I’ve never done this before, but this post is really for just one person, my childhood friend, Tuck, who I know reads this blog. I went to the movies today and the studios are already promoting their summer movies. It seems as if every other movie now is based on some comic book adventure hero.
Today I was inspired, Tuck. I finally discovered the reason I moved to Los Angeles. It is a spiritual reason. It is my duty to write the screenplay to OUR favorite comic book! Of course, there will have to be a few changes to make it work as a summer film.
Imagine this trailer at your local movie theater —
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL -DAY
The camera zooms in on a typical American high school. Everything seems normal, the same as it is every day.
V.O. — “A typical day in suburbia. A typical day in school.”
INT. CLASSROOM – HIGH SCHOOL -DAY
We find ourselves in a chemistry class as Dr. Dolbell is showing a group of students an experiment in making dry ice.
V.O. — “But today is not a typical day. Because today, this peaceful bastion of education will change forever….”
One of the students, a practical joker, turns on his bunson burner.
Dr. Dolbell: “No!!!!”
There is a huge explosion. The entire school is engulfed in flames.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
A CNN reporter is standing in front of the fiery chaos. Stretchers are being rushed out to waiting ambulances and emergency choppers.
CNN Reporter: “Casualties are high. The local hospital is filled. The state has called for a state of emergency. This is the worst event that has ever happened to this quiet little community.”
A paramedic is quickly wheeling one of the injured.
Paramedic: “We need to get this one out now! He’s serious. I don’t know if he can make it.”
Although bloodied, we can see the young man on the stretcher, his red hair still neatly-coiffed. On his shirt, is written his name, “Archie Andrews.” In the background is the name of the school, “Riverdale High School.”
This used to be an illustration of the Archies, but now I am using this lame photo instead so I don’t get sued by Archie comics.
INT. RIVERDALE HOSPITAL – NIGHT
A large group of surgeons are at work, rushing back from one victim to the next. Five students are unconscious, side by side, each barely alive.
V.O. — “Archie Andrews, Reggie Mantle, Betty Cooper, Veronica Lodge, Jughead Jones. We can rebuild them. We can change them from typical high school students who are only interested in drinking sodas at the malt shop into a TEAM OF HIGHLY TRAINED KILLING MACHINES for a secret department of the United States Government.
EXT. RED SQUARE — NIGHT
V.O. — “Archie Andrews — is now THE FIREMAN!”
Archie, now as muscular as a boxer, extends his hand in the direction of a group of Russian renegade military officers. Fire shoots from his hand and incinerates the bad guys.
INT. TIMES SQUARE — DAY
V.O. — “Reggie Mantle is now DOCTOR PUNISH!”
Reggie stretches his body like rubber completely around the TKTS ticket both, lifts it from cement and tosses it at a meteor about to hit New York, knocking it away and saving the day.
INT. SAN BERNADO HOTEL – BUENOS AIRES – NIGHT
V.O. –“BETTY COOPER is the BLONDINATOR!”
Betty is making love with an Argentine drug dealer, when she sees him reaching for his knife. She wraps her thighs around his head and cracks his neck. He dies with a smile on his face.
EXT. FISH MARKET — SHANGHAI – DAY
V.O. –“Veronica Lodge is GOLDBITCH!”
Veronica is surrounded by three martial artists swinging nunchucks.
Veronica: “Well, hello boys. I always wanted a threesome.”
She whips out two golden revolvers.
“Daddy always told me that everything is better in gold.”
She blows them all away.
EXT. DESERT AREA – PAKISTAN – NIGHT
V.O. –“Jughead Jones is DJ Crown!”
Jughead is leading a team of Marines in to find Bin Laden while doing some impromptu rapping for the entertainment of the others. Jughead, looking through a nighttime telescope, catches a glimpse of Bin Laden trying to escape.
“Not this time, sucker!”
Jughead takes off his metallic crown and flings it like a frisbee, pinning Bin Ladin to the rock.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD – NIGHT
The five ex-high school students, now superheros, swagger down the street, towards the camera, each carrying their weaponry.
V.O. — “For these five high school students, school is definitely out for summer. It is out… forever. Riverdale, Riverdale, rah, rah…
A bus blows up behind our heroes. Flames and metal fly into the sky. They keep on walking to Jughead’s new rap hit “Sugar, Sugar, Sweet Bitch, Sugar.”
Note: This post is a parody and this blog is not affiliated or associated with Archie Comic Publications, Inc.