What says Sunday more than breakfast out at the local diner, doing the crossword puzzle, making a trip to the nearby Big Lots for paper towels, and seeing a movie (and sneaking into the second film at the multiplex just for the hell of it)?
Can you believe that Big Lots already has a CHRISTMAS DISPLAY! Really? WTF? It is the first week of October. Christmas is December 25.
The night before Hanukkah, Jews go into the closet and take out the menorah. Do Christians really need TWO FULL MONTHS to get ready for this holiday? I think Americans take more time and effort in planning for Christmas than we did in planning for the war in Iraq.
Can I give you mommybloggers some advice? Do not buy these rubber Halloween masks they sell! I put this one on for ten seconds just for this photograph and almost suffocated.
I took Sophia to our local AMC Theater to see two girly movies, Feast of Love and The Jane Austen Book Club. Not surprisingly, I liked both films better than Sophia, who found them corny and predictable. (Men, if your girlfriends or wives give you a choice to see these two films, pick “Feast of Love.” At least you get to see THREE of the actresses naked!).
During the second film, Sophia became uncomfortable from sitting so long, and started to squirm in her seat. She leaned over to me and whispered, “Help me undo my bra, I can’t reach without it being noticeable.” These were words heaven-sent, especially after just seeing three topless actresses bouncing around on the screen. Unfortunately, the bra removal was more for Sophia’s comfort than for my amusement. After ten minutes of my struggling to unsnap her bra, Sophia told me that I needed to write another post about how to undo the bra, and removed her bra herself through her sleeve. How do women do that? It’s like a magic trick! I can’t take my socks off before I take off my shoes. How do you take your bra off without first taking off your top?
“I left my purse in the car,” Sophia whispered. “Do you have a place to put the bra?”
“Sure,” I said, stuffing it into the front of my pants.
After the second movie, I suggested that we go and sneak into a third movie!Â Â Sophia wasn’t sure she wanted to see another movie, but I said it would be fun.Â Â We decided that Sophia would take a bathroom break, and I would meet her by the refreshment area, and then we would investigate what is playing.Â Â As I waited for Sophia, I paced back and forth, watching all the suckers paying seven dollars for some popcorn. Suddenly, I noticed all eyes on me.Â Â The theater manager ran over, and bent down next to me.
“You dropped your bra, sir,” he said to me.
He was holding Sophia’s bra, which had fallen out of my pants and onto the floor. People looked at me as if I was some pervert. I shoved it into my pocket as Sophia appeared.
“So, did you see any other good movies playing here?” she asked.
“No, let’s get out of this theater. And never come here again.” I said, as I grabbed her arm.
“Why? What happened?”
“I dropped your bra and everyone thought it was mine.”
I took her bra from my pocket and returned it to her. She started laughing.
“What’s so funny?”
“Anyone can see — you could never be a D cup!”
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Two Nerds on the Phone
Screw Christmas and Hanukkah. Let’s talk about decorations for the rest of us. I’m so done with the Judeo-Christian thing. Way over it.
But that bra thing? ROFLMAO. Silly men. I’m not laughing over the removal but instead about the hiding. There are not enough tissues to wipe up my tears currently.
Oh,and this comment does not mean that you still need to kiss my ass. Because you do.
My bra would have easily fit into your pocket and you still would have had room for a handkerchief and some change. Sigh.
Halloween is my favorite holiday, but I do enjoy Christmas. That being said, Christians aren’t the ones who start celebrating Christmas this early – retailers of all denominations are to blame. I hate that they skip Thanksgiving and barely pay any attention to Halloween on the way to their Christmas profits.
I’m all for the Judeo-Christian thing though . . . the option being the whole fanatical Islamic thing which doesn’t seem one-tenth as fun as playing with a driedle or opening presents on Christmas morning.
It would be more like that Peanuts cartoon where Charlie Brown keeps getting a rock while Trick or Treating. Cept the rock is thrown at your head.
“You dropped your bra, sir.” Oh that is awesome!
Almost as good as when your underwear get stuck inside the leg of your pants while drying and you don’t know until you sit down at work. And then you wonder why there’s something hot-pink coming out of your ankle.
If that ever happens to you – just leave it be – don’t try and pull out the hot-pink thing in front of a male co-worker or two. You’ll never live it down.
My wife’s bras are all under wires, so there is no way in heck I’m getting one into my pocket.
As to Xmas: Perchance retailers are really worried about the economy tanking before the season gets fully underway?
That sounded like a lovely day, except for the bra thing. I have a feeling you made that up.
the bra fell out of your pants! ha ha ha! poor neil. 🙂
“I think Americans take more time and effort in planning for Christmas than we did in planning for the war in Iraq.”
sadly, that’s all too true.
HA! Poor you, but yay us, because we get to laugh.
I love Christmas, but the fact that it gets earlier and earlier is making me kind of hate it. I may have to defect to another holiday.
lol, that reminds me of the wrong guy, when he drops the bloody knife and tries to convince everyone it’s not his.
our local costco has had christmas decor up for over a month now, i’d say you’re actually a little behind.
I used to work with a woman who would take her bra off through her shirt while we were sitting at the bar after our shift. It cracked me up every time.
I totally saw that coming, and it was still funny.
I wouldn’t go back there either.
I can do that bra trick too! Amazes my husband every time.
(P.S. Thank you for your comments!)
Sneaking into a second movie is brave. You are a hero, AND a thief. All hail Neil Hood!
You can totally admit it to us, Neil. You’ve got a thing for bras. Come out of the closet. Or at least the lingerie drawer.
No, we DON’T need 2 months to prepare for Xmas, but no one listens to me.
And thanks for the warning on the rubbery mask. We have one, and it’s already infected with little-boy sweat and snot so it won’t be coming near my head.
The bra trick is easy for most women except the flat ones who are wearing padded bras. It’s like trying to inconspicuously pull a pillow out of your sleeve.
HILARIOUS! Thank you for this. Put a smile on my face on this otherwise gloomy Monday morning.
I remember the original bra post well. I think I got 500 hits that day from it. Everyone wanted to see if I (Brooke) really did have a nice rack.
I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling with these issues. You need to find yourself a wild girl who doesn’t bother with conventional things like bras.
Or a girl with a flat chest.
I think you should have taken the bra back, sniffed it carefully, rubbed it against your cheek and sighed with contentment. So what if you have a security bra the way some people have a security blanket. Whatever works I say.
They SO thought you got some in the theater!
It’s a FlashDance thing. All of us girls, who became sexy women in the 80’s learned to do that trick from Jeannifer Beals!..ok mine is a tad more spastic..but the theme is the same!
As for the size of Sophias cups..and you being a perv.. Remind her that they may have thought you were usisng it for..um…stimulation…and in that case it may have fit you just fine?!?
was it a front-hooking or back-hooking bra?
You know, I don’t think I ever saw a front-hooking bra on a real live woman… ever.
The best part of my day is getting in my car after work and doing the bra trick–sigh–I hate bras. I’m a bra burner from way back.
I was going to make fun of the fact that you didn’t have enough to keep Sophia’s bra in place down there, but then I realized that both of mine would still be swimming in one of her D’s.
But at least I am proficient in The Trick.
Neil, after you comment, I just have to tell this story. Sorry.
Hot date with the husband. Pretty new sexxy bra that, yup, hooks in the front. Took me ten long struggling sweaty minutes to figure out how to hook the damn thing up.
End of the night and he had it off in like, two seconds.
I will never let him live that down.
I am a bit surprised at your level of mortification at the movie theater “outing”…I mean, in the context of what you post on your blog, under your real name, next to a picture of your face, and the fact that you put your wife’s bra in your pants in the first place (that’s just asking for trouble!), it’s funny that a bra on the floor finally opened the embarrassment floodgates for you LOL ;-D You should have picked it up and swung it around your head while gyrating your pelvis (acting like a lunatic gets one a pass on pretty much anything embarrassing, in my experience.) Not that there is anything wrong with any of this, blog or otherwise. 😉
I once worked at a wedding where a woman was dancing so furiously that her tampon fell out on the floor — why she wasn’t wearing underwear, under the circumstances, I’ll never understand — but she just kicked it off the dance floor and kept dancing. Her sociopathesque lack of shame aside, your situation pales in comparison, huh?
I have no shame on this blog. Real life is another matter.
I thought maybe everyone was checking out the size of your, um, package. Didn’t see the bra falling on the floor coming!
She is a D?!? Oh I am so jealous…
Neil, this is a GREAT post; it’s sort of the type of story that some old-timer Jewish comedian would tell at the Friar’s Club…it’s THAT good!
(It also sounds like a scene in some Ben Stiller comedy flick… Any screenwriters out there in need of a good scene? Get Neil Kramer to write it for you!)
They teach us how to remove our bras under our shirts around the same time that they teach us how to pick nonsense fights and earn free drinks at bars…. puberty.
I just shot vodka out of my nose.
This is brilliant! You two are so funny. My husband & I have moments like this. Peace, JP/deb
This is my favorite post since I found you.
I so rarely actually laugh out loud, even at very funny writing. This post had me in tears. Ho ho ho!
But…but…what is that mask supposed to BE? I’m frightened, and I think I need to sleep with the light on tonight.
The main question is .. did they actually see the bra come out of your trouser leg? If cinema workers in your area are just spotty oiks like they are in mine, that’ll probably give them all kinds of fantasies for weeks….
That is really funny! I’d never go back there either, at least not without dark glasses and a hat. You know that one of those theater employees has a blog and posted their version of this bra story.
roflol… what color was the bra? I want to get the entire picture.
What’s even funnier is that you didn’t just say, no thats not mine. And bought Sophia a new one.
I agree that Christmas display’s are coming out far too early! And it seems they come out earlier and earlier each year. We haven’t even got Halloween down yet! Maybe they should just leave them out all friggin’ year long!
HHAA!!! I love it. Well, at least he didn’t ask for your number.
And I love Christmas, even though I’m not a Christian, but if I see that crap out before Halloween? I wanna take a blow-torch to it ALL!!!
HO-HO-HO!!! YOUR CHRISTMAS DISPLAY IS GOIN’ DOWN!!!
Ohh… what a funny story! Imagine how many people’s days you made when they saw you drop your bra.
“Do Christians really need TWO FULL MONTHS to get ready for this holiday? I think Americans take more time and effort in planning for Christmas than we did in planning for the war in Iraq.”
Brilliant. Thank you.
How did you get out of high school without learning how to take off a woman’s bra? That’s the problem with the kids these days. They aren’t held to standards.
I was going to send you a little video explaining how it’s done, but then my X chromosome kicked the shit out of that thought and shouted, “Magicians never share their secrets!”
So yeah, it’s just magic.
Oh, I missed this! Missed YOU! I’ve been off being really quite dorky.
I came here to read for a laugh and this time I started out laughing but ended up crying. Neil, that was truly a modern-day display of chivalry at its finest!