the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Movies and Television (Page 3 of 8)

Stereotypes about African-Americans: True or False

1) All black people say “M-Fer.” True or False?

From the Huffington Post:

During the September 19 edition of his nationally syndicated radio program, discussing his recent trip to have dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s, a famous restaurant in Harlem, Bill O’Reilly reported that he “had a great time, and all the people up there are tremendously respectful,” adding: “I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.” Later, during a discussion with National Public Radio senior correspondent and Fox News contributor Juan Williams about the effect of rap on culture, O’Reilly asserted: “There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, ‘M-Fer, I want more iced tea.’ You know, I mean, everybody was — it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn’t any kind of craziness at all.”

Answer: False. All Black People do NOT say “M-Fer.”

2) All black men are either athletes or rappers. True or False?

Season One, Dancing with the Stars: Evander Holyfield

Season Two, Dancing with the Stars: Jerry Rice and Master P

Season Three, Dancing with the Stars: Emmitt Smith

Season Four, Dancing with the Stars: Clyde Drexler

Season Five, Dancing with the Stars: Floyd Mayweather

Answer: True. If all I did was watch “Dancing with the Stars,” all black men are either athletes or rappers. Aren’t there any black actors in Hollywood to invite to be on the show? It’s getting to be a cliche.

Online Pick-Up Artist

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If you’ve ever seen “The Pick-Up Artist” on VH1, you know that a world-class pick-up artist like Mystery can meet, attract, and seduce beautiful women through using the proven principles of his seduction techniques. In his reality series, Mystery, shares his years of experience in the field with a group of male newbies, most of them too frightened to even talk to a woman. Through his training, men are taught the tricks of the trade, from opening a set, conversational gambits, peacocking, to building attraction. These principles, if used properly, can make any woman fall in love with you (or jump into bed with you).

Peacocking-when a man dresses to be noticed. Lets take Mystery for example, he wears nail polish, eye liner and has a unique but funky style. He also looks physically fit. He will immediately get attention when walking into a room, even before he approaches a woman.

Set- when the seducer approaches a group of women or a group of women and men, and then opens with a line or pitch to get them intrigued. Eg, open a set. But the way it is described, it is more than learning a ton of pick up lines, it is about understanding and committing to a deep system belief and a willingness to change one’s behavior. (via AC)

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Many of his students, those who have mastered the science of women, have become renowned pick-up artists in their own right, teaching along Mystery in his famed Attraction Bookcamp. During his seminars, students learn how to employ surefire openings and transitions to “close the deal” with beautiful women in bars and coffee shops.

1st Tier is Attraction: In this tier, a man is simply trying to prove his higher value to the women he is trying to seduce.

2nd Tier is Comfort- Mystery says that most of a man’s time, 90% percent, will be spent on this part of the seduction. The comfort phase is the man’s attempt to establish rapport, build up trust and a connection with a woman. The purpose of this tier is to let a woman know that the man’s interest is real and genuine.

3rd Tier is Seduction- In this tier, the man is now moving toward sex or into a more physical relationship. The man must learn how to deal with a woman’s natural apprehension at being intimate with a new partner.

Some students have also asked for instructions on how to pick-up women in the online world, an area that is new to the master. That’s why I am honored to be asked by Mystery to lecture at his next Pick-Up Artist Bootcamp as a Master Online Blogosphere Pick-Up Artist. Any male reader of Citizen of the Month who enrolls by October 1st will receive a 15% discount on the $3260 price for the one day seminar (a bargain!). I will be sharing much of my knowledge of seducing women online, so you can do it too. The presentation will be informative and entertaining, and bagels will be served.

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Some of the Magic Bullet Pick-Up tips that will be included in my seminar are:

1) Should I comment on the blogs of hot women to show my interest in having sex with them?

Yes, but only once. Never comment on their blogs again. By commenting more than once, you lose your higher “value.” Make your first comment your set piece, an indicator of interest, and then let the woman come to you. And she will. Women enjoy the chase. Sometimes I even delete comments on my own blog from really hot babes because it makes them think that I don’t care or need them. These “neg hits” only makes them hotter for me.

2) Should I bother interacting with married women online, since I’m probably not going to get into a relationship with them?

This is the question of a complete beginner. Any true online pick-up artist knows that he has a BETTER chance of getting some action with a married woman than some single woman looking to get married. Married women don’t want a relationship. They just want to get some lovin’ from someone who doesn’t complain every night about doing the dishes. You try being married to the same schlub for five, ten, fifteen years! Believe me, if I had gone to BlogHer, I wouldn’t be able to walk after meeting up with all those mommybloggers. Just remember that a married woman has experience, so it is important to step up your inner game and work on your self-confidence.

3) Aren’t you worried that if a online fling with another blogger goes bad, that she will write nasty stuff about you on her blog? Or make disparaging comments about the size of your penis?

Yes, of course. There is always that fear. That’s why, for my own protection, I always take a video of all my first sexual encounters with my web cam, so I can blackmail the woman later on with threats of publishing the video on Youtube. I call this technique “Second Tier Protection.”

3) I get nervous whenever I go to a woman’s blog, sometimes so much that I get dizzy and can’t even read the post. What can I do about this problem?

Don’t worry about it. I never read any posts by women. Stay focused on your goal — getting into her pants. Reading the post just wastes your time from commenting on as many posts by female bloggers as possible. And don’t spend too much time on writing your comments either. I always write something vague that fits 99% of all posts by women, but with some added suggestiveness to show my attraction. For example, one of my favorite comments is, “You go girl! Listen to your heart and you will make the right decision. You are a beautiful woman, both inside and outside. I feel that I have known you all my life. And I love your new hair style. Is there anyone sexier than you?!” I use this comment at least seven or eight times a day.

4) I already have a girfriend, but I like to sleep with a lot of women. Should I make a mention of my girlfriend on my blog?

Absolutely. By showing that you are already involved, you give yourself added value, and you don’t appear desperate. Notice how I’ve created this whole “Sophia as separated wife” nonsense on my blog. It’s quite brilliant. Women feel safe with me because they think I am married. At the same time, I can ask them to take off their bras for me on IM, and explain it away as my “frustrations” of being separated from my lovely wife, which woos them with self-pity. I call this gambit “The Horny Teddy Bear.”

Age of Love

“Does age matter in love? Hi, welcome to NBC’s summer show Age of Love. I’m your host, Mark Conseulos. You may remember me as the hunky but safe Latino hearthrob, Mateo Santos, from “All My Children,” until I left the show with my annoying wife, Kelly Ripa, after she got a much better job as a talk show co-host and then, five years later, pulled some strings to get me this lame reality show hosting job.

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The Age of Love is an important show. It answers the age-old question — in the realm of romance — who is better — twenty-something women or forty-something women? We will learn this answer by creating a whole series of irrelevant gimmicks that will help some dumb bachelor eliminate a new woman each week in some new, embarrassing manner.

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Meet Mark Philippoussis, an uncharismatic, not very good-looking tennis pro, with an unpronounceable name, who has the difficult role of choosing the love of his life from the network’s cliched choices of unstable single women who are desperate enough to appear on a summer replacement TV show.

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Our bachelor, Mark, is in the thirties. Don’t get our bachelor, Mark, confused with me, Mark, the host, although it seems a little dumb that the two men on the same show should have the exact same name, making things unnecessarily complicated whenever someone says “Mark.”

Now, traditionally, men like to date women that are younger than they are, but is that the case anymore?

Does age really matter in love?

Watch Mark as he romances the various women and French kisses all of them. From which age group will he pick his true love (who he will then drop two weeks after the show like a moldy tomato)?

Should he go for the naive idiocy of the twenty-something girl or the bitter, frustrated neuroticism of the forty-something woman? The youthful blank gaze of the twenty-something or the wisdom of the forty-something, who has had twenty extra years experience having disappointing sex with complete strangers? The brainless athleticism of the the twenty-something or the “Oh, shit, do I have to get out of the chair” laissez faire laziness of the forty-something? The perky fake breasts, standing at attention, of the twenty-something or the perky fake breasts, standing at attention, of the forty-something?

In fact, is it me, but don’t ALL of the women seem exactly the same whatever the age — really, really STUPID. Did all of these women grow up living in the same condo in Marina del Rey?

Luckily, our bachelor has a clear vision of what he wants from the perfect woman, whatever her age. Like most men already know, the real question is — who gives better oral sex, the twenty-something or the forty-something?

The Sanjaya of the Blogosphere

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My mother arrived in Los Angeles today, in preparation for Passover next week.   After she unpacked, Sophia and I showed her all of the birthday cards that I received from other bloggers.

“You see, Mom, friendship is more important than actually making a decent living through writing.” 

“Well, let’s not get carried away this…” added Sophia.

My mother opened up a cutesy hand-made card from a Canadian blogger.

“And so many women!”

“Neilochka’s very popular with female bloggers.” explained Sophia.

I beamed with pride.  My mother may have once imagined me as a Jewish doctor or lawyer, but I doubt she dreamed that I would grow up to become an international sex symbol. 

“You’re like that boy on TV,” she said.

“What boy?”

“The boy in American Idol.   The boy all the girls like.  The Indian boy.”

“Sanjaya?”

“Sanjaya!” Sophia repeated, laughing.

I felt insulted by my own mother.  She just nodded.

“When I saw him the first time on TV, I knew he was going to win.  He has so much personality.  So much more than his sister.”

“Personality!?  He’s awful,” I protested.

“Oh, yeah?  I bet you five cents that he wins.” offered my high-gambling mother, her recent Mah-Jongg winnings making her cocky.

For the rest of the day, my mother’s words rang in my head, making me wonder if I should have accepted that Prozac from that therapist last week. 

While my mother was upstairs, I cornered Sophia in the kitchen.

“I’m not like Sanjaya.  Am I?” I stuttered anxiously, acting just like a person with a dependent personality structure.

“Well, maybe your mother has a point.” said Sophia.   “I think little girls like Sanjaya because he is safe and non-threatening.”

“Are you saying female bloggers think I’m safe and non-threatening?”

“Well…”

There was a silence heard around Redondo Beach.

“How can I be safe and non-threatening?!  I’m always writing about sex… about how I want to f**k them!”

“Yeah, well… sure… you write about it.   Sanjaya also wore a mohawk last night, but that doesn’t mean he knows how to be a punk rocker.”

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A Year Ago On Citizen of the Month:  The Best Teacher I Ever Had

Apology to the City of Portland

I have many faults, but I try to own up to my mistakes, and apologize when warranted. I had a wonderful time in Portland. It is a beautiful city with excellent beer and fine citizens. I was especially impressed with Powell’s Bookstore, which I thought was even more impressive than the Strand Bookstore in New York. Unfortunately, I seemed to have angered many Portlandians when I mentioned in a previous post that Sophia and I saw only one black person in the entire city during our four days there, and this was the sax player in a fifteen member big band at a jazz club.

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Maybe I was wrong for bringing up this bit of random information on this blog, especially now that I know I was wrong.  There isn’t just one African-American in Portland.  There are TWO —

From the awful Donald Trump-produced Miss USA show on TV tonight — Miss Oregon from Portland

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Sophia: “Maybe it’s his daughter.”

Sophia Went to Temple with the Satin Slayer

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Someone has been killing half of the town of Pine Valley on “All My Children,” including the beloved Dixie Martin. This week, the mysterious and villainous “Satin Slayer” was revealed as Billionaire Alexander Cambias Sr.!   Not only was Alexander Cambias previously dead on the show, but this billionaire serial killer was famous for something even more important: in September, he helped Sophia obtain impossible-to get-tickets for temple during Rosh Hashanah services when they were both working on the same movie in New York.  The actor, Ronald Guttman, was playing a Rabbi, and Sophia was there as a Russian dialect coach par excellence.

I’d like to think that his good deed for Sophia was “paid back” by the producers of All My Children, when they brought him back to life again for such a juicy role.  Mr. Guttman, you are doing a smashing job, although to be honest, you look a little bit too kind and bohemian to be a serial killer. But, hey, you’re getting paid! We’re looking forward to the big scene where you and Zach Slater finally have your big showdown (and he will probably kill you).  But who knows? — maybe when Zach finally kills you, it won’t be forever.  After all, you were dead once before, and see…

Sophia and I even forgive you for killing off Dixie.

So, let this be a lesson to everyone out there. Do something kind for someone today and you will be paid back in an unexpected way — like being brought back to life to play a serial killer on a soap opera!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: the always popular “Briefs or Boxers” post

Remember:  Send Carnival of the Mundane links to neilochka at yahoo dot com.

Live-Blogging the 1987 Academy Awards

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I was going to live-blog the 2007 Academy Awards telecast, but I noticed that at least two thousand other bloggers were doing the same thing, so in my quest to be different, I will live-blog the 1987 Academy Awards show.

00:24 –Dianne Wiest wins Best Supporting Actress for “Hannah and her Sisters!”  Big surprise.  Ha Ha. And where’s Woody?  I bet any blogger ten bucks that Michael Caine wins Best Supporting Actor.

01:02 — Where’s my money?!  I was right.  Michael Caine redeems himself for Jaws 3!  Is this going to be a Hannah sweep?  And what the HELL was Faye Dunaway wearing?  Bob Mackie again?  You could practically see her nipples!

01:44 — Oh, my god.  Marlee Matlin wins best actress for “Children of a Lesser God.”  I don’t care if she’s deaf.  She’s HOT!  I mean in a way where I can actually visualize her going out with me, unlike Lauren Hutton.

02:10  — That dance number is just plain embarrassing.  I’m embarrassed for the dancers.  I think I even saw Goldie Hawn yawning.

02: 34 — That song from “Top Gun?”  Best song?  How lame is the academy anyway?

02: 55 — Paul Newman is a great actor, but he doesn’t deserve it for “The Color of Money.”  That movie sucked worse than his Ranch Dressing.  And I don’t like Tom Cruise AT ALL.  I think his career is going to fizzle out very soon.  Or he’s going to drop out of show business and join some cult.

03:13 — Is Warren Beatty drunk?  Will he EVER settle down?

03:45 — Jack… Jack… Jack… loved that exchange with Cher!  That was the best part of the show.

03:57 — Chevy Chase is the best host EVER!

04:12 — Yawn.  Please end.  Please end.

04:30 — OK, get ready for “A Room with a View”… to win…  or “Hannah” maybe… “Platoon?!”  “Platoon?!” WTF!   The Academy… always with their “message” film.  How predictable.   No wonder Woody never shows up.

04:32 — This was the most boring Oscars I’ve ever seen.  I hope one day… maybe twenty years from now, when there is a whole new generation of filmmakers, that the Oscars show will actually be interesting…

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  David Sedaris Ruined My Blog

Dixie Martin: R.I.P.

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The continuing saga of how Neil met Sophia on the internet has been canceled today for a special bulletin:

Dixie Martin, beloved wife of Tad Martin and mother of J.R. Chandler, died today, January 29, 2007, in Pine Valley, after eating a poisoned peanut butter pancake intended for her daughter-in-law, Babe Chandler.

This was a shock to All My Children soap opera fans across the country. Some fans are so upset they are refusing to watch the show anymore. In fact, Sophia and Neil couldn’t stop talking about it all day. Even tonight’s episode of “24” seemed to pale in comparison to the drama of AMC killing off one of the show’s most popular characters.

The producers of AMC made a big splash when they brought actress Cady McClain back to the show after a four year absence. They had spent an enormous amount of time and money to woo her back. The return of Dixie created a slew of new storylines, since her character was repeatedly said to be “the heart” of Pine Valley. Tad and Dixie seemed destined to reunite as a couple — and even find their missing baby girl that unbeknownst to them, was now LIVING in Pine Valley after her parents were killed in a car accident! But one year into her contract, it’s death by peanut butter for Dixie. What happened?

Insiders know the real story. AMC producers, desperate for more viewers, tried to use the internet to drum up interest. They gave Dixie (Cady McClain) a blog to discuss her life as a soap opera star, in much the same way as other bloggers talk about their work and families.

With their ratings low, AMC also let go many of their long-standing characters, such as Brooke English (played by Julia Barr), who was with the show since 1976 and Dr. David Hayward (wonderfully played by Vincent Irizarry for the last ten years.) While the older actors were thrown to the street, the show hired a whole new group of dopey teenage actors. “Dixie” made a statement on her blog, saying it wasn’t a good idea to fire the show’s beloved older actors. The producers apparently didn’t like “Dixie” giving her opinion on her ABC blog, so to punish her — they promptly killed her off, making mincemeat of the storyline.

When someone says they were Dooced, people understand it to mean that someone was fired because of their blog. From now on, when someone is “killed off” because of their blog, I will use the term “Dixied.”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Fact-Finding Mission

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