the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Stretching the Jamba Juice


The following is taken verbatim from the Jamba Juice newsletter "Jamba Whirl" that I picked up at my local Jamba Juice (true!):

When Shellie Wilkinson first walked into Jamba Juice in October 2003, she wasn’t thinking about losing weight or changing lifestyle.  She was simply hungry — and wanted something to boost her energy level. 

But it wasn’t long before Shellie realized that drinking down a delicious smoothie (with a shot of wheatgrass on the side) was the perfect alternative to a fatty, fast food lunch.  It tasted great, filled her up, and even better, it let her feel energized.  After about a month, she was already a few pounds lighter.

"I started going every day, and pretty soon everyone at Jamba knew me," says Shellie, 37, an entrepreneur and mother of two who lives in Santa Barbara, CA.  "I would get in line, and by the time it was my turn to pay, my smoothie would be ready!"

Her newly found energy also inspired her to purse a new passion:  karate.  She and a friend signed up for lessons, and she began going three hours a week.  Other changes followed:  she gave up alcohol, stopped eating after 6 p.m. and prepared lighter, healthier dinners. 

The result?  In one year, Shellie lost 60 pounds and dropped from a size 16 to a size 8.  She’s now a fit 146 pounds and has earned a purple belt in karate.

"I had tried every diet out there," she explains.  "Nothing worked.  I realized Jamba smoothies offered good carbs, nutrition and energy and when combined with my other lifestyle changes, the weight just started coming off.  Thank you, Jamba!"

I like Jamba Juice smoothies, but do you really think Shellie lost all that weight by drinking the almost 400 caloried Jamba Juice smoothies every day — and not from the other things she did?

If I wake up every morning and play with myself for an hour, then jog for ten miles, then give up alcohol, and then eat a salad every day for lunch — can I really say that playing with myself every morning made me lose 60 pounds? 

Jared and Subway.  Shellie and Jamba Juice.   The "Citizen of the Month"’s revolutionary new diet plan. 

Could I write a book, "Playing With Yourself —  Into Thinness!"?   Would Oprah take me as a guest?


  1. Susan

    How dare you question the magical properties of the Jamba?! 😉

  2. Jim

    You WILL play yourself into thinness, if you play with yourself an hour a day, but not where you want to…

  3. Tatyana

    Determination and persistence will carry you everywhere.
    And remember – it’s all in your head!

  4. Jack

    Play with yourself for an hour. Lots of different ways to go with that, maybe you should include that in your ad.

    Tell the ladies that you are capable of playing with yourself for an hour, hint that you are blessed with natural viagra or some such thing. It might improve the response rate. 😉

  5. Neil

    Uh… as they say at the bottom of the Jamba Juice newsletter —

    * Results may not be typical.

  6. Megarita

    A friend of mine and I were discussing last night how our workout plans depend largely on whether or not we’re having good sex. That’s a good calorie burner. Far better than the gym. Shagging Yourself Slim is the tentative title, manuscript forthcoming. Perhaps we can release them as a two-volume set, much like Oprah and her Faulkner Gift Set.

  7. Pauly D

    Shellie never said she drank the juices. She just went to karate with one, dumped it on her head, and lost all the weight in doing so!

    Wooo hoooo!

  8. The Moviequill

    it only works if you do it for TWO hours/day (or so I’ve heard)

  9. Modigli

    400 calories for a jamba juice?!!!
    What’s so healthy about that?! It’s probably loaded with sugar, those losers. I don’t get it — it’s so much cheaper/healthier to just buy and eat the REAL FRUIT!!! (geee… what a concept!) DUH to anyone who falls for the Jamba Juice Mumbo Jumbo!

  10. alley rat

    I see your new career as a Learning Annex instructor, teaching workshops and doing demonstrations.

  11. leese

    Playing with yourself isn’t as effective in burning calories as playing with someone.

  12. Jo-Anne

    I agree with Megarita. Not that I have had this experience recently, but I in the past I have found that having sex for 5 hours a day will promote weight loss.

  13. Neil

    5 hours a day! Boy, you “modern” women really do want it all!

  14. meme

    I smell a potential marketing campaign for Jamba Juice with the byproducts of your fruitful endeavours. We’ll call it the Jambochka. I’m calling corporate right now.

  15. Lauren

    I think the “sex” diet only works because you’ve forgoten to eat while trying out every position under the sun with your new sparing partner. You’re full up on “love”.

  16. amanda

    teehee…maybe you could strike a deal to have your book sold exlusively at jamba juice, oh, and those rub-and-tug “happy ending” massage parlors, too.

  17. Edgy Mama

    Do you play with yourself for an hour because it takes that long? Or is it a multitudinous hour? Makes a difference in terms of caloric burn.

  18. Neil

    This was supposed to be a commentary on Jamba Juice’s misleading advertising and those phony before-and-after advertisements. I didn’t mean for my poor-attempt-at-an-analogy to be the only interest of the post. Where are all your minds at? I think you need some “on-line dating” (euphenism) more than I do. Of course, I don’t play with myself every morning. I take Tuesdays off to catch up with Sunday’s New York Times book review section.

  19. Brooke

    What about a Jamba Juice/masturbation weight loss plan? I think your people and the Jamba people should do lunch.

  20. :: jozjozjoz ::

    I just don’t think a smoothie is any kind of filling… but that’s just me!

  21. Tatyana

    Neil, this is the best thing I’ve read today,
    I don’t play with myself every morning. I take Tuesdays off to catch up with Sunday’s New York Times book review section.

    I can only hope you lubricate NYT criticisms, if only with Jamba Juice, for a satisfying relief…

  22. Anonymous City Girl

    Well if it’s a choice between the subway diet, the jamba juice diet, and neil’s rub one out diet… I’m going with neil’s.

  23. Claven

    Do not, I repeat DO NOT play with yourself for an hour and follow it with a run…

  24. meghan

    i think the key is that shellie’s jamba juice had the secret treat of semen in it, added by her local masturbartory clerk…. and we all know that man juice melts the fat off a lady’s hips, right?

  25. Michael Blowhard

    Wait: masturbation … “Smoothies” … Soon someone’s going to be cracking jokes about “the creamsicle diet.”

  26. shanaia

    Yes JAmba juice can really allow you to lose weight. You can’t characterize jamba Juice to have 400 calories because Razzmatazz has about 250ish calories. I worked at JAmba Juice and got free smoothies on the shifts I worked. I would aways get Razzmatazz with light orange sherbet with extra raspberries. With Fiber and Burner boost, doing that for like a month or so, I was able to lose approximately 40 pounds.

  27. wilson

    nope! shellie is my sister and thats exactly what she did and how it happened! you can talk all the shit you want but the jamba juice worked great for her, and she has kept the weight off ever since.
    wilson gil

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial