Welcome, readers. I know you are here today thinking that this is just another one of my run-of-the-mill blog posts, but you are in for a…
BIG SURPRISE.
(Hopeful gasp from readership)
In honor of Oprah’s annual over-the-top consumer-fest, Oprah’s Favorite Things 2005, which airs on Monday, I would like to introduce the first annual:
Neilochka’s Favorite Things, 2005!
(Readers cheer wildly)
With the holiday season approaching, I want to offer some great gift-giving ideas. But even more importantly, I want to say THANKS to all the new friends that I have made through this blog this year.
So, here it goes. And remember, most of you will be walking away with GIFTS OF YOUR OWN!
(Readers get up and go crazy)
1)
First up, I would like to thank you all for being such an intelligent and witty group. When I first read you all, I visualized you as being very suave and sophisticated. Unfortunately, I met a few of you and my image of you was quickly destroyed. Some of you dress like real schlubs. To rectify this, I would like to introduce my first favorite thing in the hopes that you will now start to dress as fashionably as you blog.
Yes, I am talking about your very own ‘I Love Blogging" trucker hat!
"I Love Blogging" trucker hats for everyone!
(Readers start chanting, "Neilochka! Neilochka! Rah Rah Rah!")
2)
How many times have your rushed off to work and forgot to read the latest "Citizen of the Month" post? Sure, you can read it later or at work. But wouldn’t you enjoy the post more when it is hot and fresh off the presses? The answer is better time management. For that, you need a timepiece that will always remind you when my latest post is up, and that will always be on Pacific Time. Yes, you are some of the first people in the world to see my new "exclusive" line of watches that I personally designed with Sophia’s assistance.
Yes, it is the "Citizen" brand of watches! Each of you gets a choice of three of the finest watches made in the world!
(Readers scream in joy. Several women take off their tops and wave their hard-to-unhook-bras in the air)
3)
Many of you know that I have a special bond with my female readers. I have never met a group of women who are as smart and sexy as you. I feel I owe you a special thanks for all your love and support. To show you my love, I’d like each of you to have another one of my favorite things of this year: exact replicas of the $3.99 bouquet of slightly wilted flowers that I bought Sophia in an earlier post!
(Several female readers faint. Akaky has to give mouth-to-mouth to Tatyana)
4)
Speaking of Sophia, as my editor, she frequently calls me up to tell me that my post really sucked that day. Sometimes, to better put her point across, she swears at me in Russian, a language known for its elaborate curses. As a talented interpreter, actress and Russian dialect coach, Ms. Sophia Lansky knows all the proper curses in this extremely expressive language. The English language is like Wimpsville compared to Russian. In English, it is considered inflammatory to say "Your mother!" In Russian, they say, "Your mother like this and that, up, down, and around, and their mother, and seven coffins, too!" Maybe because of Russia’s sad history, coffins are big in Russian. You just don’t say, "F–k your mother!" You say "F–k your mother through seven gates while whistling… and in her coffin!"
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not big on cursing, so I’m been trying to catch up to Sophia by studying this book "Dermo!: The Real Russian Tolstoy Never Used!" It is definitely one of my favorites this year. If you always dreamed of cursing like a Russian sailor, this is the book for you. A copy for everyone!
(Readers cheer for Sophia. Some male reader, drunk on vodka, reads from his new book and screams out to Sophia, calling her a "smokin’ hot piece of stuffed cabbage" in Russian.)
5)
I’d like to give a special thank you to all my my anorexic readers. It is your commitment to your unhealthy lifestyle that made my crappiest post into the most popular one. Without you, I wouldn’t have my photos of Nicole Richie hot-linked all over the blogosphere. You are the ones who made this site what it is today — not much.
What? Is that a special guest I see coming it? Yes, it is Nicole Richie herself! And she is bringing each and every "Ana" site reader one of my favorite things — an In-N-Out burger from California’s best hamburger chain!
(The Ana women would cheer, but most of them are too busy stuffing their faces with their first meal all week and then running out to throw up)
6)
Finally, I want to turn my attention to those who are most in need. Because that’s what the Holidays are all about.
I am talking to you, SHORT MEN.
You have been nothing short of miraculous. You are another group of loyal readers, although you never read anything other than this one post about yourselves. But I feel bad for you. For months, my female readers have been shooting you down, saying that a man’s height is more important than anything else. I know many of you feel insecure about your height. That’s why I want to give you the most important gift of all — your self esteem back. This is truly my most favorite thing of 2005 — and it is not a consumer product. It is the knowledge that in matters of love and romance, a man’s height is not the most important thing. There are many ways to a woman’s heart, even when a man is short…
I am so calling bullshit on your ass.
Today was my very first visit to your blog–do I still get all of the free stuff??
You have a laugh-out-loud blog here; I’m going to link to your site if that’s okay…
Melissa, OK you got me. I just love making fun of Disney stuff since they still owe me money for some project I once did. It’s always personal.
Oprah’s fav things show is like coming across a bad crash scene.
You don’t want to look but you can’t help yourself. 15 mins in and you are jumping and screaming along in your living room.
And your not even getting the gifts—how sad is that.
Or is that just me?
I watch it every year, including today. I love Oprah, even though it is her fault that she gave us the obnoxious Dr. Phil.
Thanks, Melissa, for the props.
Neil, I love ya like a brother, but I would voice my opinions to my bro if he posted that link, too.
Namaste.
~HDJ
I’m all geared up for watching Oprah give away her favorite things this afternoon, but now, thanks to the lovely Neil, I’ll have a hot trucker hat and an unhookable bra to rock while watching. So thank you Neil!
If only we could all be as great as Oprah thinks she is…
I’m all about the I heart blogging thong! I’ll be putting that on the top of my Hannukah/Chanukah/Blogmukkah wish list.
goddamn you, Neil.
i was really enjoying this post until i saw that picture of the two double doubles…and now all i can hear is those fucking terrible radio ads in my head, my stomach growling and me ungracefully salivating on myself.
thanks a freaking lot.
I’m sorry, but I was under the impression that Sophia’s breasts were your favorite things, or have I misunderstood the basic premise of this post?
Geez, He’s Dead, Jim, I can’t believe you’re such a prude.
Prude? Hardly. Woman? Definitely.
I look at naked strangers EVERY DAY. People come into my office and they TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES. When I operate on people, sometimes I need to put urine catheters in them. Human anatomy does not offend me. The treatment of women as purely sexual objects does.
Just because I don’t feel the need to watch pornographic images at random does not make me a “prude.” Because I don’t want to receive links to them in emails or see them as screensavers at work does not make me any less cool. It’s disgusting. And degrading. And I stand by that.
~HDJ
Akaky, they are my favorites and I seriously considered sharing them with everyone, but unlike with Oprah’s “free cars” I didn’t want to burden you with the taxes.
And HDJ — I think you might have missed the point. It is “Dopey” that is being objectified as a “purely sexual object.”
Um, may I generously donate my “gifts” to someone more deserving/needy? (I am nothing if not civic minded!)
Which Dwarf was that? Stallion dwarf? I must have missed him. I guess he had a pretty full social calender and couldn’t make many (public) appearances…
Well, where do I pick them up? Do you need an address to ship them to? I totally love you more than I do Oprah…she is bupkes compared to you Neil
Oprah’s supposed to be giving away JEWELRY this week!!! Top THAT, Neil. (OK – Those burgers look pretty damn good I’ll give you that!)
Hey Neil ~ I was hoping my boyfriend would have agreed with you about In and Out burgers, but he says his favorite is Carls, Jr. (???) We don’t have either of those here in Cleveland so it doesn’t really mean anything to me at this point. I guess I’ll have to do a little burger experiment when I arrive in California next week!
Mo, you’ll straighten him out. The woman always does.
By the way, am I the only one to watch the Oprah show today?
Missed the episode today but the general theme is the same …tons of awesome stuff I’m not getting for free… and an large group of very frantic women and a few stunned and thrilled men.
and to quote Neil..” There are many ways to a woman’s heart”
Oh let me show you all the ways *smirk*
Neil, I worked at In N Out for TWO YEARS in college.
The way you smell when you go home is NOT sexy.
You gonna blogroll me or not?
You’re the hotness.
I just wasn’t expecting to see some shagging going on at the end with that link. I didn’t even notice it at first, being the keen observer that I am. When I finally saw Dopey’s penis enter Snow White (wow, that’s a phrase I NEVER thought I’d say/type), it took me by surprise. Then again, I think I ended up being more shocked that Snow White still had pubes.
Oh good lord, am I really talking about a dwarf screwing Snow White?
“send me your snail mail and I’ll fire off a toaster ad to you, gratis”
I saw it Neil… Craaaa-zy! If only we had gone to help Katrina victims, we too could be sporting new diamond watches, video ipods, sony laptops, and so much more. I could go for one of those gourmet croissants right about now.
Yes, now there is a good reason to get up and help during the next disaster. Video ipods!
Neil: Is he way awesome, or a tad bit creepy? I remain undecided.
hey, Neil, I actually TRIED to watch that oprah episode yesterday. At 4pm I thought of you and this post and went to watch it. I like to see the crazy Oprah slaves drool and have epileptic fits on tv when Oprah gives them the latest and greatest overpriced goodies. (still, though, I wouldn’t mind getting to be a guest on THAT episode!) Anyway, Celine’s TV isn’t working — so no Oprah for me!
What was the big deal gift of the day? Anything worth drooling over? … Let me guess: A video iPod? (Or is that too obvious?)
Thanks for the In-N-Out craving…I haven’t lived in Cali for 4 years and I still miss those burgers!!
guess it helps to read the other comments first. So, Katrina volunteers were invited and they got lots of electronics and food? Wow.
Now, why didn’t she just invite Katrina VICTIMS? Hmmm…. guess giving away homes or apts isn’t gonna drive the xmas spending season.
Well Neil,
I finally get some recognition for short men in the form of Snow White. Either that image freaks people out even more or I should thank you for your gift. Either way you meant well buddy and I promise to post on your other pages as well!
Happy Thanksgiving,
Bruno
I got a lot of people pissed off just to win you over, Bruno. Now get off you butt and prove those height-obsessed women wrong!
OMG! I HAVE TO HAVE A DOUBLE-DOUBLE RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! You suck, Neil. Thanks for ruining my diet.
i find your site through “peace on that” and i gotta say, anyone who has a photo of in ‘n out’s double doubles on their website is good in my book.
You seem like an intelligent dude, why do you need your estranged wife to be your editor???? Cut the cord already.
Good question, Prairie Girl. It is because I’m an intelligent dude that I convinced my estranged wife to be my editor. Without her, my blog would totally suck.
she is heplless
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I sold my entire Disney DVD collection AND waited in line for FOUR DAYS and I didn’t get a damned CAR?!