Need a Week Off the Internet

Since I seem to be having a mild nervous breakdown online ranting about everything under the sun, there is only one solution: get offline for a week!

I have never had any guest posters before on my blog. But you are in luck. I have arranged for FIVE of the finest and most popular bloggers to take my place on Citizen of the Month next week, all of them extremely well-respected and well-loved for their wit and wisdom. I am truly honored to have them replace me here at my home.

Starting at 1PM EST (10AM PST) today – THIS MEANS #1 WILL BE  THE FIRST PERSON TO COMMENT AT 1PM, NOT THE FIRST COMMENT IN THE MORNING — July 31st, the first five people FROM THAT POINT — new readers included — who write this comment — “I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month” will have the opportunity to write guest posts here next week.

But beware: I will be choosing your topic.

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82 Responses to Need a Week Off the Internet

  1. I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month

  2. kat says:

    i recently took 8 days off from the internet. best thing i ever did.

    enjoy your vacation, neil.

  3. Heather says:

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month.

  4. Oh Dammit. I didn’t see the time constraint – Back @ 10AM – Now I have something to look forward to today!

  5. Marinka says:

    I want to guest host on Citizen of the Month!

  6. “I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month”

  7. I needed to get that in now because I won’t be at the computer at 1 PM. Pretend I pulled a time shift on your ass.

  8. Sheryl says:

    Really we don’t mind your ranting. Rant already! But if you must take time off, I hope you feel better soon.

    Also, hey, no fair! I won’t be home then. I’m being discriminated against, this is time-ism!

  9. Heather says:

    Dammit! Naptime is 1p. I suck for not reading the restrictions.

  10. Mrs Mogul says:

    Ha haa! i was going to ask you to guest post on mine with some others..maybe in the future. Yeah we all need a break!! It’s AUG DAMMIT! Maybe one day I can guest post here and write a queens or nyc story or just write about the chinese food in queens Yummm.

  11. Miss Britt says:

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month

  12. Miss Britt says:

    Fuck. Can I post date my comment??

  13. ingrid says:

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month

    Think I’m too late though. :S

  14. vodkamom says:

    Crap- I’m always too slow. Too long in the shower, I guess.

  15. vodkamom says:

    HA!! Maybe not………………

  16. Rhea says:

    “I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month.” Really. You need to have the Jews well-represented here, and I’m willing to do that for you.

  17. Assertagirl says:

    Sounds like a good idea, Neil. This place can be downright overwhelming at times. Whenever I take a break I come back refreshed.

    I’m too late to guest post, but let me know if you still need anybody!

  18. Marinka says:

    If there is one thing that I excel at, it’s following directions. Damn it! I could never color inside the lines, either.

  19. sarah g says:

    I believe that you should have a clause, that anyone who didnt read your post and therefore completely overlooked your time line; should be out. (not really)
    … I just had a very good morning laugh at all of the eager friends you have : )

  20. Elisabeth says:

    I missed the deadline, but will probably enjoy reading the guest posts! Hope all is well!

  21. Rhea says:

    “I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month”

  22. Neil says:

    Starting at 1PM EST (10AM PST) today – THIS MEANS #1 WILL BE AT 1PM, NOT THE FIRST COMMENT — July 31st, the first five people FROM THAT POINT — new readers included — who write this comment — “I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month” will have the opportunity to write guest posts here next week.

  23. PocketCT says:

    looks like you are full up but I would love for you to choose a topic for me!

  24. Laura says:

    Enjoy your week offline. Try to find something purely joyful to do! :-)

  25. Finn says:

    I’ll have to think about whether I want to or not and come back.

    Enjoy your break.

  26. sizzle says:

    I think taking a break from the internet is a very wise move. I felt great when I did it. Hell, I should do it MORE!

    Lucky for you I am late to the contest lest I go hog wild all over your blog.

  27. Neil says:

    Sizzle, can’t you read? The “contest” doesn’t start until 1PM EST! The first person will be the one who comments AFTER 1PM EST.

  28. Poppy says:

    I CAN FOLLOW DIRECTIONS! But I’ll be at my farewell lunch when your 1pm rolls around. Enjoy your week offline, I know I enjoyed mine.

  29. vodkamom says:

    I want to guest post. I just had to say it. dammit, it just came out.

  30. Look at the response… you should totally monetize this site, get guest posters forever and just watch the money roll in!

  31. anymommy says:

    Okay, apparently instructions are lost on your adorable readers! These eager comments are cracking me up. It’s not even 9 am PST, so I know it can’t possibly be 1 pm EST. It’s got to feel good to be so loved though. I don’t want to guest post – to much pressure, but I hope you have a wonderful week off!

  32. i have a hard time coming up with my own topics! i can’t imagine guest posting for someone! at least you are choosing the topic! good thinking!

  33. Jack says:

    I was surprised that you didn’t ask for more pictures of your readers topless.

    Hey maybe you can still make that happen. Provide instructions that they’re supposed to send you a picture fully clothed and they’ll be naked.

    Sounds crazy, but who knows. That whole guest post at 10 PST/1 EST makes me wonder.

  34. AnnieH says:

    You’re going to picket every JC Penney store in the tri-state area there, aren’t you?? I smell ROAD TRIP!! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Windows down and radio cranked up. If you get bored, say the word and I will bring my lawn chair, homemade signs, and cooler full of beverage.
    Take care, Neilochka.

  35. Marinka says:

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month.

  36. I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month!

  37. Linsey says:

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month!

    You’ll probably regret it. Dissatisfaction guaranteed!

  38. Fort Knocks says:

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month

  39. PocketCT says:

    is this in est or pst?

  40. Finn says:

    I want to guest post. Have you hit the five yet? It’s 1:08 here.

  41. Miss Britt says:

    not a duplicate comment stupid ass spam filter!!

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month

  42. natalie says:

    i want to guest post of citizen of the month…gulp…

  43. Miss Britt says:

    OK – I’m 2 people too late, but I’d just like to say – SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER A WEEK TO BE SEVEN DAYS!!!

    Ahem.

  44. ingrid says:

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month.
    Am I too late?

  45. ingrid says:

    time change utterly screwed me up. that and jetlag. that’s my excuse and i’m sticking to it!

  46. Katherine says:

    “I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month”

  47. I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month. (I’m confused what time zone you’re comments are in.)

  48. Also, YOUR, dammit. Eff.

  49. dan says:

    it’s not just that “I want to guest post on [checking notes] CITIZEN OF THE MONTH” – I think I’ve earned it. I brew my own coffee. I think about my audience. I obsess about details others don’t notice. I have lovely imaginary friends. And it’s 10:13 PST. What more can I do to convince you?

  50. Turnbaby says:

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month

  51. SciFi Dad says:

    I want to guest post on Citizen of the Month

  52. Neil says:

    I know the times on my WordPress blog are totally wrong. You can sue me if you so choose. But from my very accurate Timex watch (now available at a Kmart near you!), the five guest posters for next week are:

    Rhea
    Marinka
    CharmingDriver
    Linsey
    Fort Knocks

    My entire blog will be in your hands. You will get your topics tomorrow.

  53. Rhea says:

    Oh, yay!!! I must confess, I used the super-duper, most-accurate-time-in-the-world-online clock to post my comment at precisely the correct time. This clock and your Timex are obviously in synch.

  54. 180/360 says:

    Shitsticks. I miscalculated Eastern Time. I am so retarded.

  55. shiny says:

    Dang! Too late. Oh well…

  56. Eileen Dover says:

    I protest.

    You’re biased against other world time zones. Oh, and like, biased against people who have real jobs and can’t secretly sneak and read blogs until (checks watch) 2:32 in the afternoon.

  57. I want to Guest Post on Citizen of the Month!!

    Drat.

    Only, like, an hour and a half late. I would be a very reliable guest-poster, though.

  58. HeyJoe says:

    I don’t want to Guest Post on Citizen of the Month. I’m not worthy. But thanks for the opportunity.

  59. Neil says:

    For those who have complaints about this “contest” being unfair because of time zones, etc, please call my customer service number for assistance:

    1-800-971-8866 and ask for “Menuel”

  60. sarah g says:

    Oh thank you today Neil.
    First, I laughed at your eager and anxious comments.

    Now, oh my, we get the number to your very ‘caring’ Menuel.

    OH. Laugher ensues. Enjoy your week away, stick to it! (we’ll miss you)

  61. Damn, I’m too late. I’d happily post while you’re away. We can play blog swap, you can be me sometime.

  62. kateanon says:

    Oh, I’m just catching this and am late – but I bore enough people on my blog – why contribute to someone else’s demise?

    (Although on Twitter last night you did say you liked it better with less readers)

    Can I be the alternate, the understudy? You know, if someone flakes out or gets run over.

  63. PAPA says:

    I want to guest host on Citizen of the Month – for the NEXT time you go away. Can you do it? Is that like waiting at Best Buy 3 days before the new gadget? I have snacks.

  64. Memarie Lane says:

    I’m pretty fried myself, I’m trying to get my brother to guest post about toilet paper for me.

  65. Great idea, Neil. I look forward to hilarious results.

    If they’re not hilarious, however, I’m going to blame you.

    I hope you can live with the guilt, and the dread of guilt. 😉

  66. AnnieH says:

    Neilochka,I left you a little sumpin’-sumpin’ for your time away at my blogsite. Would have sent it here but not that computer/blog savvy. Please don’t protest, it was on sale. Again, enjoy the respite and don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine. Promise… no wild parties while you’re gone.

  67. melanie says:

    I am so freakin untimely… darnnnnit!

    *sulkee-sulkerson in so cal*

  68. formerlyfun says:

    Put me on the list for next time, I’ll be your LA correspondant. Maybe I can do a feature on male grooming.

    manscaping and the manzilian

  69. Well…despite the notion that 69 is a meaningful number, I’m guessing I’m too far down the list to guest post. My loss.

  70. Danny says:

    Does your hiatus mean you can’t go online at all and check what people are doing on your blog? Do you really think you can do it? I think it’s a great idea to take a break but I’m skeptical that you’ll be able to pull it off (and I’m really talking about the fear that I don’t think I could do it!).

    What rants? I haven’t noticed you ranting more than normal. But I say go ahead and have that breakdown — they are vastly underrated. I remember one of my favorite lines from a movie — I think it was Sigourney Weaver who said, “I’m trying to have a nervous breakdown but no one is letting me!”

  71. Dana says:

    Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I should get to my Google Reader earlier in the day. Drats!

    Yeah, I said it. And I’ll say it again, with even more emphasis: Drats!!!!!

  72. Neil says:

    Danny — go down one or two pages —

    http://twitter.com/Neilochka

  73. so many eager commenters here that can’t tell time!
    honestly, i don’t see how your writing is showing you having a mild breakdown. but enjoy your week off.

  74. cruisin-mom says:

    wow, I’m a nerd…what the hell is twitter?

  75. Neil says:

    it is a popular micro-blogging system which is more like sending IM messages to a whole bunch of people at once and they can respond. Almost like an interactive comment section, but you pick and choose who can follow you and you follow. And you can only send very short messages at a time. It is addictive in a way because you feel like you are chatting with a lot of people, but it is a major time waste.

  76. cruisin-mom says:

    thanks Neil…I’m glad I didn’t know what it was.

  77. cog says:

    Good luck with your guest posters. I think I’ve been banned from guesting after I weirded out Halushki’s readers.

  78. gorillabuns says:

    I don’t understand guest posting.

  79. Have a great rest – I look forward to your return. In the mean time I’ll see what these five people have to share. Great topics!

    Cheers!

  80. Pingback: Copycat

  81. veep veep says:

    a week off from the internet? is there such a thing??!!!

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