the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Men and Women (Page 6 of 11)

A Little Anorexia is Hot

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I’m beginning to think that magazines intentionally choose articles to make their readers feel insecure, buy their magazine, and eat up the products advertised in the current issue. (I’m sure some blogs do the same thing)

A few days ago, I mentioned the Details magazine article which theorized that man’s happiness is directly related to the size of his member.  Of course, since most of us never reach that nine inch status, we need to compensate by buying Axe cologne or a sports car.

It’s all pretty ridiculous.  First of all, most men keep their private parts hidden in their pants until the third date, so no women really knows what’s up (other than in the Middle Ages – Renaissance when men tried to fool everyone with codpieces).  In modern times, men use this “dating” process for their own purposes, suckering the always emotional woman into overlooking any other issues with the male body, as they “fall” for you.

Joking, uh… ha ha.

Women have it tougher than men.  Men do judge women by how they look.  But — I’m not sure they do as much as you think.  Different men like all different types of women.   Some like all women!  Despite what men talk about when they are drinking beer in Hooters, a woman with a good sense of humor is much sexier than a pair of fake boobs.  Not that men don’t like boobs.  That is a given.  I just think that women’s magazines go overboard in setting up a feminine “ideal” that is not essential to being attractive to men.   Perhaps women are forced into all this more from peer pressure of other women!  And unlike men’s magazines, women’s magazines don’t give a woman an out– our culture doesn’t say that a woman owning a sportscar can ever compensate for a woman’s physical “faults.”    Instead women have to buy, buy, buy beauty supplies and diet, diet, diet. 

I’m pretty insecure about myself, but I’m surprised how confident I sound when I IM with some of my female blogging friends!  I’m about as dorky as they come, but even I don’t think it impossible for me to be with any woman I wanted to — if the situation was right.  When I was watching the Grammy Awards last week, I was thinking about this exact thing when Beyonce was singing.  Now that is one beautiful, talented successful woman!  And I was sitting there thinking — “You know what.  If circumstances were different, and we were in the same social circle, and I had a little more money, and if we had something to talk about, I bet you I could woo Beyonce.”  Do you find that crazy?  I think most men wouldn’t.  This is why some men come off as cocky — because even I — the most insecure person you’ll meet — have this insane, unrealistic male ego.  Do I think I will ever date Beyonce?  Of course not.  But in my mind… it is possible.

Do women think they could be dating Brad Pitt if things were different?  I think it is harder for women to have these crazy thoughts, because the media is harder on your psyche.  Our culture makes you feel that you aren’t worthy of being considered attractive if your body shape isn’t a certain type.  This is not a new discussion, either on blogs or on Citizen of the Month. 

I can hear the thoughts already.  “Brad Pitt would never want me because I’m a size 12!  Maybe if I lost weight.  I really should go to the gym… today.” 

You would think that women’s magazines would be “with the times,” advocating the sexiness of real women, like in those Dove ads.   You can be sexy being thin and athletic.  You can be sexy being full-figured with a squeezeable ass.  So, I was surprised to hear about this article in March’s Elle magazine, written by Amanda Fortini, which touts the idea that “men prefer anorexic women.”  Huh?  Is that really true?  Is this the same research company that came up with the results that Hung = Happiness?  Or is this written in the magazine solely to make women feel insecure and renew their subscription to Elle?

From the article (via Jezebel):

“Many men, I quickly learned, really do like frighteningly lean women, whatever they may claim to the controversy. As an average, medium-size young woman, I was unremarkable, innocuous. As a skinny slip of a thing, I was something of a sensation. In restaurants and at parties, men flirted at me extravagantly.” Men in media and literary circles hit on her frequently and audaciously, (one of them with the awesome line, “You remind me of a heroine from a Joan Didion novel.” (You know, “all bones and big eyes.”) “As a male friend once put it to me, semifacetiously,” she writes, ‘A little anorexia is hot.'” 

P.S. — Let’s keep an anorexia count on for tonight’s Oscars!  At least it will make the always boring show interesting…

Send a Kiss

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With Valentine’s Day coming up, I’d like to talk about kissing.  One of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned about life is this — women like kissing.   I’m not a natural kisser.  I’m have a feeling that most men are not born kissers.  In my younger days, the kissing was just an excuse to set the clock into motion before my hands came out to feel the woman up.   Who wants to be stuck at “first base!”  If you told your friends that you kissed a girl, you got a big yawn in return.  But if you touched her BOOBIES — then you were a hero!    Even now, at night, deep in sleep, when my mind is at the most open and aware, I rarely have a vivid dream about me KISSING a woman, if you get what I mean.  Well, kissing may be involved, but it isn’t the main goal of the exercise, if you get what I mean.

Even after many years of marriage, I’m not the greatest kisser.   Ask Sophia.   This is very difficult for me to admit to the general public, but I think it is important to make other men feel comfortable with themselves and their less than stellar kissing abilities.   If I can admit it, so can you, Mr. Blogging Guy.  Together we can learn to study and improve, and make our women happier.  My biggest problem is that I’ve never perfected the whole kissing and breathing at the same time.  After a bit, I need air.  Maybe if I fix my deviated septum, then I can breathe better through my nose.  It’s sad, really.  I’ve tried to make up for my less-than stellar kissing in many ways, but it always comes back to the kissing.  Is there a class at UCLA?  I have a feeling that my admitting the truth about my kissing may lose me some important female readership, but I think it is important to keep this blog honest. 

Blogging has only made the situation worse.  I’ve IMed with many women, and have heard countless stories of how important a first kiss can be in making your decision to date someone.  Some of you even REJECT a perfectly good man because of a mediocre peck on the cheek.  You can apparently tell tons of information from the locking of lips:  how good he will be in bed, his earning potential, his social security number, and even what your children will look like.

I have one single blogging friend who likes to tell me the intimate details of her dating life.  She IMed me this morning, telling me about this amazing date she went on last night. 

“I had two orgasms.” she said.

‘Wow.  Did you stay over at his place?”

“No, this was outside the movie theater.”

“You had sex outside the movie theater?!”

“No, silly.  We were kissing.”

“You had TWO orgasms by kissing him?!”

“He’s a really good KISSER!”

Jeez.  Even my Penis was depressed hearing this news.  He likes to believe that he is always the main attraction.

I do remember that, as a teenager, I practiced kissing by making out with my arm, sticking my tongue into the pores and slobbering all over the elbows, until my ARM got fed up and threw me off, saying she’d had enough of my wimpy kisses.

Lucky, the digital age offers a new way to kiss a woman — and a place to live and learn.  It is called Facebook.  Over the past few days, I’ve been getting all sorts of messages that women want me to “Kiss Them.”  And who I am to say no?  So, this morning,  I downloaded this “Send a Kiss” application, all ready to give some hot babes a few orgasms through my virtual kisses.

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A few hours later, my bad kissing karma remains — even online.  How the f**k do you use this application?  Am I too old, or stupid?  Am I supposed to be sending a kiss or asking for a kiss?  Do I HAVE to send kisses to “twenty of my friends?”   What is the difference between kissme, most kissed, kisslog, kiss fortune cookie, and kiss crushes?  When did kissing become so complicated?

Maybe I need to first practice on my virtual arm.

The Great Talking Penis Cartoon Scandal of 2007

The trouble began, like most things in the world, in Saskatchewan, Canada.   Some cute female blogger asked me to send her a drawing of my “talking penis character” to include in her scrapbook, or something like that.  At first I said no.  But she wouldn’t give up.

I challenged Neil to send me a watercolour of his talking penis? And then he said he would, but didn’t? And then I twitter taunted him and called him a watercolour c**ck tease? Well, he came through (so to speak), just for me.

Now there is a cartoon of my “talking penis” posted on someone’s blog in Canada (via Savia).

And I feel ashamed.

I can only imagine my upcoming therapy session when I have to admit what I did:

Therapist: “You shouldn’t let a woman sway your emotions one way or another. You need to be YOU.”

Neil: “Right. Right.”

Therapist: “And you need to learn to say “NO” to women. Don’t be a pushover and let them run your life.”

Neil: “Yes, uh… well, I wanted to bring that up…”

Therapist: “Yes?”

Neil: “Well, there is this female blogger in Canada named Savia… well, she’s cute, and she, uh, likes to collect naughty drawings, and asked me to send her a drawing of my talking Penis…”

Therapist: “How immature. Of course you told her that was impossible. You’re an adult who doesn’t do those sorts of things. A college-educated man. Besides, there are no such things as talking Penises.”

Neil: “Yes, of course. Talking Penises don’t really exist, but…”

Therapist: “Oh no…”

Neil: “…but she seemed so disappointed when I said no. And you know how I hate to disappoint a woman.

Therapist: “Neil…”

Neil: “She was crying on Twitter, for godsakes! I didn’t realize that she was actually going to put it on her blog. I thought it was just for her.”

Therapist: “Why? Neil. Why would you do something like that? Why would you send something so personal to a person you hardly know?”

Neil: “I don’t know.”

Neil’s Penis: “I know! I know. Even a Fifth Grader knows the answer to that one. He’s hoping to one day get into her pants!”

Neil: “Shut up, Penis!”

Therapist: “Who ARE you talking to, Neil?”

About Men

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Sophia

I know I have a lot of female readers, and sometimes I take it upon myself to educate them about men. On that dumb “The Pick-Up Artist show that recently was on VH1, “pick-up artist” Mystery makes one important point: the man must show the woman that he is in charge of his emotions. If a man lets his emotions and needs get the best of him, he will become a blathering idiot in front of the woman and lose his “higher value.” Women think this loss of rationality is part of male sexuality, as if typically horny men can’t control their caveman instincts — but men are more sophisticated than that.

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Ms. Sizzle

Straight men find women so beautiful that it takes an effort akin to climbing Mount Everest just to look away from them. Women are like Monet paintings that have come alive in front of us, flashing us with glimpses of smooth naked skin and vibrant bright colors, and make our hair rise with every scent of a woman’s flowery perfume.

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Leesa

You should sleep with us just as a reward for mustering up enough nerve to speak to you. Approaching you is a true accomplishment that requires the utmost bravery and strength.

Marital Advice for Alissa

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Alissa

While many of you use your blogs to make money or advance your careers, I see my blog as a public service, as a way to help others.  When I read that that Alissa from “I Found a Fatal Flaw in the Logic of Love” was getting married in two weeks, I immediately swung into action.  After all, as someone who is already married, isn’t it my duty to help the soon-to-be-married and give advice, to impart the wisdom that I have gained through experience?   My marriage may be an unusual one, one with many hurdles, but I think the hard work has made me especially equipped to give heart-felt marital advice to a newbie. 

Today, I sent Alissa an email with some important items to remember as she starts her new life as a wife.

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Evan and Alissa

1)  Husbands have fragile egos.  Before you go to sleep each night, it is important that you get on your knees in front of your husband and praise him.  Say things such as “Without you, I’d be NOTHING.”

2)  Work out a private signal, so your husband can communicate to you that it is time to go home and have sex, whether it be a snap of the finger or a flick of the nose, like in the movie “The Sting.”  And never say “not now.”  That is very bad for the karma of marriage.

3)  Always obey your husband, like it says in the Bible.

4)  A wife must be a great cook and create delicious home-cooked meals for your husband every night.  It is important to a husband.  It shows that you love and respect him.  Even more importantly, you should serve his dinner while you wear skimpy lingerie.   Four out of five doctors say this is good for his digestion.

5)  No matter how hard YOU worked all day, you must always appear looking beautiful  and smiling.  And always laugh at his jokes, no matter how dull.

6)  The husband controls the remote, like it says in the Bible.

For some reason, Alissa, who is normally a very proper woman, sent me back this email:

Neilochka, f**k you!

Love, Alissa.

Hmm.  Since she doesn’t like my marital advice, I’m going to open this up to other married bloggers out there. 

What is the most important advice that you would give Alissa or someone about to get married?

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Is it Tom Cruise’s Sports Jacket?

Online Pick-Up Artist

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If you’ve ever seen “The Pick-Up Artist” on VH1, you know that a world-class pick-up artist like Mystery can meet, attract, and seduce beautiful women through using the proven principles of his seduction techniques. In his reality series, Mystery, shares his years of experience in the field with a group of male newbies, most of them too frightened to even talk to a woman. Through his training, men are taught the tricks of the trade, from opening a set, conversational gambits, peacocking, to building attraction. These principles, if used properly, can make any woman fall in love with you (or jump into bed with you).

Peacocking-when a man dresses to be noticed. Lets take Mystery for example, he wears nail polish, eye liner and has a unique but funky style. He also looks physically fit. He will immediately get attention when walking into a room, even before he approaches a woman.

Set- when the seducer approaches a group of women or a group of women and men, and then opens with a line or pitch to get them intrigued. Eg, open a set. But the way it is described, it is more than learning a ton of pick up lines, it is about understanding and committing to a deep system belief and a willingness to change one’s behavior. (via AC)

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Many of his students, those who have mastered the science of women, have become renowned pick-up artists in their own right, teaching along Mystery in his famed Attraction Bookcamp. During his seminars, students learn how to employ surefire openings and transitions to “close the deal” with beautiful women in bars and coffee shops.

1st Tier is Attraction: In this tier, a man is simply trying to prove his higher value to the women he is trying to seduce.

2nd Tier is Comfort- Mystery says that most of a man’s time, 90% percent, will be spent on this part of the seduction. The comfort phase is the man’s attempt to establish rapport, build up trust and a connection with a woman. The purpose of this tier is to let a woman know that the man’s interest is real and genuine.

3rd Tier is Seduction- In this tier, the man is now moving toward sex or into a more physical relationship. The man must learn how to deal with a woman’s natural apprehension at being intimate with a new partner.

Some students have also asked for instructions on how to pick-up women in the online world, an area that is new to the master. That’s why I am honored to be asked by Mystery to lecture at his next Pick-Up Artist Bootcamp as a Master Online Blogosphere Pick-Up Artist. Any male reader of Citizen of the Month who enrolls by October 1st will receive a 15% discount on the $3260 price for the one day seminar (a bargain!). I will be sharing much of my knowledge of seducing women online, so you can do it too. The presentation will be informative and entertaining, and bagels will be served.

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Some of the Magic Bullet Pick-Up tips that will be included in my seminar are:

1) Should I comment on the blogs of hot women to show my interest in having sex with them?

Yes, but only once. Never comment on their blogs again. By commenting more than once, you lose your higher “value.” Make your first comment your set piece, an indicator of interest, and then let the woman come to you. And she will. Women enjoy the chase. Sometimes I even delete comments on my own blog from really hot babes because it makes them think that I don’t care or need them. These “neg hits” only makes them hotter for me.

2) Should I bother interacting with married women online, since I’m probably not going to get into a relationship with them?

This is the question of a complete beginner. Any true online pick-up artist knows that he has a BETTER chance of getting some action with a married woman than some single woman looking to get married. Married women don’t want a relationship. They just want to get some lovin’ from someone who doesn’t complain every night about doing the dishes. You try being married to the same schlub for five, ten, fifteen years! Believe me, if I had gone to BlogHer, I wouldn’t be able to walk after meeting up with all those mommybloggers. Just remember that a married woman has experience, so it is important to step up your inner game and work on your self-confidence.

3) Aren’t you worried that if a online fling with another blogger goes bad, that she will write nasty stuff about you on her blog? Or make disparaging comments about the size of your penis?

Yes, of course. There is always that fear. That’s why, for my own protection, I always take a video of all my first sexual encounters with my web cam, so I can blackmail the woman later on with threats of publishing the video on Youtube. I call this technique “Second Tier Protection.”

3) I get nervous whenever I go to a woman’s blog, sometimes so much that I get dizzy and can’t even read the post. What can I do about this problem?

Don’t worry about it. I never read any posts by women. Stay focused on your goal — getting into her pants. Reading the post just wastes your time from commenting on as many posts by female bloggers as possible. And don’t spend too much time on writing your comments either. I always write something vague that fits 99% of all posts by women, but with some added suggestiveness to show my attraction. For example, one of my favorite comments is, “You go girl! Listen to your heart and you will make the right decision. You are a beautiful woman, both inside and outside. I feel that I have known you all my life. And I love your new hair style. Is there anyone sexier than you?!” I use this comment at least seven or eight times a day.

4) I already have a girfriend, but I like to sleep with a lot of women. Should I make a mention of my girlfriend on my blog?

Absolutely. By showing that you are already involved, you give yourself added value, and you don’t appear desperate. Notice how I’ve created this whole “Sophia as separated wife” nonsense on my blog. It’s quite brilliant. Women feel safe with me because they think I am married. At the same time, I can ask them to take off their bras for me on IM, and explain it away as my “frustrations” of being separated from my lovely wife, which woos them with self-pity. I call this gambit “The Horny Teddy Bear.”

It’s Not That Complicated

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I try to understand you and give you what I got
To brush my teeth, to buy you shoes,
To play with your g-spot.

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So why must you confuse
what was easy when we dated.
Man and Woman, all that crap — it’s not that complicated.

Bare Chests

Two days ago, I mentioned the actor Daniel Craig. A lot of my female readers went ooh and aah in the comments. Every man wants to hear that ooh and aah, so I became curious about “his look.”

Here’s a photo of Daniel Craig.

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Granted, he has a nice body — if you like that type of look. I can understand how some of the less-refined women among you might take an interest, even though the New York Times reports that today’s sophisticated woman prefer their men as scrawny and out of shape, which is the current rage in Paris and New York. (at least in my imagined version)

Do you notice Daniel Craig’s lack of body hair? I’m assuming that he shaved it off for his role of James Bond. When did this trend begin? Most men don’t have hairless bodies — like a 13 year old. Who was it who decided that male chest hair is such an evil? Wasn’t it once considered manly to be hairy? Today, every surfer dude I see on the beach is hairless. Every hunk on All My Children is the hairless. I know this because each week, at least one male actor must take off his shirt, even if it makes no sense to the story.

It’s so hot here in Los Angeles. And we live in Redondo Beach. I call imagine how hot it is in the Valley! (suckers!) Even so, it is uncomfortable. I hope you all won’t mind if I just… slip off my Armani shirt, revealing my naked chest.

Oops! There’s the problem. My chest is all covered with hair. There is also hair on my neck, my arms, my shoulders, and my back. In fact, let me take a photo of my chest for you so you can see what I’m talking about:

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I never gave much though to this subject of male body hair. Well, I did once trim my pubic hair, with unpleasant results, but I was an insecure college student at the time. I’ve seen “The Forty Year Old Virgin,” and know that a guy can get his body hair removed — but should I really care? Do women really care? Doesn’t this “clean” look make the man look like a little boy? Sophia never has complained, but she’s not into the latest fads. Will a new woman freak out if I undress and stand before her naked, and all she can see is my chest hair?

Is there any man out there who will admit to shaving his chest?

If you are a woman, have you ever told your boyfriend or husband to shave his chest or back because you hated it?

We don’t make you shave your legs, do we? Uh, well, I guess we do….

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Battle of the Races

Your “Get Laid In Every State” Trip Inspired Me, Man!

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What makes the blogosphere so special is that we are here for each other, to share each other’s joys and pains, and to make each individual feel a little less alone.

Today’s Good Samaritan is “Nilo.”  I may not know him personally, but today we have bonded in a very special way.  Here is an email I just received concerning my dream of “visiting” all 50 States:

The “Get Laid in Every State” Trip

Neilochka —

You inspired me, man!

Being that I’ve been a mapper by trade, I decided to draw up a little suggested route for you, steering you as close to the more heavily populated cities in most states, and then just barely dipping you into others.

Let me know what you think…

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California –  LA Area        
Arizona  –  Phoenix  
Nevada  –  Las Vegas  
Utah  –  Salt Lake City   
Idaho  - Pocatello, Boise  
Oregon  –  Portland 
Washington - Seattle, Spokane 
Montana – Missoula, Butte, Bozeman  
Wyoming - Casper   
Colorado -  Cheyenne   
New Mexico  – Albuquerque   
Texas  - El Paso, Abilene, Fort Worth, Dallas  
Oklahoma  – Oklahoma City   
Kansas  –  Wichita, Kansas City   
Missouri  –  Kansas City   
Iowa  - Des Moines   
Nebraska - Omaha   
South Dakota - Sioux Falls   
North Dakota - Fargo   
Minnesota  -Minneapolis   
Wisconsin - Madison, Milwaukee   
Illinois -  Chicago   
Indiana   Indianapolis   
Michigan  - Ann Arbor, Detroit   
Ohio -  Toledo, Cleveland   
West Virgina - Charleston   
Kentucky - Lexington, Louisville   
Tennessee  – Nashville   
Arkansas - Little Rock   
Louisiana - Shreveport, Baton Rouge, New Orleans   
Mississippi - Jackson, Biloxi   
Alabama - Mobile,  Montgomery, Birmingham   
Georgia  - Atlanta, Savannah   
Florida -  Orlando, Daytona Beach, Jacksonville   
South Carolina - Columbia   
North Carolina –  Charlotte , Raleigh   
Virginia -  Richmond   
Washington DC  Washington   
Maryland  - Baltimore   
Pennsylvania - Philadelphia   
New Jersey  – Jersey City   
New York - New York City   
Connecticut - Bridgeport, Hartford   
Rhode Island - Providence   
Massachussets - Boston   
Maine -  Portland   
New Hampshire - Manchester   
Vermont -  Burlington

~Nilo

Nil0 —

I am touched beyond words.   I hope this proves to the women of BlogHer that men care about each other!    I think your mapping skills are excellent.  Have you tried applying for a job at Rand McNally?  You would be great.  And chicks love a man who is confident in his directions.

I will need to look over your map some more.  I’m still concerned about some of the weather issues down south.   And, dude, where’s Alaska and Hawaii?  Are they chopped liver?   I also have some problems with hitting Orlando and Jacksonville, and skipping South Florida?  What am I going to do in Orlando — f**k Minnie Mouse?   Jacksonville over Miami Beach?  Have you been to Jacksonville?  Are you crazy?  I have relatives in Boca Raton anyway, so I would probably do a little visiting in the middle of the “getting laid” trip.

But, all in all, this is much appreciated, man!

— Neil

(Update from Nilo — Crap.  I forgot Delaware.  So you go from Baltimore to Dover to Philadelphia instead.)

(This is a real email.  At first I thought Nilo was a fake — “Nilo?” — but he actually has a real email address.  But a mapper by trade???!)

How A Man Knows When He is Feeling Depressed

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Sorry about all these ranting BlogHer posts lately.   Making I just feel like being passive-aggressive to women in general since I saw the photos from the conference and everyone there looks like they have such nice tits and asses… like you know who with the Russian accent… who really is very blessed with those things… so it’s like you’re all on the same team. 

Since this blog is quickly tranforming from a humor blog into something else, I think I should admit that I’m feeling a little depressed today.  How do I know I’m feeling this way?  Well, I just saw this photo of Jessica Alba a minute ago online and all I could think about was “What the hell is she wearing — a diaper?” 

Now I feel bad because they are probably some super-sexy type of panties and I have no idea what they are called.  

But, just to be positive, maybe one day I will experience a woman wearing those panties.    Maybe even Sophia.  But if it isn’t Sophia, let me request it right now — in case I end up dating someone in the future,  maybe after a few months of therapy.   Maybe not on the first date, because I’m still not sure whether I like these diaper-looking panties or not.  But maybe during the fifth or sixth date, you can wear one of these type of panties, just for the variety, and so I can blog about it.

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