the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

I’m Not Gay!

shirtless.jpg

Despite the recent posts about my gardening and love for ABBA, I just want to say for the record — I’m not gay.  If I was gay, I would be completely proud of it.  In fact, it might even be a blessing, so I wouldn’t have to deal with dating women.

But honestly, the shirtless guy seen above, featured on Cosmo’s website as some hottie, does absolutely nothing for me. What’s sexy about this guy? Who knows?  His abs?  I don’t even understand what women see in men.  In my eyes, men mostly look dumb, especially when they are posing half-naked.

Straight men rarely “look” at other men as “objects of beauty.” Women are more appreciative of the attractiveness of their own gender.  When I was first dating Sophia, she would sometimes ask me if I thought some woman on the street was pretty. At the time, I thought she was testing me, so I always answered, “Nah. You are the prettiest.”

Eventually, I learned that this wasn’t a ruse. She was genuinely interested in my opinion. She enjoyed looking at other women, as much as a man.  She could see the beauty in a woman.

We could be watching “All My Children,” and Sophia will say, “Isn’t the new nurse at Pine Valley Hospital very pretty? I love her hair. Maybe I should get my hair done like that.”

I don’t remember ME ever asking Sophia if she thought some guy was sexy.   Straight men don’t think about how other men look. They care about what car they drive.

As a experiment today, I went to Starbucks and surreptitiously checked out other men, trying to figure out if I could find a man “sexy” in a aesthetic, non-sexual way.

It didn’t work.

It didn’t matter if the guy was young or old, thin or fat, he was pretty much just a guy. There was one guy who walked into Starbucks wearing tight jeans and had a nice hard ass, but so what! It didn’t make me want to go on a date with him. And that whole “checking out a man’s package” when he’s wearing pants is a total myth. I tried it in Starbucks, and you can’t tell anything!

Anyway, I just wanted to report back to you.

68 Comments

  1. ndulj

    Oh Neil.thank you for the eye candy

  2. steppingover thejunk

    I forget what you wrote in this post, because I can’t get the picture out of my head after all the staring. hot hot hot.

  3. split ends

    Please keep sharing pictures that do nothing for you.

  4. margaret

    that shirtless man is more pretty that an object of desire. he’s got not body hair, like a child…. i’m not gay either

  5. brooke

    You may not be gay, but the guy in that picture certainly is.

    By the way, someone from Tehran came to my blog via your post “Dating for Liberals.” Should we be concerned?

  6. fringes

    Nothin good comes from blogging at 4:47 am.

  7. SmartSocratics

    Thank you for sharing this wundebah picture! And bravo for you for admitting that you have looked at other guys. Okay, I know, you only did it as a test, but you did it nonetheless. And, I do believe you are not gay!

  8. Jen

    Um. I dont’ think he’s hot either. George Clooney is.

    I can’t believe you were checking out guys packages in Starbucks. This marks the only time I wished I lived in California.

    JC

  9. Dagny

    George Clooney is definitely hot. And one of my aunts and I have had numerous conversations on the hotness of Angelina Jolie. My aunt has stated that if she wan into women, she would date Angelina.

    I am confused at times. Men are supposedly visual creatures but it seems that women notice a great deal more.

    Finally, shag carpet? I hope there weren’t any rug burns involved. Because that was my first thought in reading “shag carpet.”

  10. Not Fainthearted

    I agree with Margaret. The picture is pretty more than desirable.

    I don’t get why people take all the hair off their bodies…doesn’t that make you look like a child? (please, it’s a matter of degrees; I’m not too attracted to gorillas either.)

    Now, George on the other hand…It’s too bad he doesn’t spend more (any?) time in fly-over land where he could spend time with a real down-to-earth woman–like me! 😉

  11. Bre

    You know, it’s odd. When I look at that guy I get … nothing. It’s all too traditionally perfect and that’s not for me! Give me flaws any day! They’re way sexier!

  12. You can call me, 'Sir'

    Cary Grant was damn handsome, and I totally would say that out loud in a biker bar simply because it’s true. Then I’d break a beer bottle in half and hold it in front of me while slowly backing out the door.

  13. Neil

    EXCUSE ME, but did no one read the last line where it says “A Year Ago: Neilochka Shirtless.” Is it too hard for you to press a link with your finger, just so it shows up on my stats that you were already getting wet with excitement to go look at the photo — and then weren’t disappointed?

    Men have egos, you know.

    Cosmo, hello! I can shave the back hair if you want me to.

  14. Shelli

    I didn’t even notice the picture of the guy in this post, but I did go check out the one of you. I am still fanning myself. Did you just rip that fish from the water with your bare hands? *wiping drool from corner of my mouth*

  15. Neil

    Hey, Ninja Poodles from the comments in the last post, Shelli is showing you RIGHT HERE how to become my next blog crush of the day.

  16. Neil

    Brooke, they love us in Tehran. And yes, you were one of the women in the dream.

  17. sarah g

    thank you for the hottie in the morning. : )

  18. Rhea

    I absolutely love it when men aren’t afraid of the thing that terrifies most men: being thought of as gay. Neil, if I were heterosexual that would be a huge turn-on. Or maybe not. But I really love your bravery checking out men, etc.

  19. Roadchick

    Cary Grant
    George Clooney
    Sean Connery
    Neilochka

    ~purrrrrrrr~

    There was a party game/questionnaire thing a few years ago that asked men if they HAD to have sex with another man, who would they choose?

    The winner?

    Sam Elliott

    The ‘chick thinks he’d win the female vote too.

  20. pocketCT

    That airbrushed guy’s got nothin’ on you. Maybe I should take up fishing if that is what you can get herein western MA.

  21. Tuck

    How timely! Have you checked your hair whorl?

    http://nymag.com/news/features/33520/

  22. Mist 1

    I just talked to one of the guys in Starbucks. You made him feel really creepy ogling him like that.

  23. sizzle

    that guy does absolutely nothing for me. i hope you checked out guys at a west hollywood starbucks. 😉

  24. Finn

    Why do men have to be gay to notice other men’s attractiveness, but women don’t have to be to notice other women’s?

    Unless you just assume that all women are inherently bisexual. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

  25. Nance

    The guy on your post was icky. Can’t we have George Clooney, instead?

  26. NSC

    I actually had this discussion at a pool party a few weeks ago. Three of the wives who live on my street were at my table and were curious if there were any men that straight men found physically attractive (and were willing to admit it).

    Being very secure in my masculinity I said, sure, I can think of three:

    Sean Connery
    Johnny Depp
    Orlando Bloom

    Granted I like them as actors first, but I can admit they are attractive men too. But it’s not because I would want to date them, it’s because I want to BE them. Just imagine the chicks they get (I bet Connery still gets em if he wants em and has some Viagra).

  27. V-Grrrl

    Good looking and sexy are often two different things entirely.

    Check out my post today for photos of me with a REAL male hard body…

  28. Patois

    The key line in the whole post: “We could be watching ‘All My Children,’ and…” Hysterical! Oh, and about that photo of you with the fish. Are you sure you weren’t shagging the fish in your dream?

  29. psychotoddler

    Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

  30. Chloé

    His body is OK. It’s just that he has this kind of dull, empty look on his face that kills everything.

    Unlike George Clooney or Cary Grant.

    I find enthused, witty people way more attractive than a perfectly shaped pack of muscles.

  31. Danny

    Working on your patio planting flowers: not gay. ABBA: gay. Just sayin. Why are so many of the men women supposedly find attractive (like the guy in that photo) pretty like girls? My theory is that it’s really about the women’s latent homosexuality. Or maybe it’s about the gay guys’ latent heterosexuality. Either way, that guy gives me the creeps. My 12-year-old just started reading teen magazines and yesterday taped up several posters of the current boy heartthrobs on her walls. They all look exactly the same, i.e., like pretty girls with ridiculous amounts of tousled hair. Will all the preteen girls reading those mags today grow up to be attracted to the gay guys at college? Is our culture setting girls up for a lifetime of heartbreak?

  32. Neil

    Danny, looking forward to seeing you this weekend for the uh, Sound of Music sing-a-long at the Hollywood Bowl!

  33. Churlita

    I’m totally straight and I’m not attracted to conventionally beautiful men. The picture of that guy doesn’t do much for me. I think guys are more interesting when they have a big nose like Adrian Brody or they’re bald like Yul Brynner…or at least something that distinguishes them from everyone else.

  34. kanani

    He looks unemployed.
    I see you’re still onto ABBA.

  35. Neil

    Churlita — You’re in luck. I have a big nose and a receding hairline. Where should we meet?

  36. OldOldLady Of The Hills

    LOL, LOL…I think you are so right about this Neil….Women do appreciate other wonen’s looks and such…But of course men certainly do appreciate women’s looks, too!
    Your humor always makes me laugh out loud!
    Thanks for the visit, Neil, it’s always fun to see that you have been by…!

  37. Rosemary

    Wow. His nipples kind of scare me.

  38. nelumbo

    Thanks for the eye candy!

  39. Chollyson

    Another fundamental thing I don’t understand about men. How could you not want to do George Clooney, gay or straight?

    It’s just wrong.

  40. ajooja

    You know, this post is still kinda gay. 😉

  41. V-Grrrl

    Rosemary is right. The nipples–ewwww.

  42. Neil

    Ajooja — I know that. But the chicks love it. You want more female readers, toss in a photo of a half-dressed hunk. Those women only think about one thing. Having more orgasms! And if I can help them achieve their goals, that means more page views AND more advertising dollars for me!

    V-Grrrl — very weird nipples. And you know… I think this guy shaves his pubic hair also. Do you need a special razor for that or will those plastic BIC ones do OK? I also find your posing in that photo on your blog more interesting that the male nude.

  43. Melissavina

    You went to Starbucks to see if you could evoke one single gay titillation. That’s the best thing I’ve read all week.

  44. Alice

    i understand we all need to bash the hot guy to prove a point, but… no one else wants to rub his abs? just a little? rubby rubby?

  45. Rick

    I’m more inclined to check out a man’s shoe size, because, ya know.. MY shoe, when I hold it up, isn’t even CLOSE to the right size. Not sayin’ which way it’s off.

  46. Danny

    Are you saying that someone who loves “The Sound of Music” sets off your gaydar? With all those Nazis and butch nuns? Oh well, at least I’m not obsessed with ABBA. (Hey, did I tell you the setlist for the recent Liza Minnelli concert we attended in Vegas?)

  47. teahouseblossom

    Hahaha..I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when you were at Starbucks checking out guys’ goodies.

    And nice photo of you shirtless, by the way. That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen.

    The fish is pretty large, too.

  48. Scarlet

    Riiighhhhtttttt. what’s that about denial?;)

  49. better safe than sorry

    that pic doesn’t do it for me (i agree, something is freaky about his nipples) and neither does george clooney. i do like the pic of matthew maconaughey (sp?) on the cover of people (?) this month.

  50. Bec

    That guy is not sexy. The look on his face is very ‘I’m freakin’ adorable , me!” I agree re nipples too…

    But that fishing picture… did it get hot in here?!

  51. Lara

    clearly you’ve determined that most of your readers don’t find the pictured male very attractive. some are even questioning his sexual orientation, and others are even wondering if he’s human or perhaps part zombie. way to get a discussion going!

    thanks for visiting my place, by the way. i’d be honored if you decided to stick around for a while. i notice you read lilit in stereo – did you find me through her?

  52. Caryn

    You should go to the burlesque carwash instead of Starbucks!

  53. Two Roads

    The problem with the nipples is that they are pointing down – he needs headlights to look right.

    Also, why are you checking out whether the guy shaves his pubic hair? This concerns me. 🙂

  54. tamar

    Sorry, this post is offensive to me. If you replace the descriptor gay w black or jewish or senior citizen or latino or other minority, you will quickly see my point.

    What if you are gay? Does it matter? Do you care if some people are hung up on another person’s sexual orientation? I have stopped by your blog because you have a good sense of humor, and you describe so well how small events and gigantic ones are important and meaningful to you that they become interesting to me. Here in this post, you seem to imply that there is something wrong, unlikable, uncool, or otherwise not good about being gay. If this isn’t a point you are making, what is the point of the title and content of the post?

  55. Neil

    Tamar… oy. I’m not even sure where to begin. I apologize if I hurt your feelings. I would never imply that being gay is wrong, unlikable, uncool, or not good. IN, LA, being gay IS COOL. I’m only mentioning my heterosexuality to my female readers in case they decide that to continue sending their panties and bras to me is just useless and a waste of postage, considering the content of some of my recent posts. In fact, I think the post suggests that being gay isn’t a lifestyle, but something you are born with. I can stare at the asses of men in Starbucks for days while listening to ABBA on my iPod and never really become gay, no matter how tight my tank-top fits me.

    You should know that one of my best friends is gay, or rather a former best-friend. He got a little tired of me, thinking me “too gay.”

    But, honestly, Tamar, I really appreciate you speaking up for what you believe in.

  56. Fresh Hell

    Neil, Sugar, that fella ain’t go nothing on you and does absolutely nothing for me. I like my men to be men, not boys on steroids. Give me Benicio Del Toro or Neilochka Kramer any day of the week. Yum…

  57. mckay

    am i the only one who’s curious about the female blogger on the shag rug?

  58. mckay

    grrrs

    make that bloggerrrs on the shag rug.

    grrr.

  59. tamar

    Thanks for your email and for adding here that you “would never imply that being gay is wrong, unlikable, uncool, or not good.” I, who do not live in LA, enjoy your humor most when you laugh at yourself, your issues, and your stuff.

  60. Laurie

    There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando.

  61. JanePoe (aka Deborah)

    Dear Neil and Neil’s Penis,

    Glad you are both alive and well. Even if you were gay, I’d still love ya’ in a semi-non-sexual-fag-hag sort of way. But I do think you both rock in an Abba-dum dum diddle-does your mother know-flower-lovin’-sensitive-hetero-funny-guy kinda way too. Much peace and love, JP

    p.s. I think I’ve even confused myself with this comment. xx, jp

  62. helen

    Guys seldom compare other guys in the looks dept. We ladies do that. We like to compare appearances. GUys usually compare

    1) Length
    2) Success (in terms of $$)

  63. ExpatJane

    Oy! Thanks for the announcement!

    That guy in the pic has nothing on you with that big ol’ fish. In fact, the guy in that pic does nothing for me but I gave up reading Cosmo ages ago. He just looks half-naked with a fondness for nipple clamps or cold and a bit too bland 😉

  64. Neil

    Helen — another myth. Men don’t think too much about length either. The worry about money and position. I think when men get older that’s why they sometimes go for a younger trophy wife because it signifies these things.

  65. Mitch McDad

    I’m sorry…did I give you permission to use my photograph?

    1st timer here. Came over from LA Daddy.

  66. army laveen

    uhm well for starters, the vein on his lower abs is extremely hot

  67. peter randrup

    Ok maybe you don’t find any me “sexy” since that implies a sexual attraction or at least an evaluation, but even a straight guy must notice a guy who is exceptionally good looking.

  68. peter randrup

    “Guys seldom compare other guys in the looks dept” I don’t buy it. It may not have anything to so do with sexual attraction but straight guys compare looks because they compete for women…and other things.. They evaluate how they compare in attractiveness/appeal..

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