the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: Blogroll

Blogroll

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I used to love adding bloggers to my blogroll.  Every time I would add a new name, it was as if I was sleeping with a new exotic woman — sometimes a redhead, sometimes a biology professor, sometimes a mother with three children.  There were some cool guys also, but with them, it was more snuggling than anything else. 

I now have 300 people on my blogroll, and even I have trouble performing to my potential when I am bed with so many people at once.

Would it be so terrible if I deleted my whole blogroll and started from scratch?  This way, it would be like I’m a virgin for the very first time.  I also might be more apt to reconnect with some of you that I haven’t in a while.  There’s something about having a person’s name on a list that makes me take them for granted, like I bought the DVD, so now I don’t have to actually watch it.

Sophia, my blog editor, is worried that this might make my Technorati “rating” plummet, but honestly — can my blogging salary go any lower than it already is?

I’m curious, how do you approach your blogrolls?  Why do we even have them?  We all know where each of us lives on the blogosphere.  Longtime readers of this blog know that I’ve been struggling with my blogroll for a long time.  Once, I became so desperate for a way to organize it that I  suggested making categories based on whether or not a blogger trimmed his/her pubic hair!  (I was a lot more immature in my early days of blogging)

I don’t like it when bloggers are so cliquish that they only include FOD (Friends of Dooce), but at the same time, why do people add blog-linkrolls of 400 Blog Chicks?  How many relationships can one person have?  I find it difficult enough being involved with Sophia, or having two IM conversations at once, or even reading about one of Margaret‘s dates-gone-bad in the morning on Bloglines without spilling hot coffee on my pants. 

I’ve met three bloggers in New York this week, so maybe I’m craving more from my interactions with others online.  But don’t worry — that does not mean I’m going to send you photos of my penis.  Not yet.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the MonthWacky and Intellectual Gifts

How to Become My “Crush of the Day”

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On my last post, Eekat asked a very important question in the comments:

What does it TAKE to become your crush of the day, anyway?

It occured to me that while I was blabbing on about my blogroll and ways to improve my relationships with my blogging-pals, I never fully explained how my “crush of the day” works.  I would love to explain the complicated mathematical formula —

comments x 3+posts/x-Blogger+%blinking banners-y/words in comment+/-profile photo = crush of the day

— but it is probably over most bloggers’ heads, so I won’t get into the details.

 But it is possible to increase your odds.

 Here are ten ways to insure yourself a position as a Crush of the Day.

1.  Write a comment on my blog using the phrase, “You are a genius.”

2.  Find me a really good job or literary agent.

3.  Email me nude photos of yourself. (women only)

4.  Join “Bloggers with Biceps,” forget to exercise, and donate twenty dollars to me.

5.  Name your newly born son Neilochka.

6.  Name your newly bought vibrator Neilochka. (women only)

7.  Convince Dooce to comment on my blog, saying “My blog sucks compared to this.” 

8.  Start a site titled “Sexiest Men on the Blogosphere” and only list me.

9.  Be related to someone important.

10.  Threaten me.

Reading Others

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Question from Reader:  Do I really read all those blogs on my blogroll?

Answer:  Yes.

Question from Reader:  Do I go through the list alphabetically or geographically?

Answer:  Neither.  Every endeavor deserves a plan, and I have devised a very specific plan for reading those on my blogroll.

The Plan:

First I read all the blogs of unattached women.  I always write a comment on their sites, making sure I say something flattering and flirtatious.  I remind them that I may be soon available for dating.

Next I read all the blogs of women who have boyfriends or husbands. I also write a comment on their sites, making sure I say something as flattering and flirtatious as I did with the other women.  As with the unattached women, I remind these women that I may be available soon for dating — and I have no problem with them cheating on their spouses.  I also try to write something disparaging about their boyfriends or husbands, hoping to stir up trouble and break up their relationship, making it easier for me to "score" with a woman on the rebound.

Next, I read the blogs of the men, but only those men with connections to publishers, producers, Hollywood agents, or waitresses at Hooters.  I always write a comment on their sites, making sure I say something flattering and ass-kissy.  I remind them that I’m looking to advance my career or to meet their sisters, and even sometimes their mothers if they had them at an early age.

After that I reread all the women once again, writing a suggestive comment to their comment, which commented on my comment.

At about 2 a.m., I click onto the sites of all the other men — those without important connections.  I don’t actually read anything on their useless blogs.  I just click on their sites for show.

After that I reread all the women, writing a extremely sexy comment to their comment, which commented on my suggestive comment, which commented on my original flirtatious comment.

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