Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Miracle of Kew Garden Hills – Chapter Two

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(from The Miracle of Kew Garden Hills, Chapter One)

“Here’s what I want, Neil.  Have you ever thought about hosting a Holiday Concert on your blog, where other bloggers spread the joy by sending in holiday music and songs they recorded themselves?”

“Host a Holiday Concert?  Me?  But I’m Jewish!”

“So am I, Neilochka…” said Nick.  “So am I…”

“Who else do you think they could get to work on Christmas Eve?” he laughed.

“And how exactly would this Blogger Holiday concert work?” I inquired.

“Ho Ho Ho.  Easy as fruitcake.  Tomorrow on your blog, you would put up a sign-up sheet.  Bloggers could volunteer to perform a holiday song for Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa.  They can sing or play an instrument, or both.   They could send the finished piece over the internet either in .wav or MP3 format, edited or unedited.  I’m sure you can help explain all this.  Even with all those Playstation 3s I’m hearing about, I’m not much of a techie.”

“And when would I hold this Christmahanukwanzaakah Concert?”

“December 20 sounds right.”

“And what about those bloggers who can’t sing or play an instrument?”

“You mean the talentless ones?  They could always send you a photo of their menorah or Christmas tree.  Just NO KITTENS.”

“What did you say your name was again?”

“Nick.  Although some call me Kris Kringle.  Or Santa Claus.”

“Santa Claus?!  You have to be kidding?”  I cried, my eyes rolling in disbelief.

The elevator door opened.  My mother was standing down the hall, waiting for me, much as she used to when I would come home from school.  I grabbed my suitcase and rushed towards her, trying to get as far away from this nut as possible.

“Hurry, Mom!  Let me in and then close the door behind us!”

“Hello, Neil,” my mother said in her usual cheerful, comforting voice.  “And hello, Nick.”

“Nick?!”

I twirled around like a dreidel and saw Nick following right behind me.

“My Sweet Elaine.” Nick purred, as he took my mother in his arms.  They kissed, passionately.

“MOM?!  What the…!!!”

My mother took my hand, sensing my concern.

“Neil, I was going to tell you later about Santa… uh, Nick.. but… but…”

Nick took my mother’s other hand.

“Your mother and I are friends… ” he said.

“Very good friends…” added my mother.

It suddenly became real to me.   This was Santa Claus.  And Santa Claus was a horny older guy leering at my mother’s figure!

“Mom?”  I gasped.  “Are you doing it with Santa Claus?!!”

(TO BE CONTINUED)

28 Comments

  1. No kittens?? Are you serious? 😛

  2. This is terrific. I would love to have Santa for a stepfather. I really want a round trip ticket, btw, to Dubrovnik, Croatia if you can put in a request for me. I’m Jewish too, but obviously if Santa is with your mom now, its not an issue.

  3. I thought I was reading “Citizen of the Month,” but apparently it’s gotten hijacked by some freaky Jewish guy telling Santa stories! Signed, confused in Washington, JP!

  4. Neil, does your mom ask you if you’re doing it with Sophia? Some things are better left unknown.

    I am so glad I get to send a picture instead of sing or play a song. It’s not that I’m untalented. I just don’t have a videocam or microphone for my computer because my talent is best “live and in person”. Ha!

    You do know that Hannukkah begins Dec 15. The menorah always looks better with more candles so you might have to settle either for a “Charlie Brown” menorah or one that is all lit before it’s “legal”.

    Oh yeah, the visual of you running down the hall to your mother is just too much for me.

  5. Two Roads — You can get an adequate computer microphone for five bucks at Kmart. I will further explain how to record a song if anyone needs help, as I am an experienced blogger/singer.

  6. I’m with Leesa on the kittens thing.

    Ummm. But how did you know that I have been walking around since last Friday singing “I Have a Little Dreidel” to myself? And I guess the next time I stop by my mom’s house, I will have to sit down at the piano and play “Christmas Time Is Here” — from “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Because Christmas is not complete until I have played that song.

  7. The only kittens allowed will be those wearing a Santa cap and sitting on the tree.

  8. Your imagination, Neil, has taken you far and wide this time. What a trip! can’t wait to read on…

    I’ve got the voice, but am not sure how to share it as a concert contribution. Maybe I’ll just send you one of my limericks — a Chanukah limerick.

  9. Ewww. Ick. Trying so hard not to visualize.

    Not succeeding.

  10. “So who else do you think they’d get to work on Christmas Eve?” Ha, ha, ha.

    And I hope your mom and Nick aren’t, um, sharing the cookies and milk, so to speak.

  11. CUTE!!! LOL!! I know Kew Gardens caused I grew in Briarwood. When I was little I was always freaked out by the cemetary there but the SAS building saved me.

    I thought Santa was dating my neighbor, Mrs. Rubenstein!

  12. It used to be: “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.” And now, thanks to you, Neil, it’s “My mom is doing it with Santa Claus.” Oh, the times, they are a-changing.

    I can’t sing for crap, but I’d do a French carol for you. I have to figure out the technical aspect of this…

  13. The whimsical side of you has taken over completely! I am enjoying this ride immensely although I fear I could never go to Brooklyn again…

  14. Santa leering at your mother’s figure.
    OMG. What an image! Can’t wait for the next installment.

  15. Will Santa pay for the bandwidth that a Holiday Concert would use?

  16. sounds like santa wants to leave your mother more than just a lump of coal.
    i can’t sing and trust me, i’d never figure out how to send it, but i’ll look for some festive pic for the concert.

  17. Frankly, the continuation of this story scares me a bit… but I’m excited about the concert now that I can send a picture.

  18. First you break the news that Santa is Jewish, now you tell us he and your mom are *um* *er* well you know…

    I think I will go have a nervous breakdown, you have shattered my reality.

    P.S. Did Santa and Mrs. Claus get a divorce!? Or is Santa just fooling around when he is out of town?

  19. What about mittens instead? No songs or instrumentals from me because I’m extremely inepts musically. But I love to listen!

  20. So I can, like, make a video? Or do you prefer just audio?

    And holy crap, Neil, your MOM!

  21. Welcome to my harsh reality… all those years I waited patiently for Santa to come? My mome was making out with him in the living room! All those lies they tell us…. 😛

  22. I have a read a lot of blog entries this year, but this: “Mom?” I gasped. ”Are you doing it with Santa Claus?!!” is the best sentence I have ever read in my life.

  23. Santa sure does get around. Does Mom know about condoms?

  24. Neil:
    Im in! I’m dragging out my old clarinet from middle schoo. Get ready!

  25. Ripped from the songsheets!! “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

  26. O, your Mom’s gonna make you pay for this one!

    Can I submit my kids making music? They’re not very cute.

  27. Neil,

    You saw mommy doing Santa Claus?

    I will send a pic. Trust me, you will all thank me for that instead of singing.

  28. Thank goodness – Kmart went out of business where I live! Saved from buying a 5 dollar mic and embarrassing myself altogether.

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