Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Double Entendres and Croissants

croissant3.jpg

I had the cold first.  Then, I went over to Sophia to get some TLC, and got her sick.  So, by the end of the week, we were both miserable.

Friday, I took some pills and ventured out, mostly because I was excited to meet two bloggers coming to town from San Francisco — Kristy of She Just Walks Around With It and Ish of The Original Pawns of Comedy.  I really enjoyed meeting them and talking about blogging, writing, comedy, and all sorts of things.  We had lunch in Hermosa Beach and then took a walk on the beach right up to the waves. 

Being with people new to the area helped me look at LA in a new way.  I complain about living in Los Angeles a lot, but there is something to be said for living right by the beach, even if I sometimes feel like a fish-out-of-water in the beach culture — with the surfer dudes, the professional volleyball girls, and the ubiquitous fish tacos.

On Saturday, Sophia and I, still under the weather, spent most of the day inside, watching TV.  We especially enjoyed watching old game shows on the Game Show Network.  The highlight of the day was "The Newlywed Game," especially when Bob Eubanks asked the "wives" this question:

"Which of the following game show titles best describes your husband’s behavior lately in the whoopie department?"

A)  Concentration
B)  Make Me Laugh
C)  Beat the Clock

I thought I would have some fun with Sophia and ask her to play along.

"So, what’s your answer?"

"Whoopie meaning sex, right?"

"Yes.  So, which game show title best describes your husband’s behavior?  Concentration?  Make Me Laugh? Or Beat the Clock?"

"I never heard of any of those shows."

"They’re old shows.  Just pick one."

"I don’t know them.  Can I pick one I do know?"

"Sure."

"Wheel of Fortune."

"Wheel of Fortune doesn’t make sense."

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

"Millionaire doesn’t really work either.  It only works if it’s a double entendre."

"Millionaire could be a double entendre.  Like "My husband is worth a million bucks in the sack, or should I phone a friend?.""

"But it’s supposed to be funny.  It should be something making fun of the man’s inadequacy."

"Ok, if you insist.  How about, "My husband’s lovemaking is so blah, that every time we make whoopie, there’s a "Family Feud.""  That’s not bad.  Or my husband is so boring in the bedroom, he’s the ultimate "Hollywood Square."  Or "Let’s just say that when I make whoopie with my husband, the words "Weakest Link" always come to mind."   Better now?"

"OK, OK, I get it.  Let’s watch something else."

On Sunday, Sophia and I spent most of the day like Saturday — watching TV.

At some point, I got lustful feelings and tried to get flirty with the sniffling Sophia, who responded by hitting me in the head with a tissue box.  Sophia promptly fell asleep and I started watching one of those poker shows on TV. 

It was a high-stakes tournament going on at the Aviation Club in Paris.  There was a lot of excitement in the air.  As the players battled each other with their cards and chips, some ordered drinks from an attractive waitress.   Not that this was unusual for a casino.  But I was very surprised when one player asked to be brought a croissant.

A croissant!

How French I thought!  He’s playing for a million dollars, but still has time for a croissant!  I’ve always been fascinated by the French.  Their culture.  Their art.  Their wine.  Their beautiful woman.  My all-time favorite movie director is Frenchman Eric Rohmer.   One of my greatest joys with this blog is that I actually have readers in France.  I’m not sure how they found me, but I’m glad they did.  Like a lot of Americans, I was pissed at the French government’s siding with the Iraqis a couple of years ago, but I never went so far as to change the name of my French toast to Freedom toast. 

And what is more French than a croissant? 

Suddenly, my lustful feelings became focused on French baked goods.  I had a deep yearning for a croissant that just had to be satisfied.  I threw on my clothes and headed for the supermarket. 

But Vons Supermarket proved to be a big disappointment.   Their store brand of croissants looked awful.   A true croissant is much like a perfect bagel — there must be a perfectly modulated juxtaposition between the toughness of the exterior and the softness of the interior.   Vons Supermarket’s croissants looked like cut pieces of cardboard.

But now I had a problem?  Where the hell am I going to find a good croissant in Redondo Beach — where Tito’s Taco Shack is considered fine cuisine?  Luckily, I was able to find a foodie friend at home, who directed me to a bakery in Hermosa Beach.

An hour later, I returned home, holding a bag with two croissants, one for me and one for Sophia.   I thought about the intense pleasure that eating this croissant would give me — like a night of passion in Paris with the most beautiful French woman.

"Why do you go out for croissants?" asked Sophia.

"It was like inspiration.  I heard player in a poker tournament in Paris ask to be brought a croissant."

"No one asks for a croissant in the middle of a poker tournament."

"In France, they do.  You just don’t understand the French.  They have a lust for life.  When they want a croissant, they get a croissant."

"Let me see."

The game was still on Sophia’s Tivo.  She zoomed back to the exact moment I was talking about.   She started laughing.

"He didn’t say "croissant!"" said Sophia, who happens to speak French.   "He said "troi cents!"  He was asking another player if he had "troi cents" — three hundred [thousand] in chips."

"Oh," I said, feeling like an idiot.

We ate the croissants anyway.  Sophia loved hers, but it just wasn’t the same for me.

41 Comments

  1. Ooh now I’m dying for a croissant…

  2. As a Parisian, Anne, can’t you just yell out the window and someone will toss you up one…

  3. Now I’m jonesing for a bearclaw. I know, I know, it’s not a REAL croissant, but MMMMMM….!!! Damn you, Neil. I can’t even get bearclaws in Sweden. *sigh*

  4. Great, now I’m going to be wanting croissants all day.

  5. Guess you featured in your own version of “Lost in Translation,” Neil…

  6. I’m definitely not in France but I’m going to try the yelling out the window thing in hopes someone throws a croissant up. TOSSES a croissant up, I mean. Ew.

  7. actually, isn’t a bagette and brie sitting at the edge of a river with a bottle of wine more french? hope you’re feeling better.

  8. Too funny! I do love a good croissant – we have a French bakery about 10 miles from here that is incredible. I think I might just go now….

  9. How about the famous, “no wammies, no wammies, big money, big money….”

    New meaning to the, ‘money shot’

  10. Paris…that’s the next trip I make. Care to join me? You can have as many croissants as you’d like.

  11. Oh dear. Now I’m hungry. I like to use croissants when I make bread pudding. Those and some fresh raspberries…. Mmmm.

  12. Neil, you asked for it on the game show question. I would be too afraid of what Katie would say to even fathom asking her that one. Yikes.

  13. I love meeting bloggers in person! I’ve only met one or two people, but it was lots of fun each time.

    My favorite way to eat croissants is warm with honey lightly drizzled over them. That’s how they were served ever morning while we were vacationing in Europe and I became completely addicted.

  14. Dammit. Now I want a croisant, a bearclaw, a bagette and brie… ;(

  15. Kestrel, you should try them with almond butter- that’s how they were served in my Quebecian spa…honey works better with crepes…

  16. mmmmm….croisants….

    *homer simpson noise*

  17. Be glad that Sophia didn’t say the game show was, “Let’s Make a Deal.”

  18. I’m now imagining light, fluffy, flaky, buttery and genuinely delicious croissants. Blah.

  19. Love this anecdote…

    but, seriously, if a Frenchman wanted a croissant in the middle of a poker game, he probably could get one. But a glass of red would probably be better…

  20. Very cute. Of course, now I can’t get your voices out of my head when I read the dialogue, but that just makes it cuter.

    I hope you’re both feeling better!

    (I should call Sophia and ask her to pick up some croissants on the way over here! Yum!)

  21. I second Anne, a croissant sounds pretty tasty right now. Or…I could just make whoopie….or watch Family Feud.

  22. Yummy, love croissants…now I am also craving one…but in Paris, please!!

  23. I want to go to Paris for my graduation present to myself. I like chocolate croissants the best!

    Feel better Neil!!
    I altered my post as per your suggestion. 😛

  24. Wow Neil, Megan is seeing Sophia… again? And Sophia is bringing croissants?
    This sounds serious.

  25. I totally want a croissant now, but I don’t have it in me to go back out today.

  26. It’s upsetting when you talk about food and don’t send me any.

  27. now this is a post i can totally relate to!

    mmmmm… croissants…

    of course, not as good as a bialy from kossars 🙂

  28. Stupid South Beach diet. Croissants aren’t allowed…. *pouts*

  29. Neil:
    I used to find the best croissants when I lived in NYC. And then I moved to MD…right next door to a frenchwoman. She directed me to the local 6-12, right up road next to Trader Joe’s. It’s sort of like a 7-11. And ya know what? They make their own croissants fresh daily! And they rock! Viva la six-douze…Yummy!

  30. I think you’ve been sick a lot lately
    You go over to Sophias whenever you’re sick
    You get Sophia sick too
    You do this on purpose don’t you?

  31. Lately I do a lot of holding my breath- everyone around me is ill!! Croissants sound delicious right about now…

  32. that’s hysterical. made my day.

  33. Trois cents – croissants. Hilarious. But I still don’t really like croissants (they are too sweet for me) – and I’m French. Go figure.
    Hope both you and Sophie have recovered from the cold. I spent the day surrounded by sick students.

  34. Ah, Neil, it was an endearing mistake.

  35. At least it wasn’t The Price is Right. And seriously, the power of suggestion with that croissant… all warm and buttery with bits of chocolate. Total taste bud orgasm.

  36. what is more french than a croissant?

    neil, you ought to know this…

    a french kiss……

  37. LMAO!!:-) Priceless. Sophia, that is. Hang on to her Neil. You two are perfect together. (IMO) And extremely funny in your interactions.

    3T

  38. The French words for ‘time’ and ‘tuna’ (temps and thon) sound exactly alike. I remember being in France and listening to the radio and wondering why all the love songs made repeated mentions of tuna fish.

  39. hi neil! i haven’t posted about our meeting yet because i have to add the PICTURES which i haven’t downloaded yet because i am a loser! yay! but it was awesome meeting you! hurrah!!! (more content, less spaz coming.)

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