the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Bad Dialogue

The “love scene” from my latest screenplay, a romance titled “The Secret Affair of the Mommyblogger”:

The couple meet in his car, which is parked outside the “other” suburban Bed, Bath, and Beyond – the one the neighbors DON’T go to, because there is no Chipotle next door. The are immediately all over each other, the passion intense.

She: “I think we should put on the breaks.”

He: “And I think we should shift gears.”

She: “And I think I need an oil change.”

He: “And I think you turned on my ignition.”

She: “And I think you’ve just opened my glove compartment.”

He: “And I think I feel your airbags.”

She: “And I think we should go hybrid.”

He: “And I think your cupholder is convenient.”

She: “And I think I need a lube job,”

He: “And I think I’m going zero to sixty.”

She: “And I think we’re stuck in a fender bender.”

He: “And I think I’m overheating because of the steep incline.”

She: “And I think your timing belt needs adjusting.”

He: “And I think it is my internal combustion.”

She: “And I think you’re not watching the road signs.”

He: “And I think I blew a gasket.”

She: “And I think you stalled before I reached my destination. Hand me the GPS and I’ll get there myself. Then I need to pick up the kids from day camp.”

37 Comments

  1. blondefabulous

    Bwah ha ha ha!

  2. Finn

    LOL! Perfect…

  3. Ry

    I would like to thank you very much for getting R. Kelly’s Ignition (not the remix) in my head. For the record, this is a song that makes me laugh every single time.

    “Girl, please let me stick my key in your ignition,babe”

  4. Neil

    Ry —

    Girl, please let me stick my key in your ignition,
    babe
    So I can get this thing started and get rollin’, babe
    See, I’ll be doin’ about 80 on your freeway
    Girl, I won’t stop until I drive you crazy

    So buckle up ‘cause this can get bumpy, babe
    Now hit the lights and check out all my functions,
    babe
    Girl, back that thing up so I can wax it, baby
    Honey, we gon’ mess around and get a ticket, babe

    ‘Cause we off up in this jeep
    We foggin’ up the windows
    We got the radio up
    We all up in the back
    We got the s*** bouncin’
    We goin’ up and down
    And we smokin’ and we drinkin’
    Just thuggin’ it out

    Jump up, down once I hit them switches, babe
    And I’m about to take it where you wanna go, babe
    Guarantee you I’m about to get some knowledge, babe
    And it won’t be no runnin’ out of gas, babe

  5. Ry

    Oh the hilarity. I swear, I’ll never understand why people thought the remix was better…except for the murder she wrote line. That’s pure gold. I mean, only R. Kelly can compare sex with murder she wrote.

  6. nita

    for R Kelly most sex does involve some sort of crime…

    and when the first two lines were the actual lines i totally thought that was where it was going. i got punkd!

  7. Memarie Lane

    Dialog aside, the kissing noises are terrible. Sounds like someone mixing up pancake batter.

  8. texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana

    This almost makes the OTHER Bed Bath and Beyond worth the trip (if I drive through Starbucks on the way over).

    Seriously funny.

  9. churlita

    Somebody who brings up Murder She Wrote during sex is going to take me WAY out of the mood.

  10. V-Grrrl

    Remember “Give Me the Keys and I’ll Drive You Crazy” by Huey Lewis and the News?

    Me neither.

  11. Mary Beth

    The next time I’m driving with my mother and she says she thinks she needs an oil change, I will blame you for the soda snorting out my nose.

  12. Atomic Bombshell

    Mmm… Chipotle! Now I know where I’m going for lunch today. Thank you, Neil!

  13. Donna

    Funny!

  14. Fiesty Charlie

    You are the weirdest person I have never met… but I love your blog, everyday!

  15. kenju

    LOL!!!

  16. mp

    that is great…and the video..wow there is alot on you tube that I have never seen..

  17. tiff

    Now I know what it sounded like when the cast of “The West Wing” had illicit sex.

    Thanks for that.

  18. Pants

    My timing belt needs adjusting.

  19. Tootsie Farklepants

    I’m still cracking up at the Chipotle comment. Frankly I think Chipotle is overrated. I would totally go to the OTHER BB&B.

  20. John

    Haha. That sounds about right. : )

  21. John

    Oh, and our BB&B DOES have a Chipotle right out front!

  22. melanie

    keys, ignition, oil and GPS.

    thats all I need for a good “meet-up”.

  23. teahouseblossom

    Awesome!!

    Are you still in NYC? If so, email me and let’s get together before you go back to CA.

  24. Our Juicy Life

    Chipotle? I need to know what the draw is. Everyone here in Los Angeles is talking about Chipotle. We go and there is HUGE line…then we get up and it’s bowls, burritos and salads, that’s it. And it’s sort of like the soup nazi from Seinfeld. “What do you want”…I don’t know” I feel such pressure to decide, the line is waiting and anxious. We order, we eat and it’s just fast mexican food. That’s it! Don’t know why it’s so huge, it’s nothing special, I won’t go back. I do like the Chipotle bike racing team though.

  25. iMommy

    Teehee!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  26. Stella

    Every now and again, I read a post that makes me wheeze with laughter. This was that post.

    Thanks.

  27. better safe than sorry

    i have no idea what chipotle is, i thought it was a hot pepper or seasoning or something, sounds like it’s a restaurant.
    this is really awful, very bad writing, congrats.

  28. Anocsanamun

    AMAZING NEIL! As Always!! LOLol

  29. Annie

    :-).

  30. wa

    Why are you not down at NBC right now pitching this?

  31. sweetney

    snort. good ones.

  32. Ariel

    Ark, appalling! You deserve an award for this. 🙂

  33. Melissavina

    You should market this as a Lifetime Movie (Television for Women): A very special episode for the man in your life.

  34. nadia

    I have never laughed so hard! totally love the last line!

  35. headbang8

    At times like this, I’m glad I’m gay. Show us a bedroom, or a bathroom, and we’re already far, far beyond.

  36. sacmathew

    Hi,

    Whats the movie name ? Whats this lady’s name ?

  37. sacmathew

    PLease Neil, let me know the movie name and the Lady and that Man’s name

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