Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

I Woke Up Today with a Penis! Can My Marriage Survive?

Today’s guest post is written by blogger/mother Marinka of Motherhood in NYC.   Marinka and I are fairly new to each other online., but she’s funny — and I adore funny women.   But her name brought up some red flags.   “Are you Russian?” I asked Marinka.   Yes.   She and her parents has come from the Soviet Union when she was very young.  A-ha!  A Russian-born woman!  I know her type VERY WELL.  She will get you drunk on vodka, have her way with you, break your heart, and then toss you into the Black Sea.  So, here you go, Sophia — I mean Marinka — I’m giving you a ridiculous topic just because I’m passive-aggressive!

Who’s Afraid of Dick Woolf (With Not-Very-Sincere Apologies to Virginia and Mr. Wolf)
by Marinka of Motherhood in NYC

Ladies, ever wonder if your marriage would survive if you suddenly woke up with a penis?  Why not ask  your partner?  It will bring you closer and make for lighthearted conversation. 

I ask my husband if he would still love me if I were to sprout a penis, and he says “yes” so quickly that I become instantly suspicious.  I mean, who can agree to something like that without mulling it over, maybe running a few Google searches and having a heart to heart with friends or maybe a mental health expert or a dozen.  At the very least, shouldn’t he be asking me why I was asking?  Or how this penis would happen to appear?  Or if I’ve had my meds adjusted recently?

The more I think about it, the more obnoxious his “yes” becomes.  As far as I can tell, there were only two possible reasons for it.  First is that he wasn’t really listening to what I was asking, and even if he were, he just wanted to get the conversation over with as quickly as possible and this was the best way to get me to shut the hell up.  Second is  that in my sudden penis growth he sees an opportunity for an early retirement as he parades me around the talk show freak circus circuit and cashes in.  I am uncertain which option is more offensive, but I do know that my evening plans of watching “Gossip Girl” are on hold.  Indefinitely.

“What do you mean ‘yes’?” I ask him.

“What?” he says, leading me towards Theory Number One of Not Listening To Me.

“You would still love me and stay married to me if I had a penis?  Isn’t that weird?  Wouldn’t you be alarmed and maybe concerned and skeeved out?”

“I guess.”  He shrugs.  I sometimes think that shrugging by adults is a defense to most crimes committed against them.

“So, why do you say ‘yes’ if I asked you if you’d still love me?”

He looks at me as though I were asking a completely ridiculous question.

“I said ‘yes’ because I thought that your getting a penis was an unlikely event, like something that we won’t be facing in the near future—along the lines of ‘will you love me forever, no matter what?’”

“WHAT?”

“What ‘what’?”

“You mean when you’ve said that you’ll love me forever, no matter what, you meant it the same way you mean ‘I’ll love you if you have a huge penis’?!”

“How do you know that you’d have a huge one?”

“Oh please.  I wouldn’t have a fun-sized one.”

“Ok.”

“What do you mean ‘Ok’? You think that I’d have a tiny dick?  You have some fucking nerve.  You don’t really appreciate me, do you?  You’re constantly emasculating me.”

“Are you PMSing?”

“Fuck you.”

“Let me grab my ankles, now that you have a penis.”

“Well, if you had a mangina, it would totally be over between us.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“A mangina.  A male vagina.”

“Look, if you are not PMSing, you’re insane.  What is a male vagina?”

“You don’t understand anything.”

“Thank god for that.”

So yes, apparently,  my marriage would survive my growing a penis.  As long as we never discussed it.

36 Comments

  1. I would totally suck your (GIANT) girl-cock.

  2. Fun size, pfft. If it was really “fun” would you need to qualify it that way?

    Mine would totally be huge.

  3. ok…so this was so funny. i have to ask my husband this question and see what he says. i can’t wait!

  4. okay, THAT was fun! great, great job. And I didn’t say blow.

  5. I have NO idea how I would have approached this topic – and I like to think I can talk about anything… Very impressive. And I like your moxie – good for you being confident in your theoretical hugeness.

  6. I didn’t really intend this to happen, but the comments are already making me hot.

  7. I think if I had a penis I would be spending a lot of time alone…um…getting used to myself.

  8. I will ask a more PG version of that question:

    “Would you still love me if my face looked like THIS?” (fingers contorting eyes and nose into grotesque figures)

    “Um, yes. But I wouldn’t take you out in public…”

    Honest. Brutally honest.

  9. Awesome! I’ll be chuckling about the “fun size” penis all day…

  10. Best blog prompt ever. Can’t wait to use it! LOL

  11. Fun-sized got me, too. And mangina. That’s a new one.

  12. I get it! (The jokes, not the penis.) Awesome. You rock – but I already knew that.

  13. That was classic Marinka. Wickedly funny.

  14. Guess what? I loved that post, but I’m sorry that your husband is constantly emasculating you.

  15. Fun-size – yes, that was my favorite of the whole entry, which I really found very funny! By the way, the online Urban Dictionary has one definition of “fun size” as “term used to discribe [sic] a very small penis” (as in: “Wow, that guy has a fun size wang!”)

    Is the corollary of “fun size” designating a small penis that a huge dick is actually no fun? (as in: “Wow, this guy has a serious penis!”)

    Thanks for a very entertaining guest post, Marinka!

  16. Hey, hey. It was alright. But let’s not praise her too much. I don’t want you skipping over to her blog. Believe me, she’s never guest posting here again. Show-off.

  17. Because you’ve all been so nice to me, I have some free advice–do not google “mangina”. Especially if there’s a child standing behind you begging for food or attention or something. Because there are questions that you’ll never be able to answer.

  18. Is it just me..or did hubby offer to bend over and grab his ankles pretty quickly…I mean, I’m PRETTY sure my husband has no idea how “to assume the position…”

    But then again this is Marnika’s version of events…HUm. Some one has some ‘splainin to do….

  19. These guest posts are great! (But don’t take that the wrong way, Neil, in case you’re listening, as it’s obvious you are and NOT following through on your promise to be off the Internet for a week. Just sayin…)

    Shouldn’t the second question after “will you still love me” be “will you still have sex with me after I have a penis?” That’s a whole different matter. I thought “Fun Size” meant big, not small. At least it does in candy, no? And who invented that extremely disturbing word “mangina?” Oh, the horror, I do NOT want to know what that means.

  20. Three things:
    GREAT TOPIC AND POST!
    SUPER FUNNY!
    THANK GOD I GOT A DIVORCE AND CAME OUT! Guy girl stuff is too complicated!!

  21. “fun size”!!! That is the single most loaded phrase to describe a penis EVER. LOVED it.

  22. Yay! I’m blog crush of the day! And this is a great post.

  23. So …
    does this fall under the category of

    “Good to know.”

    or

    “I’d rather not know.”

    Hmm.

  24. For an alternate perspective, without the marriage. A story I remember reading back in ’78.

    http://www.tgfa.org/fiction/MyPenis.htm

  25. AWESOME!!
    Sounds like a conversation that would happen in my house.

  26. thats just so funny I wet myself a little.

    thank you!!!

  27. Your awesomeness was featured on BS Sunday on the Houston Chronicle Online: http://tinyurl.com/6c2w4u

  28. My wife told me she’d still love me if I was a Cyclops so I guess I’d have to give her a chance with the whole penis thing.

  29. I asked my husband and he says he’d still love me but he’d be freaked out; however he says he’d leave me because I don’t like back door entries. So let’s hope none of this happens because I like staying at home with my kids.

  30. Typical woman’s question. They can’t flunk you on anything you’ve done, so they try to flunk you on stuff you haven’t done, and couldn’t possibly do. They’ll flunk you, somehow.

  31. Wow, women do over-analyze. I definitely would have thought this would mean “do you love me no matter what” and would be a little shocked if the woman started going nuts and asking questions.

  32. AND she writes this funny DAILY. Best part was fun-size penis.

  33. I asked my husband if he’d love me if i overnight grew a penis. he asked : “well deepeneds how you ‘grew’ a penis. was it grown using magic or was it always there. ? ”
    but in the end he said he’d’ love me no matter what, as long as i can still give birth to children.’

    (haha what!!!!???? i don’t want more kids!!! five is enough!)

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