Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: NaBloPoMo

The State of NaBloPoMo vs. Neilochka

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Bailiff: The State of NaBloPoMo vs. Neilochka!

Prosecution:  Your honor, On October 31, as part of NaBloPoMo, Neil “Neilochka” Kramer signed a contract stating that he would write a blog post every day in November.   On November 9th, he wrote a lame misogynist “post,” if you can even call it a post, on his blog, Citizen of the Month, which was about him sleeping with six women at once.   Hoping that the post might inspire some female blogger to actually offer herself on Saturday night to being part of the experiment, Mr. Kramer decided to keep the post displayed on top of the front page for an additional day, during November 10th.   Thus, the same post was displayed on two separate days, disqualifying him from being an active participant in NaBloPoMo.   However, he refuses to accept responsibility for his actions, and willingly continues to post to his NaBloPoMo site.   We have no other solution but to take legal action.   Thank you.

Judge: Neilochka, your response.

Neilochka:  Thank you, your honor.   I will be representing myself.   Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.   Every morning, I wake up and do a little reading.   And what do I read?   Blogs?   Email?   No, the Good Book itself.   In Genesis, God creates the world in six days, and rests on the seventh. Did he really create the world in six day?   Or does his “six days” represent something much different?  Some scholars think that God’s six days can be thousands of years in human years, which helps us unify the worlds of religion and evolutionary science.

Many in the blogging community consider me a “God” as a blogger, one who operates under his own rules.   After all, isn’t my blog my own creation, one that comes forth from myself?   When I accepted my commitment to NaBloPoMo, I DID say that I would blog every day in November.   But WHO is to say that your “day” is the same as my “day?”   Perhaps my day is actually TWO of your days?   Why should God get a free pass in creating the world in “six days,” when I have to follow your cliched idea of what a “day” means?

Clearly, the only explanation is that those who insist that I be expelled from NaBloPoMo are the same people who hate God, and everything good in the world.   Do you really want to be one of those people?

I rest my case.

NaBloPoMo – Day One (or Funny Women are Hot)

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“Daddy, Daddy!” he cried, and I ran up the stairs, leaping over the Thomas LEGO Train  that I swore I put in the toy box just an hour ago.   “I’m coming,” I yelled.  Who knew that becoming a father would be like this — a life of big joys and even bigger anxieties?  When I entered his room, David was on the floor, still wrapped in his Transformers-themed blanket, his finger extended, showing me the “boo-boo.”

Sophia entered the room, interrupted the flow of my story.     

Sophia:  “What are you writing?  (looking over my shoulder at the monitor)  Who is that kid with us?”

Neil:  “I’m not sure.  While I was cleaning my desk, I found this disk of photos from 2001.  Do you know who he is?”

Sophia:  “Hmmm… no. ”

Neil:  “Is it possible that we had a child and we forgot?”

Sophia:  “You mean like we brought him shopping and left him there… and then forgot?”

Neil:  “You do have a habit of losing your keys.”

Sophia:  “If anyone would lose our child, it would be you.   Where’s my red bra you “said” you brought back from the laundromat?”

Neil:  I did bring it back.

Sophia:  OK, fine.   What’s the difference?  He’s not our kid.   He doesn’t even look like either of us.”  

Neil:  “I think I still have that sweater, though.”

Sophia:  “No, that’s the one you shrunk in the wash and we use as a rag.”

Neil:  “In case anyone asks, let’s call him David.”

Sophia:  “Asks about what?”

Neil:  “About our fake son.”

Sophia:  “And why are you writing your post like you are a father?”

Neil:  “I read on Twitter that one of those parenting blogs is looking for a writer.  I think they pay.   But you need to write about subjects such as “Daddy Depression.”

Sophia:  “Oh yeah?   Write away, Dad.”

Neil:  “I wonder why there aren’t any “Separated Husband” Blogs that pay bloggers?”

Sophia:  “You can start one.”

Neil:  “Eh, who would read it?  Every day it would be the same article —  “New Ways to Play With Yourself — Part #78.  I probably should just stick to Hollywood.  Online, I have no marketable niche.  I know very little about style or food or babies or gadgets.  I know nothing.  Well, I guess there ARE sex blogs out there…”

Sophia:  “Yeah, but you don’t know much about that either.”

Neil:  “Ha Ha.”

We laughed — we laughed for a very long time.  (Women, write this down.  It doesn’t matter the size of your boobs or what type of nail polish you wear.  If you can make a man laugh, you’ve won him.)  

Sophia:  “And what is this NaBloPoMo you’re doing?”

Neil:  “We’re all supposed to write a post every day in November.”

Sophia:  “Why?”

Neil:  “Why?  Why? Why so many questions?”

Sophia:  “Just curious.”

Neil:  “I don’t know why I’m doing it?  Some big-shot blogger somewhere wants us to do it, and we all follow like sheep.  That’s why!”

Sophia:  “But what can you write about EVERY DAY?  Do you have that much to say?” 

Neil:  “I can write about my life.   My adventures.   My wild sex life.  My female readers are always curious about what I’m like in bed.”

Sophia:  “I think these photos from 2001 might give your readers some idea…”

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Seriously, funny women are hot.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   Male Nurse

I’m Taking My Last Post Down

I just got up and read my last post from last night.  I really hate it.  It isn’t funny and it is vulgar, ripe with anxiety, insecurity, and sexual frustration.   

You know what, I’ve changed my mind. I’m keeping it up as a perfect example of an “improv” type post that just gets thrown online.

Scary, isn’t it?

Thanks, Fussy, for your NaBloPoMo. You’re turned me into a raving lunatic.

P.S. — Megan makes an interesting point in the comments.  Why is my penis always berating me?  We should be the best of friends, considering how much pleasure we’ve given each other, with others and even when it is just the two of us having a special night together.  Maybe I just don’t feel comfortable with his aggressiveness and his selfishness — it doesn’t feel like “me,” who is very polite.

Why am I revealing this to strangers?

Oh, and I had a little tiff with Sophia last night, so I’m a little grouchy.  (uh, not about that — it was about closet space — it’s a long story)

A Dull, Throwaway Post for NaBloPoMo

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Yesterday, I complained about NaBloPoMo and how difficult it is to post every single day AND comment elsewhere.   Of all the responses I received, I found this one from Mo to be the most interesting:

I think the fun of NaPoBloMo is the crappy posts. I love seeing inside my favorite bloggers a bit more- and what better than the stuff they come up with in order to write every day?…  it’s fun to break down the definition of your “perfect post”, and post things you would ordinarily dismiss. I think it helps expand us as bloggers/writers.

Hmmm… she might be right.   I don’t know why I’m so anal about my posts.   I’m not a perfectionist in anything else I do.  What’s so wrong with putting up crappy posts?  Am I so starved for attention that I fear abandonment if I started writing dull throwaway posts?  You wouldn’t abandon me, would you?  You’re my buddies now!  Right?

I have a friend who is really into improv acting classes.   Once, he invited Sophia and I to attend his group’s “showcase” night.   They were doing a “strict” form of improv that night which required the actors to be totally honest.  They were supposed to be “real” rather than be funny or do anything to pander to the audience.  

My friend loved this type of improvisation, but it was TORTURE being in the audience watching it.  The scenes went on forever.  The actors acted as if they were in real life.  Unfortunately, in real life, most people just go “uhhh” and stand around a lot.

But there is a lesson here.  Maybe if I ignore the audience, I will grow as a writer.   NaPoBloMo will be easier since I can be more “stream of consciousness.”   I wouldn’t worry about being “entertaining” and I can just ramble on about nothing even more than I already do.  And you will still like me, even as a boring nudnik, because you are kind, caring —

Neil’s Penis jumps in, interrupting.

Neil’s Penis:  And you crazy?  No one wants to read your boring shit.  Maybe on Tuesday, but not right before the weekend.

Neil:  What’s the difference?

Neil’s Penis:  Are you a dimwit, Neilochka?.  Don’t you get it?  If a woman is reading your stupid blog on a weekend, there’s only one reason why.   Her boyfriend is out of town and there’s no one around to f**k her! 

Neil:  Penis, that is really crude to say.

Neil’s Penis:  I’m a f***ing c**k.  How do you want me to speak?  

Neil:  Women don’t like to hear these words.

Neil’s Penis:  Sure they do.  Women WANT to be entertained, not bored with your wimpy polite REAL personality. 

Neil:  My REAL personality?

Neil’s Penis:  That’s right.  I make you interesting, not YOU.  So, dance, you motherf***ing blogger, dance!  That’s your job…

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A Year Ago on Citizen of the MonthA Few Good Men

 

NaComPoMo

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First of all, thank you for voting me in as President at Heather Anne’s Hoagies.   The best thing about the election was that I learned about some really cool new blogs, including Heather Anne’s.

Currently, I have two items on my presidential agenda:

1)  Pushing for the legalization of gay marriage.

2)  But — after attending the Pet Shop Boys concert last night, I have also decided to ask for a ban on gay men wearing tight tank tops in public concert halls.

For last nine days, I have been participating in NaBloPoMo (National Post Blogging Month), conceived by the popular blogger, Fussy.  The idea of NaBloPoMo is that a blogger should post every day for the month of November.  While the idea is brilliant and I will continue doing it, I’m beginning to think it is the worst blogging concept ever created.

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I had an email exchange with Stacy at Jurgen Nation yesterday about how our readership has done a nosedive because so many bloggers are struggling with writing every day.   I have hardly read or commented on anyone’s blog because I feel overextended with writing every day.  This is embarrassing to admit, but I actually started crying yesterday as I was making my way down my blogroll, my body going into sensory overload from caring about the lives and dreams of so many people, and feeling as if I were “falling behind.”

Has anyone ever had a nervous breakdown from blogging?

On Saturday, I attended a writing group at the home at the inspiring Leah Peah.  There were a number of bloggers there, including one of my favorites, Deezee of Confessional Highway, who I carpooled with to Leah’s home.  I found it interesting to hear about the different motivations for starting a blog.  Some approached blogging as a purely promotional tool for themselves or their business.  Others use blogging to nurture their writing or creativity.   I blog for both those reasons, but if I were really honest, my main motivation is that I like to talk with hot babes living in faraway places like Belgium, considering I would probably never have to nerve to talk to these accomplished women in real life.   So, sue me for telling the truth!  I love the social part of blogging.  If I really wanted to “focus on my writing,” I’d write a book, rather than exploiting my relationship with Sophia for your enjoyment (and for free!). 

Last February, Fashion Week Daily interviewed six of the blogging success stories while all dressed in sexy pajamas (so don’t blame me for sexing up the blogging world).  One of the questions was,  “How often do you blog?”

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Jessica Cutler (www.jessicacutleronline.com): Whenever I feel like it, but never more than an hour per day.

Heather Hunter (www.thisfish.ivillage.com/love): Five hours a week.

Mimi Foe (www.miminewyork.blogspot.com): Usually about five or ten hours total [each week].

Melissa Lafsky (www.opinionistas.com):  About 20 or 30 minutes a day, if you count answering comments and e-mails.

Tweny mintutes a day!  It takes me that long just to wait for WordPress to publish a post and ping it to Technorati!

It’s clear to me that these women have moved beyond the blogging community, because there is no way to be part of it and blog 20 minutes a day (including writing posts!)  I see nothing wrong with this if you make this decision.  I might one day decide to just focus on writing rather than caring whether Charming but Single gets a date for Saturday night.

NaBloPoMo is great for your writing, but terrible for blogging.  If everyone really wrote EVERY SINGLE DAY, including weekends, no one would read anyone else.  We would be a bunch of highly creative writers writing for ourselves and our mothers.   I was much happier writing FOUR times a week.

Can I suggest a NaComPoMo for the month of December, where every blogger promises to COMMENT on at least one new blog a day to keep the interaction of the blogosphere going strong.   Hey, commenting is writing, too.

I truly believe that most of the best writing on my blog is done in the comment section.  I had this little exchange with Sophia while driving to the Pet Shop Boys last night:

Sophia:  Have you thought about putting advertisements on your blog? 

Neil:  I have.

Sophia:  So, do it already.  No one cares if you make a few dollars.

Neil:  You’re right.  But it seems a bit unfair.   Part of the fun of each post are the comments.  It’s like part of the post.  Make believe I make sixty dollars a month on the blog.  Shouldn’t I give each commenter 2% of the profits for their contribution?

The idea didn’t go over very well.

A Year Ago in Citizen of the MonthTruth in Advertising
 

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