The trouble began, like most things in the world, in Saskatchewan, Canada.  Some cute female blogger asked me to send her a drawing of my “talking penis character” to include in her scrapbook, or something like that. At first I said no. But she wouldn’t give up.
I challenged Neil to send me a watercolour of his talking penis? And then he said he would, but didn’t? And then I twitter taunted him and called him a watercolour c**ck tease? Well, he came through (so to speak), just for me.
Now there is a cartoon of my “talking penis” posted on someone’s blog in Canada (via Savia).
And I feel ashamed.
I can only imagine my upcoming therapy session when I have to admit what I did:
Therapist: “You shouldn’t let a woman sway your emotions one way or another. You need to be YOU.â€
Neil: “Right. Right.â€
Therapist: “And you need to learn to say “NO†to women. Don’t be a pushover and let them run your life.â€
Neil: “Yes, uh… well, I wanted to bring that up…â€
Therapist: “Yes?â€
Neil: “Well, there is this female blogger in Canada named Savia… well, she’s cute, and she, uh, likes to collect naughty drawings, and asked me to send her a drawing of my talking Penis…â€
Therapist: “How immature. Of course you told her that was impossible. You’re an adult who doesn’t do those sorts of things. A college-educated man. Besides, there are no such things as talking Penises.â€
Neil: “Yes, of course. Talking Penises don’t really exist, but…â€
Therapist: “Oh no…â€
Neil: “…but she seemed so disappointed when I said no. And you know how I hate to disappoint a woman.
Therapist: “Neil…â€
Neil: “She was crying on Twitter, for godsakes! I didn’t realize that she was actually going to put it on her blog. I thought it was just for her.â€
Therapist: “Why? Neil. Why would you do something like that? Why would you send something so personal to a person you hardly know?â€
Neil: “I don’t know.â€
Neil’s Penis: “I know! I know. Even a Fifth Grader knows the answer to that one. He’s hoping to one day get into her pants!â€
I know I have a lot of female readers, and sometimes I take it upon myself to educate them about men. On that dumb “The Pick-Up Artist show that recently was on VH1, “pick-up artist” Mystery makes one important point: the man must show the woman that he is in charge of his emotions. If a man lets his emotions and needs get the best of him, he will become a blathering idiot in front of the woman and lose his “higher value.” Women think this loss of rationality is part of male sexuality, as if typically horny men can’t control their caveman instincts — but men are more sophisticated than that.
Straight men find women so beautiful that it takes an effort akin to climbing Mount Everest just to look away from them. Women are like Monet paintings that have come alive in front of us, flashing us with glimpses of smooth naked skin and vibrant bright colors, and make our hair rise with every scent of a woman’s flowery perfume.
You should sleep with us just as a reward for mustering up enough nerve to speak to you. Approaching you is a true accomplishment that requires the utmost bravery and strength.
One of the things I’ve discovered by going to therapy is that there are different schools of psychological thought that get along as well as the Shiites and Sunnis.
I’m seeing a traditional “talk therapist.”
Pros: By talking about your past, you understand your present.
Cons: You can be in therapy for twenty-five years until you understand shit.
Sophia is seeing a cognitive behaviorist. She makes little snickers now when I mention my talk therapy, as if I am spending my money on the equivalent of Lucy’s Psychiatry Booth in Peanuts (only it’s not five cents anymore due to inflation). She says that even it’s true that I will eventually understand myself, it doesn’t necessarily mean that that alone will lead to this big leap of change, as talk therapy presumes.
A cognitive behaviorist spends less time talking about the patient’s mother, and more time changing the patient’s faulty way of thinking. A lot of time is spent on belief work. Sophia’s cognitive behaviorist therapist even gives her homework.
Pros: You start changing immediately.
Cons: Is life really worth living without negative thoughts and passive-aggressiveness?
Despite Sophia’s opinion that her therapist is better than mine, I like Linda, my “talk” therapist. I feel comfortable with her. I told her about my talking Penis on my blog and she didn’t even blink. I had a breakthrough today. Here it is:
I do not like taking responsibility like an adult. I am still like an adolescent, looking for authority figures or rebelling against authority figures, but not truly being ME. I avoid the big adult decisions in my work, in my marriage, and in my life.
I was buying this train of thought, until Linda brought up something close to my heart.
“Have you thought about your blog? Is writing on your blog without making any money from it — a way of avoiding responsibility?”
Well, duh. I don’t have to get a Master’s in Psychology like Linda has to figure that out.
During the September 19 edition of his nationally syndicated radio program, discussing his recent trip to have dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s, a famous restaurant in Harlem, Bill O’Reilly reported that he “had a great time, and all the people up there are tremendously respectful,” adding: “I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.” Later, during a discussion with National Public Radio senior correspondent and Fox News contributor Juan Williams about the effect of rap on culture, O’Reilly asserted: “There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, ‘M-Fer, I want more iced tea.’ You know, I mean, everybody was — it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn’t any kind of craziness at all.”
Answer: False. All Black People do NOT say “M-Fer.”
2) All black men are either athletes or rappers. True or False?
Season One, Dancing with the Stars: Evander Holyfield
Season Two, Dancing with the Stars: Jerry Rice and Master P
Season Three, Dancing with the Stars: Emmitt Smith
Season Four, Dancing with the Stars: Clyde Drexler
Season Five, Dancing with the Stars: Floyd Mayweather
Answer: True. If all I did was watch “Dancing with the Stars,” all black men are either athletes or rappers. Aren’t there any black actors in Hollywood to invite to be on the show? It’s getting to be a cliche.
As a former New Yorker living in Los Angeles, I sometimes feel envious of all the advantages of living in New York. Although LA has Hollywood, and I’ve seen David Schwimmer buying brown rice in Whole Foods, it seems as if all the really cool actors, like Robert DeNiro, live in New York. New York has hip David Letterman. We have blah Jay Leno. New York has Woody Allen. We have Paris and Perez Hilton.
Now, New York is abuzz with all the attention from the President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – Columbia University forum/publicity stunt. It’s not fair. Where are the civic leaders of Los Angeles? Where is our local tyrant? Get off your asses, UCLA and USC. Forget football. It is time for people to take Los Angeles seriously. We’re not just bad sitcoms and fake tits.
Here’s a suggestion. Invite Kim Jong-il of North Korea to speak here! Let him become our local tyrant.
The Columbia University Fund has had an exceptional year this year and we are hoping to grow in 2008. As a graduate of the university, you know what Columbia means to the intellectual and cultural life of New York City and the country. We have just launched an unprecedented $865 million effort in support of undergraduate students and the faculty who teach them. Inspired by alumni commitment, it is the largest campaign of its kind Columbia has ever undertaken. We need your help. Through your generous donation, we can continue giving a world-class education to all Columbia students. We want to continue to give Columbia’s students a unique opportunity to learn from the best and brightest.
Excitement abounds at Columbia this season. In an attempt to be attention-grabbing, we are now offering to the public the “Meet the Vicious Tyrant Who Looks Fondly on the Third Reich” series of lectures. For our first speaker, we are honored to present the honorable Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran. Mr. Ahmadinejad, known to many as “The world’s Most Dangerous Man” is best known for developing Iran’s nuclear bomb and as a Holocaust denier who has said that Israel is a “dangerous stain on the Islamic world that must be wiped off the map. While Columbia students would probably burn the school down before allowing President Bush to speak at the school, the administration thinks it is important to hear from a man who is one of worst abusers of human rights.
According to Amnesty International, dissidents who oppose the government non-violently face harassment, torture and execution. According to Human Rights Watch, respect for basic human rights in Iran, especially freedom of expression and assembly, deteriorated in 2006. The government routinely tortures and mistreats detained dissidents, including through prolonged solitary confinement. The Iranian government has also cracked down on gay civilians.
Iran’s shari’a-based penal code defines lavat as penetrative and non-penetrative sexual acts between men. Iranian law punishes all penetrative sexual acts between adult men with the death penalty. Non-penetrative sexual acts between men are punished with lashes until the fourth offense, when they are punished with death.  Sexual acts between women, which are defined differently, are punished with lashes until the fourth offense, when they are also punished with death.
In other exciting news, Columbia continues to strengthen the School of Arts with the addition of an exciting new member of the faculty — Star Simpson, the MIT student who recently strapped a fake bomb to herself and caused chaos at Boston’s Logan Airport. She will now be Dean of Performance Art.
Columbia Football has never been a strength at our school. The Lions have not won a league championship since 1961. All that is going to change as we welcome our new head coach, the legendary OJ Simpson to guide us to a winning season.
While many of you use your blogs to make money or advance your careers, I see my blog as a public service, as a way to help others. When I read that that Alissa from “I Found a Fatal Flaw in the Logic of Love” was getting married in two weeks, I immediately swung into action. After all, as someone who is already married, isn’t it my duty to help the soon-to-be-married and give advice, to impart the wisdom that I have gained through experience?  My marriage may be an unusual one, one with many hurdles, but I think the hard work has made me especially equipped to give heart-felt marital advice to a newbie.Â
Today, I sent Alissa an email with some important items to remember as she starts her new life as a wife.
Evan and Alissa
1) Husbands have fragile egos. Before you go to sleep each night, it is important that you get on your knees in front of your husband and praise him. Say things such as “Without you, I’d be NOTHING.”
2) Work out a private signal, so your husband can communicate to you that it is time to go home and have sex, whether it be a snap of the finger or a flick of the nose, like in the movie “The Sting.” And never say “not now.” That is very bad for the karma of marriage.
3)Â Always obey your husband, like it says in the Bible.
4) A wife must be a great cook and create delicious home-cooked meals for your husband every night. It is important to a husband. It shows that you love and respect him. Even more importantly, you should serve his dinner while you wear skimpy lingerie.  Four out of five doctors say this is good for his digestion.
5) No matter how hard YOU worked all day, you must always appear looking beautiful and smiling. And always laugh at his jokes, no matter how dull.
6)Â The husband controls the remote, like it says in the Bible.
For some reason, Alissa, who is normally a very proper woman, sent me back this email:
Neilochka, f**k you!
Love, Alissa.
Hmm. Since she doesn’t like my marital advice, I’m going to open this up to other married bloggers out there.Â
What is the most important advice that you would give Alissa or someone about to get married?
Today is “International Talk Like a Pirate Day.” I don’t usually participate in this beloved holiday, although I did once write a post that was somewhat written in pirate-speak.
As a child, I was fascinated by many things — outer space, the French Revolution, my father’s Playboys — but pirates were not on the list. I never met a pirate in Queens, and never gave one thought of ever becoming a pirate. Who wants to ride around in those diseased pirate ships? Who wants to get scurvy? I’m sure the beds aren’t comfortable and the food is terrible. While it might be nice to get some treasure, I think it is wrong to use violence. Let’s be honest — all of you fascinated by pirates — would you really want to sit down for a meal at the Cheesecake Factory with an actual pirate? He’d eat like an animal. And wouldn’t leave a tip. I bet you that a real pirate doesn’t even sing as well as those at Disneyland’s “Pirate of the Caribbean.” And very few pirates have the nice Beverly Hills-saloned hair of Johnny Depp. Most pirate lore is pure fantasy.
I was about to say you’re never going to hear the word Jews and pirates in the same sentence, but WAIT! It seems that some Jews became pirates to escape the Inquisition. There is even strong evidence that Jean Lafitte, one of the most famous pirates in the New Orleans area, was Jewish. Who knew? Of course, some from the Louisiana area aren’t happy with the possibility. They take their pirate roots very seriously, and don’t want their hero to have been eating bagels for breakfast before he plundered a ship.
Here is an anonymous commenter writing on the Pratie Place blog. The hair on my arms always goes up when I hear people writing about “the blood of lafittes flowing through their veins.” —
I have family who has lived where Jean Lafitte settled in Louisiana sfor over 200 years. My people migrated here before this was America, and my French roots tie me to jean Lafitte. He was not Jewish. I am not Jewish, amd the same blood of lafittes flows through me. I am an authentic native Baratarian, we fought for New Orleans, and none of us are Jewish. My family is authentic Creole and Cajun, none of this is tied to any Jewish religion. Our people traditionally are Roman Catholic. There is absolutely no reason why Jews should attack our heritage this way and try to disprove one of our famous family members. It is disgrace to all who call Lafitte our brother and friend. I grew up swming in the bodies of water where Lafitte sailed his boats and I grew up being told the stories of his life… he was not Jewish.
Our people are French, we are from Acadiana, we originally moved from France West, but refused to bow to the British Crown and for that we were deported, killed, forced into labor etc…
While Jewish people would like to believe Jean Lafitte was jewish, he most certainly was NOT, as has been debunked by local Lafitte Historians.
The internet is a great place, but it is also a great place for rumors and undereducated guesses like this.
Jean Lafitte was not Jewish. And it is somewhat of an insult to have your family name and blood, constantly attacked by Jewish people trying to prove he was Jewish when he was not.
Jeez, what’s the big deal? Maybe if I had known that Jean Lafitte was Jewish, I would have actually been inspired as a young Jewish boy to dream of being a pirate rather than an attorney, doctor, or blogger. Today I salute you, Jewish pirates of yesteryear!
In honor of Jean Lafitte, may I now present “A Jewish Pirate’s Life” — a song based on the annoying song at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland.
Yo ho, yo ho, a Jewish pirate’s life for me
We pillage, we plunder, we eat bagels and lox
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
We pilfer and filch, we circumsize o’ cocks,
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
We kidnap and ravage, we’re nice Jewish boys
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
We’re better marauders than even the goys
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
We’re rascals, scoundrels, but do good in school
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
We’re devils and black sheep, but still go to shul
Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
If you’ve ever seen “The Pick-Up Artist” on VH1, you know that a world-class pick-up artist like Mystery can meet, attract, and seduce beautiful women through using the proven principles of his seduction techniques. In his reality series, Mystery, shares his years of experience in the field with a group of male newbies, most of them too frightened to even talk to a woman. Through his training, men are taught the tricks of the trade, from opening a set, conversational gambits, peacocking, to building attraction. These principles, if used properly, can make any woman fall in love with you (or jump into bed with you).
Peacocking-when a man dresses to be noticed. Lets take Mystery for example, he wears nail polish, eye liner and has a unique but funky style. He also looks physically fit. He will immediately get attention when walking into a room, even before he approaches a woman.
Set- when the seducer approaches a group of women or a group of women and men, and then opens with a line or pitch to get them intrigued. Eg, open a set. But the way it is described, it is more than learning a ton of pick up lines, it is about understanding and committing to a deep system belief and a willingness to change one’s behavior. (via AC)
Many of his students, those who have mastered the science of women, have become renowned pick-up artists in their own right, teaching along Mystery in his famed Attraction Bookcamp. During his seminars, students learn how to employ surefire openings and transitions to “close the deal” with beautiful women in bars and coffee shops.
1st Tier is Attraction: In this tier, a man is simply trying to prove his higher value to the women he is trying to seduce.
2nd Tier is Comfort- Mystery says that most of a man’s time, 90% percent, will be spent on this part of the seduction. The comfort phase is the man’s attempt to establish rapport, build up trust and a connection with a woman. The purpose of this tier is to let a woman know that the man’s interest is real and genuine.
3rd Tier is Seduction- In this tier, the man is now moving toward sex or into a more physical relationship. The man must learn how to deal with a woman’s natural apprehension at being intimate with a new partner.
Some students have also asked for instructions on how to pick-up women in the online world, an area that is new to the master. That’s why I am honored to be asked by Mystery to lecture at his next Pick-Up Artist Bootcamp as a Master Online Blogosphere Pick-Up Artist. Any male reader of Citizen of the Month who enrolls by October 1st will receive a 15% discount on the $3260 price for the one day seminar (a bargain!). I will be sharing much of my knowledge of seducing women online, so you can do it too. The presentation will be informative and entertaining, and bagels will be served.
Some of the Magic Bullet Pick-Up tips that will be included in my seminar are:
1) Should I comment on the blogs of hot women to show my interest in having sex with them?
Yes, but only once. Never comment on their blogs again. By commenting more than once, you lose your higher “value.” Make your first comment your set piece, an indicator of interest, and then let the woman come to you. And she will. Women enjoy the chase. Sometimes I even delete comments on my own blog from really hot babes because it makes them think that I don’t care or need them. These “neg hits” only makes them hotter for me.
2) Should I bother interacting with married women online, since I’m probably not going to get into a relationship with them?
This is the question of a complete beginner. Any true online pick-up artist knows that he has a BETTER chance of getting some action with a married woman than some single woman looking to get married. Married women don’t want a relationship. They just want to get some lovin’ from someone who doesn’t complain every night about doing the dishes. You try being married to the same schlub for five, ten, fifteen years! Believe me, if I had gone to BlogHer, I wouldn’t be able to walk after meeting up with all those mommybloggers. Just remember that a married woman has experience, so it is important to step up your inner game and work on your self-confidence.
3) Aren’t you worried that if a online fling with another blogger goes bad, that she will write nasty stuff about you on her blog? Or make disparaging comments about the size of your penis?
Yes, of course. There is always that fear. That’s why, for my own protection, I always take a video of all my first sexual encounters with my web cam, so I can blackmail the woman later on with threats of publishing the video on Youtube. I call this technique “Second Tier Protection.”
3) I get nervous whenever I go to a woman’s blog, sometimes so much that I get dizzy and can’t even read the post. What can I do about this problem?
Don’t worry about it. I never read any posts by women. Stay focused on your goal — getting into her pants. Reading the post just wastes your time from commenting on as many posts by female bloggers as possible. And don’t spend too much time on writing your comments either. I always write something vague that fits 99% of all posts by women, but with some added suggestiveness to show my attraction. For example, one of my favorite comments is, “You go girl! Listen to your heart and you will make the right decision. You are a beautiful woman, both inside and outside. I feel that I have known you all my life. And I love your new hair style. Is there anyone sexier than you?!” I use this comment at least seven or eight times a day.
4) I already have a girfriend, but I like to sleep with a lot of women. Should I make a mention of my girlfriend on my blog?
Absolutely. By showing that you are already involved, you give yourself added value, and you don’t appear desperate. Notice how I’ve created this whole “Sophia as separated wife” nonsense on my blog. It’s quite brilliant. Women feel safe with me because they think I am married. At the same time, I can ask them to take off their bras for me on IM, and explain it away as my “frustrations” of being separated from my lovely wife, which woos them with self-pity. I call this gambit “The Horny Teddy Bear.”
Neil Kramer has been writing about his life online since 2005. He has worked for Disney and HBO. Neil lives in NYC. You can contact him at neilochka on yahoo.
