Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Seize the Spam!

seize2.jpg

One of life’s hard lessons is that sometimes, if you don’t act fast enough, you can can miss a big opportunity.   How many times have you said to yourself, "If only I had asked Susan to the prom?"  Or "Had I bought that house ten years ago, I’d be a millionaire by now?"

I’ve always found it hard to make decisions.  I’m a terrible procrastinator, the type of person who waits and waits and waits for inspiration.  But it’s a terrible approach to life.   I miss out on one opportunity after another.

For instance, a few days ago, I received an email for an interesting new internet service:

(ACTUAL EMAIL SPAM)

Find a sexoholic tonight! 

Offering a service that helps people get laid!  Plenty of sexoholics are in your area, wanting to have some fun!

No lame pickup lines… no flowers… no gifts… people here just care about sex 😉

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, around 70% of members already found a partner!

INTERNET ADDRESS

No, despite my having a cold, I’m all for having fun — especially when it doesn’t involve buying flowers.  And I’m always up for meeting some new sexoholics in my neighborhood.  Maybe we can even meet in my local IHOP.   But, I sometimes find it difficult to have "some fun" when I know that there are those who aren’t as fortunate.  Why is it that only 70% of their "members already found a partner?"  What about the other 30%?  Will I really enjoy being with some cute sexoholic if I am constantly thinking about the unlucky 30% back at the IHOP crying their eyes out into their "endless" pots of coffee.  I mean, they’re sexoholics, too.  Why shouldn’t they have a partner?

For days, I went back and forth, debating whether I should join or not.   Friends made fun of my "liberal guilt."   One friend, a Republican attorney, made a very compelling argument:

"Listen, there are always going to be winners and losers in this world.  There are people starving and you still enjoy going out for dinner, right?  Maybe the 30% of the sexoholic members have only themselves to blame.  Maybe they’re not approaching their sexoholism with enough gusto?"

That’s right.  If the roles were reversed, would those sexoholics care about me, sitting in IHOP with my pancakes and not getting laid?  NO WAY!  They’re a bunch of selfish sexoholics.   Maybe one of them might show me a video of the sex afterwards, but that’s like throwing crumbs to a dog.

Another friend, a psychologist, had another take on the situation:

"Are you sure that it is other people that are your real concern?  Maybe your real fear is that YOU would end up being in the 30% without a partner?"

That made a lot of sense to  me.  Imagine joining an internet sexoholics group and being in the 30% that never gets any sex?  How embarrassing!  That would make me feel awful.  My self-esteem would go for a nose dive.  It would bring back memories of high school dances where I would sit on the side with the other gawky guys and and make paper origami sculptures using our braces.   Sigh.

But then I looked at myself in the mirror and came to my own conclusion.

I’m not in high school anymore.  I’m an accomplished adult.  I’m a writer of C-list blog.  I somehow got a beautiful woman to marry me.  I don’t need to be afraid of being in the 30% anymore.  And if I am the 30%, damn it — I’ll knock the dirt off my pants, stand up, and face the world again, looking for a new adventure.  I have no fear.  I’m gonna seize the day!

I was just about to sign up for this service today when I received another email.

(ACTUAL EMAIL SPAM)

Find a sexoholic tonight! 

Offering a service that helps people get laid!  Countless sex-addicts are in your city, wanting to hook up!

No cheezy pickup lines, no flowers, no gifts, people here only want to get laid 😉

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, around 65% of members already found a partner!

INTERNET ADDRESS

65%?!  A few days ago it was 70%!  Does this mean it will be 55% by Friday?  No fucking way am I joining up with the chances of me getting lucky decreasing by the hour.  Why was I so stupid?  Why didn’t I sign up last week!  What was I waiting for?! 

Yes, another lost opportunity.

34 Comments

  1. I have never regretted not asking Susan to the prom. Susan was a bitch.

  2. Jesus get in fast Neil – theres a limited number of sexaholics available and they’re running out fast by the looks of things!

  3. Have you tried being a Motley Crue groupie circa 1988? They were in the 70%.

  4. You’re a sexoholic?

  5. LOL. If you respond to the first email maybe the 70% still applies?

  6. “I’ve always found it hard to make decisions.”

    Neil, you just described me perfectly.

  7. It seems to me that the debate alone is reason enough to pass up this opportunity.

  8. C List? nahhhhh… No way… You’re underestimating your blogging powers.

  9. And if you hadn’t done a “clear spam” in your mailbox three weeks ago, you could’ve gotten in on the ground floor when the satisfaction rate was actually 95%! My boy, you missed out!

  10. I guess the best sexoholics go first, and then all that’s left are the sloppy seconds?

  11. If you’re looking for a sure thing, try craigslist 😛

    I wonder what the success rate will rise to after this post?

  12. You made one assumption there. Cute sexoholic? Probably not. The cute ones are picking up guys in bars.

  13. Stick with IHOP…sit there til 3:00 in the morning. I’m sure you’ll meet up with a respectable, pancake eating sexaholic.

  14. I think even at 70% you made the right decision, Neil. Playing the odds is tough. It’s like the stock market, or poker. You really want a sure thing when it comes to meeting sexaholics. I mean, isn’t that the point?

  15. I guess its not like the stock market- “buy low, sell high”?

  16. I never get these awesome emails…I need to turn off spam blocker or something.

  17. I know the photo is part of another post, but it was still funny to read about you joining a group of sexaholics and then scroll down to the picture of you with the Bushes.

  18. neil, it just means that hundreds more sexaholics joined after that first email, and since it takes time to find a partner, it temporarily drove down the percentage. so, really, the percentage is lower, but the pool is so much bigger now! join! join!

  19. I was once a sexaholic. Had to have it four times a day. My poor boyfriend couldn’t keep up. And then one night I realized that I didn’t want sex at all and thought, “Oh noooooo! I’m cured!”

    Join now, Neil, before it’s too late.

  20. I can reccomend a great tea for anxiety, if you’re interested.

  21. Neil, just sift through your spam and look for any ads for penis-enhancers. This will ensure that you are not in that 35% of sexoholics not getting laid.

  22. You’re never getting laid again, are you?

  23. have you read Choke by Chuck Palahniuk yet? seems fitting.

    😉 sizzle

  24. Lesson: jump on sex-related opportunities immediately, always. The rest of life? Procrastinate re: decision-making.

  25. Ashbloem/Chantel — Even in my poker games, I rarely gamble without good odds. And forget the stock market — that’s a loser’s game.

    Sarah — I thought of that, but if hundreds new sexoholics are joining up, it makes the whole group less “special” to me. Call me elitist, but I don’t think everyone who calls himself a “sexoholic” should be allowed to join. There should be some standards.

    Carly — Tea? I thought that’s what the Prozac was for!

  26. if procrastinators stopped procrastinating and sign up already, 100% would be having sex. times up.

  27. Safe, I’m not sure that would be true statistically. Are there any math professors out there who can work the figures? First off all, there would need to always be an even number of sexoholics, unless some couple agreed to a threesome. But chances are, someone will get sick or just not show up, so there will never be a 100% success rate.

  28. you know what? did you read the spam closely? it says “65% found A partner.” that means 65% are coupled, but maybe that means 35% are actually in one giant 35% orgy!!!

  29. Loved this post. SEX, logic and reasoning, could get any more erotic?

  30. Prozac rots your intestines, though. Tea is much less detrimental to your tract.

  31. But won’t the sexaholic stuff compromise your teacher of the year award? Oh, Neil!

  32. LOL! you’re deliciously funny!!
    Fitèna

  33. Update —

    The numbers are up again! Just received an email:

    74% of our members got laid

    Would you want to get laid with people in your area?

    Meet guys and girls who just care about sex?

    Well, our system can help

    =20=20 using our system

  34. Maybe you should go to a real sexaholics anonymous meeting where you learn that sex is not your most important need, and where many members acheive years of freedom from masturbation, porn and affairs.

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