Question from Reader: Do I really read all those blogs on my blogroll?
Question from Reader: Do I go through the list alphabetically or geographically?
Answer: Neither. Every endeavor deserves a plan, and I have devised a very specific plan for reading those on my blogroll.
First I read all the blogs of unattached women. I always write a comment on their sites, making sure I say something flattering and flirtatious. I remind them that I may be soon available for dating.
Next I read all the blogs of women who have boyfriends or husbands. I also write a comment on their sites, making sure I say something as flattering and flirtatious as I did with the other women. As with the unattached women, I remind these women that I may be available soon for dating — and I have no problem with them cheating on their spouses. I also try to write something disparaging about their boyfriends or husbands, hoping to stir up trouble and break up their relationship, making it easier for me to "score" with a woman on the rebound.
Next, I read the blogs of the men, but only those men with connections to publishers, producers, Hollywood agents, or waitresses at Hooters. I always write a comment on their sites, making sure I say something flattering and ass-kissy. I remind them that I’m looking to advance my career or to meet their sisters, and even sometimes their mothers if they had them at an early age.
After that I reread all the women once again, writing a suggestive comment to their comment, which commented on my comment.
At about 2 a.m., I click onto the sites of all the other men — those without important connections. I don’t actually read anything on their useless blogs. I just click on their sites for show.
After that I reread all the women, writing a extremely sexy comment to their comment, which commented on my suggestive comment, which commented on my original flirtatious comment.
What about women without blogs?!
While sitting here in my Victoria’s Secret teddy,I was just wondering where I might fit in to your blogroll order, being that I’m a separated, yet still married, Hollywood producer, working at Hooter’s on the weekend? Oh, and did i mention,I just adore your rather large bolo.
First off, Tatyana needs a blog. No one with as many opinions as she has should be without one.
Second, I haven’t had a comment from you in I don’t know who long. And frankly, I’m rather hurt. I just knew you were visiting other women’s blogs.
Wait, you do all this flirtation on blogs and yet you’re still not getting laid? I think I need to make you an appointment with the Date Doctor.
Now that I think about it, you’ve never written anything flirty on my blog. Do you not realize I’m single? Or does it have something to do with me living in the IE, and am therefore not worthy?
Oh do tell, you hunka hunka burnin’ love.
You totally dissed me – I’m not even on your blogroll – I’m married but I know some people who know some people who know Spielberg!
What do you do about men who are now women who are single hollywood producers who are separated but not legally divorced yet?
This explains why email addresses are required to make comments. You are a sly one, Neil. But now that you have exposed your lecherous plot, the women of the blogworld are going to be expecting a much higher level of flirting else we move on to the other flirty men of blog.
Hey Pauly – you’re single?
I got several comments recently, I feel special 🙂 …I’m a chick, single, attractive…and I like chicks… so if you play your cards right, you could have more options than you ever thought possible…
The Inland Empire- oy. I thought that the only thing out there was a racetrack and that Guitar Center store I hear about on the radio.
Dang, ok I have gorgeous twin un-attached sisters you’d be interested in.
That should garner me some comments.
(okay so they ain’t my sisters, but they’re twins!)
Hmmm, I’m female and married. I work for a literary, non-fiction publisher part-time, have connections with Hollywood producers and directors and used to know someone who worked at Hooters. You’ve commented on my blog but since I’m fairly new to this, you probably held back from the flirtation and dissing my husband until you figured me out. Of course, knowing I’m an evil twin probably set some psycho radar bells off in your head. Although, normally those sorts of bells have a tendency to intrigue newly separated/divorced men, working somewhat like a siren on jagged rocks….
Thanks, Neil! Now I have further proof that men only have one ladder! 😉
Have I ever mentioned that I’ve always been attracted to men who wear horn-rimmed glasses?
I read my Blog Roll like how I look over scantily clad mall chicks working at Chick Filet…from top to bottom baby
Megan — When you first said you were living in the IE, I thought you were referring to Internet Explorer and not Inland Empire. Now that would make you worthy!
Josia — I’ll put you on the blogroll if you promise to never send me any Kaballah water.
Jenny — Just my luck. You were on the top of my list, and now I find out you’re into women! Isn’t that always the case with all the great ones? (let’s email privately and you can give me some tips on pleasing a woman)
Other women (who aren’t lesbians) — did I mention that you all look terrific today?
Other men — don’t look at me like that. As if you don’t do the same thing with your blogroll?
I thought you loved me for my mind! I feel so used.
Whether this is true or not I dunno. But it amused me. It was a tactic that sounded cynical enough that it might actually work too. I’ll have to give it a go sometime.
funny, when i was reading your post about internet dating, i was thinking that most of your comments are from women. from all those comments from women, you’ve gotta get lucky at some point. they seem to all be attracted to you in cyberspace, i don’t see why not in real life. you know it’s unusual for this many women to congregate around a guy unless he is that gay best friend. But you do have entertaining read. and we keep coming back.
There is no such thing as Kabbalah water!! I’ll send you some books if you want. And you can join us in the Catskills at our next event in September … Don’t forget to add me 🙂
Susan is correct, you have a large female constituency.
Susan — “itâ€™s unusual for this many women to congregate around a guy unless he is that gay best friend”
That is absolutely ridiculous and insulting to me and my manhood.
And I’ll see you tomorrow, Susan, for Sunday Brunch where you can tell me more about your latest boyfriend problems. We can cry on each other’s shoulders, girlfriend!
That is quite possibly the funniest shit I’ve seen all day. And I’ll have you know, getting home at 4 am, slinging drinks to a bunch of drunks and lushes – and drunk lushes – that’s saying a lot. Thanks for the laugh you funny funny man you.Sigh….
Clearly, a good policy you have, Neil. I think I started reading this blog a couple months ago, when you delurked on my site (were you flirting, and I didn’t notice?). At that point, you would often only garner a few comments per post (including mine, because, although I’m married, I’m supportive, particularly of other writers and those who are dealing with break-ups). Now, OMG, there are like 20-30 comments within hours of your posting. I’ve been left in the dust! Keep it up, funny guy, it’s working!
Having read your post, I feel honored to be on your blogroll! Oh, and maybe a little creeped out. I kid! 🙂
Do you favor west coast women over the east coast? It would make sense, but the east coast girls whom I know wait for your comments! 😉
my, you are naughty guy, neil.;) you had me laughing at 3 a.m…. all the way here from HK.
umm…yikes. why is everyone so fucking horny?
While I’m just flattered to be included in the blog roll, I’m glad I’m in the second round of blog reading.
And to those of you who think there is nothing to do in the IE, things are growing exponentially. Check out new places like Victoria Gardens in the Etiwanda/Rancho Cucamonga area (15 FWY at Foothill Blvd.) I now have no reason to leave the county!
Look, we all need a good shtupping once in a while and I applaud your methods. You choose the time and place, I’ll bring the lube, the tennis racket and the gimp.
So what is it that accounts for the flirting, suggestive comments you leave on my blog, Neil? Or should I say… Neilochka?!
You have no shame and I love it.
While sitting here in my Victoria’s Secret Teddy, I was wonderi–
Dang! Someone already took that line!
Hmm, I was wondering why all your visits were 1/10th of second long. That’s OK though, I only read yours in the hope of seeing Sophie.
I was actually going to comment today about how your url should actually be like chickswantneil.com or dyingtodateneil.com. My theory is that you are conducting a social experiment using the following steps:
1)Draw women to your site through said commentitillation (yes, I made up a word just for you).
2)Post entries that endear you to them, detailing your attraction to brainy and/or “real” women–flaws and all(this is disarming and makes us feel better about that thing we hate).
3)Retain enigma status by offering some, but not complete accessibility. No pictures, no details on your current lovelife.
4)Watch the sexytime explosion that ensues as your subjects outdo one another in an effort to prove that they are the most sexy, witty, and worthy of your attention.
Voila! Without even showing them a photograph, you have a pool of women virtually competing to be your next date and addressing you using terms of endearment.
Well done. 😉
See? See how I couldn’t do that without a winky face? Damn you!
Anonymous woman — I don’t know how you know me so well. You are either Sophia, my mother, or Elizabeth, the girl I once dated in grad school — the one who used ask me all those questions in bed about “my personal and life goals” that would cause me to end up sobbing uncontrollably.
Does that mean I win?
You know I had to do it that way for my own safety. Women can get vicious…
Plus, even though you’ve never said a cross word against any of them, my admirers are already quite jealous of you.
I’m a single woman and you have never, ever left a comment on my site. You’ve probably never even visited. I’m hurt.
Toooooo! Funny. Hmmm & true I bet. * wink*