the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Lies and Lying


Lies and lying has been a theme for me this week, whether it is "lying" on my blog or "lying" to a salesman in a mattress store.   I notice that many bloggers involved in online dating also write a lot about "lying," particularly about daters who lie on their online profiles.  Hilary recently wrote about a date she had where the man wasn’t as tall or had as much hair as his online profile had indicated.  I also hear of online daters posting photos of themselves from ten years ago.

I’m no Mr. Morality.  I’ve lied as much as anyone.  Recently, I went on a job interview at a major movie studio to work in their "internet" division.  A friend advised me not to mention my writing because human resources will be afraid that I’ll be running around passing out scripts rather than working (which is probably true).  So, I fudged a little on my resume.  I didn’t feel very guilty about it.

The difference between my lie and lying on your online profile is that I was pretty sure I would get away with it.   That’s not the case with going out on a date.   If your online profile says you are 33 years old, 6’2", with a full head of hair, and it attracts someone of the opposite sex, eventually you’re going to have to meet this woman in person — and then they are clearly going to see that you are 53 years old, 5’6" and bald. 

So why lie?  Do you really think that "just getting into the front door" applies to dating?

When I start online dating, I’m going to take the opposite route.  I’m not going to say how wonderful I am.    This will just ultimately lead to a woman’s disappointment.   Instead, I’m going to try to make myself look as bad as possible, so after the date, the woman will say to herself, "You know what — he wasn’t as bad as I thought."

I understand human psychology. 

Think about movies.  When a studio goes all out promoting a movie, aren’t you inevitably disappointed with the actual film?  I don’t need to see "The Fantastic Four."  Whenever a movie has tie-ins with a burger chain, I know the movie will suck.   It’s always those unassuming movies like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" that surprise you and win your heart.

In preparation for my online dating career, here’s a glimpse of what my profile will eventually look like:

  • I am 6 feet tall, which I know is a big plus for you women.  But I frequently slouch, making me look much shorter.
  • I am thin, but I noticed that I gained weight when I was living with Sophia.  If I ever get married again, assume that I will get fatter.
  • I still have my hair, but it is thinning a bit and I’m also getting grayer.  My father has a bald spot in back, so I can assume the same thing will happen to me in a few years.
  • I attended an Ivy League college, but it wasn’t one of the really prestigious schools like Harvard or Yale.  
  • I have friends who are successful doctors, lawyers, and movie directors.  I am none of the above.
  • I’m smart, but I know plenty of people smarter.  I can do the Los Angeles Times Sunday crossword puzzle, but I can never finish the New York Tmes Sunday puzzle.
  • I’ve been married once, and it was a rocky marriage.  My wife says everything was my fault, and she is probably right.  I would definitely get married again, but really — why would anyone want to marry me?

Sophia knows me best of all.  Let’s bring her in for a final personal recommendation.

Neil and financial security:  (Sophia laughs for 2 minutes)

Neil in the bedroom:  Sophia says, "He falls asleep after sex.  Sometimes, I fall asleep during sex."

Here’s my current photo.


Date me!  You’ll see that I’m not as bad as you thought!

Now isn’t that better than lying?


  1. Jack

    I’d date you, but my wife might be jealous. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. Megan

    I’m going back to my old standby list for potential men: 1. has a job and 2. no prison record. Why want more? You’ve just proved to me what the men out there are really like.

    (BTW, I think you are hilarious. I’m so happy I found your site!)

  3. Josia

    I’m crying!!!

  4. Neil

    A free date with me for the first person who can correctly name the character of the photo showed.

  5. JJ MacMillan

    That is Cornelius from Planet of the Apes.

    I would like to go to a steak restaurant. Someplace nice, like Chuck Wagon or one of those places where they cut off your tie if you’re wearing one. Also, no skimping on the cocktails. If you don’t have a nice car, rent one. I can’t be seen being picked in some POS. I’ll see you at 7:00.

  6. Megarita

    Hilarious. I’ve been down the primrose path of online dating and garnered more than a few great stories. Not as many outright lying liars as some, it would seem, but enough to send me skittering back to being set up by friends! I think you wear the Loverboy red leather pants and just be yourself. Become the pants…

  7. Jack

    I loved those Planet of the Ape movies. Where is Chuck Heston when we need him.

  8. introspectre

    Ah, yes. Looking good, a little hairy but hey, nobodys perfect…

    This post amused me and also made me think back to the one time I tried internet dating. I went on Lavalife and made a profile. Since I didn’t really give a crap about impressing anyone, it was incredibly realistic. I didn’t bother to gloss over a thing “neurotic geek who loves Weird Al and Star Wars and has serious issues, likes being alone, somewhat of a hermet”. I just didn’t care about getting a date- I just wanted to surf and look at cute guys while I was up with insomnia, but damn Lavalife insisted I make a profile before I could look. So I did. Damn it all if I didn’t end up meeting the man of my dreams and now we’re engaged.

    Had I been trying to impress anyone I doubt I would have been so straight forward, and that would have been a loss.
    Honesty gets you what you really want.

  9. amanda

    okay, so i would likely date you just for being silly. i love it. and yes, to answer the question you posted on my site, i have juggled an orange here or there. thanks for visiting me. i’ll definitely be back soon.

  10. meme

    Megan: add onto that list 3. Does not have a blog where he will chronical all dating shenanigans.

  11. psychotoddler

    That is a great strategy.

    I thought Roddy McDowell was dead?

    Jack: I tried to watch a Chuck Heston Movie last night (Soylent Green) and my wife made me turn it off.

    Is this comment off topic or what?

  12. sunshine

    Neil and JJ,
    Let us know how the date goes!

  13. anonymous city girl

    Make sure to keep the part where you mention your ex.. women love that.
    Or better yet, add in that you aren’t actually divorced yet and neither of you has filed for anything yet.

  14. Edgy Mama

    No way, Meme. Online dating is GREAT blog fodder. Neil, please, please don’t shut us out once you take the leap into the lust pool.

    Except the soon-to-be-divorced part, you’ve just described Enviro-spouse, except the bald spot is becoming reality for him!

  15. Modigli

    It doesn’t look like you inherited that balding gene from you dad in THAT photo! LOL! ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. alley rat

    If i didn’t already have a bald boyfriend, I’d answer your ad.

  17. Neil

    Amanda — Before the date, nude photos of you juggling, please…

    Meme — With those restrictions, we’re not going to work out. Damn it, because you seemed pretty hot!

    Introspectre — stop depressing us with your happy love life

    Psychotoddler — I don’t know how this got started, but soylent green is one weird flick

    Anonymous — More women talked to me when when I wore a wedding ring than now. What do you say now?

    Modigli — You don’t see the backside of the photo.

    JJ — You’re not what I hoped for, but I guess you won fair and square. Maybe I should have asked a question about “The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants” instead. One question before I decide what shoes to wear — how tall are you?

  18. The Moviequill

    is that a trick photograph? are you sure that isn’t Caesar?… I met my wife online and we didn’t lie which is probably the reason we are still together all these years (I did lie about one thing though but this is a family blog right?) ha

  19. mrsmogul

    I worked at a movie studio and did promotions. THEY LIE ALL THE TIME! It’s like this movie really sucks so let’s pump it up!

  20. meme

    Oh Neil, as long as you use my new psuedonym “BLOGHOTTIE”, k?

  21. anonymous city girl

    Anonymous รขโ‚ฌโ€ More women talked to me when when I wore a wedding ring than now. What do you say now?

    Cause with a wedding ring you were just a quick lay without any entanglement (on her part of course)… but I’m just guessing… I would have no idea why… ok I am going to shut up now.

  22. anonymous city girl

    Well that above or they saw you as completely asexual and safe. You choose which you prefer.

  23. Neil

    Moviequill — I think you’re just jealous of my date with JJ.

    Meme — deal!

    Mrs. Mogul — So, that was you that inflicted Robocop 2 on us?

    Anonymous — I like the “stud” version better.

  24. Brooke

    I want you to know that I have broken up with JJ so that the two of you can explore this new relationship. Oh this blog world is so cruel!

    By the way, where are your lips?

  25. Neil

    Ever kissed a man with no lips before?

  26. ubermilf

    Roddy McDowall is dead. But I heard he was, um, one of nature’s wonders.

    I would date you, Neil, but I’m a one-ape woman.

  27. Neil

    Uber — I’m not going to ask you how you knew that interesting fact about former Hollywood star Roddy McDowall, but since I’m a curious type, I did a little googling and darn it — you were right!

    “In the Kitty Kelley book My Way, (a biography about Frank Sinatra) Sinatra at one of his parties decided to find out who was the most well endowed male celebrity, and so ordered the male guests to expose their members as a kind of contest. Roddy put everyone to shame, apparently.”

  28. Brooke

    So Roddy lived up to his name – interesting. I have a whole new respect for him now. Which is not to say I ever had any respect for him before.

  29. ubermilf

    As anyone who knows me will tell you, I store unusual facts and music lyrics in my brain. Where did I first learn it? Hell if I know.

  30. M.A.

    I think that it is very smart to undervalue yourself in the online dating world, but will you look for a woman who does the same thing?

  31. The Moviequill

    when are you going to tell Brooke that Cornelious doesn’t shave his back and she should just forget all aspirations of getting simian this weekend?

  32. Jo-Anne

    This comment thread is a riot! You all have me wanting to look up references to Soylent Green and Roddy McDowell now.

  33. mary

    I’ve been dating online since back when all the sites were free – long time. I never got the reason for lying about how you look but I’ve definitely seen my share of freaks, geeks and hotties. It’s a crap shoot.

  34. introspectre


  35. Helena

    Primates make me hot.

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