EXT. QUEENS NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
A typical middle-class Queens neighborhood. We hear a piano playing and two voices singing an old song:
“Boy the way Glen Miller played
Songs that made the hit parade.
Guys like us we had it made,
Those were the days.”
INT. QUEENS LIVING ROOM – DAY
Neil and his Penis are singing together at the piano.
“And you knew who you were then,
Girls were girls and men were men,
Mister we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again.
Didn’t need no welfare state,
Everybody pulled his weight.
Gee our old LaSalle ran great.
Those were the days.”
After they finish singing, Neil sighs wistfully.
Neil: “Being back in New York certainly makes me nostalgic for the old days. Handball in Flushing Meadows Park, flipping baseball cards, playing the game of “Life” in my room with my friend Rob.
Penis: “Being here makes me nostalgic, too.”
Neil: “Really? I didn’t figure you as a sentimental type.”
Penis: “Sure. I had youthful dreams like everyone else.”
Neil: “Like what?”
Penis: “Well, like you actually f***ing someone before you turned ** years of age?”
Neil: “I’m sorry about that. I was shy.”
Penis: So, I had to suffer? You should have let me do all the talking.”
Neil: Penis, I really don’t want to get into this conversation again.”
Penis: “I’m still upset about Debbie Rosenzweig.”
Neil: “Not Debbie again.”
Penis: Clearly she wanted to f***k you after that concert — what was that band’s name? They were my favorite — ”
Neil: “The Talking Heads.”
Penis: “Right… she practically had her hand down your pants.”
Neil: “Debbie was my friend.”
Penis: “Exactly! And she wanted to get more friendly!”
Neil: “I didn’t want to ruin things with us.”
Penis: “Jeez, they should revoke your license to be a man.”
Neil: “Aw, c’mon, Penis. we’ve had some good times together. I’ve probably spent more time playing with you than all of my friends combined.”
Penis: “I guess we have had some good times. And It’s nice being back in the old stomping ground of Flushing, New York.”
Neil: “But the neighborhood looks so different. The Greek deli — gone. The Garden Bakery, with those amazing onion rolls — out of business. All my friends — moved away. I guess time really does march on. ”
Penis: “I miss the old days myself.”
Neil: “Yeah? In what way?”
Penis: “For one thing, being a Penis used to be a lot more prestigious. I remember when a girl would go crazy when I would make my appearance in the bedroom — proud and strong, like a U.S. Marine. Now every woman has some sort of exotic vibrator at home with more controls than a Tivo. How can I ever compete?”
Neil: “C’mon, women will always have a place for a Penis.”
Penis: “Are you so sure about that? I hear there’s a new vibrator coming out with a docking station for the woman’s iPod.”
Neil: “Wow, I didn’t realize you were as insecure as I am.”
Penis: “Sometimes I worry that my Glory Days are gone. I remember when the C**k was King. Now it’s all about cunnilingus. It’s the fault of that damn ‘Sex and the City’! Now, every woman wants the tongue. What are we — men or puppy dogs? It’s like the c**k has become a second class citizen. Soon they won’t even call you “Citizen of the Month” anymore.”
Neil: “I guess we both need to adjust to the times.”
Penis: “Adust? Me? No, I’m gonna keep on f***ing MY WAY until I’m ninety years old. I’m even hoping to get a little action here during this NY trip.
Neil: “You do realize that Sophia’s here.”
Penis: “I know. And I applaud you for renting that romantic lake-side cabin in the Berkshires next week. Finally, you’re doing something smart.”
Neil: “Uh, maybe I forgot to tell you… but my mother to going with us.”
Penis: “Please. Shoot me now.”