Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Page 102 of 187

Have it Your Way

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Add the Mayo
Add the Cheese
Have it Your Way
Pretty Please

“Mommy, Mommy,”
Kids Do Sing
“I Want Me
Some Burger King”

“No, No, No
That Food is Bad”

“But Didn’t I See it
On Your Ad?”

Are you sure mothers using BlogHer ads want to be advertising Burger King value meals to other busy mothers in their sidebars?   Frankly, I like Burger King Whoppers, much more than Big Macs, but I don’t have a childhood obesity problem — only high cholesterol.   At least In-N-Out gives me some old-time religion with my burger!   Burger King doesn’t even get the good movie tie-ins.

Cliquish Blog Post About Other Bloggers I Like

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(Leah, I’m stealing this photo you took to give
others a false sense of my sophistication. )

On Friday night, I saw the musical “Wicked” at the Pantages Theater with Wendy from Quiet About Alot of Things.    Although Wendy lives in Colorado, she grew up in Pasadena, and came to town for her high school reunion. 

Although I didn’t find Wicked’s music that memorable, the story was fantastic.  It is based on a novel by Gregory Maguire, and is a revisionist re-telling of “The Wizard of Oz.  The Wicked Witch is the moral heroine, the Good Witch is a bimbo, and the Wizard of Oz is a selfish, power-hungry tyrant.  It all works perfectly and makes you feel as if the Judy Garland movie is nothing more than a propaganda film.  I’m a big fan of the Wizard of Oz, but I always felt there was something sinister about the Wizard, especially the way he hid behind his curtain.

Do bloggers hide behind curtains?   I love meeting bloggers because I get to see them without the smoke and mirrors of their blog posts.  I don’t suggest that we are sinister behind the scenes, but that we can only show a representation of ourselves in our writing.   Most of us hide behind curtains, even in real life.  Part of the reason I’m in therapy now is that I’m trying to peek behind MY OWN curtain.  I think we sometimes would rather see our own superficial self-image than confront who we really are inside.

If I read someone’s work, I usually get a sense of their character from the page.  What is surprising is how much MORE the person is in real life, as if the real Wizard has just stepped out from behind his curtain.

I talked a little bit about this with Wendy because I visualized her to be slightly different than she turned out to be.  On the page, she is very introspective, and she writes very evocative, sensual poetry.  I imagined her as a pretty, but somber Poetess, perhaps someone who wears a lot of black.  I did not expect a feisty dynamo of a woman jumping out of her rental convertible, her hair flying in the wind, someone who relaxes at home by showjumping horses competitively!  Which one is the real HER?  Probably BOTH of them!   She is a MOMMY and a WIFE and an ATHLETE and a POET.  I really enjoyed hearing her stories.  I might write “spicy” stories on my blog, but believe me — there are some who have actually LIVED them!  (I’m not going to mention anyone’s name, Wendy, and ruin their innocent reputation)

On Saturday night, a group of bloggers got together in LA to welcome the very cool Heather B from No Pasa Nada, who was visiting California.   She seems to know everyone in the blogosphere.  I’ve met Leah and Abigail before, and they are both really wonderful people.   Leah — who organized the LA Bloggers Live  group — always seems to be working on some new creative project.  Here is her new Leahpeah Store!    She took some nice photos of our meeting, like the one on top.   I recently kicked Abigail’s ass on Facebook’s Scrabble.   Next time, I need to be a little more careful because her confidence is strong after winning five thousand dollars on a game show.

I didn’t know Heather from Nabbalicious until recently.   Her photography is terrific.  I expected her to be very chic and artsy in person, but I didn’t expect her to be a little… klutzy, in a sexy, Lucille Ball kind of way.  She walked around all night at the Grove and the crowded Farmer’s Market with this beautiful, expensive camera around her neck, looking very professional, but she also had a habit of poking random strangers in the back with with her zoom lens.   Now, that’s sort of goofy, but hot. 

Sophia liked this photo that Heather took of me.   

Probably, my biggest surprise of the evening was Joe, Leah’s husband.   First of all, I tend to avoid talking to men when there are four beautiful women around.  The first time I met him, I was under the impression that his blog was mostly about PHP code, which is about exciting to me as… well, PHP code.   But I was totally wrong.   Joe’s been blogging before “blogging” was even a word.  Even though there is a lot of tech stuff on his blog, there is also a good amount of heart-felt personal stuff, including recent posts about his mother and her health.  His blog is also the perfect place to sneak a view of what Leah looked like in 2002.

The next blogger I’m scheduled to see in person is Laurie of Crazy Aunt Purl.  She starts her book tour on Thursday, October 11th at the Barnes and Nobel at the Grove at 7:30 PM, right across from the restaurant where I met the other bloggers.   When we passed the bookstore, I told Heather B. about Laurie’s book signing.  Heather spoke about Laurie’s amazing writing talent, and how popular she is with her readers.   I had to laugh to myself because if I had known about Laurie’s popularity, I would have feared approaching her, much like Dorothy meeting the scary Wizard of Oz.  Instead, the first time I accidentally came to her blog I noticed a photo of the Farmer’s Market, where she is involved in Stitch N’ Bitch.  I emailed her, excited to see this location in a photo, because it is one of my favorite places in LA.  After she responded, I immediately started to flirt with her, as I tend to do, making mention of some sexy boots she was wearing.  At first, I didn’t even bother to read her blog.  Who wants to read a blog about knitting and cats?  Is there anything more girly?  However, once I started reading her blog, I realized that Laurie had a lot more to say underneath it all.  She doesn’t just write about knitting.  She has a unique way of combining humor and emotion, so you laugh while getting a glimpse behind the “curtains” of her personality.   I remember thinking to myself, “This blog should be more popular because it is so good.  I really should tell people about it,” imagining a shy woman who is writing just for herself and her cats.   And then I noticed she was getting like 300 comments a day.   Oops.

(Laurie, no need for any thank you for this public service announcement about your book tour, but I wouldn’t mind a photo of you wearing those boots for my personal collection  — and please write my name as “Hot Stuff” when you sign my copy of your book tomorrow)

A Black Cloud Over Me

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Do you sometimes feel that there is a black cloud over your head for a week or so, and everything just seems to be…OFF.

I had a great weekend where I met some terrific bloggers.  On Friday, I went to see Wicked with Wendy.  On Saturday, I had dinner with Heather B, Nabbalicious, LeahPeah, Joe, and Abigail.  (I’ll write more about all this tomorrrow)

Despite the great time with all these bloggers, there were growing signs that the gods were against me.  During dinner with Wendy, I spilled tomato sauce on my shirt, and then tried to clean it with iced tea, just making it worse  I’m sure I really impressed her with my sophistication. 

The next night, I ordered a Cape Cod as a drink.  I thought it sounded urbane and witty, like my blog.  Halfway through my drink, I saw Abigail looking my way.

Abigail:  “Neil, you know that they keep a little bit of the paper on the top of the straw to be sanitary.  You’re drinking through the paper.”

Neil:  “Uh, yes…yes, I know that.  It is a… Jewish tradition thing to do this.  Like being kosher.”

I’m not sure she bought that.

Sunday was the bra incident at the movie theater.

Today, the black cloud truly darkened and it poured.  Something broke inside our frost-free freezer, creating icicles everywhere and ruining everything inside our freezer, including our precious Trader Joe’s burritos.   Sophia and I tried to salvage some of our frozen food by cooking twenty veggie burgers, 50 egg rolls, and 7 frozen soups all at once before the food defrosted completely.

As if this bad luck wasn’t enough, I just sat down for a five minute break with a Diet Coke, and as I opened it, the can exploded soda all over the living room, including on the couch, not making Sophia very happy.

I fear that if I continue on with this post, something bad will happen, like the blogosphere blowing up.

Keep away from me until things are safe.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   Pee Like a Man

(And happy birthday, Mom, traveling somewhere on a cruise in Nova Scotia!  Be glad I’m not on the boat with you.)

Sunday at the Movies with Sophia

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What says Sunday more than breakfast out at the local diner, doing the crossword puzzle, making a trip to the nearby Big Lots for paper towels, and seeing a movie (and sneaking into the second film at the multiplex just for the hell of it)?

Can you believe that Big Lots already has a CHRISTMAS DISPLAY! Really? WTF? It is the first week of October. Christmas is December 25.

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The night before Hanukkah, Jews go into the closet and take out the menorah. Do Christians really need TWO FULL MONTHS to get ready for this holiday? I think Americans take more time and effort in planning for Christmas than we did in planning for the war in Iraq.

Can I give you mommybloggers some advice? Do not buy these rubber Halloween masks they sell! I put this one on for ten seconds just for this photograph and almost suffocated.

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I took Sophia to our local AMC Theater to see two girly movies, Feast of Love and The Jane Austen Book Club. Not surprisingly, I liked both films better than Sophia, who found them corny and predictable. (Men, if your girlfriends or wives give you a choice to see these two films, pick “Feast of Love.” At least you get to see THREE of the actresses naked!).

During the second film, Sophia became uncomfortable from sitting so long, and started to squirm in her seat. She leaned over to me and whispered, “Help me undo my bra, I can’t reach without it being noticeable.” These were words heaven-sent, especially after just seeing three topless actresses bouncing around on the screen. Unfortunately, the bra removal was more for Sophia’s comfort than for my amusement. After ten minutes of my struggling to unsnap her bra, Sophia told me that I needed to write another post about how to undo the bra, and removed her bra herself through her sleeve. How do women do that? It’s like a magic trick! I can’t take my socks off before I take off my shoes. How do you take your bra off without first taking off your top?

“I left my purse in the car,” Sophia whispered. “Do you have a place to put the bra?”

“Sure,” I said, stuffing it into the front of my pants.

After the second movie, I suggested that we go and sneak into a third movie!   Sophia wasn’t sure she wanted to see another movie, but I said it would be fun.   We decided that Sophia would take a bathroom break, and I would meet her by the refreshment area, and then we would investigate what is playing.   As I waited for Sophia, I paced back and forth, watching all the suckers paying seven dollars for some popcorn. Suddenly, I noticed all eyes on me.   The theater manager ran over, and bent down next to me.

“You dropped your bra, sir,” he said to me.

He was holding Sophia’s bra, which had fallen out of my pants and onto the floor. People looked at me as if I was some pervert. I shoved it into my pocket as Sophia appeared.

“So, did you see any other good movies playing here?” she asked.

“No, let’s get out of this theater. And never come here again.” I said, as I grabbed her arm.

“Why? What happened?”

“I dropped your bra and everyone thought it was mine.”

I took her bra from my pocket and returned it to her. She started laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“Anyone can see — you could never be a D cup!”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Two Nerds on the Phone

They Watch Desperate Housewives in Manila?

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I am so glad that the producers of “Desperate Housewives” have apologized for the racial slur against Filipino medical professionals that was on the show’s first episode of this season.

In the season premiere that aired Sunday on ABC, Teri Hatcher’s character, Susan, goes in for a medical checkup and is shocked when the doctor suggests she may be going through menopause.

“Listen, Susan, I know for a lot of women the word ‘menopause'” has negative connotations. You hear ‘aging,’ ‘brittle bones,’ ‘loss of sexual desire,'” the gynecologist tells her.

“OK, before we go any further, can I check these diplomas? Just to make sure they aren’t, like, from some med school in the Philippines?” Susan fires back.

There was an uproar in the Philippines.

The TV episode even became an international incident, with reports on it topping Philippine news shows and drawing newspaper headlines as officials there registered their displeasure. Filipinos could judge the scene for themselves when it was posted on YouTube.

In Manila, Health Secretary Francisco Duque III said he was writing the producers of the show to seek an apology and note the country’s “vehement protest.” Senior cabinet member Eduardo Ermita told reporters that an apology should be sought “on behalf of our Filipino professionals.”

“The producers of ‘Desperate Housewives’ and ABC Studios offer our sincere apologies for any offense caused by the brief reference in the season premiere,” cable news channnel ANC quoted the statement as saying.

“There was no intent to disparage the integrity of any aspect of the medical community in the Philippines,” they said.

I immediate called my family doctor, Dr. Mark Guinoo, a 1985 graduate of Manila Medical School, to hear his reaction. He was stunned.

“When will the negative stereotypes ever end?” he said.

Dr. Guinoo has truly been a lifesaver to me. Last year, during a bout with pnemonia, he prescribed “Dr. Scholl’s Foot Lotion” for me, and three months later I was cured.

ba-ba-boom!

Sorry, Leese, for the mediocre gag! I owe you some Puto Bumbong for Christmas!

P.S. — Do you know who really deserves an apology? Women with menopause! Teri Hatcher’s character acted as if she had just gotten a death sentence when she heard the news.

P.P.S. — I will keep my comment promises!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Donut Shop Redux

Uh…

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Quick! Get into the DeLorean and go back to October 2, 2007 before you promised to comment everywhere!

(be patient!)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Size 20

“The Great Mofo Delurk” Three for One Deal

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Schmutzie, Jenandtonic, and Sweetney had this idea to make today “The Great Mofo Delurk.”   You’ve probably seen stuff like this before.  The idea is to coax bloggers from out of the virtual woodwork and have them say hello by delurking and commenting. 

This is a great idea.  I love hearing from readers, but I feel a little guilty asking readers to delurk for me.   I’m already blessed with the best commenters in the blogosphere.  I can hardly keep up with the blogging friends I already have.   I don’t even comment enough on THEIR blogs!   I’ve even lost touch with some bloggers because I haven’t been keeping up with them, which makes me a little sad.  Do I really need more virtual friends in my life?   What am I — blog selfish?

That said, I think it is important to keep adding new people to the mix.   The blogosphere is cliquish enough, without me adding to it.   We are supposed to be a community, and you are part of the community.  Yes, YOU, whether you like it or not.  Now, I know the feeling many of you have, especially when you are a new blogger:  everyone is in-groupy except for YOU.   Here’s my advice.  Take a deep breathe and repeat after me, “Blogging is Bullshit.”  Feel insecure in real life, but never in virtual life.  Even the writers at Techcrunch or Engadget write in their underwear.  I don’t care if you have 10,000 readers, or 10 — you will be treated the same crappy way here at “Citizen of the Month.”  Don’t be intimidated by me.  Don’t be afraid that your comment isn’t “clever” enough.   Very few people write clever comments, and the ones that seem good have usually been rewritten by me.

If you choose to delurk, don’t do it for me.   Do it for yourself.  It is the best way to interact with others.  And if we don’t become best buddies, maybe you’ll hit if off with someone else who visits this blog.  I met 99% of my blogging friends from reading the comments of other bloggers, and following the link.   You’re in luck here at “Citizen of the Month” –  the commenters here are particularly smart and sexy, even if they are somewhat eccentric. 

And in honor of “The Great Mofo Delurk,” anyone who comments today on this special day and says hello, whether you are an old or new reader, will get back three times the LOVE!   That’s right, if you comment today, I will promise to write a comment on your next three posts.   That’s right — THREE comments for just ONE comment.   You think Dooce is ever gonna offer you that?!  A deal like that doesn’t come too often! 

(small print — this special deal is valid only until 11:59PM October 3, 2007)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   Class Trip

Off the Record: Not as Sex-Obsessed As He Looks

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He’s not as sex-obsessed as he makes himself out to be in his blog posts. In his mind, he might be making love to his latest female commenter, but in reality he mostly wants to talk about life, love, and make silly jokes with her. OK, maybe with some feeling her up as they talk, just for fun.  He likes breasts a lot.  But, truth be told, he is probably more emotional and sentimental, and fearful, about intimacy than most women. He worries that he talks too much. He worries that talking too much is too girl-like.

He finds Sophia hot. He thinks she likes him, too. It’s too bad they drive each other crazy. It is a strange marriage. Sophia is much sexier than he is. Sophia understands make-up sex. He doesn’t understand make-up sex. After an argument, he pouts for days with his arms crossed. His relationship with Sophia is complex. It is frustrating — in many ways.

Twice in his life, before he was married, he had a naked woman who he hardly knew come into his bed uninvited, one drunk, one a roommate’s ex — and both times, despite their advances, he just talked with them. He is more comfortable talking. Or writing.

Is that why none of you see him as dark, mysterious, and dangerous, despite his clear intentions to portray himself as that? He’d like to be thought of as dark, mysterious, and dangerous, the type of man who has passionate trysts in dark alleys, the woman pressed against the wall, her legs tightly wrapped his waist. But he would probably worry too much about the garbage in the alley. Or rats. He likes comfortable beds with nice sheets. Maybe it is a Jewish thing.

Sophia is still asleep in bed. He likes to watch her when she sleeps.

Wendy, one of his favorite blogging-friends, is coming to town this week and they are seeing “Wicked” together — alone, sans spouses. He is excited to meet her, but also a little disappointed. One day, he’d like a blogger to be too afraid of meeting him, thinking him too dark, mysterious, and dangerous. That’s how he feels when he meets YOU.

He likes to use the word f**k on his blog. One day, he will be able to write the word without astericks. Or make love in some exotic locale, like an airplane or the roof of a Manhattan apartment building, or a dark alley, like they do in the movies.

Despite the humor of it all, his talking Penis is important to him. Without his talkng Penis prodding him, tormenting him, he would spend his life just writing and talking. Let me change that. He would have NOTHING to write or talk about. Or he would be so polite and agreeable, you would want to vomit.

This is all off the record, of course. Please go back to thinking him as a Hebrew Don Juan.

Pumpkin Pie

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I felt bad about the last salacious post, and I thought it was time for me to write something a little more wholesome, in honor of the arrival of October and one of my favorites – Pumpkin Pie!

Pumpkin Pie

Women love – they crave – pumpkin pie
And clueless men ask me, “Why oh why?”
Seriously, men, why such a surprise
Women love pumpkin pie just like us guys!
So listen carefully to my little poem
And make her happy at home sweet home.

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Pumpkin pie will make her day
When it is served a certain way
Some like it cold, some like it hot
Do whatever will hit her spot
Some like the pie with a little whipped cream
If you serve it right, she’ll likely scream.

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So bring her over to the Pumpkin Patch
She’ll find the pumpkin to itch her scratch
Pumpkins of every shape and size
Lying there, waiting — a feast for her eyes
It’s October, the heavenly bells do ring
The time of year when all women sing

“Pumpkin Pie! Pumpkin Pie!
Bring me some of the Pumpkin Pie!
Pumpkin Pie! Pumpkin Pie!
Without your sweetness,
I might as well die!”

The Great Talking Penis Cartoon Scandal of 2007

The trouble began, like most things in the world, in Saskatchewan, Canada.   Some cute female blogger asked me to send her a drawing of my “talking penis character” to include in her scrapbook, or something like that.  At first I said no.  But she wouldn’t give up.

I challenged Neil to send me a watercolour of his talking penis? And then he said he would, but didn’t? And then I twitter taunted him and called him a watercolour c**ck tease? Well, he came through (so to speak), just for me.

Now there is a cartoon of my “talking penis” posted on someone’s blog in Canada (via Savia).

And I feel ashamed.

I can only imagine my upcoming therapy session when I have to admit what I did:

Therapist: “You shouldn’t let a woman sway your emotions one way or another. You need to be YOU.”

Neil: “Right. Right.”

Therapist: “And you need to learn to say “NO” to women. Don’t be a pushover and let them run your life.”

Neil: “Yes, uh… well, I wanted to bring that up…”

Therapist: “Yes?”

Neil: “Well, there is this female blogger in Canada named Savia… well, she’s cute, and she, uh, likes to collect naughty drawings, and asked me to send her a drawing of my talking Penis…”

Therapist: “How immature. Of course you told her that was impossible. You’re an adult who doesn’t do those sorts of things. A college-educated man. Besides, there are no such things as talking Penises.”

Neil: “Yes, of course. Talking Penises don’t really exist, but…”

Therapist: “Oh no…”

Neil: “…but she seemed so disappointed when I said no. And you know how I hate to disappoint a woman.

Therapist: “Neil…”

Neil: “She was crying on Twitter, for godsakes! I didn’t realize that she was actually going to put it on her blog. I thought it was just for her.”

Therapist: “Why? Neil. Why would you do something like that? Why would you send something so personal to a person you hardly know?”

Neil: “I don’t know.”

Neil’s Penis: “I know! I know. Even a Fifth Grader knows the answer to that one. He’s hoping to one day get into her pants!”

Neil: “Shut up, Penis!”

Therapist: “Who ARE you talking to, Neil?”

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