Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

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My Last Post, Redone as Rated G

December 7, 2007 / / 13 Comments

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I got flack over the last post I wrote from Sophia, my mother, and the estate of Irving Berlin.   Who advertises a holiday concert with smut like that? 

They’re absolutely right.   The holidays are a time for family, and I want your entire family — including your adorable, fresh-faced children — to be able to enjoy the festivities of the Christmahanukwanzaakah concert.

For that reason, I’d like to move the last post one down since it is NSFC (not safe for children), and remind you about the concert once again, this time in a sugar-plum fairy, wholesome way fit for all ages.

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Wholesome Santa and the Radio City Rockettes

Remember, the concert is Monday.    All materials must be in by Sunday night.   Happy Hanukkah!  Merry Christmas!  Ho Ho Ho!  All the best during this holiday season, boys and girls!

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Irving Berlin:  “You know, I thought the last post was pretty funny.”

Neilochka:  “Thanks, Irv.”

Irving Berlin:  “Nice bunch of Rockettes up there.  You know, in my day, I shtupped quite a few Rockettes.”

Neilochka:  “Really?  Hmmm, I’d like to hear all about it, but tell me after the holidays…”

Irving Berlin:  “There was this one dancer named Marion.   She was so limber, she could lift her leg over her head.  As you could imagine, this came in quite handy when…”

Neilochka:  “Irving… Irving… later!   After the holidays!!   For now, this blog is strictly G-rated — nice, not naughty”

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The Ghost of Christmas Concerts Future

December 7, 2007 / / 26 Comments

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Two days ago, I was feeling very Grinch-like. 

“Why am I hosting this stupid holiday online concert?” I asked myself as I shuffled along Wilshire Boulevard, spitting on the floor.  “I don’t even like Christmas.  I don’t even celebrate the holiday.” 

I walked by a make-shift Christmas tree lot, set-up in the parking lot of a Chinese restaurant.  There was fake snow on the floor and tinny Christmas music was playing on a lonely speaker on the ground.  

“Bah, Humbug!” I said.  “I’m going to cancel the damn concert.  I don’t care about holidays and I don’t give a s**t about other bloggers anyway.  All they care about is advertising and links and NaBloPoMo and Facebook.  And their so-called “Holiday cheer” is fakery!  After the holiday, they just go back to stabbing each other in the back.”

That night, I started writing a blog post explaining why I was canceling the contest, and basically insulting every blogger I’ve ever met as a narcissistic loser or nutcase. 

“Why I should even write this blog for free when they all should be paying me $100 dollar a day each for the honor to read one of my posts.   Let Dooce entertain the masses.  I’m better than that!”

All the anxiety must have made me very sleepy, because I fell asleep on the couch before I had a chance to press “Publish.”

I was awaken suddenly by the presence of a shadowy figure.

“Sophia?”  I asked.  “Is that you?”

“No, Neil.  It is your father.”

It was the ghost of my late father.

“Dad?  What do you want?”

“What is this bulls**t about you cancelling the concert this year?”

“Eh, what’s it all for?  Hanukkah is already half over.  And we’re Jewish.  We don’t even celebrate Christmas.”

“But don’t you remember how much I loved Christmas?”

My father reminded me about how he dressed-up like Santa every year in the hospital he worked at.

“Well, you’re a more caring man than I am.  I’m selfish.  I ask you, “What’s in it for ME?”

My father’s ghost started to fade.

“Dad, where are you going?”

“Neilochka, my son, your heart has turned to stone.  I’m unable to change your ways.  Now the BIG GUN will come for you.”

“The big gun?  What are you talking about?  Who are you talking about? Are you talking about God himself?”

The entire living room shook like the Northridge Earthquake.   Smoke filled the room and another ghost walked towards me.  He was an older man, short, and smoked a cigar.  He was dressed in a brown suit and had bushy eyebrows.

“Neilochka… Neilochka…” he spoke…

“Who are YOU?!   You’re not God?

“Of course I’m not God, you schmuck.  I’m Irving Berlin.”

“Irving Berlin?  You’re the big gun?”

“Irving Berlin.  Born Israel Isidore Baline.  A nice Jewish boy like you.  My father was a cantor who certified kosher meat.”

“So what?  What do YOU want from me?”

“I also had my doubts about Christmas when I was your age.  What do I know about Jesus?  But then I said to myself, “What do these goyishe shmendricks know about writing a good Christmas song?  It takes a Yiddishe mind to come up with “White Christmas.”  You let some white bread in a cardigan like Bing Crosby sing it.  He gets the credit, but you get the dames.”

“The dames?  You got the dames from writing a Christmas song?”

“Come, Neilochka, let me take you to my Christmas past.”

Irving Berlin took my hand and we flew out the window.  We flew from Redondo Beach to Hollywood… and then into the past.  The Hotel Roosevelt on Hollywood Boulevard dissolved from 2007 to the time of the Golden Age of Hollywood.   It looked pretty much the same, just more glamorous.  We found ourselves in a penthouse room.   In front of the two of us was a scene from the past –  a younger Irving Berlin in bed with four Hollwood starlets.  

“You see, Neilochka.  Shiksas just love Jewish men who can write a good Christmas song…”

My eyed widened in astonishment.

“You mean if I put on the Christmahanukwanzaakah concert this year with all these female bloggers around… I will…?”  I asked.

“First… let me show you what will happen if you DON’T put on the Christmahanukwanzaakah concert this year.”

I grabbed the composer’s hand and back we flew to Redondo Beach, into the future — to MY FUTURE.  Time blew away like the wind and we found ourselves  in my  living room, watching the future Neilochka.  It was Christmas eve 2007 and I was sitting by myself, the laptop in front of me… my pants down…

“My God, what am I… am I looking at online photos of Penelope Cruz and playing with myself?!”

“That’s what it looks like!”  said Irving Berlin.  “Ha Ha!  The best part is that in a second, Sophia is going to enter the house with friends she invited over for some coffee and cake, and everyone is going to be shocked, especially the couple’s young daughter.”

“This is horrible.  I can’t stand it.  Stop it!  Stop the future!”

“What about the concert…”

“OK, OK, I’ll have the Christmahanukwanzaakah concert.  Just take me from this future.  Take me away.”  I screamed, sobbing…

I grabbed the arm of the ghost’s jacket and we flew out the window and into the night sky.  I was still crying.

“I understand now.  Thank you!  Thank you for letting me see what could happen.  I am a changed man!  I’ll never badmouth the Christmahanukwanzaakah concert again.  It is my duty to host the concert.  I want to be that inspiration, like you.  I want to make people happy.  I want to please those female bloggers so much that I get four shiksas in my bed, just like you did!  Please, Mr. Berlin.  Show me the alternative future.  Show me my REAL Christmas eve this year after I host the Christmahanukwanzaakah concert.

Time swirled around us like a  tornado and we were suddenly back in my living room on Christmas Eve 2007.

“Here is your REAL future, Neilochka.”

I was sitting on the couch, still leering at photos of Penelope Cruz, playing with myself.  Sophia was about to open the front door, her friends behind her.

“WTF?!” I yelled. “It’s the exact same future as before!  What about the concert?  What happened to me shtupping MY four shiksas?!”

“The concert was great.  But you with four women?  What the hell do you want from me, you nudnik?  A miracle?   I’m only Irving Berlin, not God!” 

The 2007 Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert —

— is Monday, December 10th.  If you want to participate, send me an audio file or a link by Sunday, December 9th.  The songs I’ve already received are absolutely terrific, a great combination of fun and heartfelt!  If you are unable (or too wimpy) to sing, you can help “decorate” the set by sending me a Holiday photo of your family, your tree, your menorah, or something seasonal.   Or recite a poem.   Or make a video of you juggling snowballs.  If you are still having trouble recording your song, email me.

So far, we already have versions of Have Yourself a Very Merry Christmas, Sleigh Ride, and Silent Night.  You are welcome to do another version if you would like.  Remember to say what song you are working on in the comments so we won’t have too many duplicates.

Have fun making music!

How Many Jews Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

December 5, 2007 / / 19 Comments

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Happy Hanukkah!

I hate to get all Al Gore on you on a fun holiday like Hanukkah, but I love when traditions are reinterpreted. And what is Hanukah all about anyway? — energy!

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The temple lights worked for eight days when there is was only enough for one, thanks to God’s Miracle. As Jews, we believe that we should be helping God with His miracles. Who knows if this global warming threat is as severe as some say? I don’t think anyone can argue that issues of energy and the environment are essential to our lives. Maybe Hanukkah can finally come out under Christmas’ shadow by being about a little bit more than dreidels and latkes:

via PJVoice:

Sometimes issues like global warming seem beyond our reach – but they are quite easy to address when a lot of us take the same steps together. Here is a painless step – one that can even save you money – to reduce our energy consumption. And cut back the greenhouse gas that we (indirectly) generate by using electricity, raising the issue of global warming.

JCPA (the Jewish Council for Public Affairs) and COEJL (the Coalition on the Environment and Jewish Life) have announced a program entitled “A Light Among the Nations — How Many Jews Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?”

Here is the main step in the program: For Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights, purchase and install an energy efficient, cost effective compact fluorescent light (CFL) bulb.

If you could conserve energy and help stop global warming in one simple step, wouldn’t you want to act? CFLs use 75% less energy than incandescent light bulbs. This means less production of greenhouse gas emissions, air pollution, and toxic waste. COEJL calculates that if every U.S. household replaced one bulb with a CFL, it would have the same impact as removing one million cars from the road.

So take this one easy action — install at least one energy efficient, cost effective compact fluorescent light (CFL) bulb to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. For more information visit A Light Among Nations.

Of course, sometimes old-fashioned energy works better.  I certainly wouldn’t want my latkes cooked by solar power.

Jennifer Love Hewitt and the Los Angeles Times Ad

December 4, 2007 / / 49 Comments

As long time readers of this blog know, I’m a stick-in-the-mud about certain things, such as advertising.  I have no problem promoting you or your photography, but it really bugs me to think of myself as advocating something I don’t believe in or know, just because I’m being paid.  Every few weeks, I’m writing another meandering post about putting up advertising, blah blah blah.  I know, it’s getting boring.  It’s just that I consider what’s on the page as ON THE PAGE, and I find it difficult not connecting the two.  A few weeks ago, I made fun of a huge Burger King advertisement on all of the blogs with BlogHer ads.  I like Burger King.  And maybe you do, too.  I just don’t want to see you complaining about the obesity of America when you are pocketing from the promotion. 

There was a lot of buzz yesterday about these photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt that showed up on TMZ, mocking her because the now size 2 actress was supposedly “fat.”  Here’s a photo of her ass. 

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Frankly, I would have no problem holding that ass. 

Most of the buzz about this non-topic revolved around the nasty reader comments on the site, like “Looks like somebody needs to do some jogging….BADLY!!” or sleazy TMZ’s sarcastic headlines, making jokes about “I Know Where She ATE last summer.”  Of course, being me, what I most noticed on the site were all the advertisements on the sidebar– from ATT, the Los Angeles Times, and others.   It’s a free country, TMZ is very successful, and it is owned by Time Warner.  It is smart to advertise with TMZ.  However, I now consider ATT and the Los Angeles Times as advocates of unhealhy body images for women, and the mocking of anyone over a size 0.  Hey, they are the ones PAYING for this type of crap to be put on the internet.

So, I don’t feel bad at all saying that the Los Angeles Times hates people with bigger than size zero asses.  “That’s ridiculous!” you might say.  I don’t.  You wanted me to notice your advertisment, LA Times.  And I did.  So, I consider this an endorsement of the content on the page.  I bet you that your ass isn’t as nice as Jennifer’s anyway.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Exhibit at the Guggenheim Museum

A Screenwriter’s Life

December 3, 2007 / / 28 Comments

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Health stuff, marital ups and downs, the sarcastic wit of the gods, and especially — my own poor mental focus, have not been kind to my writing. Except for blogging, of course, which flourishes in times of chaos, I haven’t been working on any projects lately that could advance my career.  One blogger once suggested I combine some of the better posts into a book, but for the life of me, I have no idea what type of book that would be or WHO would buy it.  Even my own mother would probably wait until it was half-price at the Strand Bookstore in Manhattan.  Still, lately, I have been feeling inspired, half from therapy and half from seeing the tenacity of others, like Laurie, who accomplished her life-long goal of getting published.

Hmm… what could my book be about? —

“Me and My Penis” by Neilochka

“Separated but Unequal: My Marriage to Sophia.” by Neilochka

“One Man’s Spiritual Search for ABBA” by Neilochka

“Payola and the Promoter: The True Story Behind the Chrismahanukwanzaakah Concert” by Neilochka

 Eh, I’m more of a fiction person, anyway.

However, since this is Hollywood, I’m going to first start on another screenplay (bleh!). I was hoping to dump the Hollywood scene because I’m not much of a schmoozer. I know some of you are grumbling about the Writer’s Guild Strike and all these selfish multi-millionaire writers, but be assured — they are not the norm. I’m sympathetic to the crew members who are losing their jobs, but I don’t consider them “small guys.” These are well paid craftspeople who make a good living because of THEIR own unions! The strike is not just about the big-time writers. This strike opens the door for everyone in Hollywood to share in whatever profits are made from new outlets. Both Sophia and I supplement our incomes from residuals from projects completed years ago.

About two months ago, I received an email from an independent director in town (he made one film that did well at a film festival). He liked some of my posts and wanted to know if I wanted to work on some pitches with him. A well-known producer had seen his film and was anxious to hear some ideas — something comedic and Apatow-ish. We met a few times and we got along pretty well. We’re not officially “partners” as of yet, but we decide to join forces. We each offered something different — he was more “artsy” and I wrote better sex gags. The producer was looking specifically for certain types of projects, including scripts that might appeal to single men (you know, films about a bunch of guys looking to get laid — not that I would know anything about this subject!) However, since I’m not currently on the dating scene (and never actually picked up any women EVER), I had to do a little research to get ready. I had never even heard of the term “Wingman” before this year. Now, after watching the full “Pick-up Artist” and every Maxim magazine of 2007, I have an intimate understanding of the horny 24 year-old male (and his lingo, dude!)

My writing “partner” and I were supposed to meet with the producer two weeks ago — but just our luck, the Writer’s Strike! We certainly didn’t want to meet with him, even informally, during a strike, or we would be as bad as Jay Leno not paying his laid-off staff. So, we wait… and wait..

There is an art to pitching in Hollywood. You get together a couple of good stories and tell them verbally to the producer or development person, trying to get him excited enough to pay you to go on to the next step — writing something! If this fails for us, we might actually just write the script on spec — like real men. I actually prefer to write the script first, but since we have this opportunity to pitch it and make a few bucks, we might as well go for it. I have a habit of getting down on myself, so I’m trying to remain positive. It’s THE SECRET!

There are some writers who are known as brilliant pitchers. They stand in front of their listener, looking all confident, and spin sentences like “This story is “Harry Meets Sally” meets ‘Pirates of the Caribben” — neurotic New York couple travel to the past and become pirates!

Producer: “I want that! It’s a deal. Here’s a million dollars!”

We still don’t know when we will get a chance to pitch. It depends on the strike. I’m also supposed to go to New York for two weeks very soon. I hope this doesn’t screw up my plans.

Today, I called up my partner and said we should practice our verbal pitches over and over, just to be ready. The trouble is that both of us get distracted by life at home. The solution — we’re going to hole up in a hotel for two days and just work undistracted (yeah, right)! So later on today, I’m going to kiss Sophia, say Happy Hanukkah, and disappear for a day or so and room with some guy I hardly know. I hope we get two beds. So if I don’t blog, you know where I am. Well, you actually won’t — but it will probably be at some dumpy Comfort Inn in Torrance without wireless.

The First Annual Blogger Holiday Online Arts and Crafts Fair

November 30, 2007 / / 60 Comments

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Arts and Crafts Fair Poster Girl Villanovababy

Welcome to the first ever Blogger Holiday Online Arts and Crafts Fair. 

This is your opportunity to be introduced to the artistic work of some of your favorite bloggers.  It’s the holiday season… the time for gift-giving.  Why not give a unique and handmade gift to your loved ones and friends this year — and support a fellow blogger at the same time?  I think you’ll find a varied group of artists, photograhers, and crafty folk represented here on this page.

Feel free to browse, both here and on the participants’ shopping pages.  You don’t have to buy.  Just enjoy looking at the work of those who are more talented than you, artistic geniuses who make you feel like an uncreative loser.  Ha Ha, of course that is a joke.  You don’t feel bad at all.  They’re ARTISTS.  Chances are that you drive a much nicer car. You get the last laugh!  Thank god for business school!

Of course no arts and craft fair would be complete without some food and entertainment.  Please nosh on our delicious homemade bagels, courtesy of Deb from Smitten Kitchen and Ari from Baking and Books. 

The Battle of the Homemade Bagels —

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Deb’s Homemade Bagels

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Ari’s Homemade Bagels

Sure, they’re only virtual bagels, but they’re COMPLIMENTARY.  That means they are free!  Woo-hoo! 

There are also two concert areas on the fairgrounds, keeping you entertained as you shop. On STAGE ONE, rock out with British indie band Arctic Monkeys, as they stop by the arts and crafts fair during their west coast tour.  On STAGE TWO, our more intimate staging area, we are proud to present one of America’s finest songwriters, Mr. James Taylor.

I hope you enjoy the Arts and Crafts Fair.  The doors are now open!

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Gemstone necklaces from Gillian   
(blog — Tiddleywinks)

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Photography from Lisa Duvall
(blog — Fat Chick Running)

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Artwork by Kyra
(blog — Shaping My Way)

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Photography by Schmutzie
(blog — Milk Money or Not)

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Gift Tags by SAJ
(blog — Secret Agent Josephine)

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Photography by Leesa
(blog — Piece of My Mind)

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Artwork by Angie
(blog — Evangelinethan)

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Photography by Susannah
(blog — Ink on my Fingers)

CONCERT STAGE ONE – Arctic Monkeys

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Work by Liz Elayne
(blog — Be Present, Be Here)

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Photography by Mary
(blog — Maliavale)

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T-shirt by Dave
(blog — Blogography)

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Jewelry by Sara
(blog — Moving Right Along)

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Photography by Stacy
(blog — Jurgen Nation)

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Gumball the Kitten Magnets by Bethany
(blog — Bethany Actually)

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Artwork by Ellen Bloom
(blog — Los Angeles is my Beat)

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Photography by Heather
(blog — Nabbalicious)

CONCERT STAGE TWO – James Taylor

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Purse by Abigail
(blog — Abigail’s Road to Nowhere)

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Photography by 180/360
(blog — 180/360)

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Custom Made Felt Pins by Ms. Sizzle
($5 plus shipping – email her at sizzlesays at gmail dot com)
(blog — Sizzle Says)

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Photography by Sarah
(blog — Sad and Beautiful)

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Baby/Toddler Clothes by Sarah
(blog — Susu g)

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Photography by Di Mackey
(blog — Woman Wandering)

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Fiber Quilts by Caron
(blogs — All and Nothing, And Still Counting)

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Painting by Stacy Elaine
(blog — Pudgy Pigeon Enterprises)

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Handmade Hats and Aprons by Leahpeah
(blog — Leahpeah)

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Artwork by AscenderRises
(blog — Ascender Rises Above)

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Photography by Aimee
(blog — Greeblemonkey)

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Art Journal by V-Grrrl
(email her at veronica at v-grrrl dot com for prices)
(blog — V-grrrl in the Middle)

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Baby Clothes by Jen Lemen
(blog — Jen Lemen)

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Purses by Jaynette

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And for those who would rather donate money as a gift, how about getting a cow or a water buffalo for a needy family via The Heifer Project? (thanks Not Fainthearted!)

Dancing with the Stars – Live!

November 28, 2007 / / 31 Comments

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“Dance is the hidden language of the soul.” — dancer and choreographer Martha Graham

“The television, that insidious beast, that Medusa which freezes a billion people to stone every night, staring fixedly, that Siren which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little.”  — writer Ray Bradbury

Sophia and I showed up at CBS Television City, where, ironically, they shoot ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars.”   It was the final dance-off of the season, and we were excited to see the show live.   The two of us were decked out in our finest clothes, as if we were going to a reception for Queen Elizabeth.   An email explicitly told us to “dress up” as if it were an elegant affair.  There were others waiting to get in, dressed in the same manner — glamorous and beautiful. 

Then reality struck us in the face like a bead flung off Mel B’s sequined dress.  This was not a fancy event.  We were not a paying audience.  We were going to see the taping of a TV show, which means being treated like sheep. 

First up — figuring out which line you are on. 

There was the line for the “celebrities” like the Spice Girls and Ryan from All My Children (yes, Danny, we saw him!).   They went in first.

There was another line for VIPs, mostly agent-looking dudes. 

There was the pseudo-VIP line.  These were the assistants to the agent-looking dudes. 

There was the I-know-someone-but-someone-not-very-important line.  This is where you would stand if your former roommate’s sister is now the makeup person on the show. 

There was a “priority” line for those who didn’t get in last time, and were given a special pass this time, putting them on a line one step before the total nobodies with tickets.  You see, the networks, like Southwest Airlines, overbook — even if you have a ticket — and then leave those unlucky enough standing on the street with a “priority ticket,” and walking back to the bus stop in their dresses and suits with dashed dreams of sitting next to Donny Osmond. 

Everyone, except the Spice Girls, waited… and waited.   A college-age production assistant with a clipboard, humorlessly checked our tickets.  A homeless guy wandered along the line, looking for cans of soda left behind by ticket-holders. 

Hey, ABC — why not send a warm-up guy OUTSIDE and entertain us why we wait forever?   It took almost three hours from arrival to getting inside the studio.  Think about how they do things at Disneyland!  Sure you moved us from spot to spot like you do at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, but where’s the music?  The fun?  The audience was half asleep by the time we took our seats (crammed in so you can hardly move. I’ve never seen such tiny chairs.)

Most of the public guests were women, and Sophia thought since I was a man, this would help us get a better seat, especially since I was looking good in my blue suit.  She pushed me to be at the outside of the line, so the show ushers would notice me and put us in a visible spot.  On TV, it looks as if the audience is filled with distinguished-looking men.  In reality, the audience was 3/4 women, mostly drooling over Maxim.  Some of these fans are fanatics.  These are women who remember every single judge’s score since season one.

Sophia and I actually got decent seats in the second-tier VIP section, but later we realized that it is probably better to be in the balcony with the average Joes.    The camera was constantly blocking our view.  We were also on the wrong side of the stage.  Later, when we came home, we searched for ourselves on the screen, and all we can find was a one second shot of the back of my head.  We didn’t even bother to call my mother to tell her. 

The real star of the show is — the editing.   Everything is low-key on the set.   The excitement only begins when the warm-up guy jumps up and down, giving us the Pavlovian sign to stand and cheer as if Jesus had just walked in.   The minute it was commercial time, all became silent.  Then, boom — screams of ecstasy!  No wonder so many women in Los Angeles fake their orgasms. They must all work on TV shows, and get in the habit of showing false enthusiasm. 

We cheered, we stood, we booed — everything on cue.   Why did we give everyone a standing ovation, even the bad routines?  Because we were told to!  Why did we boo the judges when they made some intelligent, but constructive comment?  I didn’t boo once.  How impolite!  And why does the audience have to be the toadies for the dancers?  

Tom Bergeron looked pretty sullen and unfriendly during the commercial breaks, and only smiled and became witty when the camera turned on.

Finally, I had enough.  I stood up and spoke my mind.

“Hey, Tom!  What is this with all the fake frivolity?  It’s so much more fun on TV.  Here you all look bored!”

“Yes.  That’s TV.   Boring to make.  At least this a better gig than that dumb “America’s Favorite Videos.”  And  since we’re shooting at CBS, we’re closer to the Farmer’s Market.   I love those donuts at Bob’s.”

“And wait a minute.  Who’s writing this show anyway?  Don’t tell me that Bruno is coming up with those witty comments by himself?”

“Oh, uh, yeah.  We are “ad-libbing” everything during the Writer’s Strike.  Why?  Are you a writer?”

“Well, actually I am.” I said.

“Hmmm… because I really could use someone to help me ad-libbing tonight’s lame jokes.”

“Well, I would, but I don’t want to be a scab.”

“Well, I couldn’t pay you union scale, but I could introduce you to Cheryl Burke.”

“Cheryl Burke, the hottest dancer on the show?  Call me scab.  You got a deal!”

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Well, of course that never happened, but thinking about it kept me amused while waiting in line.

On the way home, Sophia and I stopped at the 99 cent only store to pick up some batteries.  I wish we had taken pictures.  It must have looked funny as we walked down the aisles of cheap detergent in our best clothing.   When we went to pay, the checkout girl gave us the once over, and asked us if we are coming back from “our prom.”  That was the best part of the night.

We’re Dancing with the Stars

November 26, 2007 / / 27 Comments

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Sophia got us the hottest tickets in town — today’s taping of the finale of “Dancing With the Stars.”  We need to dress up, first, because they make you, and second, because we notice that only the good-looking people get the seats next to Donny Osmond.    I’m still deciding between wearing a suit or going barechested with suspenders, like Maxim Chmerkovskiy.   Either way, keep your eye out for a banner that reads “Go Marie” on one side, and “2007 Blogger Chrismahanukwanzaakah Holiday Concert — December 10th, on the other.”  Hey, they’re always plugging ABC’s shows, why not me?  You notice that “The Bachelor” just happens to be in the audience the week before the show’s finale? 

Look for us in the audience.

Announcing the 2007 Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert

November 25, 2007 / / 49 Comments

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“Sing a Christmahanukwanzaakah Song,” recorded by Neilochka (mp3)

Sing, sing a song
Sing out loud
Sing out strong
Sing of dreidels and snow
Sing of Santa and mistletoe

Sing, sing a song
If you’re a blogger
You definitely belong
Don’t worry that you don’t know the words
To Frosty the Snowman well

Just sing
Sing a song

La la la la la… it’s Christmahanukwanzaakah!

It is now time to raise our voices in song again in this new holiday tradition. Hanukkah songs about miracles. Christmas songs about faith. Winter songs about the beauty of the season. Kwanzaa songs about new traditions. It is the 2007 Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert, right here on Citizen of the Month on Monday, December 10th (with a re-broadcast on Christmas Day). The concert is for YOU and by YOU — and this year will be bigger and better than last year.

If you want to participate, just say so in the comments or email me ASAP. Please try to tell me what song you want to sing, so we don’t have five people all performing “The Little Drummer Boy.”

1) You can send me either an audio file or a video.

2) You can host it on your own site or send the recording to me directly. If you host it yourself, just send me the URL.

3) A blogger must participate in the performance, not just your kid dressed as a snow angel. It must be YOU and your kid singing together, or YOU playing the guitar as backup.

4) I must receive the final song by December 9 for the concert on December 10th. This gives you two weeks to record it.

5) If you have any question on how to record a song, just email me. It is very easy to do using your computer.

6) Have fun! You don’t need to sing perfectly!

7) If you are too much of a wimp to sing, send in a photo of your Christmas tree, Hannukah menorah, snowmen, or your family all dressed up in their Holiday best — we’ll use it to decorate “the set.”

And remember, on November 30 – December 2, the weekend before the concert, there will be the Blogger Holiday Online Arts and Crafts Fair , also hosted here. Come and find some cool Holiday gift ideas, made by bloggers themselves. If you sell your artwork or crafts, and you want to participate as a “vendor,” email me at neilochka at yahoo dot com.

Get Ready for “The First Annual Blogger Holiday Online Arts and Crafts Fair”

November 22, 2007 / / 45 Comments

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The meal is over. We’ve given thanks. We’re feeling spiritual. So, what do we do the next day? We fight over parking spaces in the mall and push old women out of the way so we can get our grubby hands on the latest “Touch Me Elmo” before the next person.

Is that any way to shop for Christmas and Hanukkah gifts? Do you really want to give your hard-earned money to Best Buy, home of “The Computer Salesman who Knows Less Than My Mother?” Do you really want to be stuck eating at the adjacent-to-the-mall Olive Garden ONCE AGAIN! (eh, screw you, Olive Garden lovers — tell it to my hand).

There is a better way. You can help support cool bloggers in their artistic endeavors. At the same time, you can give your friends and relatives very special, unique gifts — made by hand in someone’s kitchen in Tulsa, not in a sweatshop in Thailand.

Announcing —

The First Annual Blogger Holiday Online Arts and Crafts Fair!

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photo by OMSH

I love artistic people, especially those who are crafty or in the visual arts. I cannot draw. My photographs suck. The only class I ever failed in school was Woodshop. I hated it. I was scared of using the saw. I ended up with a ridiculous-looking final project — a “chicken” paper holder without a chicken head. I wonder if my mother still has it at home? I am in awe of your artistic talent.

The Arts and Crafts Fair will be held next weekend,  November 30 – December 2, right here.  This gives the artist time enough to send the purchase before Hanukkah and Christmas.  To participate as a vendor, it is is very easy:

1) Send me a photo of one of your art pieces or crafts as an example of your work. This can be your knitting work, your photography, your paintings, etc. — as long as you created it and want to sell it as Holiday gifts! NONE of this has to be holiday-themed at all. It can be anything you want. The photo is just a sample of your work.

2) Send me a link to your online store, Etsy, etc. and to your blog. At your own store, you can sell anything or as much as you want. The fair is here to introduce others to your work.

3) Write a description of your work, if you want to.

All the links will go back to your blogs or stores, where you must deal with the shipping, etc. This exciting event is open to all bloggers, and artists of all skill levels. Show your stuff and promote your work!

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This event will be a highlight of the Holiday season. If you need a gift, come on by! Even if you aren’t in a gift-buying mood, stop by and window-browse. The event will be more than just artwork and crafts here at Citizen of the Month. There will be food, laughter, and juggling (all virtual, of course). Artists, knitters, photographers who sell their work — start sending me a photo of your work today!

(and I mean YOU —Ascender, Caron, Ellen Bloom, Susannah, Leahpeah, Leesa, Ms. Mamma, Nabbalicious, Stacey, Kyran, 180/360, Sarah, SAJ, Stacy Elaine, Liz Elayne, Stepping Over Junk, V-Grrrl, Jen Lemen, Di, Abigail, Schmutzie, Kyra, Shoe of Salvation, etc. — did I forget anyone?)

(Coming up next — the announcement of the biggest event of them all — The 2007 Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert)

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