Lies and lying has been a theme for me this week, whether it is "lying" on my blog or "lying" to a salesman in a mattress store.   I notice that many bloggers involved in online dating also write a lot about "lying," particularly about daters who lie on their online profiles.  Hilary recently wrote about a date she had where the man wasn’t as tall or had as much hair as his online profile had indicated.  I also hear of online daters posting photos of themselves from ten years ago.

I’m no Mr. Morality.  I’ve lied as much as anyone.  Recently, I went on a job interview at a major movie studio to work in their "internet" division.  A friend advised me not to mention my writing because human resources will be afraid that I’ll be running around passing out scripts rather than working (which is probably true).  So, I fudged a little on my resume.  I didn’t feel very guilty about it.

The difference between my lie and lying on your online profile is that I was pretty sure I would get away with it.   That’s not the case with going out on a date.   If your online profile says you are 33 years old, 6’2", with a full head of hair, and it attracts someone of the opposite sex, eventually you’re going to have to meet this woman in person — and then they are clearly going to see that you are 53 years old, 5’6" and bald. 

So why lie?  Do you really think that "just getting into the front door" applies to dating?

When I start online dating, I’m going to take the opposite route.  I’m not going to say how wonderful I am.    This will just ultimately lead to a woman’s disappointment.   Instead, I’m going to try to make myself look as bad as possible, so after the date, the woman will say to herself, "You know what — he wasn’t as bad as I thought."

I understand human psychology. 

Think about movies.  When a studio goes all out promoting a movie, aren’t you inevitably disappointed with the actual film?  I don’t need to see "The Fantastic Four."  Whenever a movie has tie-ins with a burger chain, I know the movie will suck.   It’s always those unassuming movies like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" that surprise you and win your heart.

In preparation for my online dating career, here’s a glimpse of what my profile will eventually look like:

  • I am 6 feet tall, which I know is a big plus for you women.  But I frequently slouch, making me look much shorter.
  • I am thin, but I noticed that I gained weight when I was living with Sophia.  If I ever get married again, assume that I will get fatter.
  • I still have my hair, but it is thinning a bit and I’m also getting grayer.  My father has a bald spot in back, so I can assume the same thing will happen to me in a few years.
  • I attended an Ivy League college, but it wasn’t one of the really prestigious schools like Harvard or Yale.  
  • I have friends who are successful doctors, lawyers, and movie directors.  I am none of the above.
  • I’m smart, but I know plenty of people smarter.  I can do the Los Angeles Times Sunday crossword puzzle, but I can never finish the New York Tmes Sunday puzzle.
  • I’ve been married once, and it was a rocky marriage.  My wife says everything was my fault, and she is probably right.  I would definitely get married again, but really — why would anyone want to marry me?

Sophia knows me best of all.  Let’s bring her in for a final personal recommendation.

Neil and financial security:  (Sophia laughs for 2 minutes)

Neil in the bedroom:  Sophia says, "He falls asleep after sex.  Sometimes, I fall asleep during sex."

Here’s my current photo.


Date me!  You’ll see that I’m not as bad as you thought!

Now isn’t that better than lying?