Are your readers complaining that you never respond to their comments, or spreading mean-spirited rumors that you only email those female bloggers who can be seen on Flickr wearing tank-tops or extremely tight t-shirts that read “Fussy:  writing well is the best revenge?”  This plugin is for you.

Imaginary Wordpress Plugin:  Automatic Comment Respond-o-Meter

Overview

This Wordpress plugin allows you to respond to your commenters automatically, bringing a human “touch” to your blog and making your readers feel as if the blog administrator really cares about their opinion rather than just their “hits”.  Social media strategists and probloggers all agree that taking the time to “service” your reader will help you monetize your online property and increase you page views. 

Automatic Comment Respond-o-Meter has 350 unique responses to every type of comment.  Most responses are general enough that after publishing your blog, you can just go off to see a movie, and let the plug-in do all the work.  Your readers won’t know a thing.

The 350 responses have been scientifically picked to be as broad, but as positive-oriented as possible, delivered randomly.

The blogger “response” will show up several minutes after the initial comment, at varying times, so it appears to the average reader to be written by a busy, but lovable human being, and not the plug-in bot.  Gender set-up is done on the administrative page, as well as the level of “snark” that you want exhibited in your personal response.

This plugin requires a basic knowledge of HTML to modify your comment form.

Example of Use

comment:  I loved this post.  And it is so true what you say about American Idol.  I’ll be glued to the screen tonight!

automatic response after three minutes:  Thank you for that great comment.  You are the best!

Other popular responses include:

“How true!”

“Have you seen the Wikipedia article on this subject?  Fascinating!”

“Now I know why I chose you as my blog crush.”

“Can’t wait to see you at BlogHer!”

“LMAO.”

“I hate you.  Only joking!  I’m just jealous of how talented you are.”

“Dooce couldn’t have said it better.”

“That comment totally turned me on, baby.”

and the always useful, “Yes!!!”

Installation

Download the Automatic Comment Respond-o-Meter Plugin version 1.1 Beta
(For Imaginary Wordpress 2.5+)   Coming soon!

To install, unzip the files into your /wp- content/plugins/ folder. Then activate it under the Plugin menu in your Wordpress admin.

If you want to modify the theme, it is extremely easy to do.  Simply make all the necessary changes to the following:

<ol class=”commentresponse”>

<?php foreach ($comments as $comment) : ?>

<li <?php echo $oddcomment; ?>id=”comment-<?php comment_ID() ?>”>
<?php echo get_avatar( $comment, 32 ); ?>
<cite><?php comment_author_link() ?></cite> Says:
<?php if ($comment->comment_approved == ‘0′) : ?>
<em>Your comment is awaiting moderation.</em>
<?php endif; ?>
<br />

<small class=”commentmetadataresponse”><a href=”#comment-<?php comment_ID() ?>” title=””><?php comment_date(’F jS, Y’) ?> at <?php comment_time() ?></a> <?php edit_comment_link(’edit’,’ ‘,”); ?></small>

</li>

<?php
/* Changes every other comment to a different class */
$oddcomment = ( empty( $oddcommentresponse ) ) ? ‘class=”alt” ‘ : ”;
?>

<?php endforeach; /* end for each comment */ ?>

</ol>

I remember when I started blogging, I promised myself that I would never write about “blogging.” Could there be a subject more boring? God help us when the first movie about bloggers comes out. The studios love to make movies about current trends (breakdancing movies, anyone?) Warner Bros., please don’t make a blogging movie with Reese Witherspoon as a young blogger who falls in love with blah blah blah!

Unfortunately for you, the more I blog, the more I’ve become interested in the actual subject matter of blogging.

So, here are three weekend blogging thoughts, sort of a sequel to my earlier post on blogging tools:

1)

What are these banner things? I’ve been blogging for more than a year, and I’m still not sure what most of these banners are for. Question for those who are involved in these groups:

“Does anyone actually come to your site from “Blog Universe” or “Blogtopsites?”"

Blogarama? Blogwise? Bloggernity? Blogstreet? What the hell is all this crap? Frankly, I don’t trust any button that blinks on and off. And if you want more readers, isn’t it easier to just steal contacts from other blogrolls?

So, what’s the buzz, are any of these groups worth joining?

2)

Let’s talk about readership. Recently I got an email from a new blogger saying how lucky I was that I had all these readers. While I’m honored (I mean truly honored) to have people come to my site, I was just as happy when I had three readers. In fact, too many bloggers around makes me anxious. I’m trying to be creative. Who needs all these other “creative” people hanging around making me feel insecure?

My biggest problem is that I enjoy writing. That means I’m like a hermit. I’m not used to interacting with hot blogging babes all the way from Indonesia! There’s just too many cool bloggers out there to meet and talk with. It all begins to feels like a huge party where you’re supposed to circulate yourself from person to person, making chit-chat. I’m terrible at parties. I usually talk to one person all night. I’m the type a guy who meets a woman, and stays married to her for nine years until she throws me out. I’ve already written about my total disinterest in ever having a menage a trois. Dealing with one woman is hard enough. I struggle sometimes making blogging a more intimate experience for me and for my bloggers-friends. Sometimes I wish for more interaction other than snippy comments back and forth. Maybe it’s just asking too much from blogging. It is what it is.

I recently moved my entire blogroll to a separate page and started doing a “Crush of the Day.” This has greatly lessened my anxiety. I can make believe that I’m having coffee and bagels with just one person at a cool diner, rather than in the middle of a wild party with drunken bloggers taking their tops off. I mean, that could be fun too, but NOT every day.

3)

One problem I’m always having while blogging is remembering where I commented on. For instance, let’s create this scenario:

Sam writes a post about his beloved grandmother. I read his post and love it. I write this comment:

“Hey, Sam, your grandmother sounds cool. How old is she now?”

Sam is impressed that I cared about his grandmother. He writes a long comment all about his wonderful grandmother. And you know what — I forget to go back. I completely forget that I wrote that question. Sam notices in his stats that I never came back. He starts bad-mouthing me to every blogger in town, saying, “Neilochka is a lying phony asshole who hates my grandmother!.” My reputation gets ruined.

A few days ago, I came across two free online applications that follow your comments, so you can keep track of where you have been — Cocomment (review) and Co.mments (review). They sound like they could be useful. But I’m pretty slow in trying new things out (I still don’t have an iPod), so I mention this, hoping that some geeky guy like Kevin will try it out first and report back. The only bad thing about these “comment” followers is that, like with the cellphone, there’s no more excuses anymore for not answering back.

I will actually have to care about your boring grandmother.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Russian Porn: First We Shovel Snow

I hate all you bloggers out there.   All you ever talk about is:

“Me, me, me.  Read me!  Read me!” 

And I’m no better.   I’m like a trained monkey typing away to amuse a bunch of ungrateful strangers. 

At least Stephanie Klein gets paid to write.  

Or if at least I got to sleep with some hot female blogger – that would make blogging worth the trouble.  

“But no,” she said.  “You’re married.” 

I noticed Lynn started a Poetry Thursday segment.  I hate poetry, but I wrote one anyway.

Dark, Dark, Dark
It Makes me Weary,
Just Thinkin’ About
The Blogosphery

I would quit blogging right now, but I’m too wishy-washy to make my own decision.  That’s why I’m going to let Fate decide.  Whoever writes the FIRST SECOND THIRD comment — I want you to tell me whether to continue blogging or to quit immediately. 

YOUR DECISION will be final.  You will decide the future of “Citizen of the Month.”

You always hear "nice guys" complaining about women who only want to go out with "bad boys."  I’ve never complained about this, because I feel the same way about women.  I’ve always been attracted to the "trouble-maker."  When I use that term, I don’t mean a female criminal with tattoos riding a Harley.  I mean the high-maintenance but loveable woman, the irresisitable female who is also a pain in the ass. 

I blame this on Lucille Ball.  Growing up, I was in love with "I Love Lucy."  While other watched reruns of  "The Brady Bunch" after school, I watched reruns of Lucy and Ethel in the chocolate factory.  Being a bookish kid, I guess I fantasized about Lucy because she was so fearless.   She was a handful to be married to, and Ricky sure complained a lot, but would he have it any other way?  His life could never be boring with Lucy as his wife.  Even though Ricky was the famous bandleader, it was clear to everyone that Lucy was the more interesting character.

Sophia spelled "trouble" from the minute I met her.  We were dating only a few days when she almost "accidentally" burnt her apartment down by leaving something in the oven for six hours.  She broke her toe while hopping in the living room.  She took to making and drinking this kombucha "mushroom" tea because it sounded so exotic and exciting, even though I told her not to, and almost poisoned herself.  When she forgot to buy me a birthday gift,  I came home the next week to a multi-colored custom-made $4000 ergonomic desk chair that we could not afford.  It wasn’t enough that she got a swing band and a klezmer band for our wedding, at the last moment she also hired some belly dancers she saw at a restaurant.  She was always spontaneous, ready to go for a drive to dinner — all the way in Bakersfield.

And this is only during my first year of knowing her.   

But the minute I saw an old photo of her with red hair — that was it.  I was in love.

Important news flash to all those about to get married:  The thing you most love about your spouse will also become the thing that will end up annoying you the most.

Sophia is unpredictable and uncontrollable.  Sexy and exasperating.  She always forgets that she should respect boundaries and will step over them for you — for good and bad.

On my blog, readers write all sorts of comments to my posts, some serious, some sarcastic, some mean.  On a recent post, a reader wrote something that sounded mean.

I got a phone call from Sophia.

Sophia:  I read your blog today.

Me:  Uh oh, what now?

Sophia:  It’s about one of your readers, "M."  First she was mean to you, now she’s dissing some reader of yours.

Me:  She was joking.

Sophia:  No, she wasn’t.  Remember she once emailed you, angry about some innocuous joking comment you made on her blog about the genitals of Japanese men?

Me:  "M" and I made up weeks ago. 

Sophia:  I think you should delete the comment, especially since it attacks one of your readers.

Me:  I’ve never deleted a comment before.

Sophia:  She deleted your Japanese comment.

Me:  You’re like the Lady Macbeth of the blogging world. 

I ended up deleting the comment.

Later on, I received an email from "M."  She said I was being too sensitive and that she was just joking.   "M" and I made up again.

A few hours later, I received another email from "M."  This time, she was not friendly.   She accused me of writing an anonymous and nasty comment on her blog.   I told her that I had no idea what she was talking about.   She said I called her rude and bitchy.  I said I didn’t write it.  She insisted that I did and she had proof — she checked her stats and the comment came from my IP address!

How could that be?   But then I thought about it.  What would Lucy do?  Who else was in my apartment today?

I called up Sophia.

Me:  Sophia, did you…

Sophia:  OK, OK, I wrote the anonymous comment.  I’m guilty.   I’m sorry.  Don’t be pissed.  I can’t stand it when I think someone is trying to hurt you…

Oy.

Sophia, my protector, my bodyguard.  She does it out of love, I know. 

And didn’t Ricky always forgive Lucy…?