Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Neilochka’s Favorite Things 2005

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Welcome, readers.  I know you are here today thinking that this is just another one of my run-of-the-mill blog posts, but you are in for a…

BIG SURPRISE. 

(Hopeful gasp from readership)

In honor of Oprah’s annual over-the-top consumer-fest, Oprah’s Favorite Things 2005, which airs on Monday, I would like to introduce the first annual:

Neilochka’s Favorite Things, 2005! 

(Readers cheer wildly)

With the holiday season approaching, I want to offer some great gift-giving ideas.  But even more importantly, I want to say THANKS to all the new friends that I have made through this blog this year.

So, here it goes.  And remember, most of you will be walking away with GIFTS OF YOUR OWN!

(Readers get up and go crazy)

1) 

First up, I would like to thank you all for being such an intelligent and witty group.  When I first read you all, I visualized you as being very suave and sophisticated.  Unfortunately, I met a few of you and my image of you was quickly destroyed.  Some of you dress like real schlubs.  To rectify this, I would like to introduce my first favorite thing in the hopes that you will now start to dress as fashionably as you blog. 

Yes, I am talking about your very own ‘I Love Blogging" trucker hat!

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"I Love Blogging" trucker hats for everyone!

(Readers start chanting, "Neilochka!  Neilochka!  Rah Rah Rah!")

2) 

How many times have your rushed off to work and forgot to read the latest "Citizen of the Month" post? Sure, you can read it later or at work.  But wouldn’t you enjoy the post more when it is hot and fresh off the presses?  The answer is better time management.  For that, you need a timepiece that will always remind you when my latest post is up, and that will always be on Pacific Time.  Yes, you are some of the first people in the world to see my new "exclusive" line of watches that  I personally designed with Sophia’s assistance. 

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Yes, it is the "Citizen" brand of watches!   Each of you gets a choice of three of the finest watches made in the world!

(Readers scream in joy.  Several women take off their tops and wave their hard-to-unhook-bras in the air)

3) 

Many of you know that I have a special bond with my female readers.  I have never met a group of women who are as smart and sexy as you.  I feel I owe you a special thanks for all your love and support.  To show you my love, I’d like each of you to have another one of my favorite things of this year:  exact replicas of the $3.99 bouquet of slightly wilted flowers that I bought Sophia in an earlier post!

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(Several female readers faint.  Akaky has to give mouth-to-mouth to Tatyana)

4)

Speaking of Sophia, as my editor, she frequently calls me up to tell me that my post really sucked that day.  Sometimes, to better put her point across, she swears at me in Russian, a language known for its elaborate curses.   As a talented interpreter, actress and Russian dialect coach, Ms. Sophia Lansky knows all the proper curses in this extremely expressive language.  The English language is like Wimpsville  compared to Russian.   In English, it is considered inflammatory to say "Your mother!"  In Russian, they say, "Your mother like this and that, up, down, and around, and their mother, and seven coffins, too!"    Maybe because of Russia’s sad history, coffins are big in Russian.  You just don’t say, "F–k your mother!"  You say "F–k your mother through seven gates while whistling… and in her coffin!"  

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not big on cursing, so I’m been trying to catch up to Sophia by studying this book "Dermo!: The Real Russian Tolstoy Never Used!"  It is definitely one of my favorites this year.  If you always dreamed of cursing like a Russian sailor, this is the book for you.   A copy for everyone!

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(Readers cheer for Sophia.  Some male reader, drunk on vodka, reads from his new book and screams out to Sophia, calling her a "smokin’ hot piece of stuffed cabbage" in Russian.)

5) 

I’d like to give a special thank you to all my my anorexic readers.  It is your commitment to your unhealthy lifestyle that made my crappiest post into the most popular one.   Without you, I wouldn’t have my photos of Nicole Richie hot-linked all over the blogosphere.    You are the ones who made this site what it is today — not much.

What?  Is that a special guest I see coming it?  Yes, it is Nicole Richie herself!  And she is bringing each and every "Ana" site reader one of my favorite things — an In-N-Out burger from California’s best hamburger chain!

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(The Ana women would cheer, but most of them are too busy stuffing their faces with their first meal all  week and then running out to throw up)

6) 

Finally, I want to turn my attention to those who are most in need.  Because that’s what the Holidays are all about. 

I am talking to you, SHORT MEN.  

You have been nothing short of miraculous. You are another group of loyal readers, although you never read anything other than this one post about yourselves.  But I feel bad for you.  For months, my female readers have been shooting you down, saying that a man’s height is more important than anything else.  I know many of you feel insecure about your height.  That’s why I want to give  you the most important gift of all — your self esteem back.   This is truly my most favorite thing of 2005 — and it is not a consumer product.  It is the knowledge that in matters of love and romance, a man’s height is not the most important thing.   There are many ways to a woman’s heart, even when a man is short

NSFW… click here

88 Comments

  1. I’m not short, but I still got a lot out of that helpful link. you tha man, Neilochka!

  2. Neli
    I am sooo madd. I am still trying to wipe my running mascara. That is awful. OMG!! Thanks for the funnies today

  3. oh my dear lord, my childhood just exploded in a ball of flame.

    Thanks a lot, Neil. Really, thanks.

  4. Errr just want to confirm about my gifts. (in case the postman is not the most honest person on earth..) When u said the ladies get the exact replicas of the bouquet u got Sophia, does it come with the dick with tag?

    No? OK, I’m cool. Just checking.

  5. oh, i can just feel the love.

    feel_the_love_,_baby!

    (and, i’m not ‘ana’ but can i have the burger, because in-and-out is utterly amazing. i didn’t even like burgers before i tried theirs, and now i WANT them. – i believe they put an addictive chemical in the beef that makes me crave it fortnightly)

  6. Funny how I couldn’t remember what “NSFW” meant until I opened the link… Funny.

  7. I am simply SPEECHLESS! Thank you dear Neil for rewarding your viewers in SUCH a generous way. Wow! Oprah is going to have to pull up her tent and slink away after THIS extravaganza 😉

  8. Thanks Neil. Now I have cravings for burgers and animated porn. I hate it when this happens.

  9. So, where’s the heart, brain, courage and balloon ride home? Great post, Neil:)

  10. Neil, you are ridiculously funny as usual. You just keep getting better with age – like fine wine.

    By the way, fine wine would have been a good gift, cause let’s face it, your gifts suck.

  11. Um, everything was funny and in good taste until that Snow White link at the end. I want to erase that image from my brain. If I had any idea what it is, I would not have linked to it.
    ~HDJ

  12. Your generousity is truly astounding.

    May I “regift” any of my Neilochka gifts? It would certainly cut down on a lot of my shopping…

  13. I’m still waiting for (a signed copy of) the Neilochka bra, made popular by such posts as your last one . . .

  14. wait! oprah is dedicating an entire SHOW to her craptasticly expensive list of favorite things? dear lord in heaven! she really takes the cake. . .

    i would like to see you in that blogging trucker hat neil. that will REALLY win over the ladies.

    😉 sizz

  15. Oh my…I’m kvelling, I’m schmeking, I’m lekking, I’m plotzing. Such a generous blogger–your mom really did teach you how to share your toys.

  16. I let out a squeal when I read this: “Omigod!!!”

    Will you being doing a post on how we’re all buying the wrong underwear and how the correct kind will lift our penis and make it seem bigger and more perky?

  17. Bill, I think discount flowers are the best penis-enhancers available on the web. Be thankful that Neil is providing those for you.
    Namaste
    ~HDJ

  18. Ms. Sizzle — You’ve never seen Oprah’s My Favorite Things show? You should tape it on Monday. It really is wild and the audience does get all these gifts and goes crazy.

  19. Those In-and-Out burgers look really good. Yum!!!

  20. [this is not a comment. I still didn’t come around. I lie, prostrated on cold black steps of the filming studio, and crazed Neilochka fans step on my limbs in cheering extasy]

  21. That slang book made my week. They say if I order it today, I can get it in time to show off my new vocab to my new Russian relatives at Thanksgiving! Thank you Neil!

  22. Deb — this book will bring your relationship with Alex to a new level.

  23. Hmm, I’m not sure #6 will work. I’m not a short man, but it is after all only a Fairy Tale. Maybe if they’re delusional… 😉

  24. Thanks for the gifts, Neil and Sophia. I’m all fired up to start swearing in Russian.

  25. Who knew Snow White had a landing strip…

  26. guess where i just had lunch –
    and it was “animal style”

    grrrr.

  27. disney-porn! snow white gone wild!

  28. Wow! This is the best blog EVER! This is my first time here & I get to walk away with gifts??? And will you also be sending a picture of your huge penis to NML’s Penis Parade???

  29. LOVE it! I will be sporting my hat, and looking mighty classy too. In N Out Burgers are the best! No anorexia here!

  30. Ok-that was really good. Thanks for visiting my blog. It appears that we have similar humor. No pimps yet? They are quite fun! I’ll be back!

  31. I’ve never heard of In and Out Burgers. But now that I’m moving to California I’m gonna have to try one. And I’ll be sure to wear my “I Heart Blogging” trucker cap when I go, Neil!

    Thanks for all those great gifts. I’m crying and cheering and hyperventilating all at the same time!

  32. Mo, ask you boyfriend about the burgers. I’m curious if he agrees with my opinion.

  33. No cars? You’re not even giving away one stinking car?

    You must have a really small budget for this show.

  34. Jaymarie,
    Neil had no idea what “animal style” was. Here’s a link to the In-N-Out’s secret menu:

    http://www.tiburon-belvedere.com/cgi/home.cgi?c=In_N_Out

  35. I can’t believe they actually called the chain In-N-Out. In my mind, a burger from a place like that would mean the minute it’s in my mouth I want to expell it out.

  36. I went through several of your posts and it is funny. On my way to read about Liberals dating. Definitely one of the funniest blogs I’ve ever read.

  37. Am I the only one who was a little bit SHOCKED by the image at the end? I guess I can’t just wash away all those years of catechism class; the good Catholic girl will always be in me. I don’t know if I can handle reading your blog anymore, Neil. (But I still want some presents.)

  38. In-N-Out is awesome. Love it.

  39. You ever seen that movie where the girl drops dead when her boyfriend makes her laugh? well, that’s me…. but, you’re not my boyfriend… 🙁

    Fitèna

  40. sophia – i had no idea you could get the fries animal style — that sounds heavenly!
    thanks for the secret code.

    (i couldn’t open the link to your name. hmmmm)

  41. *Shrieks wildly*
    Thank you, Neil! I can’t wait to take my goody blog bag home.

  42. keep the flowers, send me the man, I don’t care how tall he is, as long as I can wear heels and he won’t get offended.

  43. Yet another reason why you have so many fans…good post, Neil. What more can I say?

  44. this is so fucked up on so many levels, you’ve really done it this time. neil.

  45. Megan – I am with you. I am having flashbacks to my residency, where I would routinely get unwelcome chain email containing images like that. I think it is disgusting and degrading, not shocking.
    Namaste.
    ~HDJ

  46. As a tall male reader, I didn’t get a present. Judging from the quality of the presents others got, I think I got the better deal.

  47. no cars for us? This sucks.

  48. HDJ —

    You know I love you as one of my dearest readers, but I have to disagree with you. Disgusting and degrading? Surely as someone in the medical profession, you understand the importance of how the mind is important in the healing process. Many of my short readers are depressed and on Prozac, having given up on ever finding a woman who will love them. In fact, the disgusting thing is that so many women actually WROTE in the comments that they would never date anyone short. My gift to them is a life-affirming one, a message to all the short men out there that they too can make a woman happy, despite their height. My hope is that this Christmas and New Year’s, many of my female readers will actually spend a night with a short man, actually making this a true season of “giving.”

    By the way, can you believe that even Sophia approved that?

  49. I am so calling bullshit on your ass.

  50. Today was my very first visit to your blog–do I still get all of the free stuff??

    You have a laugh-out-loud blog here; I’m going to link to your site if that’s okay…

  51. Melissa, OK you got me. I just love making fun of Disney stuff since they still owe me money for some project I once did. It’s always personal.

  52. Oprah’s fav things show is like coming across a bad crash scene.

    You don’t want to look but you can’t help yourself. 15 mins in and you are jumping and screaming along in your living room.

    And your not even getting the gifts—how sad is that.

    Or is that just me?

  53. I watch it every year, including today. I love Oprah, even though it is her fault that she gave us the obnoxious Dr. Phil.

  54. Thanks, Melissa, for the props.
    Neil, I love ya like a brother, but I would voice my opinions to my bro if he posted that link, too.
    Namaste.
    ~HDJ

  55. I’m all geared up for watching Oprah give away her favorite things this afternoon, but now, thanks to the lovely Neil, I’ll have a hot trucker hat and an unhookable bra to rock while watching. So thank you Neil!

  56. If only we could all be as great as Oprah thinks she is…

  57. I’m all about the I heart blogging thong! I’ll be putting that on the top of my Hannukah/Chanukah/Blogmukkah wish list.

  58. goddamn you, Neil.

    i was really enjoying this post until i saw that picture of the two double doubles…and now all i can hear is those fucking terrible radio ads in my head, my stomach growling and me ungracefully salivating on myself.

    thanks a freaking lot.

  59. I’m sorry, but I was under the impression that Sophia’s breasts were your favorite things, or have I misunderstood the basic premise of this post?

  60. Geez, He’s Dead, Jim, I can’t believe you’re such a prude.

  61. Prude? Hardly. Woman? Definitely.

    I look at naked strangers EVERY DAY. People come into my office and they TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES. When I operate on people, sometimes I need to put urine catheters in them. Human anatomy does not offend me. The treatment of women as purely sexual objects does.

    Just because I don’t feel the need to watch pornographic images at random does not make me a “prude.” Because I don’t want to receive links to them in emails or see them as screensavers at work does not make me any less cool. It’s disgusting. And degrading. And I stand by that.
    ~HDJ

  62. Akaky, they are my favorites and I seriously considered sharing them with everyone, but unlike with Oprah’s “free cars” I didn’t want to burden you with the taxes.

    And HDJ — I think you might have missed the point. It is “Dopey” that is being objectified as a “purely sexual object.”

  63. Um, may I generously donate my “gifts” to someone more deserving/needy? (I am nothing if not civic minded!)

  64. Which Dwarf was that? Stallion dwarf? I must have missed him. I guess he had a pretty full social calender and couldn’t make many (public) appearances…

  65. Well, where do I pick them up? Do you need an address to ship them to? I totally love you more than I do Oprah…she is bupkes compared to you Neil 🙂

  66. Oprah’s supposed to be giving away JEWELRY this week!!! Top THAT, Neil. (OK – Those burgers look pretty damn good I’ll give you that!)

  67. Hey Neil ~ I was hoping my boyfriend would have agreed with you about In and Out burgers, but he says his favorite is Carls, Jr. (???) We don’t have either of those here in Cleveland so it doesn’t really mean anything to me at this point. I guess I’ll have to do a little burger experiment when I arrive in California next week! 🙂

  68. Mo, you’ll straighten him out. The woman always does.

    By the way, am I the only one to watch the Oprah show today?

  69. Missed the episode today but the general theme is the same …tons of awesome stuff I’m not getting for free… and an large group of very frantic women and a few stunned and thrilled men.

    and to quote Neil..” There are many ways to a woman’s heart”

    Oh let me show you all the ways *smirk*

  70. Neil, I worked at In N Out for TWO YEARS in college.

    The way you smell when you go home is NOT sexy.

    You gonna blogroll me or not?

    You’re the hotness. 🙂

  71. I just wasn’t expecting to see some shagging going on at the end with that link. I didn’t even notice it at first, being the keen observer that I am. When I finally saw Dopey’s penis enter Snow White (wow, that’s a phrase I NEVER thought I’d say/type), it took me by surprise. Then again, I think I ended up being more shocked that Snow White still had pubes.

    Oh good lord, am I really talking about a dwarf screwing Snow White?

  72. “send me your snail mail and I’ll fire off a toaster ad to you, gratis”

  73. I saw it Neil… Craaaa-zy! If only we had gone to help Katrina victims, we too could be sporting new diamond watches, video ipods, sony laptops, and so much more. I could go for one of those gourmet croissants right about now.

  74. Yes, now there is a good reason to get up and help during the next disaster. Video ipods!

  75. Neil: Is he way awesome, or a tad bit creepy? I remain undecided.

  76. hey, Neil, I actually TRIED to watch that oprah episode yesterday. At 4pm I thought of you and this post and went to watch it. I like to see the crazy Oprah slaves drool and have epileptic fits on tv when Oprah gives them the latest and greatest overpriced goodies. (still, though, I wouldn’t mind getting to be a guest on THAT episode!) Anyway, Celine’s TV isn’t working — so no Oprah for me! 🙁

    What was the big deal gift of the day? Anything worth drooling over? … Let me guess: A video iPod? (Or is that too obvious?)

  77. Thanks for the In-N-Out craving…I haven’t lived in Cali for 4 years and I still miss those burgers!!

  78. guess it helps to read the other comments first. So, Katrina volunteers were invited and they got lots of electronics and food? Wow.

    Now, why didn’t she just invite Katrina VICTIMS? Hmmm…. guess giving away homes or apts isn’t gonna drive the xmas spending season.

  79. Well Neil,

    I finally get some recognition for short men in the form of Snow White. Either that image freaks people out even more or I should thank you for your gift. Either way you meant well buddy and I promise to post on your other pages as well!

    Happy Thanksgiving,

    Bruno

  80. I got a lot of people pissed off just to win you over, Bruno. Now get off you butt and prove those height-obsessed women wrong!

  81. OMG! I HAVE TO HAVE A DOUBLE-DOUBLE RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! You suck, Neil. Thanks for ruining my diet.

  82. i find your site through “peace on that” and i gotta say, anyone who has a photo of in ‘n out’s double doubles on their website is good in my book.

  83. You seem like an intelligent dude, why do you need your estranged wife to be your editor???? Cut the cord already.

  84. Good question, Prairie Girl. It is because I’m an intelligent dude that I convinced my estranged wife to be my editor. Without her, my blog would totally suck.

  85. she is heplless

  86. I sold my entire Disney DVD collection AND waited in line for FOUR DAYS and I didn’t get a damned CAR?!

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