders to our base nature, our instant-gratification gene or whatever. It’s like hostess cupcakes; you don’t want to eat them, but if they’re out in front of you, you will. You just will.

    I like the idea of walking around with a block of gold. Or better yet, a cement brick painted gold, which hopefully someone would steal and then feel really stupid.

    Oh dear. I’m rambling.

  23. mmariem3

    The poem is beautiful – really. Yoga chicks will be buying Visa cards in droves.

  24. Non-Highlighted Heather

    If they came out with a credit card that I could wear on my grill like Flavor Flav, that would be so dope.

  25. Viscountes of Funk

    So under Visa’s logic, an elderly and incompetent person who decided to charge $10,000 on his or her Visa Enlightenment card to the Pat Robertson Church Ministery Foundation would make the world a better place so long as the donator had good intentions? Please.

  26. Violet

    I can definitely see the appeal those card might have for their targeted demographic. But I’m waiting for one which saves the environment – in fact, why the hell isn’t there one already?

  27. better safe than sorry

    i’ve never seen those (enlightenment) cards here. i only have one credit card, i never use it, i use my debit card for absolutely everything.

  28. K.Leigh

    All I get from my credit cards are phone calls from them several times a day becuase I’m too poor to pay my bills right now. Thank God for caller ID.

  29. emma

    How do you know your penis hasn’t already been pre approved and hasn’t got his own set of credit cards, with which he purcases all manner of love creams and exotic potions?

  30. DebR

    I can’t believe you didn’t save this post for Poetry Thursday! 😀

  31. Jack

    These cards reek of smugness. Exactly what self-righteous yuppies would buy to remind themselves that they’re better than everybody else.
    Because it’s not what you do or what you really believe in that matters, it’s what you put on a little piece of plastic.

  32. Neil

    On a serious note, here’s a good article on “How many credit cards is too many?” I didn’t intend to learn anything with this blog post, but I’m actually learning a lot about how credit works.

  33. molly

    Is that an Om on your card or are you just happy to see me?!

  34. brooke

    You are such a product whore.

  35. Caitlinator

    Oh. my. god. I don’t know if I’m allowed to dis your sponsors, or if this is even a real sponsor on your site, but this, I think, is the evilest credit card in all the land. I have long held the opinion that credit card companies are evil, but this just takes the cake. Depressing, really. And yet, I still support your desire to make money off your blog. I wish you could include a “this product is evil” disclaimer, but I guess that would sort of defeat the point. Sigh.

  36. Mo

    Admit it, Neil, you don’t need ads because you’re Sophia’s mancandy. Mmmmmm mancandy…

  37. Erleichda!

    Oh my God — after reading the poem and the first paragraph, I thought this was going to be a biting bit of satire … until I saw the link to the Enlightenment Visa Web site. UNbelieveable … though one of my friends once saw an ad for a car that began with, “To be one with everything, you must own one of everything.”

    *shudder*

    (Hi, by the way — I stumbled across your blog on Technorati a few days ago & enjoy it very much!)

  38. V-Grrrl

    Othurme–“paying 19 percent interest on my energy” Ha, ha, ha. Priceless. ; D

    Better Safe Than Sorry–your blog commenting name appears to apply to all aspects of your life.

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