Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

I Never Promised Anything

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Tonight, I’m going to be interviewed by Wombat of Kiss & Blog on his BlogRadio channel at 8PM EST. If you want to laugh at my accent, it should be on the archives afterwards. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this until after I’ve done it, just in case I’m really boring or I say “like…” and “um…” a lot. But what the hell. We’re all fake friends.

Considering that Wombat usually interviews bloggers about relationships and sex, he has definitely picked the WRONG person this time if he wants a lively interview. The last blogger he spoke with spent much of her time talking about her pierced clitoris. How am I going to compete?

This morning, I turned to Sophia for help:

“Sophia, I need to make something up in order to make myself more kinky for this interview. Can I lie and say you have your nipples pierced?

“How does that make YOU more kinky? If anything you should say that you have your nipples pierced.”

“Jeez, that sends shivers down my back. Yuch. Maybe I can say I have a c**k ring?”

“Ha. Like anyone is going to believe that. Do you even KNOW what a c**k ring is?”

“I’ve read about it in Penthouse years ago. You sort of put it on your penis.”

Sophia started typing on her laptop.

“Here’s a photo of one on Wikipedia.”

“Holy crap. No way. Jesus, there is NO way I would ever use that. You can get a stroke or give your penis gangrene.”

“Look at this one,” she said, laughing.

“Ha Ha. You’re right! That one is the same style as your wedding ring!”

“So, WHAT are you going to talk about? You’re not going to talk about ME, that’s for sure.”

“I can’t talk about you?”

“No.”

“Hmm… that doesn’t leave me much to talk about.”

“Sorry.”

“Without me talking about you — rather than interviewing ME, he should probably be interviewing my hand.”

“Well, you have a talking penis. Why not a talking hand?”

“I have an idea,” I said. “I could tell the story about the first time I saw a p***y.”

“Oh, yeah? You never even told me this story!”

“I was about bar mitzvah age. And there was this girl, Lisa, who liked me. But despite me becoming a “man” that year in the Jewish tradition, I was still more interested in my stamp collection than girls. One afternoon, I was in Lisa’s home and she asked me if I wanted to see her pee.

“OK,” I said.

I went with her into the bathroom and watched her as she took down her pants and sat on the toilet. And then she peed sitting down. It was amazing. I never saw anything like that before. After she was done, she leaned back.

“Would you like to look at IT?” she asked.

“OK,” I said.

I got on my knees, adjusted my glasses, and looked at her p***y. It was pretty interesting. It looked like a giant paper cut.

“Now it is YOUR turn.” she said to me.

“What do you mean?”

“I showed you mine. Now you show me yours.”

I thought this was rather rude of her, despite the fact that I was on my knees staring at her p***y.

“I never said I would show you mine.”

“You promised!”

“I never promised anything!”

She started to cry. Not only was this my first look at a p***y, it was my first real encounter with the irrationality of women. Why was she getting so emotional?

“Get out!” she yelled.

“Hey, calm down. If you want, I’ll show it to you.”

“Too late. Get out!”

Sophia laughed.

“That’s the whole story?” Sophia asked.

“It was the first, but not last time, that I disappointed a woman.”

Sophia laughed for five minutes. I thought she was laughing just a little TOO LONG.

47 Comments

  1. it’s a good thing you didn’t show yours. if it had been me, lisa wouldn’t have stopped laughing.

    cockrings? that’s so 1980s. how about the fellow who injected cocaine into his penis, had an erection for three days until gangrene set in, and it just fell off, like a stump? that would be something to share on the radio.

  2. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I can’t stop laughing.

  3. What a traumatic first view. I’ll have to tune in to hear you, Neil. Maybe your penis will show up for the interview.

  4. Boys are so naive! If you had shown her yours, she probably would have touched it. For a few minutes. Duh!

  5. If c*ckrings and getting your nipples pierced freaks you out, imagine what the idea of a paper cut on a p***y is doing for me!

    And though it gives me phantom pains… it’s still a pretty freaking hilarious comparison!

  6. That Lisa. What a slut!

  7. I would’ve thought that anyone with a talking penis would feel comfortable during a radio show about sex. Let your penis do the talking!

  8. I would have found this story incredibly funny if I didn’t have a 12-year-old daughter who is entering Bar Mitzvah season. HEEEEEEEELP! I can only pray that if she ever ends up in a bathroom with a boy, he’s similar to 13-year-old Neil. (Ewww, I don’t like the images that comment is bringing up.)

    Did you ever read “Sophie’s Choice?” Lisa reminds me of Leslie Lapidus, Styron’s great character who talks a hot game to main character Stingo but freaks out when called on her bluff. I suspect Lisa would have screamed bloody murder if you had pulled out your friend. You made the right choice.

  9. Let your penis do the interview.

  10. All I can think of is Denis Leary because in one of his stand-up shows he said that he’d love to talk about his wife but he’s not allowed to.

  11. I’m with Sophia–that was funny!!

  12. That. Was. Ridiculously. HILARIOUS!

    I am highly, highly entertained. So glad I began my day with your blog.

  13. Well, you can talk with Wombat about the complexities of dating while living with you separated wife. I’m sure penis has lots to say on that subject, and I doubt that many listeners would say, “No, that’s not how it is!” because really, how many have been in your and Sophia’s shoes?

    As far as the unveiling story…wow. There is a small window to give a woman/girl what she wants.

  14. 5 whole minutes?? You got off EASY.

  15. Paper cut? No wonder it bleeds. Ouch!

  16. “It looked like a giant paper cut.”

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAHA! I’m howling! ON THE FLOOR, after having fallen out of my chair.

    This is the best laugh I’ve had in a really long time. *wiping tears from eyes*

  17. Why wouldn’t you let her see yours? Were you that shy, or were you just being difficult?

    I may laugh for more than 5 minutes here.

  18. Why should I show her? She invited ME to see hers… with no strings attached. Even Emily Post would say that etiquette doesn’t require me to do anything.

  19. my question is: is that cat sitting on the toilet seat that purchases at home depot and installed at sophia’s mom’s house?

  20. That’s pretty friggin’ funny.

  21. “it looked like a paper cut” still has me laughing.

    oh neil!

  22. Precorious boy with a quirky sense of observation and already a way with words!

  23. OK, I did the interview. I don’t know if it is on the site yet. The interviewer, Wombat, is a Aussie with a smooth sexy accent. I’m the other one.

  24. I’m back at work tonight and I laughed so hard the whole trading floor stood up and is staring at me. Paper cut, wow.

  25. What did your penis say about your not showing him off to Lisa?

  26. This is so funny and sooooo disturbing.

  27. I listened live at 5:00 my time. I enjoyed it. Of course, your voice sounds nothing like I expected it to – but does anyone’s ever?

    It was fun to listen to.

  28. Fantastic interview, Neil, I am so impressed! You come across with a sincerity that is very refreshing. I could NEVER do an interview like that, I think I’d go completely blank. I love his idea of having you replace Larry King when he retires—let’s hope CNN was listening. Bravo!

  29. Buzzgirl, thanks for listening! Sorry my voice didn’t match your expectations. It concerns me that I when I hear myself talk, I always sound like a nervous wreck who can’t put two sentences together. Sophia also said that I sounded too self-serious.

    Luckily, I’m cute enough for people to overlook this.

    Maybe I should take a public speaking course. It’s not that I’m really nervous when I talk. I just have no ability to answer questions like “What is your blog about?” I really don’t know. The same thing happens to me at job interviews when I am asked to “tell me about yourself.” I’m always thinking, “That’s a pretty broad question.” I have a habit of just babbling on.

    My favorite moment with Wombat was when he was giving me a quiz and gave me the choice between vodka and Viagra, and I said “Veronica.” Wombat thought I was being clever, when in reality, I just misheard “vodka” for Veronica.

    Danny – Would you have known about a demi cup balconette?  I had no idea…

  30. Still up..insomniac that I am…Listened to your interview…My daugher Mags came in and said “WHAT are you listening to MOTHER?!?” My kids are much hipper at sneaking things in on the sly..headphones and such..You sound like a combo of Ray Romano, Howard Stern and just a touch of Woody Allen ..in the way you break your phrases. Demi cup…half cup..lots of cleavage up top..Wonder bra..pushed up and smashed together.

    I thought a funny bit was when you thought you were diconnected..It went from an interview..To a 1930 phone conversation…classic.

    I think you did very well.

    It’s so past my bed time. Sleepy time, she comes. Thanks for reading me a bed time story. I hope I dont dream of trojans or papercuts.

  31. Thanks, Wendy. I’m looking at photos of women in demi cups right now to always remember the term.

    I don’t think I’ve ever heard Sophia mentioning one, so that’s the reason for my ignorance.

    I probably should have been more “funny,” but I’m not much of a phone talker, and I was afraid of leaving my chair in case the movement interrupted my crappy Cingular service here in Redondo Beach.

  32. Your first semi-sexual encounter and you left the girl in tears. Karma, ain’t it a bitch?

  33. Neil, You are a wise, wise man. Anything vodka or Viagra can do, Veronica can do better! That was the PERFECT answer for Wombat.

    : )

  34. Now I’m going to add to your confusion. That bra choice thing? Well, I couldn’t help but think, “Doesn’t Wonderbra make a demi?” They do.

  35. “I’ll have a Veronica with tonic, thanks.”

    Neil, I adore you. I listened and laughed hysterically, and shared with someone that your voice is also not what I expected.

    With your accent, I often thought at times you were breaking into a Kermit the Frog/Fozzie Bear recital. Which, please don’t think I’m being mean, I’m the one with a screechy voice. You’re completely adorable.

    Anyway, you are wonderfully eloquent, hysterical, and I loved the interview.

  36. Thanks so much for the pleasure of your company last night, Neil. Apart from the fun of chatting to someone so erudite, it gave me the opportunity to spend the week investigating demi-cup balconettes.

    To my ear, you sound more like Larry Olivier than a muppet, but that’s just me.

    -Wombat

  37. Neil, I’ve never heard the term “demi-cup balconette” in my life. Sophia probably wears them but never felt the need to share the clinical term. Interesting that Wombat was familiar with it. Fetish, perhaps? Hey, I’m just jealous of the Australian accent. I knew the “Veronica” bit was a mistake when I heard it, but it was priceless. I predict that a year from now all the trendy L.A. folks will be ordering Veronica and Tonics at the Skybar.

    And dont take a public speaking class, I fear it will ruin your very spontaneous, authentic interview persona.

    P.S. I hope you write your next post soon because I find that photo of the cat on the toilet VERY disturbing. I can’t scroll down fast enough!

  38. Wow, the broadcast, interesting to get inside your head. I really enjoyed it. I am on blog talk radio myself today at 4.30 EST if you care to stop by. It would be great if you could phone in too, although I reckon you are too shy!!

  39. Emma — Your show sounds fun. And I know you and Crank Mama will be great on it. I’ve already heard your voice. Why do I love women with cool accents? (and men, Wombat)

    Danny – it’s just a photo of a cat.  Don’t be such a pussy!

  40. I really enjoyed listening to your conversation. You have a fun laugh.

    You use Trojan condoms? Switch to Crown for a better fit.

  41. That’ll teach me to type while holding a sandwich at the same time! I meant precocious, but the sandwich feel on the r key instead. Pah, never mind! Thank you so much for blog crushing on me today, woohoo!!!

  42. Honestly, Neil, which where you more impressed with – your first peek, or the fact that girls pee sitting down?

  43. well, my aunt in Pasadena had a cat that used to go to the bathroom on the toilet. She could never get it to learn to flush though…..

  44. you were great last night.

    i don’t mean that in the naughty way. or do i? 😉

  45. Oh, Neil, that’s really funny. And just because she was a curious exhibitionist doesn’t mean you were obligated to reciprocate. I imagine that the lovely and supportive Sophia was laughing WITH you, not AT you. At least not the whole time.

    And, last but not least, THANK YOU for making me your blog crush! I’m so flattered! It’s really snowy and I’m stuck inside (because I hate winter and the cold) and that is such a perfect perk-me-up!

  46. I am listening to you as I type this Neil. Excellent job.

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