Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

How to Become My “Crush of the Day”

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On my last post, Eekat asked a very important question in the comments:

What does it TAKE to become your crush of the day, anyway?

It occured to me that while I was blabbing on about my blogroll and ways to improve my relationships with my blogging-pals, I never fully explained how my “crush of the day” works.  I would love to explain the complicated mathematical formula —

comments x 3+posts/x-Blogger+%blinking banners-y/words in comment+/-profile photo = crush of the day

— but it is probably over most bloggers’ heads, so I won’t get into the details.

 But it is possible to increase your odds.

 Here are ten ways to insure yourself a position as a Crush of the Day.

1.  Write a comment on my blog using the phrase, “You are a genius.”

2.  Find me a really good job or literary agent.

3.  Email me nude photos of yourself. (women only)

4.  Join “Bloggers with Biceps,” forget to exercise, and donate twenty dollars to me.

5.  Name your newly born son Neilochka.

6.  Name your newly bought vibrator Neilochka. (women only)

7.  Convince Dooce to comment on my blog, saying “My blog sucks compared to this.” 

8.  Start a site titled “Sexiest Men on the Blogosphere” and only list me.

9.  Be related to someone important.

10.  Threaten me.

46 Comments

  1. #5 is going to take me at the very least, 9 months, I’m too poor to buy #6, but I am sort of related to the writer of “A Little Sex”.

  2. Did I ever mention that you’re a sexy genius, Neil?

    Pick me, Pick me!

  3. You really are a genius, you know?

    Have I ever been your crush of the day? I always forget to check to see who it is. Will. pay. attention now.

  4. Being a New Zealander I will instead offer my rarity (there are only 4 million of us) and the purity associated with living so far from the rest of the world … ‘may a little of my kiwi purity rub off on your blog and make it shine so that dooce notices it’.

    The preceding sentence was a kiwi blessing … a blessing I invented I invented just for you.

    Lol, hi Neil.

  5. Dammit, ruined it with that repeated ‘I invented’- although it could be read in an incantationey kind of way … sigh, serves me right for changing things around … do you think it comes across as intentional, or merely whacky?

  6. First off, Dooce is way overrated. I’d choose reading your blog over hers anytime. Secondly, you are hilarious but you know that. And third of all, if any woman sent you nude pics, “Sandy” would track their ass down and make them sorry they were born. Otherwise…I totally would.

  7. oh my god, i got all tingly when i saw this post. it’s almost BETTER than being made crush of the day.

    i, too, think you’re a sexy genius (even though i have no idea what you look like), and i’d definitely go after you if i wasn’t married….AND i DO actually plan on naming my next male child neil (though i’m afraid i decided this long ago, before i knew of your existence)….as for the agent part, well, i’m barely on speaking terms with my own…

    oh please make me your crush…OR ELSE.

  8. threaten you, eh? All right, you sexy genius. Do it … OR ELSE.

    (empty threats are OK, right?)

  9. How about I engrave “Neilochka” on a chrome vibrator in fancy cursive, pass it around a SUSAA (“supermodel sex addicts anonymous”) meeting for the members to “use”, and then present it to you (unwashed, of course) in a custom acrylic case at a pompous ceremony held at Shakey’s Pizza.

  10. Ah, Neil you tease you. I already said you are a comic genuis. And I commended your honesty about not going to the gym and when you did go to the gym, I complimented you – even if you did eat gelato afterwards. Just because I’m halfway across the world, does this mean I don’t qualify? I do my best via long distance! 🙂 And I agree w/ your friend, Dooce is way overrated. She just got all the publicity in that one article. Now if you could get someone to write about you in the NYT, you’d be too busy even to read our comments, much less consider any and all crushes! Probably best to stay as you are, being a psuedo bachelor and famous blogger boy-toy. 🙂

  11. Maybe I did threaten you 😉

    I enjoyed being a Blog Crush of the day anyhoo! And here’s my speech which I missed making.

    “During my reign as Neilochka’s Blog Crush, I want to achieve world peace. Oh and calorie free Doritos.”

  12. Neilochka, you are — without a doubt — the sexiest man on the internet.

    Now make me your crush of the day or DIE!

  13. Do I really need to join “Bloggers with Biceps” or can I just send the cash? That first step just seems so unnecessary.

  14. You guys are so funny. That is so hot. 

    And, Eekat, for some reason your “OR ELSE” scared me the most, so I dumped the last crush and put you there instead.

  15. “Be related to someone important.”
    Apparently Arthur Miller was a distant distant DISTANT cousin on my mother’s side. So by marriage, I’d have also been related to Marilyn Monroe.
    Does that qualify for “crush” material?

  16. Where are the snacks? I heard there would be snacks here.

  17. How about I name my newly born tomato plant “Neilochka”??

  18. Neil: OHMIGAWWWWDDD!!!! You are SO hot! THANK YOU! You made my day/night….

  19. You’re a genius Neil. I have found you a literary agent named Herb Goldblatt, who’ll be calling in the morning. You can find various “sundry” pics of me posted all over the internet, just google me. $20 is in the mail because I forgot to exercise and use my new “fun friend”, Neilochka. But that’s okay, my scheduled c-section for my new little son, Neilochka, will be plenty of exercise. (Oh, and by the way, Dooce interrupts this post to say, his blog sucks compared to yours). I told him if he likes this blog, he should see my new blog “sexiest men of the blogosphere”. You’re the only person I could think of posting there. I mean, even though Tom Cruise is my first cousin once removed by marriage on my husband’s side, that’s no reason to make me your blog crush. But…you better, or that damn penis you keep rambling about…gets it.

  20. Neil, apparently the California heat today has gotten to Cruisin-Mom. Please forgive her rambling…

  21. I don’t need your fame to validate my existence in the blogosphere!!! I’m cool all by myself (at least thats what mom says). Besides, I don’t ho myself out to just any old blogger….only to ones whose posts consistently get more than 40 comments….per hour…and no repeats.

  22. i’ll write a limerick about you if you pick me!!!

  23. Hi Neil- well, after reading your logical and witty post, I think I understood your formula for ‘blog crush’ choice. It basically mathematically expresses that you need to have someone comment on at least three of your posts, right? They obviously must be a blogger, but you’re not too keen on them blinking banners- you like to enjoy what you’re reading so what they say counts (I assume it’s about how nice they are to you, too, right?), and obviously- let’s not forget the physical- a photo that makes you think- mmmm!. I have seen a male blogger in your crush of the day recently- does that make you a bit bi-curious? Anyway, I have a name for my vibrator already- and anyway, it’s pink and has three sticky out things so you probably woulnd’t want to be named after it anyway. So,..sigh. Guess I won’t be your crush of the day anytime soon 🙁 boo.

  24. You’re my crush of the day, Neilochka. Of the year, actually.

  25. Um, ladies, boys really like it when you play hard to get. It’s all about the chase. That’s why I’ve been ignoring Neilochka.

    I wouldn’t be his crush of the day if he BEGGED me …

  26. Okay… I met Fyvush Finkle. Doesn’t that count for anything, you big sexy genius you?

  27. Thanks for making me laugh out of my pain – LOL

    Now just talk Sophia into giving me some TLC like she does you when you are sick.

  28. Dear Neil,

    I intend to become inpregnated very soon in order to name the product of that coupling Neilochka. Boy, girl, whatever, I am naming it after you in the hopes that one day it will achieve only half the genius you posess.
    Now, my good friend Dooce tells me that you will be getting a call soon because your inspired writing is as blinding as the sun and outpaces her stuff by a mile. You are one lucky dawg, Neil, because I also convinced her to send you photos of her boobs.

    But still, all this is what I would normally do, because I am totally infatuated with all things neilochka, and if you don’t make me your crush of the day I’ll whine about you on my blog and the tens of people who read it will harbor ill feelings toward you and totally alter your aura for now and generations to come.

  29. You don’t already have a great job? And you live in L.A. – didn’t they assign you an agent when you got here? That’s how it works, right?

  30. You mean not everyone names their vibrators Neilochka???
    I guess you are a genius 😉

  31. Bonus points:

    Scarlet – for the offer of getting pregnant

    Stephanie – for knowing what to say

    Alison – for sucking up

    Di – for being from New Zealand

    Stefanie – for the offer of nude pics

    Supa – for scary threats

    JackT – for hitting on another guy

    Paris – for calling me a boy-toy

    Lisa B – for appreciating the honor

    Sandra – for our night in Hong Kong together (imaginary, but nice)

    Dagny – for understanding the value of bribery

    Pearl – for knowing I always liked Arthur Miller

    Brooke — for caring about the food — how Jewish!

    Dave2 — for knowing I love tomatoes (good for lowering cholesterol)

    Cruisin Mom – for her cool ramblings.

    Femme Despoir – for the offer of a dirty limerick.

    Mari – for mentioning her vibrator.

    Miriam – for laying it on thick.

    Charming – for understanding that men always want the woman who doesn’t want them

    Erin – for knowing who Fyvush Finkle is.

    Tiff – for a good threat.

    Lessa – because I’ve already seen some of her HNT photos. Wow!

  32. You’re a homophobe, Neil. Why? Think about it: Kneel. Neil. See?

    Oh, wait. I meant homophone. Sorry.

    Hello, Neil.

  33. What? Phone home? Are you watching E.T. again, Scott?

  34. i think you’re my crush of the day (blushing)
    mmmmmmmmmmmm, younger men

  35. “Hey, cowboy, why don’t you take your boots off and come to bed.” And if you can name the movie you’ll be MY crush of the day.

  36. Hahahaha

    To be able to comment on your blog is already reward in itself. I dun wanna be your crush of the day… I just wanna be able to stalk and admire you quietly from afar.

    lol

  37. Les derniers seront les premiers A Celine Dion Song title. Am last to comment, you have to put me there first! What? NO, you’ve got no choice buddy, you must put me there because if you don’t…. hum!

    Fitèna

  38. I agree-your writing is so, so very much more interesting and funny than Dooce’s. Nothing against her, but hoping you can get your writing out there the way she did if you are indeed wanting to make a living from your blog the way that she is. No reason you shouldn’t be able to as well with some effort. And while I assume you were joking, no, I don’t do therapy online! I like too much seeing people eyeball to eyeball. (I do though know a guy in LA who I am convinced is one of the best therapists out there truly if you ever know of anyone in need!)

  39. Humming along with Neilochka….Hmmmm, hmmmm, HMMMMMM, OH.

  40. I leave town for two days and see what I miss? I can’t believe this…
    This was overall quite helpful; saves me the trouble of putting a poll into the field. Blog Crush — while a sought after position, the real question is how does one get elevated to your Blogroll?
    PS — 0ne picture on my page is nude, although cropped to above shoulders only (but if you sniff around, the full body shot will surface). (No, this is not the same as me sending you a nude photo.)

  41. Remind me which one I did?

  42. Anne — I was hoping for #1-9, but I think it was #10.

  43. What if I name my handheld massaging showerhead Neilochka?

  44. yeah – I already gave Neil a fabulous photo of me and my cleavage for his birthday on my blog and still no crush-post. I’ve given up hope.

  45. You never said we had to do them all, so make me your crush, bitch. Or else…

  46. Lauren — I do remember that fabulous photo. I look at it all the time. I did not forget you.

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