Yesterday, rather than looking for work, I distracted myself in a new way: What type of Christmas and Hanukkah gifts should I buy for my beloved blogging friends? I spent an hour thinking about what type of people they are, hoping that this would help me better choose their ideal gifts.
First of all, they are a humorous bunch, always ready with a quick-witted comment. In fact, they are more than just amusing, they are downright hilarious at times. Even wacky!
But they are also more than "class clowns" or jokesters. They exhibit an aura of gravitas, of brainy wisdom. I even might consider them intellectuals!
So, here is my conclusion: they are wacky and intellectual. Where in the world am I going to find the perfect gift for Wacky Intellectuals?
Of course, my first instinct was to go to the most wacky and intellectual website on the internet, Google, where I searched for "wacky intellectual gifts" and BOOM — there I found it.
A site for WACKY INTELLECTUAL GIFTS!
It was like I suddenly hit the motherlode of crazy (but appealing to those with higher education) gifts!
Oh, boy, will my blogger babes go crazy when they find their very own Jane Austen Action Figure under their Darcy-themed Christmas Tree.
Much to Sophia’s dismay, several of my blogger friends are egghead liberals who hate Bush. What could be a better gift than the Lost Civil Liberties Mug — where they can watch their rights slowly disappear under the Bush Administration?
For some reason, half of my blogging friends always seem drunk or hungover when they post. For them, I will give the Great American Drinkers Shot Glasses, so they can make believe they are creative drunks like Oscar Wilde, writing something witty when they are soused off their ass.
Most of the New York bloggers seem very neurotic, even crazy, and spend half their salaries on analysis, and then talk about how bad their therapist is on their blog. I think they would most benefit from My Analyst Magic Therapy Ball.
I was really enjoying thinking about all my gift-giving. When I looked over all of the gifts on the web page, they clearly were what they were advertised to be — wacky and intellectual.
But then something stopped me in my tracks. Something threw me for a loop. I was confused.
By what, you might ask?
I was very confused by the inclusion of one item as being a wacky and intellectual gift:
For several hours I sat there in thought, rubbing the three-day growth on my chin. Why do they consider this to be a wacky and Intellectual gift? It’s not particularly wacky. And it doesn’t appear to be intellectual.
The website content certainly didn’t give me any clues:
Natural Sunlight Lamps Sale. Natural Sunlight Lamps can help with Seasonal Affective Disorders as they provide a Day-light spectrum for health and well being.
These lamps help reduce eyestrain and computer screen glare because they produce less glare Than Other 26-Watt Compact Fluorescent Lamps
* All lamps Covered by One-Year Free Replacement Warranty on Lamp and Fixture * The Vita-Lite Plus Compact Fluorescent Bulb Lasts up to 5 Years *10,000 User Hours
So, nu? Where’s the stuff about being wacky and intellectual?
Being the overly-curious type, I couldn’t put this issue to sleep. I decided to order one of these lamps, and I even paid extra for one-day shipping, just so I can report back to you — my readers — with my results.
At 10AM this morning, the doorbell rang. It was the UPS man with a delivery.
It was my Natural Sunlight Lamp!
I quickly assembled it and placed it on coffee table. I plugged it in and turned it on. The light went on. It was an attractive light that seemed a lot brighter than the bare 40 Watt bulb I usually have stuck in the socket in the ceiling.
But I have to admit, that I didn’t find the lamp either humorously wacky or intellectually stimulating.
I stared at it… and stared some more, and gradually I started to giggle. All of a sudden, I thought of all the wacky stunts that I could play on people with this lamp. Like a Galileo seeing the world in a new way, I "saw" the WACKY in the Natural Sunlight Lamp.
For instance, imagine you’re having a party on Saturday night and all of your friends are over. One of your friends goes into the bathroom. While he is in there, you decide to play a funny gag on him. You quickly take out the Natural Sunlight Lamp from the closet and turn it on, close the drapes, hide the lamp so he can’t see it, but making sure it still lights up the room, and tell everyone to hide. When your friend comes out of the bathroom, you ask him where he’s been all night? You say it’s the next morning and he was in the bathroom all night. Doesn’t he see that it looks like daytime? Your friend will be more confused than Rip Van Winkle. Just imagine the wacky expression on your friend’s face!
For a more sexy gag, how about inviting your next door neighbor for some nude sunbathing with your new "sun lamp"? Imagine the laughs when she finds out that she can’t get tan with this type of light!
Ok, wacky resolved. But what about intellectual?
This had me dumbfounded for another two hours, until the doorbell rang again. Could it be UPS again?
No. It was Charlotte, my neighbor, an attractive woman from Paris who was going for her doctorate in photobiology at UCLA. She wanted to know if I had some Cheerios that she could borrow.
"Of course" I said. "I always buy a couple of extra boxes of Cheerios at Costco."
As I went to my kitchen cabinet, her eyes lit up on seeing the Natural Sunlight Lamp on the coffee table.
"Oh my, a Natural Sunlight Lamp!"
"Yes, I just got it today."
"Did you know that natural sunlight travels at a speed of 186,000 miles a second from a source ninety-three million miles away — and it rates with food, water and air as part of the life-support system on earth."
Hmmm.. Miss Photobiology was very intellectual about this lamp. Yes, indeed. I tried to respond as intelligently as I could. Luckily, I had just read an interesting article about photobiology in the New Yorker.
"I was just reading this article that natural light is so important, it can also boost beef production. Cattle that spend "longer days" under correct artificial light are 10% to 15% heavier, with no increase in food consumption."
"Interesting. I didn’t know you took an interest in photobiology?"
"Oh, yes. Even though, the science of photobiology is a recent one. Some photobiologists say doctors showed little interest in the subject until about five years ago."
I handed her the box of Cheerios. My hand slightly rubbed against hers. She smiled at me.
"Actually, the American Society of Photobiology was just founded only eight years ago."
"Amazing, considering that there is nothing more interesting than light."
Before we knew it, I had her pinned against the wall and we were fucking like two light waves.
"Oh, my God," she shouted. "This is more fun than rating light by the color rendering index."
"You mean the CRI of 100?" I said as I thrust wildly.
"Yes, yes. With full-spectrum fluorescent being 100."
"Standard cool white, 91."
"Harder, harder. Fluorescent, 68."
"Other fluorescent being 56."
"It’s gonna… it’s gonna… Oh, there’s nothing like having an orgasm in Natural Sunlight…a little this way…"
We tilted to the side and I bumped into the coffee table. The Natural Sunlight Lamp flew off the table and crashed to the floor. It immediately BURST into flames. The coffee table caught fire. The fire alarm went off. The sprinkler shot water everywhere. Charlotte ran out of the apartment screaming for her life.
"Wait. Wait. Charlotte, don’t leave yet!" I screamed, running after her into the hallway with my cock still up.
But it was too late. She was just like the French. They act all intellectual, and when there is the first sign of trouble, they run like cowards.
I was foiled again.
After the fire department came, I threw the Natural Sunlight Lamp into the incinerator room.
"What a piece of shit," I told myself. "That’s the last time I buy anything online."
Anyway, I’m sorry. Forget those gifts I was going to give to you all. I don’t trust the quality of these wacky and intellectual gifts.