Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Mel Gibson Requests Meeting with Neilochka!

sandwich2.jpg

In a move that has taken Hollywood by surprise, Mel Gibson has requested a meeting with a Los Angeles-based blogger, Neil Kramer, the writer of the popular blog, “Citizen of the Month.”

In a public statement, Mr. Gibson stated:

“I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith. I’m not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing.”

As a leader in the Jewish blogger community, Neilochka was at first stunned by this request.

“I’m not exactly sure what to say to him. I mean if he’s not a bigot, what’s really the point of meeting with Jews like me? I guess we can always talk about how much I liked “Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior””

Neilochka’s big concern was that if they meet at a restaurant, which of the two of them was actually going to pick up the tab.

“I already have a reputation on my blog for being a bit of a cheapskate, even using half-price coupons at ‘Chicago for Ribs’ with Sophia . I certainly don’t want him to think of this as a ‘Jewish’ thing.”

This would not be the first time Neilochka had some interaction with the famed movie star.

“When I was at USC Film School, I used to do script analysis over at Icon Productions, his film company. I once passed Mr. Gibson in the hall at the movie studio, but we never had an opportunity to talk or trade ethnic slurs.”

Neilochka suggested that the two former co-workers meet at Canter’s Jewish Deli in Los Angeles for their historic meeting.

“I think once he tastes their excellent corned beef sandwich, Mel’s whole attitude towards Jews will change for the better.”

After Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic rants were recently made public, Neilochka was adamant that Hollywood should blacklist the actor because he’s an anti-Semite and a plain nasty person. However, on hearing about the upcoming meeting with Mr. Gibson, Neilochka’s resolve seemed to waver.

“I still find Mel Gibson a disgusting person. But just in case we hit it off, I’m bringing a copy of an old script to show him. It’s a buddy action/road movie about this gruff New York cop and this crazy rabbi who’s running from the mob. I call it… “Lethal Shlepin’.”

70 Comments

  1. That’s a salt-beef sandwich, no? With mustard, on rye? Mmm, delicious…

  2. cantor’s – reason enough to move back

  3. That sandwich needs a big fat pickle and an egg cream soda.

    Mel Gibson can kiss my ass. Ignorence always finds a way to show itself.

  4. What a crying shame you didn’t have “the opportunity to talk or trade ethnic slurs.”

    OK. That one made me laugh. A lot.

    Meow 😉

  5. Lethal Shlepin! I just laughed so hard, my coffee went through my nose… ew.. and ouch.

  6. Dying.

    “I once passed Mr. Gibson in the hall at the movie studio, but we never had an opportunity to talk or trade ethnic slurs.”

    Hahahahaha

  7. I heart Cantor’s.

  8. I am embarrassed for that guy. I can’t even type his name. Neil, don’t take the meeting, even if he is paying for lunch. The conversation will only degrade into: I didn’t mean what I said about the…either. I was high on their crack, meth or opium, depending.

  9. I sent him a script called Bonzo and the Pontiff.

    (Tagline: “He’s the Pope! And he’s the chimp! They’re detectives!”)

    I thought it would have been perfect for him but I think he didn’t like the idea of working with Ben Affleck as Pius X.

  10. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Good job, Neil.

  11. Please let this be picked up on the AP wire.

  12. first, I am amazed with the sheer amount of meat on that sandwich! How does one fit it into one’s mouth?!

    Second, Mel creeped me out far before all of this nonsense and now he disturbs me even more. Yurgh.

  13. Hah, Neil … I would hope you get a chance to ask him about that scary ridiculous beard.

  14. Great line about trading ethnic slurs. Corned beef sandwiches are enough to turn anyone’s head.

  15. I’d always thought that music soothed the savage soul, but maybe corned beef is worth a try.

  16. Ha ha! Nice Neil 🙂

  17. Neil dear, how do you do it??

    Awesome.

  18. Great stuff, Neil. “Lethal Shlepin'” definitely takes the cake — um, I mean the mile-high corned beef on rye!

  19. Lethal Shlepin! Ha ha ha! You owe me some Windex, Neil.

  20. I’m surprised you didn’t have your penis talk with him.

  21. I’m waiting for Danny to show up and disagree with me about the quality of the corned beef sandwiches at Canter’s. Now arguing about food is a Jewish trait!

  22. Neil:
    Brilliant. You know what we should do with Mel? Transport him to Cuba and orchestrate his rise to be that country’s new benevolent dictator.

  23. What? I love Canter’s! Of course their corned beef doesn’t hold a candle to Langer’s and I still prefer Junior’s overall cusine but Canter’s is the real deal—you’ll be getting no anti-Semitic tirade from me on that revered landmark of L.A.’s Jewtown.

    Am I the only one who thinks Mel’s newly contrite apology was written in a board room by his team of mostly Jewish publicists? But I’m sure he initialed it before it went out so we should all let his ugly ravings go, right? I would have been much more impressed if he had said something like “YES, I am an anti-Semite, I have discovered that I have some very negative feelings about Jews. I’m going to work hard to understand what’s underneath what I said the other day and I hope to heal this part of myself. I am very sorry for the statements I made and I also vow never to call a female police officer ‘Sugar Tits’ again.”

    P.S. I want to invest in “Lethal Shlepin.” Brilliant!

  24. Where did this Sugar Tits thing come from anyway? Has anyone else ever heard this term? And does he mean that the tits taste like sugar or look like a sack of sugar?

    Danny — And yes, I don’t know why he just didn’t say, “I am an anti-Semite and I will work on it.” Or something like that. What is going to talk about with these “Jewish leaders?” Does he mean his agents at CAA?

  25. First, as my stomach is reeeeally growling and rumbling right now, I didn’t need to see the picture of the dee-lish looking corn beef sandwich. (wiping slober from my mouth)

    Second, this whole, “will his career be over, thing” It is going to be interesting. I don’t forsee the movie execs running to his door anytime soon. But were they running to his door before this past Friday?

  26. Neil, this was definitely the most brilliant post ever. I mean it. I am using it in my Creative Writing class, if I have your permission, this year. It has everything. Tone, voice, oh my God. You really brought your A Game today. Bravo.

  27. Neil, you caught me on the Sugar Tits thing. That’s Mel’s nickname for me … I told him to stop saying it in public! It’s because I’m sweet …

    This was a great post. I just wish you would have given us your penis’ perspective on things …

  28. Brilliant post (“Lethal Shlepin'” Bwahahahaaa!)!

    And I think Danny’s comment was spot on.

  29. Far from the first, but I am vastly amused by “Lethal Schlepin'”. And yeah, no, I often leave for work in the morning and realize I have neglected to brush my hair. I have good hair, I can rock it unbrushed.

  30. I think his next movie is going to be “Turd on a Wire.”

  31. I’m with Blonde Vigilante. Let your penis do the talking, one dickhead to another.

  32. I would go see Lethal Schlepin!

  33. We want a full report on how your meeting goes (with pictures).

    I, personally, would like to see Mr. Gibson prove himself by taking part in the ancient Jewish custom of circumcision.

    What’s that? He’s probably already circumcised? No no, silly – I’m talking about lopping off his other head….the one on his shoulders that makes it possible for him to open his mouth and spew ignorance.

  34. Leave Mel along. He didn’t do anything. I can’t wait for his new movie to come out. Mel Jesus loves you.

  35. Great Job !!! Neil, but I really don’t think he would be eating with you anytime soon, unless he has plenty of time to get booze up first . ha ha ha ha

  36. Canters pastrami can turn the heart of any Nazi into pure love.

  37. What I fear is some of those good people, who don’t go to movies, but flocked to see The Passion of the Christ are tacitly agreeing with Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic statements, even as he more or less denies them. I’m afraid they may be glad a big celebrity gave voice to their beliefs. Because I write Southern novels, I tour the South. I’ve spoken to groups in beautiful homes, stuffed with antiques, where even at 10:00 AM a miasma of bourbon floated from the thick, silk drapes and Oriental carpets. When I said I was Jewish a frisson rippled through the well-dressed crowd. They were invariably polite, but it was clear, I was no longer “their kind.” I am also afraid some of the not-so-closeted anti-Semites in bars and back-yards not just in the South but across the country are nodding their heads and saying, “You tell it like it is, Mel.”

  38. Does the sandwich come with horseradish?
    Way to keep the humor up – we all win when we can share a laugh!!

  39. You’ve got it wrong. You need to take him to a place that serves alcohol. Get him liquored up (shouldn’t be too difficult, being around a Jewish guy will make him nervous, and he’ll want to calm his nerves). One of two things can happen–either he will get drunk and go on a Jew-hating tirade, which you can capture on tape, or he’ll get drunk enough to develop such severe beer goggles that he makes a play for you. Don’t turn him down! Go all the way with him, so he wakes up the next day (on tape, since Sophia will be there with a camera) in bed next to a Jew! And a man, although he may be no stranger to that.

    You can still slip him the screenplay.

  40. Karla — it sounds like you’ve written some Hollywood screenplays yourself!

    Chantel — Horseradish? I don’t want to be like Mel Gibson and make slurs against non-Jews, but horseradish on a corned beef sandwich?  Maybe at O’Canter’s in Dublin.

  41. More Gibson-non-goyim good remakes:

    BraveHalvah
    The Sea of Gallipoli
    The Mensch without a Face

  42. I would advise against trying to woo a goyim with a corned beef sandwich, Neil. I almost didn’t marry my husband after he took me to Lindy’s in New York. My delicate shixa stomach just wasn’t ready for that much sandwich.

  43. Yikes: I just re-read my previous comment and it could be interpreted to be pro-Mel! NO no no. Put Mel on a boat to Cuba. Place him in the middle of that wronged, angry population and see how he fares. I feel much better now.

  44. hahahaha! you are frickin’ hilarious!

  45. Give me 5 minutes – I’ll have him angry at his dad for the stupidity of following a lunatic hate-filled nun.

  46. make sure your lovely ex gets cast as the female lead. you might even be able to do a song for the soundtrack!

  47. Neil: brilliant post…but I do want to add my Jewish 2 cents about the corned beef…Brent’s deli in the Valley is truly the best. I agree, Mel should just admit he’s an antisemite and shut his big mouth. Do we really think he gives a sh*t about meeting with Jewish leaders? Probably about as much as he gives a sh*t about his wife and family.

  48. Maybe Jews are trouble. We can’t even agree on where the best sandwich is in Los Angeles.

  49. How do you even work in Hollywood if you hate Jews? It’s like trying to drive a car with no pedals.

  50. no way! you did not just write lethal shlepin! just when i thought you couldn’t get any more brilliant.

    but, i think corned beef is a good tactic. ply him with salted boiled meat and he’ll be sure to drink anything in site…once he’s drunk again, you can get him to consent to appearing alongside mel brooks in lethal shlepin.

  51. Mmmmm….Corned Beef.

    I’ll take one, please. With extra horseradish.

  52. I agree Neil, you’re brilliant. And I’m not just saying that to get a bite of that corned beef. Well, yeah I am.

  53. my god you really are becoming just too damn famous for the likes of us now, Neil.
    BTW Mel told me he’s gone vegetarian now!
    more corned beef for the rest of us gluts!

  54. Thank you for making my night! This is a wonderful blog. I only wish I had found it sooner. 😀

  55. How do you do it every day? You are so very funny!

  56. Is it wrong that you lost me at the picture of the sandwich? I’m sooooo hungry now.

  57. Mel Gibson cant be an anti-Semite. Some of his best friends are black.

  58. brilliant Neilochka, I would love to see that film,

  59. Loraine said:

    “What I fear is some of those good people, who don’t go to movies, but flocked to see The Passion of the Christ are tacitly agreeing with Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic statements, even as he more or less denies them. I’m afraid they may be glad a big celebrity gave voice to their beliefs. Because I write Southern novels, I tour the South. I’ve spoken to groups in beautiful homes, stuffed with antiques, where even at 10:00 AM a miasma of bourbon floated from the thick, silk drapes and Oriental carpets. When I said I was Jewish a frisson rippled through the well-dressed crowd. They were invariably polite, but it was clear, I was no longer “their kind.” I am also afraid some of the not-so-closeted anti-Semites in bars and back-yards not just in the South but across the country are nodding their heads and saying, “You tell it like it is, Mel.” ”

    You must travel in different circles than I, a native born Southerner. I can attest that I have never met anyone who expressed one iota of bigotry towards Jews. Next time you are down here, let me show you around.

  60. having been born and raised in the bible belt, i can tell you there is plenty of anti-semitism in the south. but it’s not oozing out of the pores of jesus bubba waving the stars-and-bars, and i’ve encountered plenty of jew hatred in the north as well.

    some hardcore southern baptists actually have more respect towards jews than i’ve seen from other christian sects — the old testament is part of their religion, and jesus was a jew.

    but to hell with that! i want to be in mel’s next jew flick! and, what, are you trying to kill him with that food. “pastrami killed more jews than the holocaust” — zero mostel. maybe mel should quote that instead.

  61. Brilliant! I’ll save a spot for you in ‘How to Disarm Racists 101’!

  62. Crusin Mom is right. Brent’s is the best deli in the city, bar none.

  63. It is interesting to see that numerous Jews in the Media and on the Internet are trying to escalate a DUI charge to the massacre of the women and children in Lebanon, and the destruction of precious infrastructure.

  64. Tom — It’s an old Jewish media trick. Notice how a few months ago during tensions in the Gaza Strip that Tom Cruise and his mysterious “baby” suddenly became a media story, distracting the public from the learning the “real” story in Israel.

  65. Extending a Jewish hand to Mel Gibson
    is clutching an asp to your chest,
    just ask Cleopatra about the outcome.

  66. Tell him to bugger off.

  67. mmmmmm chicago for ribs. i love that place.

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