Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: spam

Email from Roselyn in a Hong Kong Hospital

(An actual email I received today.  I’m sure you have received the same types of email.  Even though I know they are horribly manipulative, I always read them for the crazy stories.)

Dearest Love One,

I am Mrs Roselyn Kopaya, i am a 56 years old woman and a citizen of Romania. But i am a resident in Hong Kong through my late husband who was an hong kong man.

I was born an orphan and GOD blessed me abundantly with riches but no children.  And i am not a happy woman because, i have no husband and children.  As at now, i am seriously sick, i just came out from hospital back to my home.  I am suffering.  I can no longer talk and half of my body is paralysed.  The doctor say i have about two months to live. I send this email to you with the help of my private female nurse who is typing my request.  I have little time so, i have committed myself in spreading my wealth towards better health care for mankind in the hospital where i am, i have given the hospital management us$15 millions to upgrade and build a new research facility.   I have also made some cash donations to orphanage children in somalia, ethiopian, sudan and some in south africa.  I have succeded in spreading my liquid cash towards well deserved means.  My soul is happy.  What i am doing gives me joy.  I am now sharing my properties and valuables.

Morever, i dont know you but i am contacting you with the hope that, you will be able to carry out my wish for the sake of humanity.  I have the sum of us $15.6 million given to me by my late chinese husband.  The funds is deposited in a financial house. I want you to take custody of the funds and use it to build and operate orphanage house in your country or you can look for someone to operate it, if you are unable to operate it.   You will name the orphanage house Mrs Roselyn Kopaya Orphanage house.  You must follow my wish for it will gladen my heart.   If you are ready to do this and carry out my wish, then send me then informatrions below:

[1]Your Names,
[2]Your Phone And Fax Numbers,
[3]Your Residental Address,

My Lawyer will be in contact with you. May GOD guide us.

Send your reply along with your personal details only to this email

I await your reply.

My warm greetings
Mrs Roselyn Kopaya

my reply:

Dear Mrs. Roselyn Kopaya,

Thank you so much for thinking of me during your final days.  You are an inspiration to us all.  Surely this $15.6 million will go a long way in helping other orphans and further your legacy of good will towards humanity.

Let me be perfectly frank with you about my intitial intentions.  When I first read this email, my first instinct was completely selfish.   “Why not lie to this woman?” I asked myself, “I could tell her that I would follow her wishes of starting an orphanage, but then blow the millions of dollars on myself, using it for hedonistic activities.”

And then I thought about your uplifting story.  A poor orphan from a small town in Romania, who through hard work and dedication, grew into a successful and powerful businesswoman woman, who started a new life for herself in Hong Kong, finding true love with a caring and brilliant Chinese man.  You have experienced so much, and you still want to help others, despite the crippling illness that has stricken you at such a young age.

How could I take that money now?  I would be heartless.  This email has made me into a better man.  A better human being.   I would love to take this money to follow your wishes of starting this orphanage, but am I really the right person for this endeavor?  I am a lowly blogger, a writer, a wordsmith, without much experience in real-life business enterprises.  I would have no knowledge of starting an orphanage, or even know who to contact as associates to help me with the work.  Perhaps some of my blogging friends will be better suited for this honorable enterprise.  Enclosed are the names, phone numbers, and addresses of some other good-hearted bloggers, which I copied off of Facebook.

I sincerely you find the perfect custodian for your project.   God speed!

My warm greetings,
Neilochka

Seize the Spam!

seize2.jpg

One of life’s hard lessons is that sometimes, if you don’t act fast enough, you can can miss a big opportunity.   How many times have you said to yourself, "If only I had asked Susan to the prom?"  Or "Had I bought that house ten years ago, I’d be a millionaire by now?"

I’ve always found it hard to make decisions.  I’m a terrible procrastinator, the type of person who waits and waits and waits for inspiration.  But it’s a terrible approach to life.   I miss out on one opportunity after another.

For instance, a few days ago, I received an email for an interesting new internet service:

(ACTUAL EMAIL SPAM)

Find a sexoholic tonight! 

Offering a service that helps people get laid!  Plenty of sexoholics are in your area, wanting to have some fun!

No lame pickup lines… no flowers… no gifts… people here just care about sex 😉

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, around 70% of members already found a partner!

INTERNET ADDRESS

No, despite my having a cold, I’m all for having fun — especially when it doesn’t involve buying flowers.  And I’m always up for meeting some new sexoholics in my neighborhood.  Maybe we can even meet in my local IHOP.   But, I sometimes find it difficult to have "some fun" when I know that there are those who aren’t as fortunate.  Why is it that only 70% of their "members already found a partner?"  What about the other 30%?  Will I really enjoy being with some cute sexoholic if I am constantly thinking about the unlucky 30% back at the IHOP crying their eyes out into their "endless" pots of coffee.  I mean, they’re sexoholics, too.  Why shouldn’t they have a partner?

For days, I went back and forth, debating whether I should join or not.   Friends made fun of my "liberal guilt."   One friend, a Republican attorney, made a very compelling argument:

"Listen, there are always going to be winners and losers in this world.  There are people starving and you still enjoy going out for dinner, right?  Maybe the 30% of the sexoholic members have only themselves to blame.  Maybe they’re not approaching their sexoholism with enough gusto?"

That’s right.  If the roles were reversed, would those sexoholics care about me, sitting in IHOP with my pancakes and not getting laid?  NO WAY!  They’re a bunch of selfish sexoholics.   Maybe one of them might show me a video of the sex afterwards, but that’s like throwing crumbs to a dog.

Another friend, a psychologist, had another take on the situation:

"Are you sure that it is other people that are your real concern?  Maybe your real fear is that YOU would end up being in the 30% without a partner?"

That made a lot of sense to  me.  Imagine joining an internet sexoholics group and being in the 30% that never gets any sex?  How embarrassing!  That would make me feel awful.  My self-esteem would go for a nose dive.  It would bring back memories of high school dances where I would sit on the side with the other gawky guys and and make paper origami sculptures using our braces.   Sigh.

But then I looked at myself in the mirror and came to my own conclusion.

I’m not in high school anymore.  I’m an accomplished adult.  I’m a writer of C-list blog.  I somehow got a beautiful woman to marry me.  I don’t need to be afraid of being in the 30% anymore.  And if I am the 30%, damn it — I’ll knock the dirt off my pants, stand up, and face the world again, looking for a new adventure.  I have no fear.  I’m gonna seize the day!

I was just about to sign up for this service today when I received another email.

(ACTUAL EMAIL SPAM)

Find a sexoholic tonight! 

Offering a service that helps people get laid!  Countless sex-addicts are in your city, wanting to hook up!

No cheezy pickup lines, no flowers, no gifts, people here only want to get laid 😉

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, around 65% of members already found a partner!

INTERNET ADDRESS

65%?!  A few days ago it was 70%!  Does this mean it will be 55% by Friday?  No fucking way am I joining up with the chances of me getting lucky decreasing by the hour.  Why was I so stupid?  Why didn’t I sign up last week!  What was I waiting for?! 

Yes, another lost opportunity.

A Man Who Loves His Friends

millions.jpg

To: Blogging Friends

Subject: [Citizen of the Month] Unique Business Opportunity

Dear Fellow Bloggers,

I am writing to you tonight from one of the world’s poorest countries in Africa.  I received an email this morning offering me a great opportunity to make a lot of money.  I love so many of you and appreciate your friendship.  That’s why I want to extend this opportunity to you as well.

A recent aquaintance of mine, Mobuku, recently stumbled across a bundle of American dollar bills sitting on the street in his country.  The worth of this money was  US$14,000,000:00.(FOURTEEN MILLION USD).  It belonged to a American businessman who died along with his entire family in an unfortunate  plane crash.   Of course, Mobuku tried to contact the next of kin, as is required by the banking guidelines of this terribly impoverished African country, but sadly, all of the businessman’s relations died in the plane crash — leaving nobody behind for the claim.

The banking laws of this corrupt Third World country are very specific: 

No citizen of this country walking around on foot can claim millions of dollars found in the street.  It must be claimed by either a relative or someone (or some group) in the country of the deceased at the time of the money’s discovery.

When Mobuku emailed me with this opportunity, I immediately jumped at the chance.  But on my arrival here, there was a major hitch.  The money was discovered on September 2. the exact day that I was with a couple of buddies at a strip joint in Montreal, Canada.  So, officially,  I was NOT in the country of the deceased at the time of the money’s discovery.

I therefore make this business proposal to you, my dear blogging friends.   Since I cannot claim this money by myself due to the legal requirements of this overcrowded and polluted country, I will consider ALL OF YOU as the next of kin.  After all, nobody is coming for it and we don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed money.  

As my mother might say, "That would be a waste."

We agree that 30% of this money will be set aside to be shared equally by every blogger who commits to be a partner in this enterprise, 10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business, and 60% would be for Mobuku and I.

Thereafter, I will visit each blogger in person (at your own expense, of course), for disbursement according to the percentages indicated. 

To enable the immediate transfer of these funds to you as arranged, you must first apply as the "next of kin of the deceased."  This means I will need each of you to write down your bank name, bank account number, private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication, and location wherein the money will be remitted — and send me the information now

Please, time is running out, as this terribly anti-Semitic African country has it’s own very weird Daylight Savings Time system that is very confusing, and the food is terrible.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime.  Blogging favorite Stephanie Klein is already on board as a partner.  Please join Stephanie, Mobuku, and me in this unique business arrangement. 

Soon, we will ALL be so rich, we can blog to our heart’s content!

Yours faithfully,

Neil

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