Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Reader’s Digest

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I love all my blogger-friends.  I really do.  But there’s no way I’m going to sit here all day and read your dopey blogs on my mother’s dial-up here in Flushing — while I fall asleep during the page loads.   Did we once all used dial-up?  It’s like still using morse code.

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But I hate not keeping up with the lives of other people.  What if someone gets engaged or finds a new job or has sex with a midget — and I miss the post?  It just won’t be the same reading the post a week from now, when everyone else has moved on and I’m the only one at the party.

So, I have a favor to ask.   Could you write a one sentence synopsis of what’s going on in your current life so I can feel like I’m still “plugged in” to the blogosphere — sort of a “Reader’s Digest” of my usual blog reading. 

Please ONE SENTENCE only.  After all, I’m on vacation.  And seriously, how interesting is your life anyway that it deserves more than one sentence?

We’ll be in the Berskshires next week if anyone wants to come visit.

A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month:  Judging a Man by His Shoes

83 Comments

  1. I just got engaged to a midget whom I met at my new job. You can read all about it on my blog. Have fun in NY!

  2. Ohhh you’re in Flushing? Have you been to the restaurant EAST over there? It’s soo good..try it!! Ask your ma to take you!

  3. In my blog today: I must be attractive to men, as the Dunkin Donuts guy punched my frequent buyer’s card for 5 cups of coffee when I only bought one, thus prematurely earning me a free large coffee, which I will gladly drink tomorrow, regardless of the fact that the only reason I’m getting it is because some guy at Dunkin Donuts likes my ass.

  4. visiting fire island as a single woman is like being chum in shark infested waters.

    gotta love it.

  5. I posted a pic of my mouth wide open receiving something long and hot.

  6. French families are hiding immigrant children so they won’t be deported – shades of WWII!

  7. Today I performed a public service by telling my blog readers to floss and brush, and I continued on my journey as a blogger with biceps; these things came after deciding NOT to haul ass to IKEA in Pittsburgh this weekend, because the coffee cocktail table can wait.

  8. Posted about the time I vomited next to pigs in Vietnam (and included a rather lovely diagram) — but am currently sitting at my desk, staring out my window, wishing I was sitting near the water instead of just looking at it from here. Oh, and I got promoted. 🙂

  9. I met and had wild, uninhibited, sweaty jungle sex with George Clooney, the details are on my blog.

    UNPLUG! YOU’RE ON VACATION!!!

  10. I rambled on about being single in context of a book a nice publicist sent me about being single. Also, my date who cried is still calling, I’m about to start another month on Match.com, I broke my favorite pair of heels and I don’t care if you only wanted one sentence. My life is very complex and nuanced and you’re a man, so you have no clue what it is that you want.

    Love ya! 🙂

  11. I got invited to a party with the Mayor of Paris and my family is laughing because I complain about him all the time and now I’ll be drinking his champagne.

  12. We joined a bunch of hippies to watch the sun go down at Golden Gardens but not before first eating Fish and Chips at Totem House.

    I don’t even know that you’re reading me. But there you go.

  13. Sex with TWO midgets. Details to follow.

  14. Have a great time. How come you arent camping, you wuss? YOu didnt miss much on my recent entry…about blue eating a few bites of pb and j.

  15. Husband and kids gone for two weeks…it’s Jules gone wild!

  16. You already heard all details of my life, past, present and [near] future, and much more than in one sentence.

    I feel new post is knocking.

  17. Five days out from my birthday, hit the spa for a full bikini wax, and getting ready for a fun filled weekend in NYC and Doc’s wedding.

  18. I posted an article revealing the best-kept secret for being irresistible to any woman.

  19. One sentence huh? I flew from Australia to Dubai (16 hour flight) to spend 48 hours on the ground for a job interview, before flying home (another 16 hours). Details on my blog.

  20. I compared the human soul to cracked china–sorta; and I thought up a hella clever double-entendre response to your last comment on my blog (and please note my wily use of semicolon and parenthesis in order to cheat and fit three sentences into one thankyouverymuchandgoodnight).

  21. Seeing as I have dial up at home, I haven’t done too much except wait for Citizen Of The Month to load.

  22. Birthday tomorrow. New job. Less time for partying/blog reading because of new (real) job.

  23. I am taking a sensual bath.

  24. Had a dream about you two nights ago (really). (Just one sentence, right?)

  25. Saw Tom Petty at the tweeter center, his new demographic is the 22-24 yr old, who proceeded to get very drunk, high, etc and trample us as well as spill TWO beers on my head!

  26. Mrs. Mogul — Will try “East.” Flushing has the best Chinese food this side of Hong Kong.

    Jessica — That was PURE TEASE.

    Sandra — Congrats on your promotion. Will that mean less time for blogging?

    Melissa — Unplug? And not read your erotic stories?

    Charming — One sentence! Why can’t women follow the rules?

    Pam — Is Fish and Chips part of the Summer Solstice celebration?

    Painter — Being at my childhood home reminds me of pb and j.

    Jules — What does a wild Jules do?

    Annie D — Your post I will read.

    Jules #2 — I would think Dubai would be one weird place to live and work. What was it like?

    Miss Syl and Alison — Clever and proper use of the semicolon.

    Sedulia — You must be one classy dame to get invited there.

    Dagny — Happy Birthday.

    Scarlet — Still with dial-up? That’s what I like about you. Real old school.

    Chickybabe – !

    Eekat — That’s pretty common with most of my readers…

  27. 1 sentence description: Met an actual (as in we’re still in contact) guy at another pagan festival and had a great job interview.
    Separately (and you can’t make this stuff up) one of my truly best friends is a dwarf. I’m not going to go all PC on your ass, but figured I’d mention it to make you feel guilty.
    Enjoy the Berkshires (which I will pretend to take credit for; I did suggest it).

  28. PS there are several “East”s, including one a few in Manhattan. Quite good. But if I were you, I’d stick with an all Chinese diet until they ripped me screaming and kicking out of Flushing.

  29. OMG so you showed up in my fantasy last night and you were OMG..so unbelievable, Neil and I cried out and oh my god, I’m…..(sorry, that’s what dial-up will do to you)

  30. i’m still helpless in love with people in far faraway land, not berkshire.

  31. Hell, I’m in Iowa. I don’t even have enough for one sentence. (except these two, that is)

  32. My stomach is in knots. That is all.

  33. I’m sick, I’m getting better, I took a screwdriver and opened up my DVD player to fix it today (proud male moment) – life really doesn’t get much more exciting than this.

  34. midget orgy! also strawberries and schnapps, not necessarily in that order. have a great vacation 🙂

  35. I went to Ikea, baked more cinnamon buns, am contemplating buying a pasta machine, got a sore throat, posted about stripping (doors, not people), and put stuff on ebay; no midget orgies here, much to the dismay of my husband (if he could get sex by pretending to be a midget he would), and now you don’t need to read my blog for another few weeks. Phew.

  36. Boy Scouts wrapped up for the year, more heavy rain is coming and we are concerned about flooding again.

  37. Watched Superman I last night, you know, the one from 1978 (has anyone noticed how horrible Margot Kidder’s monologue is when they’re flying? Horrible.)

  38. I am not sure you meant my blog, but just in case, here it is: Yesterday I saw a guy beating the crap out of his dog, I yelled at him and risked getting the crap beat out of me. Luckily, I lived.
    Have fun!

  39. You aren’t missing anything, but I will be blogging all about Lisbon and the Portuguese language and culture starting on the 30th.

  40. I’m writing an effing dissertation and drinking more Spanish wine than is probably advisable.

    So except for the fact that I usually drink Italian wine, it’s pretty much par for the course.

  41. I’m having racy IM conversations and posting them. That’s all she wrote, folks!

  42. I live in the boonies. The only high speed that’s not ass expensive is with the cable company…and we have satellite. It’s ok, keeps me real.

  43. This is really a cool exercise; getting all us blah blah bloggers to get it down to bite-sized.

  44. I solved the Jimmy Hoffa disappearance, attended a state dinner with Bushie and the President of Uganda, and cured urinary tract infections forever.

    Eh, not much otherwise.

  45. I drank too much wine and my head hurts.

  46. I’ve been rounding up some pen-pals for Penis, knitting a “wee-wee” warmer for him and have been mixing Prozac cocktails for my friends.

  47. Was abducted by aliens.

  48. Oreo has become addicted to soap operas.

  49. Wow, a lot of people not following the one sentence rule.
    Me: Emotional, but in a good way; work; good, school; good, life; good, need to relax after this week and I plan to do just that.

    Crap. I missed the one sentence rule, also.

  50. You read too many blogs!

    I’ve been writing about rednecks and mutant squash. Seriously.

  51. Our house has termites, darn it.

  52. I’m now the head of Ecuador.

  53. I’m busy being an insomniac and comparing men and boys.

  54. I ran out of peanut butter.

  55. i’ve been listening to howard stern and hoping a midget will have sex with me.

  56. I am packing and saying good-bye to all my friends in the Cruz. All you are missing is a series of nostalgic, weepy posts.

    xoxo
    sizz

  57. You missed my photo caption contest – first prize was sex with me – and a midget.

  58. I’m going to try water aerobics and the teacher is a midget.

  59. I woke up at a friend’s house only to discover that I arrived the night before in only a robe to which the sash was lost; my head hurts and there’s a midget in the trunk of my car.

  60. Did I ever tell you I was a midget? For some odd reason, I’m feeling a little spent today.

  61. Food poisoning, get drunk and fall down; the usual.

  62. I still have bronchitis.

  63. I stopped blogging on the Nonsensical Flounderings blog and concentrating on some art projects.

  64. How spooky. Was recently asked by my brother if I ever had sex with a midget (after learning I had an affair with an amputee back in the day). I had to answer no, but there was a Christian Scientist…

  65. barcelona birthday trip, incident with internet stalker, soon to come pictures of barcelona.

  66. I have a new job and my neighbor’s toilet exploded, flooding my apartment but I got it fixed today by a very good contractor and I love the Berkshires and I’m going up there in July!

  67. Roberta — I think you’re my first pagan blogger.

    Wendy — And I used to think of you as a straight-laced Mommy blogger.

    Bill — You fixed your DVD player yourself. How macho!

    Ash — Buy that pasta machine. You only live once!

    Alissa — Trying to catch up on all the Supermans before the newest one?

    Justrun — How heroic!

    Kimananda — Why? Are you going to Lisbon? Do you want with speak with my mother who just visited it?

    JordanBaker — Is the wine from Trader Joe’s?

    Blond Vigilante — You seemed like a racy IM conversation type of gal.

    Scarlet — You don’t to keep on explaining why you use dial-up. We still love you, even if you are a cheapskate.

    Jenni — Wasn’t that the same thing going on last week?

    Pearl — Hopefully not too wee-wee.

    Party Girl — Why do so many people flaunt the rules? Were you a disobedient child? ONE SENTENCE!

    Brett — Time to move back to LA!

    Alexandra — Can I get discounts on bananas?

    Heather — What distinguishes a man and a boy?

    Awe — No peanut butter! Skippy or Jif?

    Kristen — Roberta knows a midget. Maybe she can hook you up.

    Sizzle — You’re gonna love Seattle!

    Brooke — Doesn’t IMing you from my cell phone count for something?

    Margaret — Hot!

    Chantel — What did you eat that poisoned you?

    Tanya — Do you want me to have my mother make you some chicken soup?

    Mik — I”ll check it out.

    Mari — I’ve always wanted to go to Barcelona.

    Teahouse — Maybe we’ll pass each other on the road from NYC – Berkshires.

  68. I had sex with a midget, but that’s not really news.

  69. Well, as you seem to be offering me another sentence…I’m spending the month of July in Lisbon, to get my Portuguese back up to speed (it having been continually beaten up over the past couple of years by a tall blonde Scandinavian language), and would love to talk to your mother about it, but truth is, I lived there for 6 years (1995-2001), and will mainly be seeing people I already know, and roaming places I know taking photos…on the other hand, your Mom could tell really funny stories about your childhood, so yes, I’d love to talk to her about, erm, Lisbon.

  70. Fevers run rampant, spreading like wildfire and dogs want to spend time on the beach.

  71. I got pissed at the pub watching France qualify against Togo and nearly lost my voice screaming, but I’m too afraid to write about this on my blog because I don’t think any of my readers will care – and i’m going on a date with you Saturday night.

  72. I’ve just been sitting here all day reading your 72 comments.

  73. Waiting for the part of my life that has to do with ME to begin.

  74. dwarf dwarf dwarf dwarf dwarf!

    midget is wrong!!!

    Oh, I had an affair with a one armed man. Visually, it occasionally freaked me out, but tactilely, it served some interesting functions…

  75. Not much, working my ass off, hating the world, deleting 10,000 emails and eating some Corn Pops.

  76. Instead of spending my long-awaited summer vacation sunning myself on a beach in Cape Cod, I spent it in a funeral home.

  77. I had an orgy with the all the men from PWMLA (People With Missing Limbs of America). It was awesome. And stumpy.

    And also, I’m on vacation in GA. Kicking it redneck style with my family.

  78. I had sex/ with a midget. One part is true, one is not. Figure it out.

    What’s more fun, New York or L.A.?

  79. What was Dubai like, you ask Neil? Well, this is why the whole one sentence Reader’s Digest version of things doesn’t work!! 😉

    A Serious Answer: it was really, really, ridiculously hot. And kind of surreal as well, since I went to see Ski Dubai (the indoor ski slope). Lots of construction going on (they have one-third of the world’s cranes at work there, so a lot of new buildings going up).

    Oh, and the best thing about the trip: I got upgraded on my flights both ways! Business class = very nice indeed.

  80. Roberta — Is dwarf really the PC way of saying it? I thought it was “little person.”

  81. I’m late again, but let me say: darts and beer, girls and boys, wigs and moustaches. Oh, and cats and vodka. Always cats and vodka.

  82. I’ve written several BRILLIANT AND INCISIVE posts on my blog and you’ve missed them all.

    I go to the Berkshires every summer. Tanglewood is heaven.

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